Rey flicked through the Jedi tomes and sighed. She felt out of her depth. Here in her hands she held the combined wisdom of hundreds of years of Jedi wisdom, but somehow the words didn't resonate. Am I really a Jedi? She asked herself. She pushed the books aside, shifted uncomfortably on the rock she had placed herself on, and looked out across the valley. Above her a blue sky glowed with three lilac suns.
Her eyes moved across the hive of activity below, seeking out her friends. She spotted Finn, busily working on his fighter with Rose. Together, they were upgrading and rebuilding what was left of their fleet, utilising their combined knowledge of New Order and Resistance tech to give their soldiers the best fighting chance when the time came. She watched them work effortlessly together, laughing. Something happening there, she mused, with affection.
And then, further in the distance, was her General, Poe, strategising and planning their every next move. Poe looked handsome, dashing - but also older, wiser. She admired them all. Their drive, their fight, their purpose.
But what is my purpose?, she asked herself. In theory, she knew. To rebuild the Jedi. To create a new temple, a school. Already the Resistance were collecting young hopefuls from around the galaxy, smuggling them in as they revealed strong connections to the Force. There were already 20, already getting settled into their new quarters, and excitedly stitching their own padawan costumes. But somehow, it felt fake.
I can't do this, she thought. I am only learning now myself. How can I even begin to teach others?
As if to check in on herself, she raised an arm and pushed her mind towards a boulder in the near distance. She felt its weight lift, but as it did so, she felt resistance. The boulder vibrated, unsteadily. The resistance was not in the Force, but herself. A blockage.
She closed her eyes, and looked inside. She reached out again to the rawness of the disappointment, the sadness she felt. She had been so certain he would turn. She had seen it so clearly when she had felt the steady warmth of his fingers on hers. When she had looked into his wide, vulnerable eyes. What had she misread? Why had he still struggled? Couldn't he see what she could see?
"It will pass," she said out loud, more to comfort herself than because she yet believed it. She pushed the pain aside, and tried again to focus on compassion.
This is what she knew.
Ben had been the victim of mistakes. Mistakes of the Light. His parents had left him in Luke's hands, when he needed a parents presence, love and guidance, not the structures of the Jedi religion. His uncle had then reacted in fear to his ward's own uncertainty of himself, the expectations placed upon him, and his loneliness. This together had set the path to Kylo Ren. It started, as it always did, in childhood. The Light had failed Ben. He had power, but this was useless without a strong sense of love and trust. Snoke had recognised the vacuum within him, and replaced that need for love with the promise of respect, trust, and power.
Vader had been the same. From what Luke had told her, he had turned to the dark side as his true needs had been actively denied. He had loved Padme. Without her presence, he was but a single tree. How could he ever help to build a forest?
This is all wrong, she said to herself, looking down at the fragile pages laid out below her. We should have burnt these things. I'm just repeating everything which has come before.
"These children need parenting, and love," she said, out loud. They may also need the Force, but it isn't something to venerate above a simple need to belong. She closed the books with a slam. Things were going to be different.