My 190-Pound Life

by crazyassCas

12 years ago, Dean underwent a life-changing surgery that completely turned his life around. He's stuck to the lifestyle changes, and he never thought he'd get this far. When he meets Cas, a chubby stoner in his mid-twenties, everything is perfect. But when Cas' lifestyle choices threaten everything Dean's worked so hard to achieve, he's faced with a difficult decision. Rating: MA

5. Chapter 5

A/N: i'm so sorry that it's been almost 2 months since i updated. i suck, and this chapter was really hard. i of course spent ages reading and re-reading it and now i'm convinced that it sucks. is this why people have betas? i definitely wasn't planning on this being SO long, but i just can't make myself skimp out on detail in stories like these. they're so important. so just know that this work will definitely be finished, it just takes me a while to update. (also doesn't help that my updates are 20k words, lol)

HUGE TRIGGER WARNING for graphic depiction of childhood sexual abuse, way at the end of the chapter. if you want to skip it, it's obvious when it's coming up, just skip all of the italicized text because it's a flashback. i'm really sorry that i just can't stay away from hurt/comfort. i've been building up to this since like the second chapter.

anyway, i hope you guys like the update :)

---

As Dean asked the host for a booth for two, Cas scanned the crowded restaurant. Most patrons were dressed nicely, perhaps a little bit too much so, and Cas again realized with a sense of detached uneasiness that it was a Sunday afternoon; most of these people had probably just left church. He turned his head back to Dean just in time to see him following the hostess and waving him on.

As they slid into the booth, the hostess set two menus on the table. "Your server will be with you in just a minute."

"Thank you." Dean shot her a polite smile that she returned before walking back towards the front of the restaurant. He grabbed one of the menus and flipped it open, and Cas did the same. "Get anything you want," he said, peering up at Cas.

Cas took in a deep breath. "I know exactly what I want," he said, lowering the menu onto the table and pointing to the first page. "That."

Dean lowered his own menu to follow Cas' finger. He was pointing to some 'big breakfast' item, a smörgåsbord of breakfast foods with some manly name, and even Dean doubted that Cas could finish it all. The most he'd seen him eat in one sitting were those six slices of pizza the second time they'd ever hung out, and even then, Cas had taken a break after like four slices. This meal included three slices of French toast, a four-egg ham and cheese omelette, and six slices of bacon.

He lifted his eyes to meet Cas' gaze, a small smile playing on his lips. "You can't eat all that."

Cas narrowed his eyes across the table. "Watch me."

Dean chuckled, looking back down at his own menu. "Okay, okay. Maybe I can find something small on here with a girly name."

Cas looked back down at the meal he'd chosen and it's weird, gendered name. "I don't really understand the stereotype that only men eat big, hardy meals. If anyone, shouldn't it be women? Don't they need extra padding and nutrients for making babies?"

Dean shrugged. "I guess. I don't really give much thought to the biological processes of baby-making." He lowered his menu again and pointed to a small description on the second page. "I'm gonna get this. French toast, eggs, and bacon."

As if on cue, a shadow darkened their table, and they looked up to see their waitress standing there. "Morning guys," she said, her voice reflecting clear disinterest as she pulled a pencil and a pad of paper out of the front of her smock. As soon as she looked up and caught Dean's eye though, she straightened up, and Cas didn't miss the way she pulled her shoulders back to accentuate her chest.

"Are you ready to order?" she asked sweetly, staring at Dean.

"Yeah," he responded, seemingly oblivious as he glanced back down at the menu. "I'm going to get this, but with the eggs scrambled. Please."

She smiled, a little too big, as she scribbled it down. "Okay. And to drink?"

"OJ." He expectantly looked over at Cas, and the waitress followed, too.

"And you?" she asked flatly.

"Um..." Cas looked back down at his menu, sinking down in his seat a bit. "That." He pointed at the picture, not even wanting to say the stupid name aloud.

"Drink?" she asked, as Dean reached across the table to grab Cas' menu.

"Milk."

She finished scribbling on her notepad and Dean handed her their menus. "I'll be right back with your drinks," she said to Dean, shooting him a smile before spinning on her heel and walking off.

Cas propped his elbow up on the table and leaned his cheek on his fist, staring at the sugar packets along the far end of the table. "Somebody likes you," he muttered.

Dean murmured a noise of agreement before looking away from the retreating waitress and over at Cas. "Guess so. Too bad for her I'm already spoken for."

Cas met his eyes and smiled. "Yes, that certainly is too bad for her."

"How'd you sleep last night?"

"What?"

Dean raised one eyebrow. "How'd you sleep...?"

"Oh," Cas said, straightening up and dropping his arm onto the table. "Uh, great. Your mattress was always very comfortable."

Dean smiled proudly. "Memory foam. How's your neck?"

Cas shrugged lightly, then tilted his head to both the left and right. "It's okay."

Their waitress returned with their drinks, setting them down in front of each of them. "Your food will be out shortly," she said, again focusing on Dean.

"Thanks," Dean responded, not even looking up at her and instead grabbing his straw as she walked off. He ripped open the wrapper and brought it to his lips, but when he blew out, the end of the sleeve just flapped a bit. Dean looked disappointed, and he brought the end up to his face for inspection. "Man, when I was a kid my mom and I would always shoot these at each other. Now-a-days they put holes in 'em so you can't. Lame."

Cas picked up his own straw and looked at both ends closely, and sure enough, each end had a small hole in the wrapper. "Seems like it defeats the purpose of a wrapper to have a hole in it," Cas observed.

"Definitely." He watched as Cas ripped one end off and twisted the other so that it was sealed. Then, before Dean could react, he lifted the uncovered end to his mouth and blew. The wrapper sailed across the space between them, smacking Dean in the cheek, and he brought his hand up to rub it while feigning hurt. "Ow! Could've taken my eye out with that sharp, twisted end. Fuckin' psychopath."

Cas smiled. "Drama queen."

Dean smiled back, and they ended up just staring at each other for a sickeningly-sweet moment before he cleared his throat and glanced away. "So, uh, what day do you have to be back at work?"

Cas frowned. "Thursday. But then I have to take off again Monday because I have surgery."

Dean just stared at him, mouth open. "Surgery? For what?"

"Uh, my broken nose? Or did you not notice?"

Dean shrugged. "I dunno, it's... kind of fucked up, but I thought it was just swollen or whatever."

"The swelling's already gone down for the most part..." Cas said.

"Oh," Dean said sheepishly. "Shit, sorry."

Cas chuckled. "It's okay. I know it's fucked up."

"So I assume that's why you're suddenly snoring?" Dean asked, lifting his glass to his mouth and taking a large gulp of orange juice. For all the time they'd spent talking about the straws, he hadn't even used it.

Cas gave him a blank stare. "I've been snoring?"

Dean lowered his glass. "Yep."

"That's... embarrassing. I hope I didn't keep you up."

"You're good," Dean said dismissively. "I could sleep through the apocalypse."

Their waitress returned a second time, a tray of food in her arms. She set everything down on the table and made eye contact with Cas briefly- most likely just to be polite- and then flashed Dean another smile. "Let me know if you need anything else."

"Thank you," Cas said quickly. She glanced at him again, then hurried off to tend to the table behind them, and Cas watched as Dean picked up his knife and began spreading butter onto his French toast. "Do you get that a lot?"

Dean raised his eyes and smiled. "You the jealous type?"

Cas frowned. "I guess that would accurately describe how I feel right now, yes."

Dean shrugged lightly, setting his knife down. "I guess I get it often enough. You don't?"

Cas had to think about it for a moment as he picked up his fork and cut into his omelette. "Not really in every day life. At bars and parties, sure."

"I'm surprised."

Cas raised one eyebrow. "Why?"

Dean shrugged again as he shook some pepper onto his eggs. "It's not like you're not good-looking, Cas."

Cas looked down at his plate, worried that he was going to start blushing. "Uh, thank you."

"Welcome," Dean said nonchalantly around a large bite of toast. "To be honest, I didn't think you'd say yes when I asked you out."

Cas looked up again. "Why wouldn't I?"

"I dunno. I mean, the way you looked at me when you said you weren't into women kind of made me think you were dropping a hint- but I was still kind of afraid you'd say no and I'd look like an idiot. And unprofessional for asking out a customer." He scoffed a laugh. "Can you imagine the Yelp review? 'Creepy older mechanic hit on me when I went in for an oil change.' Bobby woulda had my ass."

"Well I'm glad the look I gave you properly communicated my intent, and you took the chance."

"Me too."

"And you're not creepy."

Dean pointed his fork at him. "If you weren't interested, I would've been."

A minute or two passed as their interest shifted to their food, but then Dean cleared his throat and took a sip of his orange juice. "So, I was wondering where you were taking the Lincoln before you came to us for that oil change."

"Oh- uh..." Cas looked suddenly uncomfortable, swallowing down the bite of French toast he was working on. "When I first got the car I kind of just went wherever. Whoever was cheapest. Then for a while I was kind of seeing this guy... He was a mechanic, so-"

Dean laughed. "Oh, so is that what you see in me?"

Cas blinked, as if he hadn't even noticed the pattern. "No," he said, dead serious.

"Relax, Cas. I was joking."

"Oh. Uh, anyway... I just paid him to do it."

Dean frowned. "He made you pay him?" He thought back to their first three months together; Dean had changed Cas' brakes and Cas had tried to give him money, but he'd refused to take it.

"Well, I couldn't really expect him to pay for parts for my car. And I don't really expect anybody to work for free, either. But he did everything in his driveway, so it was still cheaper than taking it to the shop."

Dean's frown softened. "I guess..." As Cas went back to eating, Dean watched him for a moment. "So... can I ask what happened?"

Cas didn't look up from his plate or stop eating. "He found someone he liked better," he said between bites.

"Were you together a long time?"

"A year," Cas answered. "So, not really."

"That's kind of a long time."

"I guess."

"...You know I'd never cheat on you, right?"

Cas stiffened and looked up. "I never said he cheated on me."

Dean held his gaze. "But... he did. Right?"

Cas narrowed his eyes, suspicion clear on his face. "How did you know that?"

Dean looked away. "Remember we went to Gabe's on the fourth of July? Well... when you guys were all out in the backyard, and you sent me inside to find Gabe, I saw him arguing with some guy in the living room. He ended up kicking him out. Later when Anna was puking in the bushes and you were holding her hair back, I asked Gabe who he was. He was pretty drunk by then and told me the guy was your 'douchebag cheating ex' and that he wasn't going to have that guy ruin your night by showing up. That he was either going to try to hook up with you, or someone else in front of you, and he wasn't having either of it."

Cas groaned and lowered his head, setting his fork down. "I really wish he would keep his mouth shut sometimes."

"I know, Cas, but he's a good friend. He cares about you, even though he has a weird way of showing it."

Cas picked his fork back up and poked at the remainder of his omelette. "You're right. I just... hate being pitied. It's why I never told any of them how bad it really was with my parents."

"Most people aren't going to pity you, Cas. They might show you sympathy, but that's different."

"I guess."

Another few minutes passed as they resumed eating, and Dean finally stopped when he had only one slice of bacon left. Cas still had a slice of French toast and three strips of bacon remaining, and his pace was slowing down considerably.

"So... you nervous? For surgery?"

"A little bit," Cas admitted. "Mostly about a reaction to the anesthesia. ...What if I don't wake up?"

Dean could definitely understand. When he'd been anesthetized at five-hundred and fifty pounds, not waking up had been a very real fear. "Have you ever gone under before?"

Cas shook his head.

"Well, damn," Dean said. "I've lost count of how many times I've been under. You'll be fine. It's just like falling asleep and waking up."

"I hope so." He pulled his bottom lip between his teeth, chewing on it a bit before letting it pop back out. "...Will you come with me?"

"Of course," Dean answered without hesitation. "I'll call Bobby and tell him I need the day off."

"I'm sorry. I just... I need somebody to drive me home. My mom was supposed to do it, but..."

"It's fine, Cas. I'd want to come anyway." He wiped his mouth with his napkin and balled it up. "Do you want this?" he asked, pointing to his last slice of bacon.

"Uh, no, thanks," Cas answered, glancing down at what was left on his own plate.

Dean dropped his napkin onto his plate just as their waitress popped up seemingly out of nowhere. "You two all finished?"

"I am," Dean replied with a smile. "Thank you. And could we have two coffees please, black? Oh, and a slice of cherry pie."

She nodded and picked up Dean's plate. As she walked off, Cas began working on his last piece of French toast.

Dean drained the last of his orange juice and set the empty cup near the edge of the table. "Do you think your mom's going to show up at the hospital?"

Cas swallowed his food and shook his head. "I hope not," he said gravely. "But maybe. I'm sure if she knew where you lived she'd have shown up there by now."

"Where we live," Dean said.

The corner of Cas' mouth turned up in a small smile. "Right."

The waitress came around again and set down their two cups of coffee and Dean's pie. "Anything else?"

Dean looked at Cas, who shook his head. "No, we're good," Dean said, and she nodded and set a little black folder on the table. Cas watched as Dean began to open the folder, but he picked it up an held it away from Cas, narrowing his eyes at him. "Don't be nosy."

"Why can't I see?" Cas asked, chewing a bite of bacon.

"You can if you really want, but it doesn't matter. I'm paying anyway."

"Okay," Cas mumbled.

Dean finally cracked open the folder and peeked inside. He tucked his credit card into the little flap, set the folder on the edge of the table, and began working on his slice of pie. Their waitress walked past and swiped the folder, and she returned a minute or two later and set it back down, along with a pen. She took Cas' finally empty plate and glass and hurried off again.

Dean opened it to sign his receipt and chuckled lightly, a small smile spreading across his lips.

"What?" Cas asked.

Dean turned it around to show Cas. On the top was a phone number, and beneath that: Samantha, followed by a little heart.

Cas frowned and narrowed his eyes at Dean over the folder. "Why would you show me that?"

Dean held his gaze. "Maybe because it's kind of hot when you get jealous."

Cas looked away and shook his head in amusement, a small smile on his lips. "Whatever you say."

Dean put his credit card back in his wallet and picked up the pen. He signed the first copy of the receipt, and on the one he was supposed to keep, beneath her note, he wrote: Sorry, you're very attractive but I'm happily taken.

Cas watched him write it and didn't say anything, instead slowly sipping on his coffee. Dean stuffed a tip into the folder, closed it, and slid it to the edge of the table. He picked up his coffee and took a large swig before working on the last few bites of his pie.

"I've never seen anyone do that before," Cas finally said.

Dean shrugged, scraping the last of the filling off of the edge of the crust. "I'd want to know why someone turned me down."

"I guess."

Samantha returned again, and Cas wondered how she was able to stop by every two minutes when the place was so busy. He glanced past her and noticed that at least half of the restaurant had cleared out already, and two guys were hurrying about, busing tables. He turned his attention back to their table and Samantha had opened the folder, her eyes scanning over what Dean had written. Dean looked a bit uncomfortable, as if he hadn't expected her to read it in front of him.

She closed the folder and looked down at Dean with a soft smile. "She doesn't need to know."

Dean's entire demeanor changed instantly. "Uh, no," he said, frowning deeply. "I don't operate that way. And he is right there." He pointed across the table at Cas.

"Oh- um-" She took a step back, clearly caught off guard, her face darkening in embarrassment. "I- sorry. ...Have a nice day." She spun in place and hurried off towards the back of the restaurant.

Dean raised his eyebrows, mouthing wow as he picked up his coffee. "Awkwardddd."

"Yeah. That was weird."

"So, uh, anyway, what d'you wanna do today?"

"What do you mean?"

Dean shrugged. "I just figured we could go out and do something. I dunno. It's the last day of the Ren Fest."

Cas blinked in surprise. "You want to go to the Renaissance Festival?"

"Um... if you want... Charlie would probably be down. And you can ask Gabe to come. Although, he probably hates my guts."

"He doesn't-" He cut himself off. "He'll get over it." He smiled. "Anyway, that sounds fun."

Dean returned his smile, and Cas could tell he was trying not to seem too excited. "Awesome. Um... if they can't both come, though, I'd kind of like it to be just us, so... let me ask Charlie first. She won't care if I cancel on her."

"Okay."

Dean pulled his phone out and opened up his never-ending conversation with Charlie.

Dean: hey... what are you doing today?

Charlie: netflix binge. and ice cream. also a binge. in my pajamas. why?

Dean: okay soooo if I go to renfest, would you come?

Charlie: sure. when tho? it's already like noon

Dean looked up. "She's down. Text Gabe."

Cas: Where are you?

Gabe: my house? why? r u here?

Cas: No. Do you want to go to the Renaissance Festival? Like... now?

Gabe: uh OK. better than what i had planned, anyway. do u want me to pick u up?

Cas looked up from his phone. "He wants to know if he should pick me up. ...Maybe I should let him, so I can have a chance to talk to him."

Dean frowned. "Yeah, I should talk to Charlie, too."

Cas: Yes please.

Gabe: where does dean live

Cas: I'm in town. Dean's meeting us there with a friend of his.

Gabe: uh OK didn't kno he was coming :|

Cas: Don't be a dick.

Gabe: fine

Gabe: address?

"He's going to pick me up."

"Alright, I'll pick up Charlie."

Dean: i was thinking now...? i can pick you up.

Charlie: okay you can head over but i need to get dressed

"It's going to take Gabe at least twenty minutes to get here."

Dean scratched his chin thoughtfully. "We could smoke a joint in the car."

Cas drained the last of his coffee and lowered his mug, grinning widely. "I like the way you think."

---

"There's Gabe," Cas said, pointing to a blue Subaru as it pulled into the lot.

Dean watched as Gabe pulled into a parking space and put the car in park. "Are you going to tell him?"

"Tell him what?"

Dean turned to face him. "Y'know... why I did what I did."

Cas hesitated. "I...m guessing you don't want me to."

"Not really, but..." He exhaled a tired-sounding sigh, looking back out the windshield at Gabe's car. "I also don't want your friends to hate me."

"It's not like I have to go into detail," Cas offered. "And it's not like you're the first person to let self-confidence issues effect a relationship."

"I guess."

"Doesn't everybody else in your life know? Or do you hide your scars from them, too?"

"No... they know," Dean said quietly, chewing on his thumbnail.

"So..." Cas trailed off.

"You're right," Dean said, dropping his hand away from his mouth. "It's fine."

"I mean... do you want to tell him?"

"No."

"I'll be vague."

Dean drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, still staring out the windshield. "You know what? It's fine. Tell him whatever you want."

"...Are you sure?"

"Yes," Dean answered immediately. "I don't care about anyone's opinion but yours." He finally turned his head again to look at Cas, who met his gaze with a warm smile.

"That's the spirit. Although... you probably shouldn't care much about mine either."

Dean looked at him closely. "Why not?"

Cas hesitated, trying to think of how to answer that. "I don't know. I'm not really qualified to make decisions regarding my own life, let alone anyone else's."

"I definitely care what you think, Cas."

Cas smiled as Dean leaned forward, meeting him half-way across the seat for a kiss. "I'll see you there."

"Okay. I'm just going to run home and let Floyd out and then go pick up Charlie."

"Okay," Cas said, pushing open the car door. "See you soon." He climbed out and closed it behind him, and as he walked off, Dean just hoped that Gabe would be as understanding as he was.

"Hey," Cas said as he opened the door to Gabe's Subaru.

Gabe looked up from his phone. "I was just texting you," he said as Cas got into the car. "Have a nice morning-after breakfast with Ken doll?"

Cas rolled his eyes, although he thought it was pretty ironic that, while Dean thought so little of himself, others thought he was the image of perfection. He'd have to tell Dean that later. "Yes, I did, as a matter of fact. And I think the whole 'living together' thing kind of negates the hook-up vibe you're implying."

"I guess," Gabe muttered, putting the car in reverse and backing out of the spot. "So what did he have to say for himself?"

"Um..." Cas floundered a bit, unprepared to have to explain so soon. "He had a good reason."

"Right," Gabe said sarcastically.

"He did," Cas insisted, "Although I don't really have to justify anything to you."

"Guess not, but I did tell him I was gonna kick his ass if he hurt you. So."

Cas crossed his arms. "Well I'm pretty sure he could take you."

Gabe shot him a grin. "Wanna bet?"

Cas sighed, unfolding his arms. "Gabe, please. I'm seriously asking you to let it go."

"Well you're too nice!" Gabe said loudly, suddenly, and it caught Cas off guard. "I'm tired of people taking advantage of you and you just letting them. I want to know what this reason was that's apparently so valid it justifies dumping you for no reason without any fucking explanation!"

Cas was quiet, opting to retrieve a cigarette from his pack and lighting it. He rolled down the window and took a drag. "There was something that needed to be addressed before our relationship could continue," he said mechanically. "Due to his own issues, he didn't feel ready to address it, so he cut and run. And then he felt like shit about it so he apologized. End of story."

"End of story? Apologizing doesn't take back what he did, or the three months you were a miserable, drunk mess." Cas winced; so maybe he'd kind of overdone it on the drinking. "If he cared about you so much, what the fuck was such a big deal he'd rather break up than just talk about it?"

Cas glared at him. "You just don't know when to quit, do you?"

"You know I don't."

Cas sighed and took another drag off of his cigarette. "Years ago he was pretty solidly overweight. After he lost it, he had skin removal surgery. He's got some scarring. He didn't want me to find out."

Gabe was quiet for a moment, eyebrows pressed together, before, "That's it?"

"Yes."

"But... why would he think you'd care? I mean..."

"Yes, Gabe, I know."

"Sorry," he said sheepishly.

"You don't have to be. I don't care. Anyway, he was bigger than I am, even now, so... I dunno. I guess it fucked him up."

"Like... how big?"

"Does it matter?"

"I guess not... I still don't think that's a good reason for what he did, though."

Cas shrugged lightly, flicking the ash off of his cigarette and out the window. "You don't have to. It's my decision, and I'm asking you to please give him another chance."

Gabe took a deep breath. "Okay."

"...Really?"

"Yeah. I'll trust your judgement."

Cas was shocked into silence, so he smoked his cigarette and stared out the window as Gabe merged onto the highway. "There might've been something else," he said finally.

Gabe smacked the steering wheel. "I fucking knew it."

Cas rolled his eyes. "My eating habits were kind of... rubbing off on him. I guess he'd put on weight again, and I think he thought saying something would hurt my feelings."

Gabe quickly shot him a skeptical look before returning his eyes to the road. "Oh, but breaking up with you wouldn't?"

Cas opened his mouth and snapped it shut again, unsure of how to dispute that. Finally he settled on, "He feels pretty fucking bad about it, I can tell."

"Well he should."

"Well he does," Cas snapped. "So let it go."

"Fine, christ. You're the one who brought it up again." Cas didn't respond, so Gabe gestured towards the glove compartment. "Pack a bowl."

Cas popped the glove box open and retrieved Gabe's glass pipe and a baggie with about a gram in it. "I don't know why you insist on smoking bowls while you drive," he said, breaking the bud up into the head of the bowl.

"Not everyone likes smoking joints all the time."

"Yeah, well, that's why you have a UPM and I don't."

"Fuck you."

Cas smiled as he shoved the baggie back under some papers in Gabe's glove box. Checking the side mirrors to make sure no one was coming up too closely behind them, he brought the pipe up to his lips and and took a large hit. He then passed it to Gabe, who held the steering wheel in place with his knee while he did the same.

"So," Gabe said after a few minutes of smoking, "What do you plan on doing about fucking up his eating habits?"

"After today I'm not going to eat crap in front of him anymore," Cas answered simply. It was weird, but for some reason he found himself not wanting to mention to anyone that he himself was going to be eating better. Maybe because he was pretty sure he was going to fail, and he didn't want everyone to know he'd failed. It was a lot easier to pretend he wasn't trying. If he lost weight, great. If he didn't, no one but Dean would know that he was a failure.

"After today?"

"Well... yeah. What the hell else is at the faire besides crap?"

Gabe pondered that for a minute. "Pickles."

Cas scoffed. "Right, because we're totally going to spend the day at the faire and eat nothing but three dollar pickles. I can get an entire jar at the store for three dollars."

Gabe nodded. "True, true. Buuuut... they're not served cold out of a barrel by a sweaty guy wearing tights."

Cas smiled, blowing out the last hit of their second bowlpack. "I would argue that that's a good thing," he said through a cough.

Gabe dissolved into a fit of stoned laughter, and Cas followed suit, feeling genuinely happy for the first time in a long time.

---

I used to think maybe you loved me
now I know that it's true
And I don't want to spend my whole life
just a-waiting for you
Now I don't want you back for the weekend
Not back for a day, no no no
I said baby I just want you back
And I want you to stay

I'm walking on sunshine

A pounding on the door caused Charlie to stop mid-dance. She padded over to the radio and turned it down before opening the front door for Dean.

Dean slipped in and closed the door behind him with a heavy thud. "I thought you were getting ready?" he asked.

"I am!" she said quickly, holding up the hairbrush she'd been using as a microphone. She ran it through her hair in one long stroke, scalp to ends, and it didn't snag once. She smiled. "See?"

Dean rolled his eyes. "Put some pants on, woman."

"Yeah, yeah," she muttered. She disappeared into her bedroom and Dean followed her, leaning on the door frame as she pulled on a pair of jeans.

"Not dressing up this time?"

She shot him an unamused frown. "Uh, no, because it's going to be like two by the time we get there, and it's kind of hot, and, oh- I already dressed up on opening day!"

Dean looked away. "Yeah... I'm sorry I didn't go."

"Me too," she said, plopping down on the edge of her bed and pulling on some socks. She stood up again and raised one eyebrow, hands on her hips. "Why are we going all of a sudden, anyway? You finally out of your funk?"

Dean shrugged, trying not to smile.

"What the fuck is that face," Charlie said flatly.

Dean exhaled in a laugh and finally smiled at her. "Guess who we're meeting there?"

Charlie stared at him for a moment, trying to think of what could actually cheer Dean up after months of moping. "Benny? Are you guys fucking again?"

Dean frowned slightly. "Uh... no."

"I have no idea," she admitted.

Dean rolled his eyes. "Cas! Jesus."

Charlie's eyes lit up and she actually bounced in place. "Oh my god, really?" Her face fell and she froze. "Are you serious?"

Dean met her eyes and nodded, a small smile on his lips. "Yeah. I told him everything." He cleared his throat and averted his eyes. "Maybe, uh, too much. But he didn't run off, so."

"Yay!" she squealed, jumping forward and throwing her arms around him. "Oh thank god," she said into his chest. She leaned back and let go of him, raising one hand to pat his chest. "I'm proud of you. Told you seeing Missouri would help."

"Uh, yeah," he mumbled. "I actually still didn't really approach him... He, um..." He sighed. "I got to Bobby's one morning early this week and his car was there, a little smashed up. Guess he hit a deer. Took me almost all week to get it done-"

"No wonder you were MIA all week."

"Yeah, was pretty busy. Fixin' his car and thinkin'." He paused. "Anyway... when he came in to pick it up I asked him if he'd let me explain. He came over and I told him everything."

"Aw," Charlie said, giving him a smile before looking away to locate her sneakers. "That's good." She found her sneakers and slipped one foot in.

"Yeah," Dean agreed. "He moved in with me," he added suddenly.

Charlie looked up from where she was knelt down tying her shoes. "What? Already?"

Dean swallowed and nodded. "I don't want to be away from him, Charlie... even for like five seconds," he said shakily.

Charlie stood up and met his eyes. "Oh my god... you love him, don't you?"

Dean held her gaze and nodded again. "Yeah," he confirmed, and this time, his voice didn't shake. "I do."

---

Cas: Hey, we're here.

Dean: hi cas! it's charlie! deans driving, we are still like 20 mins away sorry :(

Cas: Hi Charlie :) It's okay, we'll wait by the entrance.

Dean: OK ill txt you when we're there. i am so happy to see you! im so glad dean pulled his head out of his ass

Cas: Lol... Me too.

Cas sighed and pocketed his phone. "They're still twenty minutes away. I'm going to walk over there a bit and smoke a cigarette before we go inside."

Gabe nodded and followed him away from the entrance and along the edge of the road, until they were a decent distance from any other guests standing near the entrance. Cas lit a cigarette and took slow, even pulls as he stared at the trees across the street.

"So you moved out of your moms?" Gabe said. Cas nodded. "That's... big."

"Yeah," Cas agreed. "About fucking time."

"Yeah," Gabe said awkwardly. "How did that go?"

"About as well as you'd imagine," Cas responded flatly.

"...I'm guessing you don't want to talk about it."

"You'd be correct."

"Well I'm glad, either way."

Cas' shoulders sagged as a ton of tension he hadn't realized he'd been holding melted away. "Me too."

"What's Dean's house like?"

He was clearly just trying to make conversation, but Cas appreciated it. "It's nice. Not too big. Two bedrooms and a bathroom. Nice backyard." He shrugged. "Normal house."

"Is he expecting you to pay half the mortgage, or what?"

Cas chewed on his bottom lip. "We haven't really discussed it."

Gabe frowned, and Cas could feel him staring at the side of his face. "You agreed to move in without knowing how much it would cost?"

Cas turned his head and narrowed his eyes at him. "To be honest, I don't care. I'll give him everything I have to be with him and away from my mother." He paused, looking out across the street at the cars slowly filling the ten-dollar VIP lot. "These past few months were horrible. She was worse than ever before. She almost killed Roger."

"What?" Gabe exclaimed.

"Yeah. I was trying to cook and she came into the kitchen really drunk. She tried to grab the pot of boiling water off the stove, and I didn't want her to burn herself, so I tried to stop her. She actually physically fought me over it, while Roger was on my shoulder, and he fell off and was like one second away from falling into the fucking pot." He sighed. "If I didn't catch him... that would've been it."

"Jesus christ, dude."

"Yeah. I know." He took a long drag off of his cigarette. "I was at the point where once Roger passed I wasn't going to get any more rats. I was going to leave, even if I had to be homeless." He paused. "He's already three, you know."

"I know."

They passed the remaining time discussing what they wanted to see at the faire, until Cas spotted Charlie's bright red hair a few yards past the opposite end of the entrance. He tossed the butt of his second cigarette on the ground and stomped it out before brushing past Gabe. "C'mon."

They met up right in front of the entrance, and both pairs stopped directly in front of each other.

"Hi," Dean said stupidly, smiling at Cas.

"Hi," Cas said back.

"Oh, god," Gabe groaned, rolling his eyes and throwing his head back. "You two are the absolute worst."

Cas frowned. "Charlie, this is Gabe. Gabe, Charlie."

Gabe gave Charlie his most charming smile. "Well good day, m'lady," he crooned.

Charlie snorted a laugh. "You're lucky we're at the faire. Only time that's acceptable."

Gabe winked at Dean and Cas as he and Charlie turned and headed towards the ticket booth.

"Um... isn't Charlie gay?" Cas asked.

Dean laughed as they began to follow them. "Yes."

"I thought Gabe had better gaydar than that."

"It might be better than you think." At Cas' confused look, he explained, "She's hooked up with guys on occasion. Don't let her fool you." Cas was quiet, processing that, and then Dean asked, "You've never done anything with a girl? Even just out of curiosity? Boredom?"

"Nope. I don't find them attractive, at all, so I've never had the desire to."

"If I'm being honest... I kind of figured with all the anti-gay stuff you had to deal with that you would've at least tried it."

"What? Why?"

Dean shrugged. "I dunno. To see if it was good enough to at least pretend to be straight for." Cas looked almost offended, and Dean scrambled to explain himself. "Just to get everybody off your back. I did something sort of similar," he said quickly. "I liked guys first. Girls seemed alright but they weren't what really, um, excited me. My parents had no idea, so once I, uh, got out there, I wanted to meet a girl. I did, and we got along. She was nice and I really did like her, and it's not like I didn't find her attractive, so I figured I could just avoid admitting I liked guys forever if I ended up with her."

Cas glanced behind them to make sure the people behind them weren't close enough to hear their conversation. They were a few feet away, engrossed in their own conversation, and the crowds around them were loud as well. At the entrance, a man in a costume was yelling and ringing a bell. He turned back to Dean. "...So what happened?"

Dean lowered his eyes. "Um..." He glanced over and saw that Charlie and Gabe were next in line. "I'll tell you later, alright?"

Cas nodded and Dean stepped forward, poking his head between Gabe and Charlie. "I got the tickets."

Gabe leaned back to look him in the eye, raising one eyebrow. "What? Why?"

Dean shrugged. "Because I invited y'all out last minute. So, use that money for something inside I guess."

Gabe's eyes flicked over to Cas, standing behind Dean, and Cas nodded rapidly. Gabe met Dean's eyes again. "Uh, okay. Thanks."

"Don't mention it," Dean mumbled, placing a one-hundred dollar bill on the counter and sliding it under the plexiglass. "Four, please." The woman behind the glass slid four tickets across the counter, and Dean swiped them up, plucking one out of the pile and handing it to Gabe. "Seriously, don't mention it." Charlie swiped hers out of his hand and skipped off towards the entrance, and Dean took the last extra ticket and handed it to Cas.

"Thank you, Dean."

Dean only nodded, and together they followed Gabe to the entrance. Charlie was standing inside the gates already, and as soon as they stepped through, a man dressed in costume held up a basket of flyers. "Maps, two dollars!"

Dean held up one hand in polite refusal. He and Charlie had been there enough times over the years to know where most everything was. Immediately on their left was a food stand, and Dean nodded towards it. "Drink?" Cas nodded. "That hike over here from the free lot was pretty crazy, huh?"

"Yeah," Cas huffed. "That was bullshit."

"What do you want?" Dean asked as they got in line.

Cas squinted at the menu. "Soda?"

Dean nodded, and when they got to the counter, he ordered a lemonade and a Coke. Cas tried to give him money, but Dean refused.

"Dean, these were three dollars each."

"So? Don't worry about it."

Charlie and Gabe got drinks as well, and then they headed down the path towards the shops. The trail split, and they veered towards the right. They walked for a while, sipping on their drinks and observing the staff interact with the crowd. Dean watched Cas for a while as his eyes darted all over the place, taking in everything he possibly could.

"You've been here before," Dean asked, "Right?"

"Yes. But it was probably about six years ago now."

"Oh, wow," Charlie said. "Dean and I come every year. Sometimes multiple times. Well, I always come multiple times. Dean sometimes. He didn't come at all yet this year until... today..." She trailed off as she realized how what she'd just said sounded.

"What's all this talk about coming?" Gabe asked.

"Ugh, please stop," Dean groaned as Charlie giggled. "We can stop at any place you want," he said to Cas. "We have a coupla hours, look around."

Cas nodded, but they didn't stop until they passed a pewter shop. Cas leaned forward and peered into the first display case, looking at all of the little pewter figurines. Dean came up next to him and looked in, too. "That one's cute," Dean said, pointing to a fox on the second shelf. It was crouched down on all fours, slinking across the surface of the glass.

"Yeah," Cas agreed. "It is."

"Hello, m'lordes," a woman's voice sang. "How can I help thou on this fine day?"

Dean smiled. As many times as he'd gone to the Ren Fest, the first half hour or so he was always caught off guard by the language and the accent. He certainly had to give props to the staff for staying in character; acting was no joke, and it was all improv at an event like this. "Hi, how are you?"

The woman behind the counter, a brunette in her mid-twenties dressed in a tight corset that didn't leave much to the imagination, smiled brightly. "I'm just fine, thank you."

"How much is the fox?" Cas asked.

"Oh, the sly fox I believe is twenty," she said, sliding open the back door to the display case. She picked him up and flipped him over, reading the little price tag on his belly.

Dean turned to Cas. "Do you want it?"

Cas looked back at the woman, and she held the fox out for him to take a better look. He took it from her and held it up closer to his face. The metal held a lot more detail than he could see before- lines to denote the change in fur color, gentle strokes in the direction of the fur growth, little claws on it's toes. He looked back at Dean, who was watching him closely, and nodded.

Dean looked back over the case at the woman. "We'll take it."

"Wouldst thou like a bag, or a box?"

"Um, box, please," Cas answered. She bent down to get a box from underneath the counter, then took the fox from Cas. She placed it in the box, tying it with a ribbon and handing it back to him. Dean handed her a twenty, and she smiled widely. "Thank you, good sir!"

Cas looked down at the box in his hands as they left the little shop. Gabe and Charlie were having their own conversation out on the path as they waited, and they began walking again as soon as they noticed Dean and Cas coming up behind them. Dean threw the arm holding Cas' drink around his shoulder, pulling him up against his side as he took a sip of his lemonade.

Cas looked up at him as they stumbled behind Charlie and Gabe. "Thank you."

"You're welcome, Cas. You get whatever you want today."

"Are you sure? The stuff here seems expensive."

"I'm sure, Cas. Let me spend some of my money. It's no good unless you spend it."

Cas nodded. "It's hard to walk like this."

"Yeah," Dean agreed, releasing Cas' shoulders. "Want your drink?"

"Yes, please." Cas took the cup from Dean, chugging the last quarter of it and dropping it into a garbage bin as they passed.

They walked around for another hour, and then they found themselves in the center of all of the food stands.

"I'm starving," Gabe announced. "Lunch?"

Charlie agreed, so they all got in line.

"What do you want, Cas?" Dean asked as they sidled up behind Charlie and Gabe.

"Uh..." Cas peered across the line at the menus hanging inside the walls of the stands. "Well... what do you want? Because I kind of want two things, so if you want the same things maybe we can split them?"

"Sure," Dean answered, still peering at the menus. "What do you want?"

"The turkey leg and the onion blossom?"

Dean gave him an odd look. "You don't sound sure."

"Well... is that what you want?"

"Yes, if it's what you want."

Cas nodded. "Yes."

"Okay. Then that's what we'll get."

They got their (quite expensive) food, and after three minutes of wandering around, found an available table.

"After this, I want to stop in the leather shop," Charlie said, twisting in her seat to look behind her. "And then I want to see a show."

"Which one?" Dean asked, ripping off a few pieces of the fried onion and dunking them into a cup of ketchup.

"We've seen them all so many times, we should pick one Cas will like."

Cas set down his cup of beer and licked his lips. "Oh, I don't... I don't care. I'm sure they're all good."

"For the most part, yes," Charlie said, dipping a fry into Dean's ketchup. Next to her, Gabe sipped on a root beer float and demolished a cheeseburger. "We should go to that adults-only one." Dean nodded as Charlie checked the time on her phone. "It starts in forty-five minutes."

They made small talk for a few minutes, and then Cas held the remainder of the turkey leg out to Dean.

"Aw, you actually saved me some of the skin," he commented, sliding his plate with the onion blossom over to Cas.

"Why wouldn't I?" Cas asked.

Dean shrugged. "I dunno. 'Cause it's the best part?"

"So give it back then."

"What? No, too late now," Dean said, moving the turkey leg away from Cas and pointing behind him. "Hey, look, a dog." As soon as Cas turned his head, he took a huge bite out of the turkey leg.

Cas turned around to see a greyhound, dressed head to tail in medieval garb, by the entrance to one of the shops. Next to it, it's owner was also dressed in costume, talking to someone in street clothes.

"Does that person, like, work here, or something?" Gabe asked. "I didn't think they allowed dogs in here."

"They're drinking a beer, so I'm going to say no," Cas said. "It's probably a service dog."

"Oh, yeah, I saw them here on opening day," Charlie commented. "It's definitely a service dog. Her name is Perdita."

"Who's name?" Gabe asked.

Charlie rolled her eyes. "The dog."

"But... Perdita was a dalmatian."

Charlie shrugged. "So? And Gabriel was an angel, not a human."

Gabe gave her a sly smile, waggling his eyebrows. "Pretty sure Charlie was an angel, too."

"TV doesn't count."

"But... 101 Dalmatians was TV..."

"What the hell are you two talking about?" Dean asked.

Charlie took the opportunity to change the subject. She eyed the nearly finished turkey leg in Dean's hand. "It's been a long time since I've seen you eat this much greasy crap in one sitting. You usually eat like a bird."

Dean regretted even opening his mouth. He should've just let them continue arguing about dalmatians and Charlie's Angels. "Uh... so?"

"I'm just surprised you still can," she said with a shrug. "You aren't feeling sick?"

Dean frowned and narrowed his eyes. "Well, I'm pretty sweaty, does that answer your question?"

Gabe glanced over at Cas, who shook his head in a plea for him to remain silent.

"It's like eighty out here, of course-" Charlie started.

"Hey, Dean," Gabe said quickly, and Cas dropped his face into his hand, stifling a groan. "Cas told me. It's cool. Uh, good on you, y'know? I probably wouldn't have been able to do it. I have absolutely zero self-control," he said, trailing off into a nervous laugh.

"Uh, yeah... thanks," Dean mumbled. He glared at Charlie. "But I'd still appreciate it if Charlie could ever have a fucking filter."

"I'm sorry," she grumbled. "I forget. It's been forever since we've hung out with someone who doesn't know. Besides, y'know, Cas. Before you told him."

"I just don't see why it even has to constantly be brought up," Dean insisted.

Over the top of his cup of beer, Cas met Gabe's eyes. Sorry, Gabe mouthed.

"Because I can't remember the last time you ate a bunch of fried food! So I was just asking!" She crossed her arms and looked away. "Jeez."

"I'm pretty sure it was last summer when we went to the beach and you convinced me to split an order of mozzarella sticks on the boardwalk and then you ate like one and left me with the rest. And obviously I wasn't going to throw them away."

"Well, yeah," Charlie agreed. "And you got sick."

"I know."

Gabe's eyes moved between the two of them. "I'm confused... are you two still arguing?" he asked carefully.

"No," they answered in unison.

"I'm guessing you two have been friends for a long time?" he observed.

"Twenty years," Charlie answered. "It seems like a long time, but..."

Dean laughed. "Uh, no, it is a long time."

Charlie smiled. "You're right." She reached out and patted his arm. "But it flew by, bestie."

Dean scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Can we finish eating now so we can go to the leather shop?"

They finished eating, Cas chugged the last of his beer, and they stood up and cleared all of their garbage from the table. At the leather shop, Charlie went to look at the bags while Gabe checked out the wallets. On the other side of the small store, Dean and Cas slid into the cramped pelt aisle.

"You wanna pelt, Cas?" Dean asked, running his fingers through a raccoon's soft fur. "You like foxes, right?" He pointed right behind Cas' head.

Cas turned to see the bright orange fur of a red fox hanging right in his face. "Uh... yeah. But I don't know if I want to kill one."

"It's already dead."

"Well, yeah, but..."

"You eat meat," Dean stated.

Cas met his eyes. "It's... different."

Dean raised one eyebrow. "Is it? You know meat isn't necessary, right?"

"I... never really thought about it," Cas admitted. "Wait- you eat meat."

Dean nodded. "And I'm also offering to buy you a pelt."

Cas swallowed and looked around at all of the furs. "Uh... okay. Maybe just a tail."

"What kind of fox?"

Cas glanced around at a bunch of fluffy black tails with white tips. "I see a lot of silver fox... do they have red?"

"I think the black ones would suit you better, but..." They flipped through the racks for a few minutes until Dean pulled one out and held it up. "How's this one?"

Cas took it and held it in his hands. It was long and fluffy; full and soft with no thin spots, and the fur was a deep orange, with black along the edges and a full white tip. "It's... perfect."

Dean paid for it and they waited outside for Charlie and Gabe. The tail had come with a clip, and as Cas began to clip it to the belt loop on his left hip, Dean stopped him. "Put it back here," he said, pushing Cas' shirt up a bit and clipping it to the center belt loop.

"Why?"

"Because then it looks like a real tail, duh." After he attached the tail, he pulled his hand away, sliding it along Cas' ass cheek in the same movement. "And it accentuates your ass."

Cas laughed and flashed him a gummy smile. "Okay."

Charlie came out empty-handed, and Gabe followed behind her with a plastic bag in hand. "Nice tail, Cassie. Really accentuates your ass."

"That's exactly what I said!" Dean exclaimed. "But hey- only I can say that."

"Please, Dean-O," Gabe said, rolling his eyes. "I hope you know I'm of absolutely no threat to you. I'm not gay."

"Fine," he said, putting his arm around Cas' shoulder. "As long as the comments about my boyfriend's ass are platonic, we're good."

After the show and some more walking around, they decided to check out the jousting. They took a seat in the arena, and Dean spent most of the time watching Cas admire the horses.

"Look how shiny the black one's coat is," he said, pointing down at one of the black horses.

Dean nodded. He then noticed Cas' cup was empty. "Do you want another beer?"

Cas looked down into the cup. "Uh... wasn't that my third?"

Dean nodded again. "So? Do you want another?"

"Sure."

As soon as Dean stood up, Gabe popped up, too. "I'll come with you." He didn't say anything until they got on line at the nearest food stand. "So..." he said, crossing his arms. "Back with Cas."

Dean had known this was coming. "Yeah... about that," he mumbled, rubbing at the back of his neck. "I know I fucked up. I appreciate you not giving me a hard time, even though I deserve it."

"I certainly wanted to," Gabe grumbled. He glanced over at the stands, where they could see Cas sitting with Charlie, and uncrossed his arms. "But Cas asked me not to. Demanded it, actually." He sighed and looked at Dean again. "You do make the kid happy."

"You keep calling him kid. Why? He's older than you."

Gabe was quiet for a moment, staring off towards the arena. "Because he's got this... I dunno, child-like innocence. Actually... maybe innocence isn't the word. Something..." He twisted his hand on his wrist in a gesture that did nothing to explain what he meant. "Child-like."

Dean stared at him for a moment, waiting for him to elaborate further, but he didn't. "...Are you calling him slow?"

"What?" Gabe looked surprised. "No. Never mind, you clearly don't get it."

"Help me understand."

Gabe sighed. "Despite all the shit he's been through, he still sees the best in people. He gives second chances. Most people get hurt once or twice, they immediately see the bad in people first. He hasn't allowed himself to become bitter."

"Oh."

"But that means he keeps getting hurt," Gabe continued. "So sometimes he needs someone to make sure others don't take advantage of him. Do you understand me?"

"I'd never take advantage of Cas," Dean assured him. "For what, anyway? What does he have that I would want?"

Gabe shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe you're a lonely fuck and Cas is the first person who's ever paid you any attention and you're just clinging onto it until the next best thing comes along? Who knows! I don't, because I don't know you. Not really, at least."

"Uh, okay," Dean said quietly, looking away. "I'm not that, though, so..." Was he?

Gabe crossed his arms. "Well, I don't know that. I met you a few times over three months and then you dump Cas suddenly and without reason. What am I supposed to think?"

Dean nodded. "I understand."

Gabe eyed him up and down. "Good. So don't be a dick again and we won't have any problems."

"Okay."

When they got to the counter, Dean ordered a beer, a soda, and an order of onion rings to split with Cas.

"So, uh, what does Charlie like?" Gabe asked.

"Girls," Dean answered.

Gabe frowned. "I meant to eat, dumbass."

Dean smiled. "Uh..."

Gabe chuckled and shook his head. "I get it." He waved his hand towards the food stand. "What that I could get from here though?"

"Charlie doesn't eat much. I think she filled up at lunch. But she'd probably like a frozen lemonade." He grabbed his drinks and stepped aside as Gabe ordered a frozen lemonade and a soda. As they walked back to the seats, they could see Charlie and Cas looking at them and talking.

"They're talking about us," Dean said.

Beside him, Gabe laughed. "They're talking about you."

---

"So, are you abandoning me, Cas?" Gabe asked as they walked out the exit, swinging his keyring on his finger. Behind him, Cas lit a cigarette. "Do I have to make the hour drive home alone?"

"I'll ride back with you," Charlie offered. "Since Dean and Cas are going to the same place and all," she said, smiling at Dean.

"Cool," Dean said. "You guys do that. Works for us."

"Aw, shit," Cas said suddenly. "We have to walk all the way back to the car."

Dean laughed. "Yeah, we do. At least it's downhill this time though. And a lot cooler out."

"I'm pretty sure I was close to having a heart attack on the way up."

"Yeah, Cas doesn't get out much," Gabe teased.

"Fuck off," Cas muttered. "You're just as lazy as I am."

It took them fifteen minutes to trek back to the lot, and because Gabe and Cas had arrived earlier, Gabe's car was closer. Dean and Charlie hugged goodbye, and as Charlie gave Cas a hug as well, Gabe stuck his hand out for a hand shake.

Dean shook it and he and Cas headed off towards the Impala. As Dean unlocked the doors, Cas reached behind him to un-clip the tail. He didn't want to mess up the fur or break it by sitting on it in the car. He set it in the backseat, with the box from the pewter shop, and sat down in the front. He lit a cigarette and rolled down the window as Dean turned on the A/C.

"Thank you for today," Cas said as they pulled out onto the main road.

"You're welcome. Did you have fun?"

"Yes," Cas said, sinking back into the seat. The car was quickly becoming more comfortable as the A/C began working, and he was full and buzzed. "And now we get to go home together," he added, as if he couldn't believe it.

Dean chuckled. "Nice, right?"

"Yes."

The sun began to set as they drove down the highway, and Dean turned off the A/C and opened the window. Cas looked over at him.

"I just need some air," Dean said quietly. Cas nodded and they continued driving, and as they got off the highway, Dean left the window open, but turned the A/C back on. Cas noticed he seemed uncomfortable, shifting in his seat a lot.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm not feelin' so great," Dean admitted.

"I'm sorry," Cas said.

Suddenly Dean veered across the road to pull over on the opposite shoulder. He hastily threw it in park, put his hazards on, and flung the door open, vomiting into the grass.

"Holy shit," Cas said, leaning forward to try to see him. "Are you okay?"

"No," Dean groaned. "Too much fried food and soda, and not enough water... on top of... walking around in the sun all day." He stayed hunched over for another minute or two, before deciding he was done and leaning back into the seat. "I knew we shouldn't have gotten those funnel cakes on the way out."

"Yeah," Cas agreed. "They were good though."

"Yeah, they were." He closed the door and merged back into traffic, and they were quiet for the short remainder of the drive home. As they walked into the house, Floyd was excited to see them, smelling their pants and shoes and bumping his face into Cas' hand.

"Do you want me to take Floyd out while you take a shower?" Cas offered.

"That would be awesome," Dean sighed, and he sounded really tired. "Thank you." He disappeared down the hallway and Floyd looked up at Cas.

"C'mon, I'm going to take you outside." Floyd followed him outside onto the patio. Cas flopped back into one of the patio chairs and lit a cigarette, taking slow drags and watching the smoke disappear from the tip. Floyd did all of his business, and then came back to lie next to Cas on the patio. Cas let his arm hang over the armrest, slowly scratching Floyd's head, as he finished his cigarette and watched night finally overtake day.

"Your daddy is really nice," Cas said. "I don't think I deserve it."

As if on cue, Godzilla began playing from his pocket again. This time, instead of scrambling to hit ignore, he just let it play out until it went to voicemail. He could listen to it, and the four others she'd left throughout the day, tomorrow. He'd let her ruin tomorrow, but not today.

Or maybe he wouldn't let her ruin tomorrow, either. Maybe he would just delete them all.

He snuffed the butt of his cigarette out in the ashtray and stood up. Floyd jumped up as well, following him to the door and inside. He trotted across the kitchen and sat down next to his food bowl.

Cas walked down the hallway to the bathroom and knocked on the door. He could hear the shower running. "Do you want me to feed Floyd?" he yelled through the door.

"Sure!"

Cas went back out to the kitchen and over to Floyd. He popped open the plastic food container and used the glass measuring cup inside to measure out two cups of kibble. Floyd waited patiently as Cas poured it into his bowl, and as soon as Cas lifted the cup back up, he dove in. Cas tossed it back into the container and closed the lid just as he heard the bathroom door open.

"All yours!" Dean called from down the hall.

Cas was in and out of the shower as quickly as possible. Dean had work in the morning, and he wanted to at least be able to spend some alone time with him before they had to go to bed. He re-entered the living room in pajamas- a soft, fuzzy pair of bottoms with bones and pawprints Dean had bought him at Wal-Mart, and a plain black tee shirt.

Dean was on the couch, feet on the coffee table and hand resting on his stomach, leaning back into the cushions. The TV was on, barely illuminating the living room. "Did he shit?"

Cas stopped dead in his tracks. "Did who shit?"

Dean laughed. "Floyd."

"Oh, yeah... duh. Uh, yes. He did."

Dean sighed. "Good. He can wait to go out again then."

Cas nodded and lowered himself onto the couch. "Are you feeling better?"

Dean lowered his hand. "A little."

Cas shifted in his seat, leaning over and lying his head on Dean's chest. He draped his right arm across his waist, and Dean pulled his arm out from between them to wrap it around Cas' shoulder.

"What are we watching?" Cas asked, placing his palm over Dean's stomach and beginning to gently rub in small circles.

"I dunno," Dean answered with a sigh. "That feels really good. I figured we could watch some Netflix."

"Do you want to smoke? It might help settle your stomach."

"Sure."

Cas retrieved his bag and rolling papers from the bedroom and rolled a joint. He lit it and passed it to Dean before resuming the same position they'd been in before. They put on Family Guy re-runs and passed it back and forth until it burned out.

"What are we going to do with the rest of that junk food you bought?"

Dean shrugged. "Doesn't Gabe like junk food? Give it to him. He's blessed with a fast metabolism."

"Yes," Cas agreed, "He is."

"But I was gonna make you burgers later."

"It's already getting late, and you're not feeling good. Don't worry about it. I'm more than happy to eat some of the other crap you bought."

Dean smiled and chuckled, and Cas could tell he was very high. "Okay. Good. Youuuu... should go get the ice cream."

Cas sat up. "You bought ice cream?"

"Yep. Rocky Road, 'cause it's your favorite."

Cas leaned forward and planted a kiss on his mouth. "You're way too good to me." He jumped off the couch and headed towards the kitchen. "What did I do to deserve this?"

Dean's laughter followed him from the couch. "It's just ice cream, Cas. But... I dunno. Putting up with my shit. Forgiving me for being an asshole." Cas rounded the corner of the couch again, ice cream container and two spoons in hand. "Being cute."

Cas scoffed a laugh. "Whatever you say, space cadet."

"You can't call me that. You're up here with me, too, so..."

"Uh, no," Cas said, popping open the container of ice cream and tossing the lid onto the coffee table. "You're clearly on another planet."

Dean took the spoon Cas was holding out. "Maybe." He dug it into the ice cream, and they ate in silence for a good three minutes before Cas cleared his throat.

"I thought you had a stomach ache."

Dean swallowed down his most recent bite of ice cream. "I do."

"So... maybe slow down on the ice cream?" Cas offered. Dean shrugged. "So... are you going to tell me what happened with that girl? You know, since Gabe told you about my ex without my permission."

Dean sighed, then stabbed the spoon into the ice cream and left it there. "I guess. She, uh..." He sighed again. "I really don't want to get into this whole long story or anything, but basically, I was with her for two years when she found out that I also like guys, and... she didn't take it that well. I hadn't exactly been hiding it from her or anything, it just hadn't come up, until she started talking shit about her best friend's boyfriend who left her for another guy or something like that. She was shit-talking this guy with a lot of, um... emphasis on his sexuality. Like he only cheated on her and left her because he was bi and couldn't pick one gender or some shit. Had nothing to do with the fact that he was just an asshole. It really pissed me off, and at first she got pissed at me for defending him, until she realized I wasn't defending him, I was just pissed at what she was saying. So then she asked me if I was bi, and I said yes.

"We got into this huge argument about it, and I assured her that I wasn't going anywhere. I also might have pointed out that I could just as easily cheat with another woman as another man, which I thought made sense, but... it just pissed her off even more." He shrugged. "Anyway the argument ended eventually, and she said it was fine, it was just 'a lot to process', but I could tell she didn't look at me the same way anymore." He sighed. "Like three weeks later she sent me a text while I was at work saying that she was sorry, but it wasn't working out, and we shouldn't see each other anymore, blah, blah." He reached out and took the spoon out of the ice cream again, shoving it into his mouth.

"...Wow," Cas said finally. "What a bitch."

Dean laughed bitterly. "Yeah. Except the fucked up part is, she was actually really great. Just... ignorant, I guess."

"I'm sorry."

Dean shrugged. "Don't be. Otherwise I wouldn't be able to be with you."

"Polygamy is a thing."

Dean scoffed. "Yeah, because she totally would've shared me... with another man, no less."

"I didn't say she would've. Or that I even would've. I was just saying that it's a thing."

Dean stuck his spoon back into the ice cream container and sighed. "I should probably stop eating ice cream and go to bed."

Cas nodded and brought another spoonful to his mouth. "I agree."

Dean eyed Cas holding the ice cream container. "Are you coming? Or are you going to stay up and have some alone time with the ice cream?"

Cas looked down at what was left in the container. "Well, since I can't have any after tonight, I was going to finish it."

"Okay." Dean stood up and stretched, his back popping audibly. "Knock yourself out."

"I'll let Floyd out again if you want. I still need to feed Roger and change his water."

Dean glanced over at the dog bed, where Floyd was dead to the world. "If he goes to the door before you come to bed. Otherwise he's fine. Thanks."

Cas nodded. "I'll be in soon." Dean disappeared into the dark hallway and Cas was left thinking, Holy shit. Somebody is actually in bed waiting for me. In our bed. Where we live. Together. He looked down at the melting ice cream in his lap. Tomorrow he really needed to get his shit together; he couldn't allow himself to do anything to fuck this up.

---

When Dean woke up in the morning, he still felt queasy. He took some antacids and fed Floyd breakfast, and sipped on a cup of coffee as Floyd sniffed around the yard. He told himself tonight or tomorrow they would start their walks again. He skipped his own breakfast, instead taking a longer-than-usual hot shower, and got dressed quietly as to not wake Cas.

He received a text from Cas around ten.

Cas: Hi :)

He wiped his hands off the best he could on a rag and texted him back.

Dean: hey, howd you sleep? can't text a lot, hands in an engine

Cas: I slept well, thanks. I'm going to go to Gabe's for a little bit.

Dean: OK. bring him all of that food. i left you a note on the counter with what to make yourself for breakfast. if you want

Cas: Okay, thank you.

Cas tapped out of the conversation and opened Gabe's.

Cas: I'm sorry, I just woke up. I'll be there around 11.

Gabe: K

Cas quickly got dressed and brushed his teeth. Out in the kitchen, there was a note on the counter:

Cas,
Cook two eggs with 1/2 Tbsp of butter
One slice of toast with the other 1/2 Tbsp of butter
Drink a glass of water

I'm sorry it's boring but it's early and I can't think straight right now.
This is for later -
I'll make you something better when I get home
Promise

-Dean

An arrow was drawn to a stick of string cheese and a granola bar that was sitting on the counter, next to the note. Also on the counter was a spare key. Cas smiled to himself and grabbed a pan out of the cabinet. He cooked himself breakfast as Dean instructed, and he sat down at the table and ate it slowly. He'd known already from the meals he'd already had with Dean, but he was still amazed by how much fuller he felt when he actually sat at a table and not in a car to eat, taking his time and drinking water. He washed the dishes he'd made and let Floyd out to pee before grabbing his snacks and heading out the door.

He started the car and backed out of the driveway, and it felt weird being behind the wheel again after only driving once in the past week. But by the time he got to the end of the block, he was feeling a bit nauseous, and by the next one, his heart was pounding in his chest. He had no idea what was going on, but he felt like he was going to vomit, so he turned around and drove back to Dean's.

He put the car in park and stared through the windshield at Dean's garage door. He took a few deep breaths, and as his heart rate slowed, he realized he'd just had the beginnings of a panic attack. Fuck. He needed to drive to get to work, and he had to be back in three days. He took out his phone and texted Dean.

Cas: Hey, is it alright if Gabe just comes over and picks up the food? I'm not feeling that great...

Dean: course. i feel like crap too. we definitely overdid it yesterday lol

Cas sighed. That wasn't what he meant, but Dean could think that all he wanted. He wasn't about to tell him that he had a panic attack over driving.

Cas: Yeah. :\ Can Gabe come inside?

Dean: yes cas you can have guests over

Cas: Well I wasn't exactly sure how yesterday went. I know you guys talked alone shortly before we left.

Dean: we did. i gotta go tho, ill see you when i get home

Cas: Thanks for the key. *heart*

Dean: youre welcome :)

Cas texted Gabe next.

Cas: Can you come over here instead? I'm sorry.

Gabe: i guess. dean there?

Cas: He's at work.

Gabe: scandalous

Cas: Shut up. Please bring me liquor

Gabe: ur a fuckin alcoholic

Cas: No, I'm not.

Gabe: fine. give me an hour becuz now i have to get ready for work cuz im not coming over there then going back home then going to work so

Cas: Okay. I'm sorry.

Gabe: it's cool i'm just sayin. txt me the address

Cas grabbed the snacks Dean had given him from the passenger seat and went back into the house. He put the cheese stick back in the fridge for later and left the granola bar on the counter.

What the fuck was he going to do? He couldn't not drive. He hadn't even anticipated this being a problem- yeah, he'd been anxious following Dean home, and he'd basically just zoned out and followed the rear end of the Impala, but he figured that was just nerves because he had seen Dean and was going to his house again for the first time in three months. He hadn't really had the processing power to give it much more thought than that, he'd just tailgated Dean on auto-pilot.

Who the hell was scared to drive just because they hit a deer? People hit deer all the time! What was he going to tell Dean? Dean was going to think he was a total chicken-shit.

"Oh, no, they say he's got to go
go, go, Godzilla-"

Picking up would be a bad idea. He'd already responded to her twice that morning, and it was only fueling her. Ignoring her was clearly the right thing to do. But maybe he was just a glutton for punishment, or maybe he was just angry, because he picked up anyway.

"What?"

"How dare you ignore me! I am your mother! You wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for me-"

"Yeah, well," he cut her off, "Thanks for nothing. You should've done us both a favor and aborted my ass." He hung up on her and dropped his phone onto the couch, dropping his head into his hands with a heavy sigh. He needed a fucking cigarette.

He was still smoking on the front step when Gabe arrived. "You look sad," he announced as he exited the car. "Why are you sad?"

"I'm not sad," Cas grumbled.

"Could'a fooled me," Gabe said, approaching where Cas was sitting. He extended his arm and held out a brown paper bag.

"Thank you," Cas said, taking it and standing up. He turned around and opened the front door. "I have a bunch of food for you."

Gabe raised one eyebrow as he closed the front door behind them. "Food? For me?" He looked down as Floyd ran up on him and began sniffing his shoes. "Oh, hello."

"Yeah, a bunch of junk food. Just take it when you leave."

"Uh... okay." He looked around as Cas dropped himself down into the couch cushions. "Nice house."

"Yeah," Cas agreed distractedly as he cracked open the bottle. Gabe had gotten his favorite... such a good friend.

"So... is it weird? Living somewhere else now?"

Cas shrugged, swallowing down a gulp of whiskey. "Yeah."

"With someone you've known for three months."

Cas sighed and rolled his eyes. "Dean's a nice guy. And... I don't know, it feels like I've known him longer than that. It feels like I've known him forever."

Gabe rounded the corner of the couch and picked Cas' phone up off of the couch cushion. He set it down on the coffee table and sat down next to him. "Aw, how sweet."

"Can't you just be happy for me?" Cas snapped.

"I am," Gabe said quickly. "I'm just... also worried. A little. You don't seem so happy yourself."

Cas' shoulders sagged. "Because moving out of my parents' was supposed to solve all of my problems in one weekend, right?"

Gabe looked uncomfortable. "Well... I mean... it's not?"

Cas leaned back into the couch and stared down at the bottle in his hands, breathing out a heavy sigh. "I guess it should, right?"

"I don't know... I thought it would. You don't have to communicate with your mom anymore, like, at all, if you don't want to. She has no say in what you do. She can't shit-talk you anymore."

Cas took another sip from the bottle and replaced the cap. How was he supposed to explain to Gabe just how much emotional abuse effected someone? Especially when he'd never told him just how bad it was? It wasn't as simple as just getting away from it- not when it's something ingrained into a person for their entire twenty-seven years of existence. He may have only been away from the house for three days, but he already knew that this was something that was going to stick with him for a long time.

He couldn't explain it, really. At least not without getting into some huge emotional discussion that he really didn't want to get into right now, and especially not with Gabe. "I guess."

"You know your phone's been going off for the last five minutes, right?"

Cas nodded slowly. "That would be my mother." He set the bottle of liquor down on the coffee table, next to his buzzing phone, and stood up. "Would you like to smoke?"

"Sure. Can I get some of that junk food you mentioned?"

When Cas returned from the bedroom with the last of his bag and a glass pipe, he set them down on the table and went into the kitchen. "What do you want? There's Doritos, Oreos, Zebra cakes-"

"Doritos!" Gabe exclaimed. Cas grabbed the bag and dropped it in Gabe's lap on his way back to his seat. He packed the bowl, and as he took the first hit, Gabe held out the now-open bag of Doritos.

Cas shook his head. "I'm good, thanks."

Gabe shrugged. "Don't thank me. It's your food." He paused. "Why are you giving me all of this, anyway?"

"So that there isn't any junk food in the house."

"I'm confused... why does Dean even have all of this stuff?" Before Cas could come up with an answer, he continued with a smirk, "Was he so broken up about what he did that he fell off the wagon?"

Cas held the bowl out to him. "You're an asshole."

"Legitimate question!" Gabe defended, taking the bowl from him."Even Charlie seemed kind of shocked yesterday."

Cas sighed. "Ugh, no. I told him I would make an effort to eat better, after the weekend. So he'd gotten some stuff at the store, but... weekend's over, so it has to go."

Gabe took a long pull off the pipe. "Uh, okay. Well, either way," he exhaled, filling the space between them with smoke, "I'm happy to take free food."

---

Dean felt much better by the end of the work day. He said goodbye to Bobby, who's face was buried in a manual in his office, and Jo, who was counting the cash in the register, and headed out. As he pulled out of the parking lot, he felt something light and happy kick up in his stomach at the realization that Cas was waiting for him at home. He briefly had the idea to pick up a pizza on the way back, but he had to remind himself that things weren't going to be like that anymore.

That was okay though. Teaching Cas to cook and doing it together would be way more fun anyway; and they could still order in once in a while.

As he walked up to the front door, he could hear muffled music playing from the stereo system in the living room- Pink Floyd. He pictured Cas sitting on the couch with a joint rolled, and by the time he opened the door, he had a huge grin on his face. It quickly fell, though, as he closed the door behind him and caught sight of Cas on the couch. He was slumped back into the cushions, wiping his hoodie sleeve across his face, a half-empty bottle of whiskey in the other hand.

Breathe, breathe in the air
Don't be afraid to care
Leave, but don't leave me
Look around, choose your own ground

"Cas?" Dean called.

Cas turned his head. "Fuck... w-what time is't?"

Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry

Dean made a bee-line for the couch, ignoring his question. "What's wrong? Why are you crying?"

And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be

"I'm not... crying," Cas mumbled, avoiding his eyes.

"You clearly are," Dean said back. Cas didn't answer, instead bringing the bottle to his lips again. Dean glanced around and noticed Cas' phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and flipped it over, and the corner of the screen was cracked. "You broke your phone," he stated.

Run, rabbit run
Dig that hole, forget the sun

"I did," Cas said.

And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down
It's time to dig another one

Dean pressed the home button, and the screen lit up. Through the cracks, he could see that Cas had eight notifications- three voicemails and five texts. He sighed, setting Cas' phone down on the coffee table and sitting down next to him on the couch. He picked up the little remote for the stereo and hit the mute button. "I told you to block her number, Cas."

"I know," Cas whispered, fresh tears rolling down his cheeks. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry." He watched Cas pick at the label on the bottle. "You know that whatever she said isn't true, right?"

"So why does she say it?" He choked out a sob. "Why- why does she hate me so much? How could anyone... hate their own kid so much?" He dropped his head into his hands.

Dean leaned forward and wrapped his arms around him, and Cas turned to lean into him, sobbing into his chest. "I don't know," Dean said, rubbing his palm soothingly across Cas' back. "But I guarantee you it's not your fault, okay? Your mom's got problems."

"'N' they all seem to stem from me."

"That's bullshit, Cas. What the fuck did she say to you?" Against his chest, Cas shook his head. "Tell me, Cas." Again, Cas didn't answer. "Why not?"

"'Cause."

"'Cause why?"

"'Cause it's stupid. I should be able to jus' ignore it."

Dean grabbed onto Cas' shoulders and pulled him back to look at him. "Jesus, Cas, you're human, okay? There's nothing wrong with expecting people to treat you with decency. Especially your own mother."

Cas refused to meet his eyes, instead staring down at the bottle still in his hands.

"Where'd you get that, anyway?"

"The store."

"You are such a smartass." The corner of Cas' mouth lifted ever so slightly, but he still wouldn't look at Dean. "What did your mom say?" Dean asked slowly.

Cas lifted his head, but still didn't look at Dean. "The usual."

"Riiight," Dean said, leaning forward and grabbing Cas' phone from the table. He pressed the home button twice, and a key pad popped up. He held it out to Cas in a silent request for him to input his passcode. If he didn't want to, he could just take his phone back, but instead he tapped four numbers and the phone opened for Dean. Cas then stood up and, setting the bottle down on the coffee table, stumbled off down the hallway.

"Where are you going?" Dean called.

"Bathroom," Cas answered.

Dean wasn't going to listen to the voicemails, as Cas hadn't even listened to them yet, but he opened the text conversation. He scrolled back to the day before, and the time stamps showed she'd been texting Cas all day while they were at the faire.

Mom: why arent you answring my calls?

Mom: i am you MOTHER

Mom: Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your GOD is giving you, Exodus 20:12

Cas: Stop messaging me.

Mom: i cant believe you would do this to your parents. we gave you EVERYTHIGN

Mom: yuo are such an ungrateful

Mom: child

Dean figured she must have passed out drunk or something because that was the last text, until that morning.

Mom: are you going to come home and let us help you, or are you going to live the rest of your life in sin?

Mom: ?

Mom: castiel answer me

Cas: STOP

Mom: what kind of mother would i be if i just gave up on my only son?

Cas: So go have another son, maybe he'll be straight and then you can forget about me and LEAVE ME ALONE.

She didn't respond for a while, and based on the next text, Dean figured it was because she'd started calling.

Mom: how DARE you say that and then HANG UP on me?!

Mom: i would not have gotten pregnant if it was not GODS will

Mom: He had a plan for you, castiel, and you've failed every step of the way

Mom: you are the most selfish spoiled ungrateful child i have EVER met

Mom: i dont know why your father and i wasted our lives trying to raise you right when you so CLEARLY didn't want to be helped

Mom: you act like whatever happened at that camp was so bad, yet it clearly wasn't enough to get you to change. how bad could it have been?

Mom: you ruined my life. 30 years. i wish you'd never been born.

Based on the timestamps, Dean could see that after Cas had answered the phone call from her and hung up, he most likely hadn't checked the texts again until later, after Gabe had come and gone. At that point, he'd read the last message from her, sent a hasty reply, and thrown his phone, and the last five texts Dean had seen the notifications for on the screen, he hadn't read.

Cas: FUCK YOU

Mom: this is exactly what i'm talking about

Mom: what respectable child talks to their mother that way

Mom: you will regret all of this one day, castiel, when i am dead and gone

Mom: and then it will be too late

Mom: i just hope the Lord has mercy on us knowing that we tried

So badly Dean wanted to write that if there was a hell, she was going to burn in it. But he didn't. Instead, he hit the power button, turning off Cas' screen, and set the phone down on the table. He sat in silence until Cas stumbled back into the living room and collapsed next to him on the couch.

"Do you feel better?"

Cas closed his eyes and leaned back into the cushions, then took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Yes."

"Your mom is a piece of shit," he said gruffly.

"E-sellent observation. I'm gonna go ou'side and have a cigarette."

"Just smoke in here," Dean said quickly. "I don't want you face-planting on the patio."

"You can't keep lettin' me smoke in here, it'll make your house gross." He paused as he dug his pack of cigarettes out of the front pocket of his hoodie. "Fuck, I have to quit smokin', too, don't I?"

"One thing at a time, Cas. I'd like you to, but you don't have to do anything you don't want to." Cas fumbled with the lighter for a moment, until finally Dean reached out and took it from him. He lit it and held it up to Cas' cigarette before tossing it onto the table. "I need you to talk to me."

"About what?"

"What happened at that camp."

Cas folded his arms across his chest. "No."

"Cas-"

"No," Cas said again.

"Clearly something happened, Cas," Dean pressed. Between the text from his mom setting him off, to Cas casually mentioning back when they first dated that he'd started smoking and drinking around fifteen, Dean knew that whatever happened had fucked Cas up.

"Dean, you need t'gimmie a break," Cas said. "I'm sorry that I'm-a drunk mess on your couch but you have to understand- a few days ago I thought you wanted nothin' to do with me." He looked away. "You need to give me some time."

Dean snapped his mouth shut. "Okay. ...You're right."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Cas sucking on his cigarette, before he mumbled, "...Are you mad at me?"

"Why would I be mad at you?"

"'Cause I'm bein' difficult."

"You're not..." Dean trailed off and sighed. "I'm not mad at you. I'm just... disappointed." He lowered his head. "In myself. For... ruining any trust you'd had in me."

"You did- you didn't ruin it. ...I jus' need some time." He fiddled with the cigarette in his hand. "I... never told anyone, so."

"You know that I just want to help you."

"Tellin' you won't change anythin'," Cas said quietly. "There's really nothin' you can do. It was thirteen years ago."

"That's not necessarily true."

"I dunno."

"Okay."

Cas used the end of his cigarette to light a new one before snuffing the first one out. "So, um, how was work?"

"It was okay. Nothing out of the ordinary. ...Except I was really excited to come home and see you."

A small smile briefly appeared on Cas' lips before disappearing again. "I'm sorry you came home t' this."

Dean reached over and placed his hand on Cas' thigh, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Don't be." Cas smiled over at him, then leaned over into his side. Dean wrapped his arm around his shoulder and turned his head, burying his nose in Cas' hair. "Do you want me to make you something to eat?"

Cas sighed. "No... I fucked up already. I ate a buncha Doritos with Gabe. ...And drank all that whiskey."

"It's alright," Dean said, rubbing his hand up and down Cas' upper arm. "Tomorrow's another day."

"Oh, joy," Cas said dryly.

Dean smiled in spite of himself. "Do you want to lay down?" Cas nodded, so Dean helped him to the bedroom and out of his clothes. He left them in a pile on the floor and then helped Cas get comfortable under the blanket.

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"I know it's early, but will you lie with me?"

"Yeah. Let me just get you some water, okay?" Cas nodded and closed his eyes, and it seemed like Dean was back in a second. He set the glass of water down on the nightstand on Cas' side and laid himself down on his side of the bed.

"Why are you on top of the covers?"

"Because I haven't showered yet and I don't think you want oil and grease in the bed."

Cas shrugged. "No. It's your bed, though."

Dean smiled. "And I don't want oil and grease in it." He rolled over so that he was facing Cas, and cupped his hand over Cas' jawline. "I'd prefer to dirty up the bed other ways." Cas giggled, and Dean leaned forward to capture his mouth in a kiss. When he pulled back, he caught and held Cas' eyes. "I'm really glad you're here, Cas."

Cas closed his eyes and hummed in agreement. "Me too." He kept them closed, and a minute or two passed before Dean was pretty sure he'd dozed off. He carefully climbed off of the bed and went out into the living room. He fed Floyd and then jumped in the shower, and afterwards, he stood at the sliding glass door in a towel while Floyd took care of business in the back yard.

When they came back in, he finished drying off and hung the towel on the back of the door. He climbed under the blanket with Cas, who opened his eyes. "I want to tell you."

Dean blinked. "What?"

Cas stared into his eyes. "I want to tell you what happened."

Dean held his gaze. He'd thought Cas was asleep, but he seemed like he'd sobered up a bit, so he was clearly awake the whole time Dean was gone. "Okay. But you don't have to if you don't want to. I don't want you to feel pressured or anything. It can wait 'til you're ready."

Cas lowered his eyes. "That's the thing... I don't think I'll ever be ready. But I've kept it to myself for so long, and I don't think I can anymore." He paused, chewing on his bottom lip. "Plus I drank 'n' smoked so I'm just gonna tell you and then go to sleep and we can both forget about it."

"Uh... okay." He leaned back so that he was propped up on both elbows as Cas scooted up in the bed and sat up. He brought his knees up, still covered by the blanket, and wrapped his arms around them.

He drew in a deep breath, before releasing it slowly. "Okay. So, um... I'm just gonna preface this by telling you that this is the most fucked up thing that's ever happened to me. But at the same time, it's... not a big deal. Not anymore. I... I don't really ever think about it or anything."

Dean wanted to say, It certainly sounds like a big deal... but he kept silent, afraid to interrupt Cas, lest he stop talking.

"I have this cousin," Cas began slowly, focusing on enunciating his words. "Her name is April. Her mother is my mother's older sister, so she was just as brainwashed as the rest of the family. ...Kind of. We had grown up together, and I trusted her, so when she told me she'd been having sex already- she was fifteen, by the way; I was fourteen- I thought I could confide in her, because she was sinning, too. I told her my... sin." He rolled his eyes. "I told her that I liked boys." He paused. "I hadn't done anything yet, but that didn't matter. I knew right away that I'd fucked up. Sure enough she told her mother, who told mine." He stopped, but Dean remained silent, because it was clear to him that Cas was not finished.

"I denied it, of course, but she didn't believe me. Told me April was a "good girl" and wouldn't lie. If only she'd known what April was doing. ...So over the summer she sent me to this camp. They boasted a... ninety-five percent success rate. At first it was laughable. We'd get lectures about all the dangers of being gay, and watch bad propaganda videos about 'the gays'. But that was just the beginning. I... wasn't exactly complacent, especially when things got worse. They'd give us nausea-inducing medication and make us look at pictures, or..." He closed his eyes. "...Fucking shock therapy. And that was horrible, but... I... I still wouldn't let them break me. About two weeks in... this one staff member. He said I'd been particularly difficult that day- which I was- and as punishment I had to do manual labor. After everyone else went to bed, we hiked up the hill behind the camp to the barn. We- we went inside, and, uh..." He swallowed hard and trailed off.

"Are we cleaning the stalls? I... thought that was a morning chore."

Allen chucked and shook his head. "No, Castiel. I want you to follow me."

Cas followed Allen past the cows and to the back of the barn, behind a wall of stacked bails of hay. In the corner was a bucket, and Allen stopped in front of it. "I want to show you something." Cas inched over towards the bucket and peered inside. At the bottom sat a small field mouse, staring up at him with large, unblinking eyes.

"He's fallen and he's trapped in there, Castiel. He doesn't know what to do, and he is not going to survive without intervention. That intervention may be scary, and he may not understand it, but it is going to save him." He met Cas' eyes and smiled, but it wasn't a kind smile, and it made Cas uneasy. "Hopefully he cooperates." He reached into the bucket and grabbed the mouse, hard, and lifted it out of the bucket. He held it up in front of his face, and Cas watched, confused, as the mouse thrashed and repeatedly bit into his thumb- hard. It drew blood, but Allen just smiled. "What a shame." The muscles in his arm popped and a second later, the mouse's eyes followed.

Cas gasped, horrified, and took a step back. "What the- what is wrong with you?"

Allen threw the mouse's lifeless body back into the bucket with a loud splat and rounded on Cas, grabbing him by the front of his shirt. He spun him around and threw him to the floor.

"What is wrong with you?" he snapped, looming over Castiel as he scrambled backwards on his elbows. "We are here to help you, to cure you, and you are nothing but an ungrateful, sinful little brat. God wants to lift you up, to help you enter paradise, and you don't think that you will feel his wrath when you bite him?"

Cas looked around frantically- he was cornered by the wall and the bails of hay, and Allen was blocking his only exit.

"You have a smart mouth, Castiel," Allen said, stepping forward until he was standing over Cas. "I think it's time someone shut it up." He dropped to his knees over him and reached for his belt buckle. Cas pushed himself back again, but at this point he was up against another wall.

"Don't-"

"Shut up," Allen growled. He reached out and grabbed a fistful of hair on the top of Cas' head, yanking it forward and then slamming it back against the wall. A cloud of thick barn dust came down on Cas' head, filling his lungs and burning his eyes. He barely registered Allen pulling in his knees and shoving his pants down. "This is what you want, isn't it, Castiel?" he said, his voice dripping with mockery. He placed one grimy hand on Cas' face, rubbing his bloody thumb along his bottom lip as he stroked himself with his other hand. "Isn't that why you refuse to flip past those images, no matter how many times we shock you?"

"No," Cas choked out.

"Are you sure?" Allen sneered, pushing himself forward. "Because I seem to remember your heart rate kicking up quite a bit when we showed you that skinny little faggot being choked on a cock." He leaned down and, in Cas' ear, growled, "Let's see how you like being on the receiving end."

"Please," Cas begged. A sob tore through him as Allen leaned back again and pressed the warm head of his dick against his cheek.

"This is all you have to look forward to," he said from above. "Homosexuality is nothing but lust. If you think anyone will ever love you, you're dead wrong."

"Cas?"

He was dizzy and covered in sweat, and it hurt to swallow. Allen was on his feet again, and he reached down and grabbed Cas' face by the chin, turning his head and forcing him to look at him.

"Get with the program. Or next time, I won't use your pretty little mouth."

"Cas!"

He turned to look at Dean, suddenly realizing that tears were streaming down his cheeks. He wiped his arm across his face and choked out a sob. "Fuck."

"Cas," Dean breathed, "Holy shit, you went silent on me for like two minutes straight. Are you okay?"

Cas nodded, although he was the furthest thing from okay. He hadn't thought about it in so long, and he wasn't expecting everything to come crashing back so vividly. He could still smell the fucking cows. He sucked in a deep breath and quickly said, "I- I just need to get it out."

Dean nodded. He unfortunately had a strong feeling as to where this was going, but Cas clearly needed to say it. "Go ahead. I'm here."

"He... he overpowered me. Pushed me down, and-" He buried his face in his hands, making a frustrated noise. When he removed them, he looked as far away from Dean as possible. "Have you ever heard the term corrective rape?" He didn't give Dean even a second to answer. "He shoved his dick in my mouth." He continued staring away from Dean, jaw clenched and eyes burning.

Dean opened and closed his mouth a few times, unsure what he should- or even could- say. "Christ, Cas... I'm sorry," he said finally. "I know it doesn't help, but I'm really fucking sorry."

"Actually..." Cas began quietly. "It kind of does help. A little." Having never told anyone, just that little bit of validation from someone else that what he went through was horrible actually made him feel the tiniest bit better.

Not taking his eyes off of Cas, Dean reached behind him and grabbed a box of tissues off of his night stand, holding them out.

"Thanks." Cas took the box and pulled one out, but he didn't use it, instead fiddling with it between his fingers. They sat in silence for a few minutes, as Cas took deep breaths. Finally, he stated, "I'd like to go to sleep now."

Dean nodded. "Sure thing, Cas."

Cas set the box of tissues down on his night stand and slid back down under the covers, rolling onto his side, away from Dean. Dean got into a similar position behind him.

Dean felt weird asking, but given what Cas had just told him, he didn't know if he wanted to be touched. He didn't know much at all about sexual trauma, but now he definitely wanted to learn. He wanted to help Cas in any way he could. "Do you want me to, uh..."

"I don't want anything to change, Dean," Cas said weakly.

"Okay." He scooted up behind Cas, sliding his arm around his side and nestling his nose against the back of Cas' neck.

Cas shifted his arm and placed his hand over Dean's, holding it against his chest and lacing their fingers together. "Thank you," Cas murmured sleepily.

Dean sighed against his neck. "Don't mention it, Cas." As they laid together, Dean could feel his heartbeat against Cas' back, and Cas' own against his palm. Remembering his conversation with Charlie the day before, he was suddenly filled with the overwhelming urge to tell Cas that he loved him. The more he thought about it, the more he wanted to, but the more he also realized that it probably wasn't appropriate.

Cas was currently the most vulnerable Dean had ever seen him. He wouldn't want to remember this as the first time Dean said it, and he certainly wouldn't want to think that Dean said it out of pity.

He wondered if anyone had ever said it to Cas at all. He was sure his parents hadn't, unless it was something condescending like, "We're doing this because we love you". He could feel the words on his tongue: Cas, you don't have to say it back, but I want you to know that I love you.

But he kept his mouth shut. Instead, he pressed a kiss to the back of Cas' neck and gave his fingers a squeeze. Cas squeezed his back, and that was good enough for Dean.

---

The next morning, Cas woke up while Dean was getting dressed. He partially sat up and squinted at Dean. "Is it morning already?" he asked groggily.

"Yeah," Dean answered, pulling on a pair of jeans in front of the dresser.

Cas flopped back into his pillow as Dean made his way over to the bed. "Ugh, I have to go back on Thursday. ...What day is it?"

"Tuesday," Dean answered, sitting down on his side of the mattress.

Cas was quiet for a moment, rubbing his eyes. "My head hurts." When Dean didn't respond, he pulled his hands away and opened his eyes. Dean was staring at him, his mouth turned down in a slight frown. "...What?"

"I don't want to go to work and leave you here," Dean said.

Cas frowned. "What? Why?"

Dean's eyes flicked away. "I'm worried about you."

Memories of the night before came flooding back, and Cas closed his eyes and sighed. "I'm fine, Dean. I'm probably just going to sleep all day."

Dean was quiet again, and Cas re-opened his eyes to see Dean staring down into his lap, picking at his fingernails. Finally he looked over and caught Cas' eye. "I think you should see a therapist."

Cas immediately shook his head. "No."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't need to," Cas insisted, staring up at the ceiling. "I'm fine."

"You're clearly not, Cas," Dean pressed. Cas didn't respond. "It helped me."

"I'm not you," Cas snapped. "I don't talk about my problems. I ignore them because there's nothing I can do about them."

"And that's working so well for you, right?" Dean said, his voice rising. "Do you think I was always like this? I needed years of fucking therapy to figure out how to process my dumb feelings and say what I mean, Cas, and for no good reason. Nothing happened to me; I was fucked up even as a blank slate." He swallowed, trying to re-orient himself. This wasn't about him, it was about Cas. "Is this going to be our first fight? Because I really don't want it to be, but I'm worried about you and I'm not letting this go."

"This is why I didn't want to fucking say anything," Cas muttered.

"Don't- don't do that," Dean said. "Don't try to make me feel guilty for caring about you because you decided to tell me. I can't just act like it didn't happen. I can't just act like you aren't carrying that around with you. I can't imagine-"

"No, you can't," Cas said. "So you can't imagine how badly I don't want to fucking re-live it with a stranger."

"You don't have to. Cas, please, just give it a chance," Dean pleaded. "You don't have to tell them about anything you don't want to. I was going to suggest this even before last night. You can just talk about your mom. Or us. Or Roger."

"That sounds productive." Dean sighed, and when he opened his mouth in rebuttal, Cas cut him off. "I know. I'm being difficult," he said bitterly. "That's just what I do, apparently."

"That's not what I was going to say," Dean said quietly. "I was going to say that I didn't want to go, either."

The door to his bedroom burst open and a stream of light from the hallway poured in. Dean groaned and with a bit of effort, pushed himself up onto his elbow to peer into the light. "Dad?" he asked groggily. "Damn, you can't knock? What if I was-"

"Save it, Dean," John snapped. "You and I both know you weren't."

Dean blinked. Ouch.

"You're goin' to that fuckin' therapy appointment next week," he growled, and it was clear by the malice in his voice that he'd been drinking.

"Uh, okay-"

"I'm not dealin' with this for much longer, Dean. You don't get your shit together, I'm done. Do you understand?"

"...Yes, sir."

He slammed the door and Dean was shrouded in darkness again. He could hear his parents yelling down the hall, and he let his elbow slide out from under him, flopping back down against the pillow. They were fighting again, and it was his fault.

A few minutes later, there was a soft knock at his door. He didn't respond, but the door eased open. "Dean?"

"What, mom?" he said into his pillow.

She came in and left the door slightly ajar behind her, allowing just a sliver of light in. Dean felt the mattress dip slightly as she sat on the edge, but he refused to turn his head to face her.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, mom," he mumbled.

"He's just worried."

"I said it's fine. I'm going to go to the appointment."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," he said, growing impatient. He just wanted to go back to sleep.

She was silent for a moment. "...Are you hungry? Do you want-"

"Jesus christ, no," he groaned. "It's past midnight. I want to go to sleep."

"Okay," she said softly, and he could feel her standing up. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," he grumbled.

Dean rubbed the back of his neck. "I refused. My parents got into a huge argument over it and my dad basically forced me to go."

"...Are you saying that you're forcing me to go?"

"No," Dean said quickly. "I'm never going to force you to do anything, Cas. I'm just trying to convince you because I think it would help you." He watched Cas look away, and he looked like he was thinking about it. "There's no shame in it," Dean added. "I actually started going again. Right after... I fucked things up with you."

Cas turned his head back to look at him. "You did?"

Dean nodded. "Yeah. Her name's Missouri. Super cool lady. You can see her, if you want."

Cas chewed on his bottom lip. "Maybe."

"That's all I'm asking. Just think about it. Maybe you can just come along with me the first time."

Cas nodded and closed his eyes. "I'm going to try to sleep off this hangover."

"Okay." Dean fiddled with his hands in his lap. "...Are you mad at me?"

"No, Dean."

"Promise?"

Cas opened his eyes again. "I promise."

Dean smiled weakly, reaching out and squeezing Cas' hand. "Call me if you need me, okay?"

Cas smiled back. "Okay."

Dean leaned down and gave him a quick kiss. "Maybe when I get home, you'd want to go to the grocery store with me?"

"Sure, Dean. Have a good day at work."

Dean let go of his hand and stood up, walking to the door and turning around. "I'll see you when I get home." He let his gaze linger on Cas for a moment longer before walking out the door and down the hallway.

Cas groaned and rolled over, yanking the blanket up over his head. He didn't want to see a therapist. For what? So she could pity him, too? What the hell was she going to do about anything?

He slept on and off for the next four hours, until finally he decided that sleeping wasn't going to help his hangover. He pulled on his pajamas and smoked a cigarette on the patio, then went into the kitchen in search of food. Dean had a lot of ingredients, but nothing easily preparable, until he went into the pantry and found a few cans of tuna fish. He grabbed one and made himself a sandwich, then took a shower. He didn't see a reason to get dressed yet, so he put a clean pair of pajamas on. He still had a headache, so he took some of the pain medication he was prescribed, although it was for his neck. Taking note that he was almost out of weed, he rolled a joint and laid down on the couch.

His phone must have died, because it sat dark and quiet on the coffee table where Dean had left it the night before. Part of him told himself to get up and plug it in to charge, because Dean might text him, but another part told him to leave it off, because his mom was definitely texting him. He closed his eyes, throwing his arm across his face and thinking back to what Dean had said about her showing up at the hospital. Maybe he should change his surgery date.

He suddenly realized that it didn't matter. She could just show up at PetSmart on Thursday. His heart rate kicked up just at the thought of her causing a scene in front of all of his coworkers. He dropped his arm, opening his eyes and letting his head flop to the side. He spotted the half-empty bottle of liquor Gabe had brought him the day before, sitting on the coffee table. With a heavy sigh, he rolled over and reached out for it. It was going to be a long week.

---

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Songs Used: Pink Floyd - Breathe