*This is a longer chapter, so, yay!
**This chapter is full of all the angst and all the snuggles and I just cannot with these two. They're going to be the death of me with their adorableness. I hope you guys enjoy!
Chapter 14 - the Text
Leanne had been five minutes into a much needed shower when she heard her phone go off from across the room. Curious as to who was texting her at 4:30 on a Tuesday afternoon, she paused her hair washing and reached out to grab the phone from the counter. The name that flashed across her screen was almost enough to make her drop her phone. Almost. Sliding her phone open, she clicked opened the text message to see words that she had been praying for for the past 8 days.
I'm awake. Stared back at her. Can we talk?
She let out a soft sob and she had to brace herself against the wall using one hand as she felt the tears threaten to fall. She hadn't expected this. Honestly. She had gotten so used to him not being there, that now that he was, she didn't know how to respond. Taking a deep breath, she quickly typed back.
I'm in the shower. I can be there in 30?
She knew that Ethan would probably chuckle at her response. He would probably even type back something crude, as he always did, and for once, she welcomed it.
Wish I was there ;) Was his response, and she let out a laugh. She knew him far better than either one of them wanted to admit.
I wish you were here too. She hit send and placed the phone on the shelf nearby, resuming her hair washing so that she could hurry up and get out of there. She needed to see Ethan. More so than she thought she would.
While rinsing the shampoo from her hair, and trying to shield her eyes from the sting of the stray drops, she heard her phone beep again. Her heart skipped and she rinsed the rest off as fast as she could before quickly turning off the water and wrapping a towel around herself.
I love you. Flashed up at her from her screen and she let out another sob, her hand going to her heart as she read the words over and over again. I love you more than anything in this world. And I will do whatever I have to do to get you back in my arms.
She ran her free hand over her face and swallowed before typing back. I'll be there in 20. She hit send before quickly drying off and throwing on the clothes she had placed on the counter. Grabbing her purse and her phone, she slide her feet into her sneakers and ran out the door, heading to her car hurriedly.
When she arrived at Angels, she had quickly thrown her items into her locker and changed into her scrubs, knowing that despite the fact that Ethan was awake, she was still technically starting her shift in three hours. After making sure she was good to go she quietly headed upstairs, her hands clasped tightly behind her back the whole elevator ride up. She made her way down the hall with light steps, and she stopped outside his door hesitantly, her hand pausing on the knob for a few minutes before turning it gently.
The sight in front of her brought another round of tears to her eyes, but she didn't care. Ethan was awake. And he was sitting up in bed with a goofy grin on his face. His hair was sticking up in every direction and she could see the color had finally returned to his stubble covered cheeks. Without thinking, she ran toward him, climbing onto the bed and wrapping her arms around his neck as tightly as possible.
"I love you too." She whispered against his neck, her tears falling onto the shoulder of his hospital gown. She felt Ethan tighten his good arm around her waist and drop a kiss to her head and she thought that for a moment her heart may have just stopped. She didn't want to pull away, but she knew that they needed to talk. And as much she was loving being able to hold him again for the first time in over a week, she knew they needed to talk face to face. No matter how much she didn't want too.
Pulling back, she offered him a gentle smile, her hands going to his cheeks and cupping his face gently. She pressed a gentle kiss to his still chapped lips and she smiled against his mouth when his right hand went to her hair and he deepened the kiss. He pulled back after a minute and held her in place, their foreheads touching lightly. "I'm sorry." He whispered, his hand gripping her hair gently, his fingers threading through her still damp hair. "I'm so fucking sorry."
Leanne felt her heart break when she heard his voice crack during his words and she just kissed him once more, her hands moving to thread through his hair, knowing that the move would relax him. "I'm sorry too." She whispered softly, her forehead returning to its place against his. "I'm really really sorry."
Ethan smiled softly at her and kissed her nose. "Can we please never fight like that ever again?"
Nodding her head, Leanne returned his smile as she spoke. "Most definitely."
They stayed that way for a few minutes, just staring into each other's eyes, and both of them considered popping the question to the other multiple times during that moment. But both knew it wasn't the right time. Not yet. Not with so much left out in the open. Not with so much left they needed to discuss.
Leanne pulled away first and while wiping the tears from her eyes she softly whispered. "I should've just talked to you about them."
The tone of her voice broke Ethan's heart, and he reached out to cup her chin in his hand gently. "The nightmares?" He already knew the answer to his question, but he wanted to give her an opening, instead of trying to force the conversation out of her like he had before.
Nodding her head softly Leanne sighed, leaning her cheek against the palm of Ethan's hand, her eyes closing at the intimacy of the situation. "They were getting pretty bad." She whispered.
Ethan nodded his head in response and rubbed the tears from her cheek with his thumb. "I know love." His voice was soft and the understanding in his eyes was almost more than Leanne could handle. "I know you were struggling. I just wish you would've come to me instead of shutting me out." His voice stayed soft, and Leanne was thankful for the fact that this conversation didn't seem to be getting out of hand like the last one.
"I know." She sniffled, wiping at her eyes with her shirt sleeve, and she reminded Ethan of a small child. "I was so stupid."
Shaking his head back and forth, Ethan gently lifted her chin up, bringing them eye to eye. "You weren't stupid Leanne. You were hurting. There's a huge difference."
"But I should've come to you. I should've let you help." She hung her head again, her fingers playing with the strings of the small blanket laying across his lap. "I should've talked to you."
Ethan let out a soft chuckle and bumped her gently with his elbow. "Well I'm here now." He offered her a smile when she looked up at him, her brown eyes full of hope. "And I can't exactly run away."
Leanne swatted at him playfully before toeing off her shoes and swinging her legs onto the bed. She waited while Ethan scooted over as best he could and then she tucked herself against his side, pulling the blanket over them both, her head settling on his shoulder. "I don't know where to begin."
"At the beginning." He dropped a kiss to her head and nuzzled her hair, the feeling of having her back in his arms something he truly wanted to relish. "Have you been having them this whole time? I mean, since the beginning? Or did they just start after the accident?"
"I've had a few since the start. After some of our scarier situations." She closed her eyes, her mind flashing back to the fear she had felt when she watched Ethan try to remove a small bomb from that police officer's leg. And then again when he said he might be leaving after his CO had showed up. She had thought that they would stop after they got together. Maybe knowing that there was something more concrete happening between them would be enough to calm her fears of losing him. But that had all changed after the outbreak. She hadn't been clear headed enough to have many nightmares while inside the tent, but she had had plenty when she had been in her hospital room. And even more once Ariel had passed. She never talked to Ethan about them then either. At least not about the ones that involved him dying. No, she never told anyone about those. Not even Jesse.
"They got worse after the outbreak. I couldn't stop thinking that something horrible was going to happen and you were going to wind up getting sick too. And then Ariel died, and I kept seeing your body in that casket." She sniffled as her tears ran freely down her face, staining his hospital gown once again. "After a few months they got better though. They stopped almost all together around Thanksgiving."
"After we went away for the weekend?" Ethan knew exactly what she was talking about. He was pretty sure that that had been the weekend he had fallen in love with her.
"Yeah." She smiled softly, the memory of the three days they had spent alone together coming back to her. "I didn't have anymore after that."
"Hmmm." Ethan hummed softly, his fingers carding gently through her messy hair, tugging gently on the strands as he went. "We hadn't really spent many nights apart since that weekend."
Leanne felt a blush come over her face, knowing good and well what he was saying. As much as she loved Ethan, which she really really did, she was so sexually attracted to him that it drove her insane. And there was nothing better than being able to actually sleep together, after actually sleeping together. "I never thought about that."
Letting out a light chuckle, Ethan pressed a kiss to her hair again and squeezed her shoulders tight. "Just a theory." He offered, hoping that he could help her make sense of this whole ordeal.
"Then of course, after your accident…" She trailed off, closing her eyes tight against the images of Ethan's broken body laying in that hospital bed. "I just…" She couldn't continue, and she felt like a coward. She didn't understand why this was so hard to talk about. Ethan was her boyfriend, her best-friend, and she was supposed to be able to talk to him about these kinds of things. And yet, her emotions still got the best of her.
"Shhh." His sentiment was soft and she felt him press his lips to her forehead as he spoke. "I'm here."
Tucking her head under his chin she allowed herself a few minutes to cry, feeling like she could be open with him for the first time. He held her tight, his arm around her shoulders, his thumb rubbing her upper arm gently. Every few minutes he would drop a kiss to her head or nuzzle his nose against her hair, and she was so relieved to finally be able to be this close to him again.
"I kept having nightmares about you." Her voice was so low that Ethan had to strain to hear it, but he did, and it brought tears to his own eyes. He pressed a soft kiss to her head and got ready to speak, when her fist balled up against the blanket resting over their chests, and he froze, knowing that she wasn't done yet. "I had some where I was back in time. I was there, when my accident happened. And I saw my babies laying there helpless and broken. But instead of John's body on the ground, it was yours. And when I was standing outside the morgue, looking inside, it was your face I saw, not his." She let out a sob, her whole body shaking with its force, and she tried to pull him closer. "Then I had some where I was watching your accident happen. And I try to run to you, but I can't. I can't move, I can't speak, I just stand there and watch it happen. Over and over and over again." She felt Ethan tighten his arm around her, and when he dropped his head on top of hers she felt his tears against her scalp. "And then…" She took a deep breath, knowing that this one was the hardest one for her to get over. In fact, this nightmare she was still having, almost every night since he had been rushed back to Angels. "And then in some, you're laying here alone in your room and you just die. Just like that." She gripped the blanket tighter in her hand and sobbed uncontrollably against his chest.
"Oh honey." Ethan whispered those two words into her hair before he lost it. He cried big, fat, ugly tears against the crown of her head. He felt horrible. He felt like the worst boyfriend known to man. How had he not seen how much she was hurting? How had he not known? "I'm so sorry." He whispered again, pressing another kiss down to her head.
The two laid that way for a long while, both crying softly to themselves. They were both so emotionally drained that they both felt like they could sleep for days just from the crying alone. Leanne closed her eyes and moved her head to rest it as close to his heart as possible. She smiled softly when she felt his arm relax around her, his hand settling on her hip, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on the smooth skin just above her waistband. She got ready to speak when she heard Ethan's voice whisper four horrifying words against her head.
"I have them too." His voice was shaky, and his thumb stilled it's movements against her side. Leanne felt him shiver under her and she pulled the blanket closer around them as she let the words process in her head.
"Nightmares?" She whispered, her hand falling flat over his heart as she pulled her head back enough to look him in the eye.
Ethan nodded his head softly, eyeing her through the tears. "Yeah."
"About what?" She could see the pain in his eyes, and she wondered how much of that was from this conversation and how much of it was from his arm. She pulled her hand gently from under the covers and touched his cheek softly, then his forehead, feeling for any signs of fever.
"Losing you." His voice cracked, and by the feel of it, it wasn't just the conversation that was getting to him. Nodding her head softly, Leanne let her fingers tangle in his hair, and she leaned up to press a kiss to his chin.
"How bad?" She wanted to tell him to stop talking. She wanted to tell him that he needed to sleep and that she needed to get ready for work. But she honestly didn't give a damn at this point. They were being honest with each other. And she didn't want to break that line of communication.
"Bad." His eyes were tired and sad, and he dropped his head down against hers with a sigh. "Mostly about the outbreak." He whispered, closing his heavy eyelids as he settled his head back against the pillow. "We don't find a cure, or you do something stupid, or you die instead of Ariel." He choked back a sob and Leanne rubbed his cheek gently, trying to offer just as much comfort to him as he had just done for her. "It's always different. Except for one thing." She tightened her grip on his cheek, willing him not to say it. "You die."
Leanne let out a whimper as she pulled her body up some, allowing her face to be next to Ethan's on the hard pillow. "Oh Ethan." She whispered softly, turning his face towards her. The look in her eyes said all she needed to know. That he was just as terrified of losing her as she was of losing him. And she kissed him. It was soft and gentle, and just enough to offer them both the comfort they were desperately seeking. When she pulled back, Ethan had his eyes closed and his hand on her hip had gone lax. Leaning forward, she pressed a kiss to his temple, whispering softly against the warm skin. "Go to sleep love." She pressed another kiss to his nose before settling herself back against his side, her head returning to it's spot above his heart. Closing her eyes, Leanne finally let her body relax, and with that, they both fell into the first peaceful sleep either of them had had in days.
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