Wizards of Waverly Place
I've got a secret
Part Sixteen: Day Sixteen
It was Sunday, October 17, 2010, and there was trouble for each Russo, be they in the captured group, or Alex and Mason. The group had just gotten home from their long journey from the mysterious chamber, and Alex found herself at the mercy of her kidnappers. Little did anybody know that their problems of the present would soon be a lot more complicated.
Alex had just woken up to find herself tied to a chair in a dark warehouse, with only one light to illuminate the room. "Uh, where am I?" She asked as she awakened.
"You're at our headquarters, the most confidential building in New York." Stated the mobster.
"Headquarters? Of what? Who are you? What do you want with me? Headquarters of what?" Asked Alex without stopping.
"Headquarters, of one of the strongest mobs in the country, the nameless mob of New York City, of which nobody defies." Answered the mob member.
"Mob, ha, are you the guys who want to kill my dad for having some stupid card game?" Asked Alex.
"That's us, and we have captured you, in hopes that your father will come to rescue you, and we will then capture him, and kill him in front of you. After that we are obliged to track down the rest of your family and kill them collectively, including you." Stated the mobster.
"How did you know who I was? How did you know where to find me?"
"From me." Responded a man from the shadows.
"de Havilland, what is all this about? I thought we were in it together to kill my brother, how could you betray me?" Asked Alex.
"I am not a real police detective, I am a ranking member of the nameless mob of New York City, and it is my assignment to get Jerry Russo to our lair to kill him. By doing this I will be promoted to master at torture, and will be able to torture information out of people. At this point I am assistant torture master, I just carry the weapons, but not for long!" Proclaimed de Havilland.
"So, how did you know about Justin's mob to shut down that movie? How did you know I was Jerry Russo's daughter? How did you even find me?" Pleaded Alex.
"From me." Said a voice from the shadows.
"I can't see, who is it?" Asked Alex squinting in the direction of the voice.
"It's me! Susan Lucci!" Yelled Susan as she walked out of the shadows. Her hair was messed up and her clothes were wrinkled and filthy.
"Susan! You look a lot worse than you did when I saw you fifteen days ago. What happened?"
"I'll tell you what happened, you happened. Your stunt lost me my credibility as the most stable soap opera star in the country, I was fired, and was replaced by my long lost evil twin sister, Alexa." Stated Susan.
"Evil twin sister?" Asked Alex.
"See, I don't just act it, I live it, just to lose it all in the end. See what you did to me? Now all I have to live on is the six hundred dollars a year the mob pays me to track down people who trust fall me, which at the current status is one. Alex, can you guess who that one is?"
"I can take a pretty good shot at it." Stated Alex.
"Yes, you have made my job infinite percents harder than it was before! So, as my end of the bargain, once your father is captured, you and the rest of the Russo family will be killed, and I will wear their skin as a robe!" Yelled Susan.
"Gross, ya know what really keeps ya warm, a Snuggi, it's like a blanket with sleeves." Said de Havilland as he put on his Snuggi, which had sleeved three feet longer than his arm and extra fabric that went on for five feet after his legs ended.
"Ah you idiot, a Snuggi is just a backwards robe, how can you be so stupid?" Asked the mobster. "Well, the sooner your father gets here, the sooner we can kill you."
"What, that's not a good thing, why do you say it like it is?" Asked Alex.
Because, until your father arrives, you will be subjected to various forms of torture, non-stop to show you that nobody defies the nameless mob of New York!" Yelled the mobster.
"Yes, you will be forced to watch me and Susan re-enact scenes from the 1950's Oscar film, An American in Paris, and nobody can stop us!" Yelled de Havilland.
"No!" Yelled Alex as she sat on the chair and stared at her nails.
Back at the house, the group had just arrived home from their long walk from the mysterious lair, and they were all exhausted. "Uh, that place was so far away. Must've been all the way on the other side of the world!" Yelled Justin as he fell on the couch and then rolled off. "Oh!"
"It was just across town, all the way across town, and the river." Stated Theresa.
"Ya know, it would've made more sense to take a boat instead of walking across it." Stated Juliet as she fell on one of the chairs.
"Oh, now you come up with ideas, ya know an idea back in that evil chamber would've been good, before he was throwing glass at us, and dropping roofs all over the place!" Yelled Max.
"Ha, I had an idea to get us out of there. Corrected Juliet. "But I have to admit, I don't think it would've worked."
"Ya, it probably wouldn't have." Said Justin. "So, now that that's all over, what do we do about the police wanting to catch me? We can't return the watch, because I lost it under the staircase. Dad what do you think? Dad, dad!" Yelled Justin as he stomped his foot.
"Uh, why are you yelling at me, what did I do to you?" Asked Jerry as he held his head.
"Dad, it's me Justin, we're family, we always yell at each other, don't you remember!" Pleaded Justin as he shook Jerry by his shirt.
"Justin, oh ya, I forgot for a second, but ya, we should've gotten a boat. Well I'm going to, uh, uh..." Said Jerry as he thought.
"Do the marketing?" Asked Theresa.
"Ya." Said Jerry.
"Jerry, you never do the marketing, what's wrong with you?" Asked Theresa.
"Look, nothing is wrong with me. I am perfectly fine, and as for you old lady, you should get out of my house, before my wife gets home and puts the hurtin' on you!" Yelled Jerry pointing at Theresa.
"Jerry, I am your wife, Theresa!" Yelled Theresa.
"No, I know my wife, and she is not you!" Yelled Jerry.
"Jerry, if I'm not your wife then who is?" Asked Theresa.
"Theresa, but not you Theresa, she's a completely different person." Said Jerry.
"What's wrong with him?" Asked Juliet.
"Something's always wrong with him." Stated Kramer.
"I guess you're right." Said Theresa. "So, now that we're home we can return to our ordinary lives. Like me, now I can solve Max's stupid problems, and finally become a useful person!"
"Uh, what about me, you all may be out of trouble, but I still have the police after me for that watch. You should all pull together to help me, like I did to help all of you escape from that psycho." Said Justin.
"Ha, you were in there with that psycho too, plus, you should be able to save yourself to, Mr. 5.0 GP, uh, GPS, you don't need us." Said Max.
"Shut up Max." Said Justin.
"I'm sorry."
"Well, until I come up with a solution, I'll just be under the stairs, hiding from Ray." Said Justin as he headed for the stairs.
"Ha, where is Ray? I haven't seen him since we got home." Stated Theresa.
"Don't be so secure, he could be hiding in one of our plants with a sniper gun, ready to pull a guerrilla attack on me!" Yelled Justin.
"Ha, I think he's really gone this time." Said Juliet. "I mean, all of his ammunition is gone, his credit cards, his razor blades. He must be gone for good if he took his razor blades."
"Alright, now I can think of how to avoid the police from outside the under of the stairs! Wow, Alex must have done something genius to get rid of him." Said Justin.
"Ha, where is Alex?" Asked Kramer as he picked up a coaster and looked under it.
"Beats me, maybe she heard we were coming back and went out to get balloons to throw a party for us." Suggested Theresa. "Okay, even I know that's a stupid suggestion that probably isn't what the case is. Do you remember what the last thing she said to us before we left was?"
"Ya, she said she was going out to look for, uh, uh, I don't remember I was too pre-occupied with putting together my costume to listen." Stated Justin. "But that's what other people are for."
"Ya, I was too upset, about having to waste my time finding Jerry to listen to her." Said Theresa.
"Ya, I don't think Alex is capable of doing anything important enough for me to get involved with it, let alone listen to it, so I just ignore her when she talked.
"Ya, and me and Kramer are too stupid to remember what somebody said beyond about five, sec, ha where's Alex?" Asked Max.
"I'm not stupid, how dare you even suggest, that I am the least, bit, uh, ha, we got out of that crazy guy's lair! Woo hoo!" Yelled Kramer.
"Ya and I don't think I was there, so I probably won't remember what Alex said, or even who she is." Said Jerry.
"Well, she already got rid of Ray so it doesn't matter where she is." Stated Justin.
"I guess you're right, so what do we do to help Justin?" Asked Theresa as she sat on the couch.
"Well, the easiest thing to do is to look for the watch under the staircase." Said Juliet. "But for some reason I think that'll just lead to more problems. For some reason, whatever we do to solve our problems, they always lead to other, more strange problems that are even harder to solve." Said Juliet.
"Ha, can we solve this problem first!" Demanded Justin. "Usually I would think ahead and interpret what Juliet said, but right now I'm tired of having to wear a costume every time I leave the house, so let's find the damn watch and get it over with!" Yelled Justin.
"Do not yell at me, I got into this family by just taking on a false identity, you had to steal a million dollar watch to get into the family." Said Juliet as she drank tea.
"That tea's been there for four days." Said Theresa.
"I don't care I'm thirsty." Said Juliet in a quiet uncaring voice as she kept drinking.
"Wait, if I return the watch, will that mean I'm not in the family anymore?" Asked Justin.
"Normally yes, but now that you've given me a purpose in my life, to find the watch, you are now in the family." Said Theresa.
"I don't remember much, but I don't think you have the authority to put people into this family, whoever you are!" Yelled Jerry as he ate a donut.
"So, if it's your purpose to find the watch, does that mean we don't have to help?" Asked Kramer.
"No, you have to help, I am the soul finder of the watch, you're all just accessories." Said Theresa.
"Ya mean like fridge magnets?" Asked Max.
"Exactly like fridge magnets, now we'll need some flashlights, some gloves, and some flashlights." Said Theresa.
"You already said flashlights." Said Juliet.
"What, Jerry can forget things and I can't!" Demanded Theresa.
"I'm sorry." Said Juliet as she put her head down in shame.
"Good, now let's get moving!" Yelled Theresa as she ran face first into a wall. "Ah!"
Back at the mob headquarters, de Havilland and Susan were hard at work, dancing and using all their strength to lift each other in scenes reminiscent of 'An American in Paris. Alex finally yelled. "Alright! That's enough! I know you think that Jerry will come and rescue me, but honestly, it's more likely that the whole family, but him, will come for me, and he'll be too busy painting the pipes in the basement to care about me or them." Said Alex.
"Pipes in the basement are pretty dull, maybe I should paint the ones at my house." Said de Havilland.
"Me to, once I get enough money to buy paint." Said Susan. "Or, we could make paint, like stirring things together. Could that be her punishment for now?" Asked Susan.
"No, if we seek to kill Jerry Russo, yet live by his ways, then we are no better than hypocrites, and we cannot possibly kill Jerry Russo, for nobody shall turn into a hypocrisy, the nameless mob of New York City! Once he's dead, then we can paint the basement pipes." Stated the mobster.
"I'm telling you, Jerry is not coming, so why wouldn't you just go to his house and kill him there?" Asked Alex.
"That is not how the nameless mob of New York works, we do not take the easy way out. We always determine the most complicated and dangerous way to do things, and that is the way of the nameless mob of New York City City." Said the mobster.
"You said City twice." Said Susan.
"I forgot to say it the last time I said the name." Said the mobster. "But fear not, the mob will lure Jerry Russo in, in an estimated time slot, of three hours, to five weeks."
"Five weeks, do you know what I've been through in two weeks? I've gotten the jobs of mobster, janitor, I've ran off a demented man bent on killing my brother, found my boyfriend by the power of an enchanted necklace, and trust-falled Susan Lucci, you have no idea what five weeks could bring, in the time I'll be wasting here!" Yelled Alex.
"Ha, all I've done in the past two weeks is change my oil, and I paid somebody to do that, so I think you can wait to change your oil, just like I did." Said the mobster.
"Fine, waste your time and mine, because Jerry Russo, is not coming here!" Yelled Alex.
"You think wasting time is a big deal for us, well it's not, the nameless mob of New York City has all the time in the world. The nameless mob of New York City has all the time in the world." Stated de Havilland.
"You said that twice." Said Susan.
"What, he can repeat things and I can't!" Demanded de Havilland.
"I'm sorry." Said Susan in an ashamed voice.
"Yes, maybe Jerry Russo will be brought here sooner, if we subject you to more present forms of torture, like physical pain, and food deprivation, that's what we'll do." Stated the mobster.
"Uh oh." Said Alex.
At the house, everybody was hard at work in looking in the under of the staircase. "Uh, so dark I can't see a thing." Said Theresa. "Where could that stupid watch be!"
"Ha, if it hadn't been for you and dad's stupid rules about having to earn a place in the family, this never would've happened!" Yelled Justin.
"Ha, we said you had to do something of Russo-caliber to get into the family, we didn't give details, so how you become a member of the family and the consequences that go with it are not of liability of me and Jerry." Said Theresa. "You could've got just pretended to be a sibling of Justin Russo like Juliet and Mason did 'stead of stealing that damn watch." Said Theresa.
"I am Justin Russo, and I did pretend to be one of his siblings!" Yelled Justin. "Remember, I said I was three months younger than him and had the same name?"
"Ya, but you didn't help anybody with that but yourself, the Russo's only reward acts of selflessness." Said Theresa.
"Since when?" Asked Justin loudly.
"Since I got us all to work together to escape that psycho maniac and become closer." Said Juliet in a happy voice.
"Shut up Juliet." Said Max as he looked at the ground with a flashlight.
"You can't tell me what to do you shrimp!" Yelled Juliet as she threw down her flashlight.
"You think you're so much better than our family, well you're not. You wouldn't even be here if Justin didn't date you and we never would've been kidnapped." Said Max.
"Mrs. Russo, Max is being mean to me!" Whined Juliet.
"Who cares! Kramer, can you hand me some rubber gloves?" Asked Theresa.
"Sure." Said Kramer as he reached into the container and pulled out some gloves and gave them to Theresa.
"Kramer, there are three gloves, why would you give me three gloves?" Asked Theresa.
"You said some, didn't say a specific number." Responded Kramer.
"Well, I think that when somebody asks for gloves that you would assume they want two gloves, and that's because people have two hands, just in case you were wondering!" Yelled Theresa.
"Justin, Mrs. Russo is yelling at me!" Whined Kramer.
"Mom!" Yelled Justin as he looked at a box.
"I'm sorry." Said Theresa. "Ha, I found something, oh, it's just a really shiny gold colored piece of tooth."
"I knew I lost one of my fillings when you hit me!" Yelled Juliet at Theresa.
"No comment." Said Theresa as she continued to look.
"Hey, why isn't dad helping us, this is partly his fault?" Asked Justin. "Ha, what if we get a new watch and color it gold, then we could fool the police into thinking that that's the gold watch. Or we don't have to get a new watch, we can use an old one we're painting it anyway." Said Justin. The whole family stared at him. "I thought somebody should give a stupid suggestion since dad's not here, but sadly I think that's a good idea. We gonna do it?"
"I think the museum workers will know the difference between an antique golden watch and an old one that got painted gold." Stated Theresa.
"Fine, we can buy a new watch, maybe from Good Will, mom gimme your purse." Said Justin as he held out his hand.
"Okay but don't spend any of the money in it." Said Theresa as she handed him her purse. "Oh, I'll need it later to buy that new watch."
"That's what he was going to use your purse for!" Yelled Theresa.
"No, I was going to use it to buy some Spearmint, makes the breath fresh and desirable." Said Justin as he breathed out ice. "That was weird, but it wouldn't have been if I had been chewing Spearmint, Mom make with the purse! Oh, I'm holding it."
"What is wrong with you guys, you're acting so stupid, more than usual, why?" Asked Juliet. "Ha, what if we use our ice breath from the Spearmint to freeze the police who try to catch Justin, then we wouldn't need a watch, Theresa make with the purse!" Yelled Juliet.
"I got the purse!" Yelled Justin.
"Gimme that!" Yelled Juliet as she jumped on Justin and they wrestled.
"Fight, fight, fight!" Yelled Kramer.
"Uh, make it stop!" Yelled Max as tears ran down his face.
"Ha, that's Mrs. Russo to you." Said Theresa to Juliet who was on the floor.
"Wait!" Wait, why are we doing this? Maybe Alex not being here, bein' stupid, makes it necessary for one of us to act stupid to make it feel like home, but we haven't determined who should do that so we all do it." Said Justin. "Wonder where Alex is."
"Hopefully out gettin' us some Spearmint!" Yelled Juliet as she sat on the floor smoking.
"Juliet, what are you going, you don't smoke." Said Theresa.
"I do now!" Yelled Juliet. "Uh, hu, I don't like smoking, I wanna stop, where's the Spearmint!"
"Okay, we can adjust to life without Alex wherever she is, so just stop acting stupid, so we can get that Spearmint!" Yelled Justin.
"Not Spearmint, gold fillings!" Yelled Juliet.
"Right, wait, we were looking for that watch, that's what we were doing, we did it, we're not stupid anymore!" Yelled Justin.
"Great, gimme back my purse!" Yelled Theresa.
"Oh, you just want that Spearmint for yourself!" Yelled Justin as he threw the purse on to a shelf on the wall.
"Gimme the purse!" Yelled Theresa.
"Ha, you want that purse, you'll have to get through me!" Yelled Juliet. Theresa then punched her in the mouth. "Oh, my fillings!"
"Ha!" Screamed Justin. "We can use her gold fillings to color the watch, we can chip off the paint and put it on the watch, that's what we'll do!" Yelled Justin as he punched Juliet in the mouth.
"Oh, you, ha, the purse!" Yelled Juliet as her and Juliet ran for the purse. "Ha, there's no money in this purse!"
"Oh, I forgot your father never gives me any money." Said Theresa. "So."
"Ya, sorry I punched you in the mouth to steal your fillings." Said Justin.
"Sorry I planted opium in your briefcase." Said Juliet.
"Ya, what?" Asked Justin.
"Never mind." Said Juliet.
"Well, I give up!" Yelled Kramer as he threw his flashlight on the ground and it shattered.
"Somebody's gonna have to clean that up." Said Max.
"Jerry!" Yelled the family.
"Jerry, we need you to clean..." Started Theresa.
"Listen crazy lady who I assume killed my wife, you can't just barge in here, and tell me, uh, oh!" Yelled Jerry as he grabbed his head and collapsed on the floor.
"Hu!" Yelled the family.
"What happened?" Asked Juliet.
"Call an ambulance!" Yelled Justin as they went to prop Jerry up and Theresa grabbed the phone and began to dial.
Will the mob really torture Alex, and will it really bring Jerry there faster? Will Mason ever find Alex? Will the Russo's ever find the watch? What happened to Jerry, and will the ambulance come in time? You'll know if you read the other 356 days in the year in the life of the Russo's," I've got a secret."