Chapter 4: Words said in anger and lies, lies, lies.

She did an amazing job avoiding him for a week, after Emily was kind enough to give her an extra week off. The white house she came back to though was completely different, once again, from the one she left three weeks ago. It seems to be one of her habits. Coming to work early today she managed to sneak past most of the staff and into her office without any problems. She gasped seeing him in her office, sitting on her chair. "Well, look who's still here!" he said, his voice ringing in her ears she closed her eyes tighter trying to avoid looking at him. "I'm not leaving" there was something in his voice, something she hadn't heard since her last asshole boyfriend in high school that made her look. Gone was the broken man she had encountered few weeks ago, the man now looked comfortable, his feet were up on her desk and he was leaning back on her chair looking every bit like the high school jokester she knew he never was.

"I am" she simply answers, her eyes cold, no emotion peeking through, it was much easier when the man in front of her was acting so different.

"You being a smart ass?" he stands up and she sees him moving almost dangerously slow towards her, it was as if he was trying to give her time to leave, to run but she couldn't her feet were stuck to the ground. She remembers what Alex told her all those weeks ago, that he is hurt, the what she saw that night isn't the real man but she starts wondering why does it look like she was wrong?

"What's smartass about leaving?" she responds, deciding to take this battle head on, she was going to face him as equals, although she knew they weren't.

"We need to talk, so you are not leaving." His voice low, almost threatening but as he stood close enough for her to smell the alcohol in his breath something in his eyes broke, if only for a moment. "Not here." She says softly, she knows now he's looking for a fight but she respects this building too much to give it to him.

"Fine, let's go." He opens the door and let's her walk out of the room first. "Follow me" he says, his voice not betraying any emotions, he walks few steps ahead of her and leads her down the stairs, he passes by the sign of the first floor and she is a little surprised by it. She was halfway expecting to lead her to his private office after all. He gets out on the basement and leads her down a long corridor and down another flight of stairs, he stops in front of an empty office, with an old light brown door and opens it entering, there's noise in the room, loud noise from the heating system of the west wing working overload.

"Here, is this alright?" he asks,

"Good place as any" she is defiant against his arrogance.

"Why are you avoiding me?" he asks, she can't believe what she's hearing, he can't be asking her that question, he can't be forgetting what happened.

"You are not asking me this question!" her tone surprises her too; she never thought she would have to scream to the president of the United States.

"I am" he seems oblivious, it surprises her, but he truly seems oblivious, "Why would I not be asking this question." There's a smirk on his lips, one that confirms to her that it was more than a drink before work.

"You wrecked the bedroom in Camp David and forcibly kissed me; excuse me if you're not on my favorite people list." He lowers his eyes, for a moment, just a moment she sees the same man she met all those months back. "What you want me to do Kendra? Apologize? Fine, I am sorry! I didn't wanna kiss you, there!" his defeat shortly turned into anger, rage.

"That's not enough." Kendra simply stated, she crossed her arms in front of her, straightening her back a bit, holding her ground.

"What you want from me?"He explodes; she sees his hands curl into fists his knuckles turning white, she looks at him, her eyes remind him of Alex's she used to look at him with the same look of disappointment, she did when he first became president and was forced to suspend immigration it was the same look of disappointment, as if he was actively trying to let her down.

"I want you to tell me the freaking truth! I know you are not well, I can," she takes a moment, smiles sadly, she was going to tell to the president of the United States a bitter truth that would probably lead her to getting fired, "I can smell it in your breath. I can see it in your actions. You are drunk, it's 10 a.m. on a working day and the president of United States is drunk. You're crumbling inside and I don't know why you try to hide it." He takes a few steps back, it's as if her words slapped him right across the face, they cut deep into his heart and he feels a pain like nothing else it's not deep and burning like the one he felt when he got the call it's not sharp and blinding like getting shot it was different, it was a tingling feeling starting from his face and expanding through to his whole body. It was slow and persistent "I have to," he seems to be struggling with words for a moment "I have to keep going, I need to," it seems as if he can't finish the sentence, as if there's something holding him back "I need to function and whiskey stops the nightmares, stops the pain, I can pretend I am the man I was before Christmas," he stops for a moment, Kendra can see the conflict in his eyes there's something there that he is hiding from her, something that he keeps a secret for whatever reason.

"But you are not! You are not the same man, no one is the same since that damned day, we all changed and you refuse to see it, pretending to be the man you were isn't gonna help anyone, you're only avoiding the unavoidable," she stops for a moment, she knows she's crossing the line and maybe he will fire her after that, he looks at her, there are some unshed tears in his eyes "What?" he asks her, his voice demanding of an answer " You need to face the facts, no matter how painful they might are. Because right now," she starts walking towards him, "you are acting like a brat!"

Hannah can hear soft sobs coming from the bathroom next to her office and get's her curiosity going, she opens the door slowly double checking that it was a ladies' room and not the men's room. She doesn't see anyone there, but she can hear the soft sobs coming from the only closed stall.

"Hey are you ok in there?" she asks, there's a gasp and the sound of flesh hitting the wood, she probably had startled the other woman. The lock turns and Kendra Daynes comes out of the stall, her hair are in a messy ponytail, strands lose framing her face, her makeup was gone and mascara was running down her cheeks. She freezes a bit when she sees her there probably didn't expect her to care enough; Hannah offers her a small smile and a few of paper towels to wipe off the destroyed make up.

"You didn't answer me are you ok?" she asks again.

"Do I look like it?" Kendra tries to make a joke, somehow create the illusion that she was still in control, both women know that wasn't true in the end. "Wanna talk? I got a great coffee maker in my office" Hannah gives a soft smile to the other woman; she was wiping her remaining destroyed make up from her face "Does it make cappuccino?" Kendra jokes "Yup, espresso and cappuccino."

Tom sat down on his desk, looking ahead, Kendra's words ringed in his ears, the word brat… it just stuck with him. He looks at the bottle he had left there before he went to find her, the whiskey tempting him to finish it.

"You are not that man Tom." The voice is warm, familiar, he look up and sees her sitting there; she looks exactly like he remembers her, her blonde hair flowing softly on her back. She was wearing a silk red nightgown, and smiling at him, softly, sweetly, the way she used to.

"Alex" he can her the desperation in his own voice, her face was all he needed to see, "I missed you so much" he gets up walking to her his hands itching to hold her, but he stopped himself, he didn't want to feel the mist in his hands again.

"Sit with me Tom" Tom follows her instructions almost blindly, sitting down next to her, her pale hand touching his hand, he feels, for the first time, warmth, her warmth.

"I missed you" she looks at him with a big smile on her face, her blue eyes shining with tears she wasn't able to shed.

"I miss you too Tom, all the time." He bites his lip; he wants to scream at her, how could she miss him? She was dead how could she feel what he was feeling? He decided to stay silent, he just nodded his head, he didn't care that it wasn't possible for her to miss him he wanted to feel that maybe, just maybe she could still miss him just a bit.

"Earlier, you said it's not the man I am. What did you mean?" she smiles, her hand softly touches his cheek, he feels a soft breeze, it's not cold as he expected, it's surprisingly warm, like her touch and it smells of vanilla and figs like her skin always did. "You're not the man to drink your sorrows away in the middle of the day. That's not the man I married." He lowers his head; he doesn't want to see the disappointment he hears in her voice "Tom, sweetheart look at me." Her voice is soft, non judgmental, he looks up, there's no disappointment in her eyes, just love, it breaks him a little.

"Why did you have to leave me Alex?" he asks her, his voice slightly breaking at the end. She doesn't notice, or acts if she doesn't.

"I didn't have a choice." Her pale hand falls on his, it's feather like, barely a touch but Tom is ok with it for now. "I didn't want it Tom." There's so much pain in her voice, so many tears that she'll never be able to actually shed, for a moment he wonders why she's here, why she sounds so alive, why she feels pain, but he shakes the thought from his head. "I'll never leave you, as long as you remember me, I'll always be here for you just ask." Her hand leaves his and softly touches his chest; his heart skips a bit when the warmth that wasn't there touches his thin shirt.

"I did Alex! I asked for you again and again and again and you never came, I cried your name in my sleep, I begged for you to come back, but you didn't." the tears he was trying so hard to stop just flowing down his face, he isn't ashamed of them, he doesn't try to hide them anymore, there's a burning rage in his veins, he gets up her hand falls back by her side, her face is broken from the pain, he can't bear to watch her cry anymore so he just turns his head away from her crying face "You don't know the man I am anymore, you're not here anymore!"

"Alright, I get that. It pains me too, I'm sorry." He turns around her voice screamed defeat to him; he barely manages to see her hair while she leaves.

"No!" he screams but her figure is already gone "No! You can't leave!" he tries in vain to get her back, he didn't want her to leave it was so soon, he still had so many things to tell her, he feels a knot in his throat closing his airway, he couldn't breathe, he tried but couldn't and feel on his knees gasping for breath, "Alex!" her name fell from his lips softly, it was a last try, a failed one, to get her back, even for a second.

Kendra took the cup of coffee Hannah was offering her, it was hot and it slightly burned her tongue, but she took a second sip. Hannah sits at her chair, she's thankful she isn't asking for questions, that she lets her have her time. She needs time right now, her thoughts are scrambled.

"I had a fight with the president" she manages to barely get out the words; it seems as if each letter burns her mouth before leaving. Hannah's face fells, something in her expression is broken, even if she puts her mask back on fast.

"How is he? I," Hannah doesn't know what to say, there aren't the right words for what she feels, not really. "I haven't seen him in a while" she barely manages to get those words out, they aren't right, they aren't even close but right now it's all she can say. She'll pretend it was accidental, that she didn't spend day after day trying to avoid the man at all costs.

"He's…" Kendra stops for a moment, takes a couple deep breaths, she doesn't know how to explain Tom Kirkman's condition to anyone not even herself if she's being honest. "Well different" the word different sounds so wrong, it rings in her ears in a terrible way, he's not different, there are hundreds of other words that would explain him better than different, broken, traumatized, lost, hurt, dying inside. Different sounded shallow. "He changed a lot" she adds, she hopes Hannah will understand what she means by that.

"As it's expected." Her answer makes her flinch, it's not the one that Kendra needed to hear, but she knows this is all she can give her at the moment.

"Alex's death," Kendra started, she lowers her eyes back to her coffee mug, starring at the foam on top, she tries to find the right words this time. "Broke him you know?" Hannah nodes, of course she knows, it's a whole web of lies that she knowingly weaved, at the moment she learned Damian's real plan, her panic overtook her and she put everyone in such mess, she didn't stop to think what her choice might do to everyone, now, the results of her actions were starring her right in the face. It didn't matter that she was avoiding Tom Kirkman at all costs; her choices hurt everyone around her and right now she's face to face with all the consequences of her actions.

"What was the fight about?" she asks trying to get her head off of her self-hating thoughts. Kendra takes a deep breath, this is something she has kept to herself for all this time, she didn't know why but she felt as if she could trust Hannah with this deep secret.

"That night, leaving the FBI building the first lady made me promise to her that, no matter what happens to her I would take care of the president, I can't explain it, it was like," she looks down, the look on Kendra's eyes was breaking her, the other woman was trying to gather herself for a while, this seemed to be breaking her in a worse way than anything else. Next time she visits Alex she can at least tell her that Kendra Daynes will keep her promise even if it kills her in the process. "Like she knew what was going to happen, she seemed shaken, pale."

"She might knew, subconsciously" she tells Kendra before she manages to stop herself. She bites her lower lip tightly; she draws blood but doesn't care.

"Yeah, well I tried, I tried to be there for him, but… he's not well, and I don't know if I can be there for him anymore, he seems to be spiraling out of control," Hannah studies the other woman's face, she seems so broken at the moment, she truly seems at her rope's end. It's sad and frustrating to know the answer that will take all their pain away but not being able to share it with them. "He's"

"Not the man he used to be" Hannah interrupts her, looking at the FBI agent sitting back at her chair; there's something in her eyes that puzzle Kendra. It's so subtle, so fast, it's like she has the all the cards to this game.

"Yeah." She manages to get out.

"Yeah, none of us is the same anymore Kendra." She leans forward, her hand touches softly Kendra's, it shocks her, Hannah Wells is not a physical type, from the little she knows her this is the first time she reached out for someone's touch.

"How are you? I heard about Damian" Kendra tries to change the subject; the silence between them was chocking her. She smiles a bit; it's as if she doesn't have the words.

"I'm good, he was crooked I had to do it." She sits back in her chair looking at Kendra look at her, her eyes, there was something there telling her that the other woman was expecting the rest of the story. "But it hurts, I trusted him and he just betrayed me."

"I'm so sorry." Her words felt sincere, there was real pain in her voice and it cuts Hannah just a little deeper.

"You know," Hannah bites her lip, she doesn't have the words to comfort Kendra, Chuck was always better at it than her, it was as if he always knew the right words, to say. "We are all different Kendra, the people we used to be before Christmas are dead, we buried them with Alex, we have to live with who we are now." She finally finds the words that don't feel fake in her mouth. Kendra looks at her, there's a small smile on her lips.

"I don't think the president," she starts; Hannah raises her hand, stopping her.

"You think he's mentally unfit to be commander in chief?" she asks, she was afraid this might happen, but she hoped with all her might that it wouldn't happen.

"I think he's not mentally fit to be anything, father, president, candidate, the elections are coming up, what if in one debate his opponent asks him about it?"

"He'll probably punch him out."Hannah smiles, it's sad that this man, that pacifist man, the man that never hurt a fly would punch someone, but she knows it to be true. She knows that,

"Exactly!" another pause between them, this one is not as uncomfortable, they both have more things to say, but they both need time to gather their thoughts.

"Has he moved from Denial?" Hannah gathers them first. Her eyes study the woman in front of her; she takes another sip from her coffee taking her time to answer.

"Yeah, I think he has."

"Anger is the hardest to shake, Anger and Depression, they feel so normal in grieving that you don't think something is wrong, he'll take time to move on from this and he might need a punching bag," she takes out her notebook and takes a pen from her desk and writes down her cell phone. "If you ever feel like it's too much, give me a call," she gives the other woman the small piece of paper; Kendra looks at it, not reaching for it. She's tempted, she really is but something almost stops her. "I'll gladly take the punches for you" Hannah tries to tell her that she will gladly lift the burden from her if only she asks Kendra nodes no with her head.

"No, it's not needed, I made a promise" Hannah smiles sadly, she leaves the small paper in front of her at the desk and runs her hands over her face. Pressing a couple of fingers to her temples she feels her veins pulsing madly there under her skin.

"It was my fault, I started this, I let John know, I let Damian in," she bites the inside of her cheek trying to keep the tears she knows are forming from doing so. It's a valid try but she knows Kendra sees them forming in her lids. "Just if you want a break, I can give it to you." She's proud of herself, keeping her voice from breaking.

"Thank you," Kendra takes the paper and puts it in the pocket of her blazer. "For the talk and the coffee," She gets up to leave and Hannah leaves a small breathe, at least she got out of this meeting without having to talk about Chuck, and without spilling the beans about Alex and this was more than she expected getting into this. Kendra reaches the door but pauses there, Hannah's breath gets caught in her throat, she can tell why she stopped in her tracks, she knows the question she's gonna ask before it even leaves her lips. "I heard about Chuck, how is he?"

"He's still in coma" Hannah tries to keep her voice unaffected, but she heard the pain in her tone, she's sure Kendra does too.

"I'm so sorry; did they found who did it?" her hand falls from the doorknob and reaches out for hers which was hanging limply next to her.

"No, the FBI is on it, they're trying" she feels the other woman's skin touching hers, it's unexpected but welcomed.

"I'm really sorry." her voice drips sorrow with each word. Hannah can barely keep herself together when she responds.

"Me too"

He heard a knock on the door, the kids are both long asleep, his mother is asleep in her room. He leaves the glass of whiskey on the coffee table he barely managed to have a sip out of it. He opens the door, barely managing to realize what's happening before she walks inside, still wearing the same clothes she was wearing this morning. His head was killing him and he felt a buzzing in his ears that was driving him insane tonight.

"Why are you here again?" he asks her, he was really tired tonight, didn't have any strength to fight with her.

"Because I am not going to leave you alone to become a shadow of the man you are." She stands in front of him her arms crossed over her chest, she nodes to the bottle and the glass on the coffee table. Her voice is judging him, her tone waking up the monster inside him that he thought it was long asleep for tonight.

"How the fuck you know the man I am?" he grabs her arm, shaking her with his force, her hands grip his arms too right below his elbow. "How the hell any of you knows?" his voice was raising and he moved dangerously close, his grip on her arms tightened and she tightened hers on his. "You don't know me!"

"Keep your voice down, your kids are sleeping, they don't need to wake them up and see you like that." Her hands gripped him tight enough to, for the first time, leave bruises on him, as she softly hissed at him.

"Follow me!" he pulls her demandingly to the bedroom and closes the door behind them, she rubs her wrist that he had used to almost drag her in the room. Looking around everything seemed as if Alex was still here, pictures of her everywhere, one on the bedside table across from the side she guesses is Tom's, she notices her mangled wedding and engagement rings are lying there too, the twisted metal contrasting with the dark wood of the bedside table.

"What the hell do you want here?" His voice was low, threatening, but Kendra didn't mind, there weren't much he could do to her that would actually hurt her anymore. "Why you came back?"

"Because I made a promise to Alex and I'm not going to break it," she simply states, her voice is even, steady. It surprises them both how normal her voice sounds. "No matter how hard you might try!" he takes a step back, it's as if her admission punched him in the gut. His shock became anger pretty fast though and before she could react his hands grip her wrists again.

"What promise?" he asks, his eyes darkening with anger. His grip tightens and she finds herself almost gasping by his force. "Tell me dammit!" she didn't think he could but his hands grip her wrists even tighter, to a point where she gasps.

"You are hurting me." She tells him gathering her emotions the best she could. The pain in her wrists where he grips her is almost overwhelming her.

"Tell me!" he demands, his voice so different from the one she's used to, the soft kind voice of a man that seems so long gone now, that she can barely remember his smile.

"Let go of me!" she pulls her hands back, he's shocked by her move and as if a reflex he lets go of her. She rubs her wrists for a moment, they are red and she can feel the bruises already forming there.

"I promised her I'd be here for you, I promised her I'd take care of you." She tells him softly, her voice betraying her in the end. She sees him lose few steps, he falls back to the couch there the tears slowly overwhelming him.

"Why?" he gasps out, it's as if he can't draw enough air in his lungs.

"Why what?" she asks puzzled.

"Why did she make you promise her that?" he looks up, his blue eyes are red and glistening with all the tears filling them. He uses the back of his hand and wipes a couple that escaped away. He looks at her so lost, so broken, it's a marvel how many emotions this man is hiding. She walks slowly to him sitting down next to him on the couch.

"I don't know, she had a feeling that it wasn't the end of it, Forstell dismissing the case."

"She knew. She knew?"

"I don't think she did know she was," she stops, something stops her, she can't find herself actually uttering the word "She had a feeling that something might happen." The sob that left Tom's lips broke her heart, it was so pained, he closed his eyes tightly trying to keep the tears from falling.

"That's why she left me a voicemail. Alex never leaves voicemails, she texts or calls again." he says to no one in particular it's as if he's just talking to himself as he raises his legs on the couch hiding his face on his knees. She doesn't know what to do, should she talk or not, should she even be here?

"She left you a voicemail?" she asks, her voice is barely above a whisper, it's so if he wants he can ignore her, he can pretend not to have heard her and she'll pretend too.

"Yeah, telling me she beat it, we beat it," he raises his head, looking at her, his eyes are starting to swell from the tears he shed already. "Telling me she loves me." The last part was so soft, almost breathed out less spoken.

"She," Kendra stops, she tries to stop her sobs from leaving her mouth, she didn't know she had tried to get to him, "She did?" she asks, his answer is all she needed to know, Alex probably knew that something terrible would happen to her.

"Yeah." The tears start flowing down her eyes again before she has a chance to stop them.

"I really wish I could swap places with her." She tells him through her sobs, she fells his hand on her back, slowly pulling her closer until she finds herself crying on his shoulder.

"Don't, don't wish that." He tells her, his hand on her shoulder just tightening.

"Tom!" her voice is sweet in his ear, it's making him sick. She makes his name sound so different, almost like an insult.

"No, not you again!" he murmurs in his sleep. He tries to keep his eyes closed tightly but her cold hand touching his face makes his eyes snap open. He finds himself lying in the bed, for a moment he wonders how he got there, he remembers covering Kendra with the blanket on one couch and then lying down on the other across from her.

"Yes me again." She steps back and smiles sweetly at him "Do you enjoy her company?" she asks, for a movement he doesn't understand what she means but then his eyes fall on the curled up form sleeping on the couch in front of him. His eyes linger for a moment before her cold voice distracts him again. "You do don't you?" she taunts him. Something inside him breaks, shatters with every taunt falling from her lips.

"What if I do?" he asks her, he wishes he could touch her, push her away, hurt her like she hurts him, he can't do that with his words, she always laughs at him when he tries. So he wishes he could use his hands, his fists, something.

"Well you killed her, like you did to me" she says, Tom fells a knot in his throat, he doesn't understand what she talks about, Kendra is alive sleeping on the couch.

"No I didn't. Fuck off!" she laughs sinister, low. It chills his bones.

"Look next to you Tom!" she uses her bony hand to show behind him on what used to be Alex's side, he slowly turns around. It takes all his willpower not to get sick with the sight in front of her, it was Kendra she was lying there, wearing a soft white dress, there were bruises all over her arms, all of the shaped like hands and he is certain that if he tires it his hands will fit perfectly on them. There was a big cut on her throat and her blood was staining her white dress, her neck, the pillow behind her, the sheets, everything.

"No!" he feels paralyzed sitting on the bed as her blood slowly leaves her lifeless body, he looks down at his hands they are stained with her blood too and the knife he finds himself holding is burning his flesh. He throws it on the ground and tries to use his hands, the sheets, everything he could to stop the bleeding, it was pointless and he knew that. The life had already slipped from her but he still found himself trying. "No, no, no! Kendra!"

Kendra woke up startled, someone was calling her name, she looks around at the unfamiliar room, something thick and warm is covering her. Looking around she notices the president turning and twisting on the couch across from her, he's dangerously close to falling down so she untangles herself from the warm blanket and kneels next to him, her hand finds his and she tries to get him to wake up.

"Sir? Tom!" he is startled awake, his eyes foggy try to find who called his name, he finally focuses on her.

"Kendra!" he calls her name in relief, he is so glad to see her alive.

"What's going on?" she asks, Tom just grips her hand a little tighter and sits up.

"Nothing, I had a nightmare." He tells her, running a hand over his face he slowly opens his eyes. "Promise me something please." He looks at her biting her lip, she's not sure how to respond and it takes a while before she does.

"Anything."

"Don't wish you died that night, please don't."

"I'll try." She smiled sadly, she hoped she could do that, she's gonna try not to wish this in front of him but she can't help herself thinking how better off everyone would be if she had died instead of Alex.

"Please, I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone else." His hand is still holding hers and Tom closes his eyes, he tries to gather his thoughts, his mind still foggy from sleep and the nightmare that is still making his heart beat faster than normal. "At least I had Alex for almost two decades, eighteen years," he smiles, his smile sad, still not reflecting to his eyes, Kendra is shocked by it, she had forgotten what his face looked like when he smiled, even if the sadness was still reflecting on his eyes. "Eighteen wonderful years and two amazing children, someone out there, looking for you," she looks away and he uses his free hand to get her to look at him, the grip on her chin is soft, feather like, so different from the grip on her arms before, just like his grip on her hand now. "There's someone out there for you."

"They won't know me, like you said, you knew Alex, eighteen years, that someone," she wipes a few tears that left her eyes "They don't know me, they wouldn't know what was missing, you do, Penny and Leo do know though." Another smile forms on his lips, this one through the tears that found themselves rolling down his face once again.

"But we still have the memories." His reassurance falls on deaf ears; they both know that although they chose, for now to pretend. "Just try not to," he feels another sob rising on his throat and stops; he can't find the right words again. It's driving him crazy. "You know" he softly adds.

"Yeah."

A/N: Here's chapter 4 I hope you guys enjoyed it!

Here's a sneak peek from the next Chapter:

He woke up angrier than he had ever been today, Kendra had left before he woke up, leaving a note on the coffee table. He crumbled it in his hands and threw it away…