Chapter 16: Never coming home

Trip had to admit it wasn't a dream holiday. He hadn't expected it to be easy. He had expected resistance from T'Les, accusations that T'Pol was acting emotionally, that she was betraying her culture - those sorts of things. But a fiancee, he hadn't been expecting that.

He opened his eyes and looked at T'Pol. She was sitting serenely opposite him, supposedly meditating, but he knew she hadn't reached the deep state she would usually achieve. He was starting to get worried. It was three days since Koss had turned up at T'Les' door and she hadn't achieved full meditation since that time. He wasn't sure what to do for her. He was pretty sure she wasn't sleeping, her appetite was gone, and she was, for lack of better word, emotional.

They were attempting an early meditation session together, while T'Les was at one of her study groups. He had suggested neuro-pressure but she had rejected the idea, pointing out, completely accurately, that it would probably lead to sex. He had jokingly asked if that would be such a bad thing under the circumstances. She had given him the 'eyebrow' and told him that, if they engaged in intercourse, T'Les would detect the odour immediately upon her return. It was more information than he wanted. He guessed it was pretty likely Vulcan teens didn't mess around under those conditions.

Over the last couple of days T'Pol had gone with T'Les to negotiate with Koss and his family. Every afternoon she had come home bristling with rage. He'd wanted to suggest neuro-pressure several times but some instinct had kept his mouth shut, quite wisely, he now thought in retrospect. Instead, he felt like he was watching T'Pol fall apart in front of him. He came out of his thoughts to find T'Pol regarding him frankly.

"Any luck?" He asked, even though he knew the answer.

"It was fine" she replied. He knew she was lying. 'Fine' was her catch-all for 'it's not what it should be but I don't want to talk about it'. He couldn't see the benefit of pointing out the lie. She was under enough stress as it was.

"Okay," he pretended not to notice her evasion. "Perhaps another session after dinner?"

"Perhaps." She turned her head away from him as she spoke. He wasn't sure if she did it because she was lying about meditating later or just trying to conceal her despair.

"How did the negotiations go today?" He wished he had a happier topic to cover but the truth was the situation was driving him insane as well and he wanted to know what was being discussed.

"Mother suggested that they waive the requirement that I have to live with the groom for one year." T'Pol told him, thinking this was good news.

"You would have to live with him after the wedding?" He felt like his world had dropped out from beneath him.

"I would not do it." She was suddenly shaken out of her despair. "If I was required to remain on Vulcan, I would live here, with mother. I will not live with him. I will not!" She wasn't shouting by the end of her protestation but her voice was filled with intensity, and he could sense the underlying rage. She spoke with a level of emotion that he'd never heard in her voice before. He thought back to their trip to the cabin, less than a month before, when she had told him she wouldn't tolerate being separated from him. Was this what she had meant.

"Did he accept that?" When T'Pol had first told him that she was still expected to honour her engagement to Koss, she had been adamant that they should leave immediately. He had been the one to talk her out of it. He had been concerned about the long term implications for her on Vulcan, her relationship with her mother, that if she left under those circumstances she would never be able to come back. Now he was wondering if he should have listened to her. She seemed to be falling apart before his very eyes, and Koss and his family were not backing down.

"He was reluctant, but my mother made some logical arguments in favour of it. I believe she can make him see the rationale of her argument." She took a deep breath and looked at him. "Trip, if he consents to me leaving, I can never come back." Her anger had dissipated, seemingly as quickly as it had flared.

Trip felt a knot building in his stomach when her words echoed his earlier thoughts, what was she planning. "I don't understand?"

"You are my mate, my t'hyla." Something in Trip's soul hummed when she spoke. They belonged to each other, no one could keep them apart. "I will stand with Koss before the Priest, and he will speak the ancient words of the bonding, but it will be a legal contract only." At her words Trip felt strange rage begin to build in him. She was his and he would kill any man who tried to come between them. "I will fulfil my duty to my mother as a good Vulcan should. She will regain her position at the Science Academy and in Vulcan Society. But after the ceremony you and I will leave. We will go back to Enterprise, and everything will remain the same between us. I will never return to Vulcan. We will not be able to marry, but I hope you will not see that as an impediment to our continuing a relationship." She said all this to him with resolve clear in her voice and features. Trip conversely tried to come to terms with the direction his thoughts were taking. He wanted kill Koss, to wipe him from existence, for the primal sin of attempting to come between Trip and his mate.

As if she knew what he was thinking she reached out to him and he took her hand. "I will not leave you, Trip. I cannot." Her voice was filled with despair and his rage dissipated. Years ago he had wondered what person had to do to break through her Vulcan reserve. Now he knew, and it was breaking his heart.

He looked at her taking in her appearance. There were dark, greenish circles under her eyes, her skin, which usually seemed to glow with health, looked waxy and sallow, even after just a few days she seemed to have gone from slim, to skeletal. Her eyes flickered about the room as if no one thing could hold her attention for more than a few moments. She moved from rage to despair, to manic optimism and back again without any obvious triggers. Trip couldn't help but be concerned that this situation was somehow pushing her into madness.

He looked down at her hand, laying in his, he could feel it trembling. He wondered how quickly her Pa'nar syndrome could progress if she was under stress. Perhaps a call to Phlox was in order, if Phlox would even talk to him about her condition. Maybe he should talk to T'Les instead, surely she had noticed the wreak her daughter had become in just a few days. With his free hand he squeezed his eyes, at the same time he attempted to stomp on his rising panic, he had to hold himself together for T'Pol, but he felt powerless to help her.

"Look, we'll do what we have to do to get through this. I don't want to be parted from you either. But I don't want you to lose your place in Vulcan society. Your Vulcan identify is important to you." He wished he was psychic, that he could absorb her emotions and transfer her some peace. But he could only be human. He could only respond to her emotions with more emotions. He suddenly felt, for the first time, that he was inadequate in his humanness, that she would be better off with a Vulcan.

She started to reply, but suddenly she shut her mouth and let go of his hand. He narrowed his eyes wondering what had brought on the sudden change when he heard the front door open, T'Les was home.