Paula had to take several deep breaths as soon as the small cabin started moving upwards.
Her pulse was elevating with the same speed the floor numbers got higher and higher, her normally voluptuous lips pressed together to a thin line.
She still couldn't believe what she just saw with her own eyes, or how Harvey reacted.
She was aware that she would have to be prudent now, calm and understanding, instead she was boiling up from the inside.
With her experience as a therapist she should have known how to handle herself and this situation, but as a woman who just saw her boyfriend in a rather compromitting embrace with this other woman, who then outright fled the scene and therefore a confrontation, she was more than just furious.
If this whole episode would have been an absolutely harmless event, as indeed Harvey was friends with this woman for the past decade, he would have turned around to Paula, smiled, and give her a little smootch on the cheek.
Instead she caught him burying his hand in the other woman's neck, wrapping the other arm around this woman's waist, and his lips just inches away from hers.
There was no denial that what Paula has seen was neither innocent nor even remotely something friends would habitually do.
She was categorically certain that he was about to kiss this other woman, and if she wouldn't have interrupted this scene of intimate tete a tete, in a few seconds it would have accumulated in exactly that.
And she did not have the slightest clue how it came this far.
She thought they were happy.
A great couple.
In love.
But she thought precisely the same before she found out her husband was cheating on her.
And this bastard owed her an explanation, even though she knew it would be insufficient and more a stringing together of mumbled words, lies and excuses.
The refreshing and clarifying effect of the early morning breeze almost unnoticeably transformed to a cold and harsh wind, the warmth of the frequent sunbeams that managed their way through the clouds only a weak opponent in this rivalry, unable to prevent the goosebumps starting to run up and down Donna's spine.
It was a stupid idea to wait here for Harvey.
The clothes she was wearing clearly did not provide her with the required cover under those circumstances, and god knows how long Harvey would take to return to her.
If he would even return to her.
Stupid.
She should just go.
But she couldn't forget the look on his face, or his hand slowly wandering up to her neck, or his lips striking her skin.
Or the force he invested to remain in their embrace when she thought it was about to get out of hand.
She also knew he fled the scene of their crime, and she knew as well he would never be able to be with her if a guilty conscience would haunt him for the rest of his life.
Harvey wasn't a cheater.
But she grew tired of putting his needs above hers.
She needed him.
She wanted him.
She shouldn't have send him to Paula.
And now he would not come back to her and she would freeze to death on this godforsaken rooftop.
Although she was pretty sure there has been a moment when he was about to realize he actually wanted her too, and not as his secretary or friend, she couldn't be confident it lasted longer than this exact moment.
Despite the sharp strikes the wind leaves on her cheeks, Donna wanders off to the edge of the roof, bending slightly over.
Staring on the concrete all the way down, her eyes finally fill up with the restrained tears, as there is no point in holding them back any longer.
Suddenly she recognizes a movement in the corner of her blurred view, as the door to the rooftop opens smoothly.
Harvey clears his throat to prepare himself as the elevator doors are about to reveal another sight of the devastated and quite angry Paula in the lobby.
He knew what was awaiting him, he was aware of the consequences, and he thought this through in the little amount of time he had to the utter efficiency of his limited capability in those sort of matters.
He would make it quick.
He would apologize.
He would try to make it as easy as it was humanly possible.
But the truth had to be said, and the truth was he liked Paula, he liked to be with her, but...
But there was Donna.
And he needed time to think.
As much as he wanted to believe he had sincere feelings for Paula, the moment
Donna's lips touched his, it all faded into oblivion.
And if he ever cheated on somebody, then this somebody was himself.
He cheated on himself for years and more years to follow.
It had to stop eventually.
And right now apparently was the time.
Armoured with this insight, Harvey steps into the lobby, only to find no Paula among the people hasting through it.
To his own surprise, the determination he felt before washes out of his system, immediately to be replaced by relief.
Just to be certain, his eyes search the faces, checking the corners, but Paula obviously already was gone.
"Where's Harvey?"
Paula's voice cuts through the prevalent cacophonous disharmony of the wind, startling Donna to the core.
"Paula…"
"Still Dr. Agard to you. Where the hell is Harvey?"
Donna has to blink the tears out of her eyes to focus on Paula Agard, who is maneuvering herself towards her position, the blonde hair a sheer banquet for the wind playing its games.
"He… He just left, I thought…"
"I honestly don't care what you think, Donna Paulsen. I have had more than enough of you trying to sabotage my relationship with Harvey. And you know what? I know something you obviously don't. I've seen it ever since my first session with him, and you are definitely not getting it. He doesn't want you. He never wanted you. I even actually pity you."
"Paula, what…"
"He's not in love with you, Donna. Why can't you see this? You are not the right woman for him. If you would know him so well as you like to think, how could this simple fact never have crossed your mind? It is just so damn obvious."
Paula has to swallow once or twice, neglecting the soreness in her throat remaining there after this outburst.
"For years and years, why do you think you both never had a relationship? Why do you think it never even occurred to him? And, oh, he is well aware of the feelings you have for him, trust me. But you never got the hint. Well, what can I say. Where is Harvey? He's not even here with you. He never will. Deep down he knows you are no match for him. He's Harvey Specter. You are just a secretary. You never will be anything else to him, and you know it."
Paula rigorously turns around, heading back to the door.
OK, Specter, so what now?
Harvey takes a seat in the lobby for the sole purpose of not to be standing around like a fucking idiot while his sleep deprived brain is trying to figure out the next step.
Paula left.
Donna was upstairs, waiting and anticipating.
He had to go up, even if he only could tell Donna the absolute truth, meaning that he had to postpone the whole endeavor.
Or he could call Paula.
Or not.
Anyway, Paula wasn't here, and Donna was.
In the end, that said it all.
Making his way back to the elevators, along with at least 2 dozen of other employees of this huge complex, he knew it would take a while.
And indeed, it did.
People rushing to their workplace, exiting and entering, the elevator stopped on almost every fucking floor there was that separated him from Donna.
The maximum amount of annoyance was distributed by an ex colleague, a mail delivery boy, who despite the given fact that there was a maintenance elevator
for the staff, still decided to use the main one, stopping on every floor he had a delivery to make, blocking the doors with his waggon so no one could move forward before he would be back.
Somehow this resemblance to his own life struck Harvey.
He has putted his life on hold, as well as Donna's.
He simply never got the magnitude of that.
He didn't do it out of malinformation, he didn't do it out of neglect.
He did it out of complete ignorance.
But he would set it right.
He would tell Donna that she had to be patient, that he couldn't talk to Paula, that he needed some time to solve this, that he had some feelings for her he could not rationalize and that…
Fuck it.
He would just kiss her.
He would, eventually, end up on the rooftop, if this pale rookie of a mail delivery boy finally finished his tour, then he would go straight up to Donna, and make things understandable for even the most imbecile of minds.
He wouldn't need to tell her shit.
She would know it all.
Solid plan.
Except that after he got to the rooftop, he found it empty.
There was no sign of Donna.
Donna watched carefully as the doors closed behind Paula Agard, not being able to believe to the last moment she just heard what she heard coming out of that woman's mouth.
She always thought that Dr. Agard was a decent person, and not in one million years she would have seen this coming.
Sometimes Donna, although always claiming otherwise, but sometimes she was wrong.
And probably this time, this Dr. Agard was right, and Donna wasn't.
"Harvey! Where the hell have you been?"
The very moment Harvey gets out on the Pearson Specter Litt floor, heading to Donna's office, he hears the penetrating voice of Louis behind his back, interrupting his pace.
"Louis, I'm very glad to see that the sleeping beauty finally woke up. We have some good news, so where is Donna? She's the one who dug up some dirt on Van Dyke, so where the hell is she?"
"Wait, what? She just left, she said she has some things to take care of and…"
Harvey's intonation levels with his inner turmoil, not eluding the emotional aspect any more.
"She left? When? What things Louis?"
"Harvey, I… I just saw her passing by, grabbing her coat and handbag, and that was it. I asked her where she was going and she said she has some things that need her immediate attention. I swear, I don't know anything else, that's all she said. Harvey, what the hell is going on here? I know something happened between the two of you, but with Van Dyke it is…"
"Yes Louis, it is not the time right now."
"Harvey…"
"Louis, call Alex and tell him to meet me in two hours in my office. Send Rachel and Mike home, go home yourself. We all need a shower and some fresh clothes before dealing with Van Dyke. I'll get some breakfast. And call Donna for me, will you? Two hours, my office. By the way, it seems like we got Van Dyke by his balls."
The mischievous grin Harvey manages to put upon his face is not even remotely capable of covering up the incidents of last night.
Or this very morning.