She hated to think about the day when he'd leave. From the moment in which she'd taken him home, she had always known that he would leave again. In the beginning, she had even looked forward to that day.
But not now.
Falling asleep – not alone – was something she had sorely missed. And waking up in somebody's arms was even more beautiful.
They had found their perfect position, the one to fall asleep next to each other. She'd lie at his side, resting her head on his right shoulder, feeling his hand at her back and his body beneath her right arm that she'd hold him with. She could lie like this indefinitely.
As she had awoken like this, three days ago, she hadn't even dared to move, not to wake him up, because she didn't want this to end.
Two days ago, she had spent half of her day off lying here, just like this. When she had come home after the next night shift, she had checked on his wounds again. He wasn't in a state where he would have been released from Seattle Grace, but in Iraq, she would have already sent him away.
He stayed for another night. And then one more – the past night. She had been so happy when she had come home yesterday evening, finding him still there.
But they both knew that the day was about to come, when he'd leave.
Teddy couldn't remember the last time when she'd let a guy into her bed without sleeping with him. Eyes open, she let her view wander over his body. The closer she eyed him, the more scars and traces of abuse she found. The two bullets had only been the tip of the iceberg.
Lying there, she wondered how strange this was. Ten days ago, he'd lain on her OR table. She'd had her hands in there, getting these two bullets out, saving his life.
She had brought the radiographs which they had made ten days ago home with her. In the hospital, nobody needed them, anyway. They didn't notice that they were missing. Looking at them, she had found numerous spots where his bones had been broken in one point in time, untreated. His nose had been broken two times already, but she couldn't say when that had happened. The ulna fracture looked like it had happened just ten days ago, it was a typical defensive wound. Probably he had tried to shield himself from being beaten with something. The fingers of his left hand had all been broken, but the fractures had healed, most likely a few months ago. Seven broken ribs, five of them, all on his back, which must have broken a few weeks ago, since they'd already started to heal. Those were even more typical defensive wounds, for someone who lay at the ground, being kicked.
She had removed the splint from his left leg, yesterday. He had begged her to do it, and the X-ray showed that the bone had already started to grow back together ten days ago. It must have been an older injury. Probably he would have begged her to remove it anyway, no matter what the state of the injury was. He couldn't really be out there, on the run, with a splint around his leg that made him walk on a limp and quite immovable. When she had finished removing it, she had already feared that this would be the moment he'd leave. But he stayed.
He was getting better, day after day. It was the first time that she hated seeing one of her patients get better.
Hesitatingly, Teddy ran her hand across his body, letting it rest at his belly. He was wearing one of Henry's old grey T-shirts.
He felt her move. Slowly, he stirred, and opened his eyes. He saw her grab the grey shirt, like it was the only thing of him that she could grab and hold that tight.
He moved his head a little, and placed a kiss at her head. "I owe you my life, Teddy", he said, like he was looking for an intro to a very bad conversation. He felt strong enough to leave… well, he had felt strong enough for the past two days already, but he just hadn't wanted to leave. He would be going out into a lonely world again, with nowhere to go. He had to make another start from scratch- even though he actually didn't even want to. Maybe Teddy was the last person on earth who'd call him by his real name. There was nobody else left, he planned on not contacting anyone.
During the past days, he had made his plans. Borrow a little money from Teddy. Go get something formal to wear, something that wouldn't attract attention like wearing Henry's clothes which were at least two sizes too big. Get sunglasses. Go find a branch of the UBS bank, get some money from the Swiss numbered account. Buy a gun, buy a car. Give Teddy her money back, somehow.
And then, disappear forever.
He planned to cross the border to Canada, find a cottage somewhere up north and stay there. Indefinitely, if necessary.
Teddy turned to look up to his face. She knew that that was it. This was the moment when they'd have their last heart-to-heart talk. She felt like crying already. "I don't want you to go", she whispered.
He turned his head and looked into her eyes. I don't want to go, either, he thought. But there was no choice. "I can't stay."
Tears welled in her eyes.
He brushed a strand of hair out of her face, carefully. "Each day I stay here the probability increases that somebody will find out about me, one of your neighbors, one of your friends", he started, musing "someone to catch you stealing supplies from the hospital to get me through… that'll get you in danger Teddy… They are still out there. They are still looking for me and they would use anyone dear to me to get to me."
Had he just said that she was dear to him?
She answered nothing, closed her eyes and snuggled up to his body, probably for the last time at all.
The alarm clock rang, telling her that it was time to get up, get dressed and go to work. As she didn't react, Jack reached over and hit the snooze button. He slung both his arms around her and held her tight. "I don't wanna leave, either.", he whispered into her ear, "I owe you so much, Teddy… I was in hell and then I came here and I was suddenly in heaven."
She buried her face his neck, inhaling his scent for a last time.
The alarm clock mercilessly told her again to get up.
She couldn't stall this any longer.
Screwing up all her courage, she freed herself from his hug and got out of the bed. Standing there, she looked down at him, still lying there. "I can't see you leave, Jack.", she murmured, shaking her head slightly, "I'll just go to work and…" when I come home you'll be gone, she meant to say, but she didn't get the words out. He understood her, even without words.
Having a hard time not to start crying, she went over to the wardrobe and grabbed some clothes for herself. She opened the other wardrobe, saying "This was Henry's. Take whatever you need." She couldn't look at him. "I guess you'll need some money for a cab... I'll leave some at the living room table."
Then she just ran out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
Jack lay in bed, motionlessly. So this was what saying goodbye felt like. It was so damn hard.
He had never said goodbye to anyone, not in his whole life.
Not even to Audrey, when he'd left her, pretending to be dead.
She must have felt like Teddy was feeling now, even worse. He couldn't imagine what kind of pain he had made her go through. And yet he kept doing this to people again and again: he only brought them pain.
Quickly, he got up and over to the wardrobe. He soon found a pair of blue jeans, a fresh grey T-shirt which almost fit him, a warm pullover and a black jacket. Even a pair of shoes that fit. He heard that Teddy was still under the shower, when he stepped out of the bedroom. God, should he leave now? No. He hadn't even said goodbye yet. He was determined not to leave without saying a proper goodbye.
At the table in the kitchen he found a small stack of twenty-dollar bills, next to two bottles of pills. An antibiotic and a bottle of painkillers. He pocketed all that and looked around. Well, there was nothing he could have left – he did not have anything.
Fully dressed and ready to go, Teddy came out of the bathroom. She froze right away, as she saw him standing there. "Jack, I told you to…", she began. She had put up with leaving him behind… he was totally ruining her plans.
"Without even saying goodbye?", he slowly approached her. "I made that mistake, Teddy.", he thought of Audrey, again. "I won't make it again."
She grabbed her coat from the rack and her bag.
He knew that she was late for work already.
"Let's go", he silently said and touched the small of her back, leading her outside.
She didn't dare look at him, but she didn't let him out of sight, either. He was walking almost normal, looking almost normal. In the past days, his beard had grown a little, covering the small injuries on his chin.
Teddy locked the door to her apartment and they both started walking downstairs, next to each other. With each other step they made, the entrance door kept coming closer.
"Shall I take you somewhere?", she asked, as they had already reached the second floor.
"No, I'll be fine." He already had a plan. The bank as not far away. He could walk, or take a cab.
They finally reached the ground floor. The entrance door of the building was coming closer.
None of them knew what to say.
"Where are you gonna go now?", she asked him, sure that he wouldn't answer.
"Teddy"
He grabbed her arm, forcing her to stop, just before they reached the door.
She turned around, looking into his eyes.
"Thank you.", he said, "For everything."
Hesitatingly, she brought her hand to his face and ran it over his cheek, let her thumb brush over his chin. "You said you owe me.", she whispered.
Yes, he breathed, watching her come closer.
Goddamnit, she was just as determined as Audrey. He knew where she was going… and even though he felt bad about it, he let her have her own way.
She pressed her lips against his and backed him to the wall next to the door, kissing him with consuming passion, feeling, how his initial refusal slowly resolved. He started to kiss her back. For a moment he completely forgot everything else.
She let go of him, after a few minutes and stepped back, looking into his eyes.
Did he look happy? No. Had she made him do something that he could only regret? No, she didn't feel sorry. She had wanted to do this for such a long time now…
He put on a little smile, as if he was asking her are you happy now?
"Goodbye, Jack", she whispered, and placed another small kiss on his cheek, before she turned around and went out through the door, leaving him back here.
.
.