Chapter 3

"Nice work, Head Boy. Dumbledore would be proud."

James Potter turns around, cigarette in his mouth, to see Lily walking up to him. He grins at her, before blowing out a puff of smoke.

"Dumbledore would join me if he were here. Don't underestimate him".

"Sure he would," scoffs Lily in reply. She can feel her heart thudding as she accepts the cig he offers her. Lighting it up, drawing the smoke in, breathing out into the night. They're standing side by side in one of the numerous castle corridors, facing one of the numerous glowing gardens it hides. The half-moon is out and the layer of green outside is tinged with silver.

"I don't think we've ever shared a smoke before, Evans. This is nice. Better than noisy first years and never-ending detentions. And the first week isn't even done yet." He leans back against the pillar as he says this, a small smile playing on his lips.

"Anything's better than that," says Lily in reply. But he's right. It is nice. She can feel her shoulders relaxing, the nicotine soothing the knots in her brain.

"All the other Prefects done with their rounds?" He asks.

"Yep. Done and gone to bed. We're the last ones out. Let's hope Filch doesn't come this way."

They stand in silence for a while, just enjoying the night.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" He asks suddenly. Lily is about to say that it might be a bit risky, considering she'd just passed Filch in the corridor, but then she remembers that he is in fact, the master of sneaking-around-undetected (well, she isn't so bad herself) and so she says "Yeah, let's go."

And so Lily and James set off. Initially, there is silence, with the two of them more focused on finishing their cigarette, but as they fall into a comfortable pace, Lily can feel her mood lifting even as the chilly autumn air blows on her. She finds herself looking at Potter, watching his jaw move as he inhales and blows out. The way his long fingers grip the cigarette. The way the light bounces off his dark, dark hair. She shakes her head a bit and looks up at the sky. Clouds swirl around the moon but half its face is clear and fierce in its ghostly light.

"How's Remus doing? He still has a couple of days, right? Until the full moon?" She finally asks. She watches Potter's face as he replies. She has never directly asked him about what Sirius jokingly calls 'Remus' furry-little-problem'. After she nearly died from it though, she thinks she at least has a right to ask.

He doesn't seem to mind, as he chucks the cigarette butt to the ground, blowing out the smoke one last time. "Yep. He has a few days. And then it's time to party," he says, grimacing.

Lily gives a small smile. "It's amazing. You guys being animagi. And that too at fucking fifteen? What were you thinking? You could have died!" She cries out with an incredulous laugh.

"Well, we weren't really thinking much, that's the point. And fourteen and a half, not fifteen." James tries to sound nonchalant, smirking that infamous arrogant smirk, but the smile in his eyes is warm as he looks at Lily.

"I really wish I was one. I'd like to know what I'd turn into. I have never even performed a Patronus. I hope mine's a tiger or something. Or a jaguar. Or a caracal. That'd be cool," Lily says. They're walking down towards Hagrid's hut, their hands occasionally brushing against one another's. She tries to focus on the conversation and not on his hands, or the long strides he takes. Or the way the smell of tobacco clings to him faintly.

"What's a caracal?" He asks, bringing her back to earth.

"It's part of the cat family. Um, sort of like a jungle cat; but with long, wide, pointy ears. It's found in Asia, I think."

"Oh. You want your animagus to be a cat!? Like McGonagall?" He laughs, "Don't let Peter ever hear you say that."

"Cats are amazingly intelligent creatures! And they're gorgeous too. And they can see brilliantly in the dark, and they have the most superior hunting skills – "

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry, Merlin, Lily!" He's still laughing and Lily finds herself joining him as well.

"I have a cat back home. I like cats," she says, shaking her head. Potter grins and she grins back and suddenly he shifts as though about to embrace her; but it's as though he's intercepted that thought before he could finish and they fall back into step, both facing forwards. Lily's stomach sinks.

"So what help is a rat, really, when it comes to controlling a werewolf?" She asks, partly to break the sudden awkwardness. James laughs.

"We didn't know that the fucking git was going to turn into a rat, now, did we? It's not any real physical help, but he wants to be there, obviously; he loves Moony just as much and we want him there. He's our friend. I'd want to be there, even if I was a rat. I actually feel sorry for the git sometimes; I'd hate not being able to do anything. But he's a big help after, when Sirius and I are too tired or injured to pay enough attention or do the healing spells properly." He says all this a bit fast and stops abruptly, as though afraid of what else might come out of his mouth.

Lily just nods in reply, not knowing what to say, how to react to this sudden inclusion into their secretive life. He even used Remus' nickname – Moony – which is not something she had ever heard from any of their mouths before this. They walk in silence once again. She wonders if he's thinking of that night. She knows she is. She wants to talk about it, to ask him something, anything really; why did Sirius tell Snape, why were they outside the Shrieking Shack that night, why did he kiss her, why the fuck did he nearly die trying to save her of all people when Sirius very nearly died himself –

"What did Snape say to you about that night?" He asks, breaking her mad stream of thoughts.

"Not much. Nothing, really. He just told me later on that you guys weren't what you seemed and that I shouldn't trust you and all that sort of rubbish. He didn't go into any specifics. He doesn't know that I was out there. He doesn't know that I know."

Lily looks at Potter. He's frowning, his hands running through his hair. She finds that her hands are doing the same to her own hair. They've stopped right in the middle of the grounds. It's deathly still, save for a few bats or something moving around in the trees which stand on the edges of the Forbidden Forest. She can see the dark shapes out of the corners of her eyes. Just like that night. Severus had been lying unconscious on the ground that night. She remembers seeing him for some reason, a dark outline in the distance behind when that thing had turned towards her -

Lily looks straight into Potter's eyes, as she speaks. They glint in the moonlight, behind his glasses. He looks straight back at her. Her heart is really starting to beat fast.

"In the hospital wing, while you were being treated, Dumbledore came to see me, explain it all to me; you know that. He, well, he told me not to tell Snape that I know as well. He made me promise to pretend like I wasn't there. He said that me knowing about it would give him more opportunity to talk about it, discuss it, try and find out more. Without having anyone else to talk about it to, Snape might just not think about it as much. He might not pursue it as much. I don't know, that's what Dumbledore said. I think he just doesn't want people talking about it. Anyway, I did as he told. I played dumb."

James listens intently. When she finishes he relaxes visibly. The creases on his forehead smoothen and he nods. "So the bastard can't talk about it to anyone yet. And he has no clue as to what happened with you. I could kill him, I swear. And Sirius. If he opens his mouth – "

"Well he can't, remember, Dumbledore made him swear – "

"What was he fucking thinking, bringing you along, I swear, if anything had happened to you –"

Lily shuts up. So does James. Suddenly they're unable to look at each other. Lily feels her face getting hotter. They stand there awkwardly for a few seconds. Then Lily says, "Maybe we should call it a night. We have classes starting really early tomorrow morning and we have head duties and – "

"Yeah, let's do that," James cuts in. He looks annoyed, she notices, and something about his manner seems suddenly closed off. Still, she tries.

"Hey," she says, touching his arm gently, "Nothing happened to me, thanks to you. And whatever happened, it's over now, so let's not get so worked up about it, alright?" She wants to hold him, but she can't. God knows she can't. He nods, still not looking at her, but he lets her turn him towards the castle and they set off.

The walk back is much quicker, and quieter. It's colder too, so they hurry to get back into the warmth of the castle walls.

The torches radiate heat into their limbs as they step out of the night, into the corridor. They silently make their way back to the Common Room, pausing now and then to check for Filch. Just as they're nearing the portrait of the Fat Lady, Potter suddenly turns to Lily and says, "Why did you kiss me?"

That's what I was going to ask you, you fucking idiot, thinks Lily, but there is such a strange glow in his eyes that she stops. He's just standing there, looking at her. Not demanding; just waiting, his eyes soft. She remembers the desperation in the way they'd held each other. She remembers the heat of his mouth, his heart thudding against her chest. Her hands fumbling all over him. Do all boys tremble like that when they kiss? Her mind goes blank.

"Uh, I don't really…. James, you were badly hurt, and uh, I, I was just really happy to see you were okay, and I guess, I… was grateful to you, for saving my life, I – "

Instantly, his face hardens, his eyes lose their warmth. Something in the air between them breaks. "Hippogriff," he says to the Fat Lady and the portrait swings open.

"Good night Lily."

He barely turns around to even look at her face before he disappears into the Common Room and the door shuts. Lily's left standing there, chewing her lip. Her stomach churns almost painfully and her eyes sting.

"Hippogriff," she says, entering the empty Common Room, going straight to bed, knowing she really isn't going to sleep much tonight.