Ch4 – Lie to me (Don't lie to me)
Author Notes
It's been forever. OaO Since June?! OxO I'm really sorry for such a slow and late update! Please forgive me~ OvO``
Here's a serving of sadness, grief and pain.
"Say it like we want to accept this." Nico spat out the words with anger, frustration she hated.
"Nico." Eli scolded half-heartedly; she understood where Nico was coming from. They all felt the same way or at least similarly to Kotori, but they can't all run from the situation, can they?
No, no one wants to accept this.
"Nobody wants to be forgotten by Honoka! Nobody wanted Honoka to forget all of her life!" Nico continued, banging her hands on the table angrily with each statement.
Who would even? "Why did this have to happen to Honoka", I question every night ever since it happened. I would rather it be me.
Rin sniffles loudly, doing her best to not cry in front of everyone, while Hanayo wrings her hands together tightly, also fighting the incoming waves of tears as the reality of her dear friend losing her memories crashed over her unforgivingly.
Rin… Hanayo… I don't like seeing the two of you so hurt and broken. Even if it's for Honoka… Kotori shouldn't worry them like this…
Maki frowns deeply, not enjoying the aftermath the ash-brunette who ran off minutes ago left them with. "Nico-"
No, I should be handling this better…
"I'm sorry." Umi unknowingly interrupts the redhead who wanted to stop Nico's understandable but still undesired loud rants.
"It's not Umi-chan's fault. It's no one's fault." Nozomi speaks up, her voice still solemn as she failed to keep eye contact with the bluenette; as the both of them felt their eyes beginning to be overly moist, the tears just threatening to pour if they didn't consciously will it back.
If it's not my fault or anyone's fault, then who are we to blame for this unfortunate fate that Honoka is facing? We are facing. Is this meant to be? I too don't want to accept this… No. I shouldn't fall into negativity. Honoka wouldn't want me to.
"I'm going to look for Kotori." Umi takes a step away from the table.
"She probably needs more time alone." Maki points out.
She's had a lot of time alone when Honoka was hospitalized.
Not holding back a long sigh, Umi drags an exhausted gaze to the redhead more knowledgeable about this sort of psychological and physical health symptoms. "She needs Honoka. And running away from reality isn't going to get her any."
"Not like we got much Honoka." Nico's thoughts slipped out of her mind and onto her straightforward tongue. The third-year groans at her mistake. "I didn't mean to-"
"It's fine." Umi sighs again. "All will be fine." Umi says it like a loud prayer and reassurance for herself as she leaves the table to find the childhood friend that she hopes to be able to work with in getting their dearest friend's memories back…together.
Not yet. But we will do whatever we can to help Honoka regain her memories. I swear it upon the Sonoda name and my entire life.
Honoka-chan! Honoka-chan! Honoka-chan! Honoka-chan..!
Drowning out any and all other thoughts with only the name and images and memories of the ash-brunette's best friend; Kotori ran and ran and ran. Not knowing where she wanted to go or where her feet will take her to as the endless stream of tears seems to be determined to obscure her vision, not that she was trying to watch where she was going.
Honoka-chan… What am I supposed to do?
When Kotori blinked multiple times and took notice of her surroundings and the fact that her breathing has stabilized more or less, the designer found herself outside the home of the girl she still wasn't sure that she was ready to meet.
If it was the past…Honoka-chan would look over…with a bright smile…and ask me to play with her…
The window opening and the very person Kotori was thinking of appeared in the ash-brunette's view. Kotori panicked and dashed her hands across her face hurriedly, worried that she might still be crying, and the sight of her crying would just be a hindrance to the already suffering gingerhead with the lost memories. However, Kotori was only met with a cold, barely damp surface since her tears have long dried into messy streaks of dried up tears.
I probably still look like a mess…
Contradicting her thoughts and desire not to look at Honoka, she raised her head to look. Even though the ash-brunette didn't want to hope, she wished that Honoka would look back at her as she imagined earlier.
But fate was never that kind; Kotori's best friend mustered a small, hesitant smile and gave a small wave. Kotori clenched a fistful of her skirt as her heart squeezed uncomfortably from Honoka's distant reaction.
Honoka-chan…Why are you afraid of me? Why can't you remember me?
Kotori hates herself for being such a huge coward. She was when she was leaving Japan, and she still is as she took off running again.
I'm sorry, Honoka-chan! I just don't like any of this! I don't want you to forget me!
The door closes with a soft thud and Honoka releases a long breath she was holding after excusing herself from her supposed family. It was a relatively long time spent looking at collected memories over the years, memories she had no recollection of, and it was starting to hurt as she repeated replied "No, I don't remember…" to the people who obviously was hoping for a positive answer with each picture.
"I bet they are so disappointed…" Honoka grabbed a fistful of her hair, ignoring the slight pain from the rough tug. "Ugh! Why can't I remember?!"
The gingerhead pants from the outburst and absentmindedly took in the room that belonged to her but had no memory of. Honoka frowns.
I don't want to sadden anyone anymore…
Honoka trudged across her room slowly, taking in the smell of the room, taking note of what was in her room.
I read manga, huh? I wonder which was my favourite story or chapter. I wonder who would know…
Honoka sighs again before shaking her head.
I got to keep trying!
Honoka attempts to bring her spirits up as she glanced over to the next part of her room, though something else caught her eye – yet another picture frame. Wary blue eyes scanned the worn wooden frame and fingers brushed over the contents of the picture – nine girls standing together all smiles.
My friends… My childhood friends… Sonoda…Umi… and… Minami…Kotori…
Honoka pressed her dried lips in a line as her eyebrows furrowed in a subconscious attempt to remember something, anything at all.
"Sonoda Umi… Minami Kotori… Ugh…" Honoka's back was hunched over as her free hand gripped her head, a grimace growing as the pain nagged at her brain. "Ugh… Who are they? Why can't I remember anything…?"
They appeared a lot in the photo albums… Mum says we are really close friends… Yukiho says that I probably used up all my luck just having them as friends…
Honoka winced but pushed on as she focused her shaky vision on the blue haired girl in the picture.
Sonoda Umi is strict on me but is really kind…
Honoka shakes her head when the pain heightened while no memory returned before focusing on the ash-brunette in the picture.
Minami Kotori is lenient with me and pampers me with snacks…
Honoka drops the picture frame and slumps her body against the bookshelf for support, both hands on her aching head.
"This isn't working…" The worn out gingerhead mumbles as she stumbles her way to the bed.
Maybe some fresh air…
Honoka steadies her breathing, willing the headache to subside before she opens the window. Tired eyes widened in surprise to see the childhood friend she was trying to recall memories of moments ago below.
Kotori…chan… Looks like she's been crying…
Honoka didn't know why, perhaps it was because they are actually close friends, but Honoka did not like seeing the ash-brunette sad.
Ah, I should show that I'm okay and say hi…
Honoka commanded her face muscles to pull into a smile, it came out small, but the gingerhead was doing her best. And she raised a hand to wave since her voice failed her.
Kotori-chan…
Kotori did not return the greeting and Honoka could not help but notice the skies at the moment was overcast with dark, gloomy clouds as though reflecting her memories hopelessness and the uncertain relationship between the girl outside the house and her.
I might prefer it sunny…
Honoka opened her mouth thinking of saying something, pretty much anything could be better than nothing. However, the ash-brunette took off running before Honoka could say anything. And at that exact moment, the rain decided to fall.
"I…" Honoka watched the messily running figure outside as her hands gripped the windowsill tightly.
I don't know what Honoka would have done. But I don't think I want to let my friend run in the rain!
Honoka ran out her room, scanned the house for an umbrella which thankfully was near the exit, grabbed one and ran out with a rushed, "I'll be back soon!"
Kotori-chan! If you don't talk to me, I won't know who I am or who you are! Or more importantly…who I am with you!
Honoka surprises herself as she caught up with the ash-brunette who had a head start.
I must be quite fit.
"Kotori-chan!"
"Don't come near me!" Kotori screams and kept running.
Honoka frowns as the rain got heavier and drenched the two further.
"You'll catch a cold!" Honoka reasons, though her true reason of chasing after the ash-brunette was because she was sick of seeing someone who seems to care for her so much keep running away from her and wear such a grief expression.
"Let go of me!" Kotori struggles futilely as she did it half-heartedly against her best friend's grip on her wrist; the hold felt too familiar to the time at the airport.
"I won't! I…" Honoka wavers slightly before raising the umbrella – the excuse. "You should take an umbrella home-"
Kotori hits the umbrella out of Honoka's hands without thinking. "I don't want an umbrella from you!"
Shocked blue eyes watched the umbrella fall to the wet floor and continued to be wet by the pouring rain.
What am I doing? I'm supposed to make Kotori-chan feel better. Make my family and friends feel reassured.
"I'm sorry…" Kotori apologized and hiccupped loudly.
Honoka only then noticed that the ash-brunette was crying.
I made her cry…
"No…I'm sorry…" Honoka hurried to pick up the mess she assumes she was the one who created.
Kotori wrenches her hand away from Honoka despite the desire to be close to her best friend again, she turns away. "Don't look at me…Don't…" Kotori's voice broke as she tried to stop the sobs from escaping her, she doesn't want Honoka seeing her in such a state – unstable, unfriendly, uncooperative.
I should give Kotori-chan what she wants.
"But I won't know who you are if you don't let me see you." Honoka clenched her fist together when she sees the ash-brunette flinch.
What am I doing?! Stop!
"I won't know who you are if you don't talk to me." Honoka dug her nails into the palm of her hand when she sees the ash-brunette shudder or perhaps shivers; was it from the cold of the rain or the cold of her words?
I'm hurting Kotori-chan further with these words. I need to stop.
"I'm sorry. I want to make you feel better. Not-" Honoka reached over for the ash-brunette but Kotori spins around and takes a stumbling step away.
"Honoka-chan won't do that!" Kotori was being unreasonable, she knows it, but the words still tumble out of her despite her mind screaming not to.
Your Honoka…
Honoka gnashed her teeth together and glances to the abandoned umbrella on the ground, wet and unable to carry out its task of keeping its owner dry. "I don't know what Honoka would have done, but I figured I wouldn't want my friend caught in the rain."
Perhaps I was wrong. I don't know how to bring smiles to everyone like how Honoka seemed really capable of.
"Honoka-chan would invite me to her house." Kotori doesn't even know what she was saying anymore. What was the point of saying something that only further pained her and possibly pained her best friend too?
"Then do you want to come over?" Honoka didn't need to think about wanting to do what her with memories would have done, as long as it could bring happiness to someone else.
"No." As contradictive as the ash-brunette has been with her heart, mind and body ever since the news of Honoka not remembering her sunk in her, Kotori bit her lips and clenched her hands just as her heart did.
Then what do you want so that I can make you happy?!
Honoka was getting a little irritated at the fact that she can't please her supposed childhood friend, and have long disregarded the idea of knowing more of herself in this situation – she just wants Kotori to feel better.
"Then tell me what to do to make you happy!" Honoka shouts despite wanting to be nice.
"Say you remember me!" Kotori blinked and pressed her eyelids hard together for the tears to fall. She was so sick of crying but she can't stop all the annoying tears from coming out. She hates how much of a cry-baby she is, but she can't seem to be stronger for herself, for Honoka.
Say I remember Kotori-chan…
Honoka blinks multiple times, blinking away the rain and eyes widened. Time seemed to slow for the moment as the gingerhead takes in Kotori's dishevelled hair all sticking to skin, puffy, red eyes that had tears wet Kotori's cheeks even more than what the rain was doing, hands gripping at the wet and wrinkled up skirt and the irregular shaking of the ash-brunette's body – Kotori was crying hard.
I'm so pathetic. Making my friend cry this much, be so sad because I can't remember her.
"I remember you, Kotori-chan." Honoka says the words most desired by Kotori.
But those empty words can't deceive Kotori even if she wanted to be deceived, Kotori could see it in Honoka's hurt expression – Honoka doesn't like lying. Kotori too and Kotori hates that she made Honoka do it for her.
"No!" Kotori hits her best friend on the chest. "You don't!" Kotori pushes Honoka onto the wet ground, holding onto the gingerhead's drenched shirt as she did not retaliate or moved away.
Kotori-chan needs Honoka.
"Kotori-chan is my childhood friend." Honoka continues from the cold, wet floor she had her hands supporting her so she isn't fully splayed on the ground.
"You don't remember that!" Kotori hits against her best friend's chest as she cries.
Just believe my words, Kotori-chan…
"I want to eat the sweets you bake, Kotori-chan." Honoka says a line fitting of the photo memory she saw earlier.
"You don't mean that..! Honoka-chan..!" Kotori hits Honoka's chest, drops her face against Honoka's chest and sobs loudly, her hands gripping desperately to the physical body of her best friend.
I…do. I want you happy, so I mean what I say.
"Kotori-chan…let's have a sleepover soon." Honoka picks another shared experience with her childhood friends told her earlier.
"Stop…Honoka-chan, stop..! I don't want you to lie anymore!" Kotori only sobbed harder with each lie her best friend said to her – the kinder and sweeter the words, the more Kotori desired those words to be what Honoka truly meant, the more it hurt Kotori to hear.
Honoka didn't know when, perhaps from the beginning, but she was finding it hard to see or think of anything as Kotori's cries and her own tears fogged up her vision. Honoka places a hand on the shaking uncontrollably ash-brunette's back in a form of comfort.
I won't say it if you don't want it… But… Aren't you still feeling sad, Kotori-chan? Can you wait for me to get my memories back?
They both cried under the rain – Kotori sobbing loudly, her whole body shaking against Honoka's as Honoka still tried to stay strong and not cry aloud; that simply turned out with teeth grinding hard against each other, harsh breathing and an endless flow of tears, the childhood friends matching in sorrow.
"C-Can you lead me to your house? I'll bring you back home…" Honoka asks between sniffles but was only met with crying. Kotori was shaking so badly, hyperventilating at this point, Honoka was starting to get worried, wondering what she should do.
Kotori-chan is going to fall ill at this rate…Should I bring her back to my house?
An umbrella covered the two where their heads were; Honoka looks up and through her wet and blurry vision she sees her other childhood friend crying silent tears that wiped it away with swift fingers. "Bring her to my house."
Honoka blinked, not processing the instruction.
Umi-chan..?
"My house is big enough and is closer from here." Umi bends over to help Kotori off Honoka but is stopped.
"I-I can do it." Honoka felt responsible for how broken the ash-brunette in her hold is; she did say hurtful words over and over again to the girl, and wasn't able to give her friend a single sense of comfort – at least that's what Honoka thinks.
Kotori shook in her best friend's clumsy attempt at holding the both of them upright. Kotori wants to stand on her own, but her limbs weren't cooperating again – legs shook unsteadily and hands gripped Honoka tightly, as though letting go would equate to an end to everything; leading to Kotori feeling like a void.
This is all my fault…
Honoka strengthens her hold and steps in tandem with the patient bluenette.
"Don't blame yourself, Honoka." Over the soggy footsteps and pouring rain, Umi's voice was crystal clear; Honoka could not help but turn to face the bluenette wide-eyed, surprised that the bluenette seemed to have read her mind.
But I'm to blame…
"Y-You should cover yourself with the umbrella… We are already wet…" Honoka responds lamely and moving the ash-brunette and herself half a step from Umi.
"Do you think I will do that?" Umi asks, firm almond eyes looking directly at Honoka's moist, wavering blue eyes.
Umi-chan is kind…
Honoka lowers her head and steps closer to her friend so that the umbrella can be shared better, a small smile curves on the gingerhead's lips when she noticed the umbrella she brought out for Kotori in the bluenette's other hand.
Umi-chan is really kind…I wish I can be as cool as her...
Author Notes
…
I'm supposed to end this chapter on a sadder note right? But well, it's not like it's all clear skies and rainbows right now. Kotori is still broken and crying, Honoka is still lost, and Umi is holding back.
It seriously takes a much longer time to write this story, but I'm still going to do it! O`a`O
Let me know what y'all think about this chapter. :') I didn't think it'll expand so much for Kotori's feelings of grief and I would be able to write more on the rest of Muse. But…Apparently this is just the tip of the iceberg! Somewhat. OvO Everyone's feelings are so brittle, tender and precious, I worry for them so much… T.T
So. :') Leave me comments, reviews, opinions and thoughts! :D
And I'll see you next chapter! (Definitely not 5 months long! O`,`O)