Chapter 3 - What Can We Do Now?
Author Notes
Hey... Sorry for the long wait. :')
And here you go. More sadness as we progress. :')
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(For those that I don't get to reply directly. :))
Gessuto San - Heyllos, Gessuto San-san! v I'm glad to hear that you found this story of high quality! I do my best to achieve! Hehe~ v
And each praise to dialogue and pacing makes me wonder if I'm really that good (cos' I'm a worrywart), but puts a smile on my face nonetheless! (Boost of confidence, hehe. And I now read through to see how exactly I handled it. :P)
A-Anyways, I felt plenty sad from what I wrote already, but...is there even such a thing as tips to write even sadder? Well, if I could make you and all the other reader feel more, that'd make me happy. OwO
Hair colour, eh~ Well, I learnt to describe hair colours from all the stories I read everywhere, and also tried to be...unique (when possible), to not copy the usual way of describing, yet still capture the desired description. And I hope it didn't get you too confused. :')
Thanks for the good luck, by the way!
A few days passed, and Honoka is to be discharged this afternoon.
Home...huh?
Lazy blue eyes stared out the hospital window, nothing really processing in her eyes.
Two soft knocks on wood caught her attention, and she turned to see the middle aged Doctor Nishikino with long red hair, she also learnt was one of her friend, Maki's mother.
Doctor Nishikino held a gentle smile as Honoka has seen most of the times in her short stay in the hospital.
"Are you ready to go home, Honoka-san?"
Am I ready?
Honoka stared a little while longer before a small and wry smile appeared on the gingerhead.
"Isn't that something you know better than I do?"
Doctor Nishikino was caught off guard by the joke her patient just pulled, recovering after a second, she giggled. "Hm, perhaps."
Honoka dropped the smile as she stared at her empty hands, while Doctor Nishikino did a quick scan through of the papers she held.
"Nishikino-sensei...Can I ask you something?" Honoka broke the silence with an uncertain voice.
"Of course. I'll answer with the best of my capabilities." Doctor Nishikino looked away from the papers to give the young ginger her attention.
"What can I do...to not make my friends and family sad?" Shaky blue looked to clear violet.
"Take your medicine on time, smile...and just let nature take its course." Doctor Nishikino places a gentle hand on Honoka'a head. "If you're happy, I'm sure they'll be happy too."
Honoka lowers her gaze to stare at her hands again.
How do I feel happy? I don't know what makes me happy...
The room's door was pushed opened lightly before Doctor Nishikino could add anything else.
Doctor Nishikino exchanged smiles with the new visitor before she left for the door.
"I hope I'm not disturbing." A different set of gentle voice broke Honoka out of her depressing thoughts.
"E..Eli-chan." Honoka addressed when she took in her senior standing before her.
"You seem surprised to see me?" Eli made sure she was smiling to the gingerhead.
I hope it's surprise and not fear...
Honoka returned a small smile of hers. "I wasn't expecting anyone...Well..."
Eli raised an eyebrow while waiting for Honoka to continue.
"I thought it'll be Nico-chan since Nico-chan has been visiting really early with food..."
Nico did tell us how Honoka is doing with morning "reports".
"Ah...If you don't mind Grandma style porridge..?" Eli lifts the thermal can containing the porridge she cooked.
I know Honoka isn't really sick...but only Obaa-sama's porridge came to mind for 'feeling better' this morning...
"I...I'm pretty sure I don't mind..." Honoka had a thoughtful look, no memory of displeasure with porridge came to her.
Eli grins. "I think so too."
Honoka seems to be able to eat almost anything from the time we've spent together.
Eli pours out some porridge into the bowl she brought along as she thought about how Honoka always clears her plate during their training camp, and had some snack every now and then.
Eli brings the bowl close to Honoka, took a scoop up and blew it before moving it closer to Honoka.
"Um...I can feed myself?" Honoka felt slightly embarrassed from her senior's kind gesture.
I just naturally moved to feed Honoka...
A light pink grew on Eli. "Nico doesn't do this?"
"Um...No..." Honoka shook her head.
"Well, here you go then. Be mindful of the heat." Eli warned as she handed the bowl of porridge over.
Honoka nodded again as she accepted her breakfast. Downing it in less than ten minutes.
"The porridge is really delicious, Eli-chan! Thanks!" Honoka thanked with a wide and satisfied smile.
Such a beautiful smile... It's like nothing has changed...
Eli chuckled at the sight, Honoka felt like Honoka when she smiles widely and gushed about food. "I'd gladly cook more for you next time."
Honoka seemed to disappear as she put on a shy yet distant smile. "It's okay...I wouldn't want to trouble you."
Eli's smile faded along with Honoka's change in attitude, but quickly tried to change the mood. "It's hardly any trouble. So don't worry about it."
Was that a little too pushy? I wouldn't want to scare Honoka...
Honoka looked up surprised at Eli's sudden determination. "Well...If you insist..."
Eli smiled. "I insist."
It was thankfully a weekend, though even if it wasn't, all of Muse would skip school to fetch Honoka out of the hospital.
"Honoka-chan, nya~!" An excitable Rin ran over while being loud in the hospital even though Umi was telling her to behave.
Honoka was out of the hospital bed and changed into a simple shirt and shorts when she turned to face the orange haired girl running at her; she took a step back afraid of being tackled.
Rin noticed and came to a sudden stop in front of the gingerhead, her smile ever-wide.
Honoka slowly returned a small smile. "Hi, Rin-chan..."
"Rin, I told you no running in the hospital." Umi scolded as she arrived with the rest of Muse, minus Eli since she was already with Honoka.
Hanayo smiled and waved to Honoka, only putting her hand down when the gingerhead made eye contact with her.
Kotori just stood behind everyone else; her eyes weren't as puffy as before, though she refused to look at her childhood friend for more than a few seconds when Honoka looked over.
Rin turned around with an indignant expression. "But I wanted to see Honoka-chan as fast as possible!"
"That's no excu-"
Umi was cut off as a hand was placed on her shoulder. "Maa, maa~ Umi-chan."
Umi faced the purplenette with an unsatisfied look. "Nozomi-"
Nozomi grinned. "You know you wanted to be reunited with Honoka as soon as possible too~"
"Nozomi!" Umi hissed in a hushed voice while the purplenette just chuckled.
"I'm sure Honoka couldn't wait to see me instead!" Nico declared with a smug look.
Rin whined. "Eh~ Why would Honoka-chan want to see you?"
Nico's smirk was pulled higher. "Because~ I'm the universe's greatest-"
Nico wasn't able to finish her "skit" as Maki approached.
"Honoka, you don't have a fever or anything right?"
Honoka shook her head.
"Your family is waiting outside with my family's car."
Honoka nodded just before a shout came from behind.
"What?! Is Maki going to see Honoka home?" Nico demanded.
Maki sighed before turning around to stare at the twin tailed girl; the exchange of looks somehow conveyed the message of "Are you an idiot? I could, but I'm not doing that. Because we already agreed to meet and discuss about Honoka after seeing her off."
Nico's expression flickered from guilty to upset as she huffed and crossed her arms.
"Your parents don't have a car, so I offered my car to send you back. Let's not keep them waiting?" Maki returned to asking Honoka.
Honoka gave Maki an appreciative smile and a nod. "Thank you..."
Maki nodded and led the way out.
Outside the hospital doors and into the warmth of the outdoors, Honoka could immediately see the difference in treatment she will be receiving because she has amnesia.
Honoka's parents were standing beside the car, hands fidgeting and faces filled with concern as they awaited their daughter. And her younger sister was already in the car, looking out for her, but quickly turned away when she was spotted.
They look so worried...
"Honoka...Here, you can sit beside Yukiho." Honoka's mum ushered her daughter towards the car by putting her arms around the gingerhead's shoulder which she could tell stiffened slightly from the contact.
Ah, I missed my chance to greet them with a smile...
Honoka's dad opened the car door and managed to make a brief eye contact with his daughter; uncertainty was still evident in those blue orbs of his eldest daughter, but he chose to remain strong as he gave a small nod and smile, hopefully allowing Honoka to not be so nervous around him.
Dad... I'm sorry, I don't remember you and can't seem to find my voice...
Entering the car, Honoka moved to sit beside her sister, though she subconsciously did not moved all way in.
Yukiho...I should at least try to say hi...
Honoka turned her head to face the young redhead. "Um..."
Honoka's mouth remained opened while Yukiho did not face her sister.
Is saying hi so hard? Greeting someone shouldn't be so hard... And she's my sister... my sister...
Honoka lowered her head and mumbled. "H...Hi...Yu..kiho..."
Yukiho sighed internally, knowing better than to give her older sister more negativity. "Onee-chan, put on your seatbelt."
Right...Seatbelts... Yukiho seems so distant now... I guess it's my fault, and it's not like I know how close we are...
Honoka nodded quickly as she fumbled with the belt. Once done, she looked to the left and noticed that Maki was giving instructions to the driver in front.
Oh, Maki-chan... She seems so mature... like Nishikino-sensei...
Maybe Honoka was staring for really long, or Maki just felt the pair of blue eyes on her, as the redhead turned to Honoka with a small smile.
"Get plenty of rest at home, okay?"
I wonder if I am as mature... Rest?
Honoka stared at Maki with no response.
"Honoka?" Maki's smile turned into a concerned frown.
Honoka..? Right, it's me.
"Um...What?" Honoka blinked some focus back into her.
Maki's eyebrows were still furrowed with concern, but she managed another small smile. "Remember to rest well."
"Ah, o-okay..." Honoka gave a smile of her own.
Honoka looked out the car to see the rest of her friends looking at her; most with smiles and waves. Honoka returned a small wave as the car drove off.
Just as the black car came to a stop outside an apartment which had a sign "Homura" on the front, Honoka's dad got out the car after saying a quick thanks to the driver. The large man wasted no time in opening the door for the rest of his family, though Yukiho left from her side of the car without a word.
Yukiho..? Does she not want to see me?
Honoka's mum reached over to assist her daughter in exiting the car, while Honoka just allowed her parents to revolve around her, holding back the urge to shrink away when hands she weren't familiar with hold her.
I can get off a car on my own...But I feel like if I say that, it'll make them upset...
Honoka held back a growing pout as she kept an expressionless face; at least she hope she did.
Honoka's mum could see through her daughter though, with or without memories; she would be able to notice her daughter's slightly furrowed eyebrows and eyes trained to the ground. All this little things told Honoka's mum just how uncomfortable her daughter is feeling.
"This is our home, Honoka." Honoka's mum informed as she placed a gentle hand on her daughter's back.
Home...
Honoka stared at the building. The apartment.
What should I be feeling when I look at "home"? What do I usually feel or think about when I return home..?
Honoka lowered her gaze from the two storey house and the distinct words of "Homura". Those three characters seemed to say something, call out to the gingerhead, but she did not know what exactly.
Honoka shook her head lightly, and as her eyebrows furrowed deeper along with her frown, her father cleared his throat and gestured for them to enter.
Honoka managed to see her parents' worry-stricken faces before they adorned neutral trying to be positive expressions.
Ah...I made them worry again...
Honoka allowed herself into the foreign apartment; she could tell there was warmth trying to engulf her, but the lack of memories acted as an invisible force that pushed the warmth away.
The ginger haired girl looked from left to right, and top to bottom; she guessed she wouldn't be intruding on anyone's privacy since this was supposed to be her house too.
I wonder what's mine and what isn't... Or do we share everything..? Or maybe...what did I do before? How did I sit on a couch..?
Honoka felt her head hurt from a all the questions; they were mundane, almost irrelevant information to most, but that she could not reach an answer to these simple queries...she felt the throbbing at her head increasing.
"Honoka...would you like a drink? Something cold? Or hot?" Honoka's mum asked quietly beside her daughter.
Honoka shook her head, but decided she might as well find out where the kitchen is.
"Water...is fine..."
Honoka felt like her throat was really dry all of a sudden; was it because of not being able to find the right words for her earlier questions? Would it hurt her family if she asked? The new questions just made Honoka's head throb even more.
Yukiho has been watching her older sister and her reactions with them with a permanent frown; she didn't like how her older sister looked lost, afraid and in pain standing in their home.
"Um...Yukiho..?" Honoka broke the silence with an unsure voice.
Again, Yukiho held back a sigh or the urge to shout, Yukiho also made sure to not make eye contact with her older sister.
The reasons for Yukiho's reluctance to look or speak to Honoka are simple; she's worried, no, she knows that she'll break down in tears and loud sobs if she does. And she doesn't want to do that.
Does Yukiho hate me now..? Or..?
"Were we close?"
No, that's wrong. I just wanted to ask where my room is. That question will hurt Yukiho.
Dimmer blue eyes that was mixed with fear and guilt met lighter blue that glistened with tears that threatened to flow.
"I-"
Yukiho spun in her feet, breaking the eye contact as fast as she could, effectively cutting Honoka off.
"Yes." Yukiho's voice cracked.
I'm sorry...
"Why won't you look at me?"
No, no. That's not the right question..! Just ask for my room...
Honoka's guilt-filled eyes searched for a response from her younger sister's shaking back despite telling herself she shouldn't.
"I..-" Yukiho's voice broke a second time.
Yukiho's crying... I made my little sister cry again...
Honoka connected her dry lips in a tight line. "I'm sorry. You don't have to-"
"I CAN'T!" Yukiho shouted out of the blue, causing Honoka to flinch backwards. "I CAN'T WITHOUT CRYING AND MAKING YOU FEEL UPSET WHEN YOU'RE ALREADY FEELING UPSET! Afraid... Afraid of me... Afraid of us... your family..."
Yukiho dropped to the ground, her cries louder than before.
I'm afraid, but...
Honoka takes a step towards her sister. "Yukiho-"
"DON'T!" Yukiho shouted; her voice barely making it out from her sobs. "Don't..."
Don't..? Yukiho-
Yukiho pulls herself up and heads to her room. Honoka walks to follow wherever her sister was going.
"Don't follow me!" Yukiho screamed as she haphazardly rubbed her tears with her arm and ran.
Would I have listened to what others told me to do? No. That's not important now.
A quick thought passed Honoka before she started running, catching up to her sister in no time, grabbing onto the redhead's arm.
"Yukiho!"
"Let go off me!" Yukiho struggled to break free, but her older sister's grip was stronger.
"I won't. Yukiho! I want you to treat me like how you usually would!"
Else how am I supposed to know who you are and who I am?
"I can't!" Yukiho tried to take a weak step away from the older sister she loves so much.
"You will!" Honoka pulled her younger sister towards her, turning the redhead around so that they can look at each other. "I need you to..."
Even with the tears blurring Yukiho's vision, she could see her older sister; blue eyes on the verge of crying, but filled with determination she used to see. Yet, it also held that vulnerability that existed in her older sister ever since she lost her memories.
Honoka needs her. Her older sister needs her.
Yukiho dropped to her knees in tears a second time since returning home from the hospital, but this time she wasn't alone as Honoka kneeled beside her younger sister, pulling her into a comforting hug.
"Onee-chan...!" Yukiho cries into her sister's shoulder; still available despite the situation.
"I'm here...I'm here..." Honoka repeats in a soft voice as she puts a hand on her little sister's back.
I hope I'm not hurting Yukiho any more than I already have... Does this make Yukiho feel better?
"Onee-chan..." Yukiho's voice wasn't as shaky as before.
"Yeah..?" Honoka asked.
"Tell me you're not sad because of me...Because I cried in front of you..." Yukiho gripped her older's sister shirt tighter.
Should I..? I don't think I want to lie though...
"I am..." Honoka felt Yukiho flinch. "Even if I don't remember...I don't like it that I'm making my sister cry..."
Yukiho laughed, which confused Honoka.
"Why are you laughing?"
Yukiho moved away from her older sister though she liked the closeness. "Because...You're Onee-chan."
Honoka's eyebrows remained furrowed.
"It's just like Onee-chan to not tell me what I want to hear. To be so stubborn and forceful."
Yukiho smiled a lopsided smile; she was still sad that her older sister does not remember her, but that her older sister still had parts like before. It filled her with so much hope, she can't explain.
Honoka relaxed her leg muscles as she sat backwards onto the floor. "So...I'm stubborn and forceful?"
Yukiho smiled; it felt weird, to smile so genuinely and not a forced one, as this smile seemed gone for good when the ginger haired girl in front of her showed no signs of memories for her.
"Yeah. You are."
I sound unreasonable...
"But you still love me?" Honoka's confused look made Yukiho chuckle.
"A younger sister always loves her older sister regardless."
Honoka finds herself smiling too.
Regardless, huh...
"A parent too."
Honoka turns her head when a hand squeezed her shoulder gently from behind her, and she sees her mum wiping a tear away.
"Mum..." Honoka spoke, and her mum nodded; answering the unspoken question that she witnessed the sisters' heartfelt clash.
"I'll take photo albums out for Onee-chan to see. Maybe that can help." Yukiho got to her feet to fetch objects that held memories.
Honoka's mum helped her eldest daughter off the floor. "Are you okay with that?"
Am I okay with looking at pictures..? I supposed. I hope it'll help too. Getting back my memories means that you'll be happy after all.
Honoka put on a reassuring smile as she placed a hand over her mum's hand that was supporting her. "Mmph."
Honoka's mum's eyes twinkled with relief, joy and age as she guided her daughter to the living room, where Honoka's dad will soon join his wife and daughters in a slow and careful time of finding memories.
After seeing the sleek black car send Honoka and her family home, Kotori breathes out softly, praying for Honoka to adjust to home, and hoping her childhood friend would just remember everything. She then takes in a deep breath as she readied herself for what's to come.
Honoka-chan...
"Let's go."
Eli led her friends to the open air cafe which had a table large enough for eight, where they will discuss what they can do to help Honoka regain her lost memories.
Once each of their drinks was served, Eli looked over to Umi and Kotori, waiting for them to say something. Since the two are Honoka's childhood friends, having spent more time and made more memories together, she figured perhaps they would have more ideas or chances to get their leader's memories back.
What are we supposed to do?
Umi made eye contact with Eli, understanding the silent consideration, before glancing over to her childhood friend that was present, at least physically.
What do you think we can do, Umi-chan?
Kotori sits in silence, her lips set in a line; her usual smile seemingly lost along with Honoka's memories. And it wouldn't be out of place to think so.
I don't even want to accept that Honoka-chan doesn't remember me...
Umi sighs; the rest of Muse focused their attention on the blue haired lyricist.
I'm sorry for not saying anything Umi-chan... But I think you understand why... Just opening my mouth to breathe makes me want to cry...
"For starters, I think we should let Honoka's family spend time with her before we visit Honoka."
Family... I wonder how Honoka-chan is coping... I don't have a father around... But for Honoka-chan now... she has three strangers claiming to be her family... Is it scary? Or is it nice?
Umi paused to push back her selfish thoughts of wanting to look for Honoka right away, she knows that Honoka's family would allow them to, but it wouldn't be fair to not let them have time with Honoka first.
"So that they can try to help Honoka get accustomed to her...new life. And...maybe retrieve some memories with her family."
New life...
Kotori shook her head internally.
I hope Honoka-chan can regain some memories with her family too...
Umi frowned at her use of words. "New life", was there a better way to put it? Umi wasn't sure.
The others were sitting quietly, agreeing and accepting Umi's suggestion when Nico slams her hands on the table to get everyone's attention which garnered some displeased frowns too at the sudden loudness.
Nico-chan..?
Ignoring the frowns to put a more energetic take in their discussion for something depressing, "Nico will make Honoka remember idols! The beauty, the charm, the loveliness of idols."
Idols... Muse...is not Muse without Honoka-chan...
"Nico will..." The twin tailed girl trailed off when she thought about how Honoka has forgotten about being an idol, about being an idol with them. "Nico will make Honoka remember us as school idols! Remember that she is a school idol, along side us as Muse!"
Nico ended her declaration with a confident smile; the best one she could put forth in the situation, hiding any hint of sadness or doubt in her.
Not putting a stop to energy and positivity, Rin jumped to her feet. "Rin will help Honoka-chan get back her fun, nya!"
"You say it like Honoka doesn't know how to have fun anymore." Maki voices, slightly displeased at Rin for assuming things, though she knows inside why Rin would think that.
"But...Honoka-chan isn't smiling as much as she would before... And... Honoka-chan seems to be afraid of something... And it makes Rin feel sad..."
Rin lowers her head as she has a small, upset frown, and yellow eyes starting to water.
Rin-chan... I dislike seeing Honoka-chan afraid too...
Kotori swallowed a sip of juice that was tasteless to her.
"Then, I'll try to help Honoka-chan overcome her fear."
Nozomi offers a gentle grin, though the worry and exhaustion was evident in her eyes as well as the tinge of heaviness in her tone; the teasing, carefree tone unable to surface fully.
Help Honoka-chan not be afraid of...us...
"They say I'm quite capable of calming others after all." Nozomi commanded her face muscle to grin wider.
"Who ever said that?" Nico remarked with pursed lips; trying to keep some "casual" atmosphere.
However, the fellow third year wasn't able to keep the ball rolling as her grin didn't grow wider, neither did a witty comeback form.
Maki sighed softly at the sight of Nico trying to be annoying and Nozomi not being annoying.
"Well, I'll ensure she's healthy. Mentally and physically. I'll do what I can."
Maki informed everyone of her plans; whether medicinal or just to keep the gingerhead away from thoughts like giving up or the like. After all, Honoka seems to have lost her memories because of physical damage, and it's important to have a healthy mind for any possibility of regaining those memories.
Is it medicines that will get Honoka-chan's memories back..? No... Nishikino-sensei mentioned that the medicines is to recover from the blood clot... not get back memories...
"I-I can help with food? H-healthy food...or just delicious food is important to being healthy, right..?"
Hanayo tried to speak up, though it came out at a barely audible volume which the girls had to strain their ears to listen. Kotori didn't even bother; busy with her thoughts.
"Food is a good choice, Hanayo." Eli compliments. "I guess I'll see what I can do to help her in her studies."
Sky blue eyes observed the mostly solemn and uncertain expressions on everyone's faces.
"Umi and Kotori will be the main focus first to help Honoka regain her memories. Is that okay with everyone?"
Eli asked, trying to wrap up their discussion without seeming too imposing.
Kotori's brain could not even think of anything. Bring back Honoka's memories. Her? How?
Nods and soft "Okay"s passed around the table.
Eli looked to the two childhood friends of the absent gingerhead for a moment.
"The two of you can discuss further amongst yourself if you like." Eli understood just how sensitive the memories they hold with Honoka could be. The dance instructor wore a small smile. "The rest of us have some role or another for the time being too."
Umi responded with a distant smile, the responsibility on her shoulders seemingly visible for a second. "We will. We leave the rest to you all too."
We?
Umi turns to her childhood friend. "Kotori?"
Kotori frowned.
Don't ask me...
"Do you want to talk about this at my house or yours?" Umi asked.
I don't want to talk about this...
"Kotori?" Umi called to her unresponsive friend. "I know this is hard on you."
No, you don't...
"It's hard on everyone, but we've got to accept this and-"
"I don't want to!" Kotori didn't mean to shout. Kotori didn't mean to be so uncooperative. But her actions said otherwise. "I don't want to accept that Honoka-chan had forgotten everything!"
Kotori barely registered what she has done and the shocked expressions of all her friends, Umi included, when she took off running yet again.
Can't this all just be a very, very bad dream?
Kotori felt the tears falling all over the place messily as she ran blindly away from her friends. Away from facing reality.
Honoka-chan..!
Kotori screamed the name of the girl she wanted to see and did not want to see.
Author Notes
I realised that this genre of writing is going to take longer than my estimated timing. Heh. v -sweatdrops-
It's 3 weeks since the last chapter! OxO
Anyways, just know that I won't be dropping the story, it just...takes longer to tune my mind to writing hurt/comfort, and thus the time it takes to give another chapter. :') Forgive me!
Hm. So, how was this chapter? Honoka's family and friends and Honoka herself are all struggling with handling the situation. It's all so delicate, but how much careful threading should they go about with?
:'3 Leave me comments, reviews~ your opinions and thoughts! *o*
See you next chapter! Hopefully not taking as long as this chapter. :') Really sorry 'bout this.