He offered me a blanket and some tea to drink for the time being while I waited in his room for him to come back. Jasmine… my favorite no less. How would he have known that, I wondered. Then I will be there again, I was more than just a bit uneasy. I nearly kissed the man and yet here I was sitting on his bed. Heat rose in places they really shouldn't have right now. I tried to shake the feeling by focusing on my tea instead, but it lingered like a cough after a cold. I shifted the blanket over my shoulders out of habit to keep my back covered. I always hated the feeling of being exposed. Gazing out the window, the moon peered out through the clouds full and bright with a few stars here and there peeking through. A candle flickered off the walls making the effects of the tea seem stronger. The smell of him was everywhere. What is he doing, I wondered. It was so quiet that I could hear the drizzle outside against the door. Maybe he needed to get his mind together too…. After all, I did come onto him. Maybe I should do the same.
I took a breath and let it out slowly taking another sip and putting it down on the floor beside me. I crossed my legs and began to meditate the way Naruto had taught me after his training at Mt. Myoboku. Putting laxed fist together in my lap, sluggishly, I was able to feel the world around me. The creaking of the floor boards with every breath I took; the heated air rising past my ears and the cold flowing just below my arms, and dancing fire from the candle. I knew that it wasn't as vast as Naruto, but it was enough to put me at ease, knowing that the chaos I was feeling was not as bad as I made it out to be. Everything almost felt so clear, but there was still the gaping blackness that I always felt every time I would try to find tranquility. There it was I could see it, brooding in self-satisfaction. It would push and tug painfully at my heart the closer that I would try to get to it. I was very aware of the clod clammy sweat that ran down my back under the now overly warm blanket. But I wouldn't dare loose the connection that I was having now to remove it, so instead I mentally moved closer to the void.
My heart now hammering in my chest hands clenched tightly together a figure shifts in the black, I'm not sure what it is, but as much as I want to just go back and never get this close again t trudge forward more. My legs feel weak and rubbery, my throat is dry with fear. Why am I afraid? What is it about the darkness scares me? Fear of the unknown? No, our team faced countless unknown and I was never this frightened. Was it that I was doing it alone? But again, it was a no. I lived and face dangers alone far before I even made it to Konaha as a small child…. What was it then? A small voice, no, I can't call that a voice. It was more of a feeling than anything else. It rushed through my consciousness like a cold breeze and gave me my answer as clear as day as I stared at that menacing abyss. I was afraid at that moment that if I thought my answer clearly then all would be revealed right then and there. Was I ready for it, I wondered. The answer was there griped deathly tight in the grasp of my mind in a desperate attempt to hold on to something. Say it, the cold breeze rushed again with urgency. It was colder this time giving me a physical chill. No! My mind is screaming. Then the chill settles before the black and I turn away, back to my false serenity. I stayed there for what seems quite some time, ignoring the occasional cold.
I felt that I was nearly at peace until I hear the sound of…creaking stairs! I nearly have a panic attack realizing the gravity of the situation I just put myself in! What the hell was I thinking! There was no way that after what just happened everything would be just fine! For a split second I really considered jumping out the window, but on the other hand I didn't want to be rude. Damn you etiquettes! So, I sat…and waited. It felt like an eternity before the door opened and by that time I realized that I had been holding my breath since I stopped my meditation! That would explain the burn in my lungs right. I picked up my tea cup trying my best to be casual, even though I was legitimately killing myself, and breathed casually into the cup refusing to look in his general direction. This wall sure is interesting, I reasoned regaining my breathing pattern and subsiding the light-headedness that I was starting to rapidly feel. Okay, everything should be fine, everything is fine.
"Mai...," he said quietly next to me. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I wasn't even paying attention, but I kept still. "Hmm…". Apologize! Apologize right now! "Kib-" "Why don't you like to admit when you're hurting?" My jaw clenched. Even though he interrupted me multiple times this evening, he somehow can get to me with just a few words. Locking my gaze on the ripples in my tea, my heart ached. I wanted to talk I really did, but something stronger than just petty pride kept my mouth shut coming up with a snide remark instead. "You were never known to be much of a talker either." "But this isn't about me." I felt the tension of anger rise as quickly as it fell. He was never as calm as he would like to play that he was, especially when we were younger. He had gotten better at his temper, but I always knew the triggers and used them to my advantage when we would train together. "Kiba-" "No! Stop avoiding me!" The feeling of my chin being jutted upward by a firm hand snatching me away from my trance almost caused me to act, but I remembered who it was that was touching me and calmed just enough to whisk my chin away, but now we held one another's gaze. The fire of determination mixed with a sadness I couldn't place caused me to sigh looking back at my tea in defeat. He was right. I needed to stop this. All he wants to do is help, and I'm pushing him away like I didn't just show up in the rain like a sad puppy…. I made sure that our eyes met again, and this time he was going to get answers. "I know you're right, and I'm sorry, but…I'm just…not used to, to having someone want to know? I, I always take in everyone else's problems to…somehow ignore my own…. Maybe because its easier? I'm not really sure…, but this, I know I need this. I just…can't…" "But…I want you to tell me." He moved closer in front of me on his knees clasping both hands on mine around my tea cup. "Every time that I see you, I dunno, you always look so…occupied and sad, but, well, then I had no clue on how to talk to you about it. And then, after a while…you, you got cold and glassy eyed. To be honest, this is the most emotion I've seen from you in a long time. Eyes all shinnin' with a real happy smile." I had no idea when my eyes started to sting or when my heart suddenly made its way in my throat, but when I did, I could no longer look him in the eyes. I refused. "You must have really cared for both of them for that to take a hold of you like that." But with that, I heard something in his voice that drew my eyes again. He wasn't looking at me anymore, but he looked sheepish and sad with a blush barely visible on his cheeks. He, he thinks I- "Not necessarily," I blurt out feeling the strong need to steer him back in the right direction. Any other time it would be fun to exploit this kind of misunderstanding, especially with him, but right now…. Then I realized. I realized it so late, but it was there. This was a confession….