Chapter 6: You're messed up
As soon as we wrapped up the wedding rehearsal, true to her word, Dani wanted us to talk so we went back to her room. Dani sat in silence for the first few minutes so I figured she probably expected me to start talking so I took a deep breath before trying to explain.
"Honey I didn't quite mean what I said down there. Brittany was the only person who got me until I met you is what I meant" I say.
"Don't lie Santana. I'm really not that dumb so don't pretend I've misinterpreted things when we both know damn well that I haven't" she states unamused.
"What Brittany and I had was complicated and that's mostly the reason I never told you about her in the beginning. I didn't want to hurt your feelings but at the end of the day if I'm totally honest then she meant a lot more to me than I let on" I admit.
"It's ok to have an ex Santana so I don't expect anything different but what really gets to me right now is all the lying" Dani says. "All you have to do is tell me and I'll understand but the way you have lied about it all doesn't make any sense."
"Like I have said multiple times, I didn't want to hurt you because you thought you were my first proper girlfriend" I state.
"I'm really not that weak though. I thought it was cute but I wasn't going to throw a tantrum if it turned out that I wasn't your first proper relationship" she replies.
"Look it was bad judgment on my part but please can we just move past this?" I ask.
"Not yet because I still believe there are things you haven't been telling me. I still don't think everything is adding up properly because no one would hide an entire relationship if it really wasn't that big a deal like you say" Dani sighs.
"What isn't adding up?" I ask starting to get frustrated that we keep needing to go over this situation.
"Well you said you haven't seen Brittany in over two years' and you say the last time was when you broke up, right?" she asks.
"That's right" I nod.
"Ok so what did Brittany mean by that you've had too many shitty goodbyes?" she asks.
"Well just that when we left things it never ended well" I reply.
"But she said goodbyes as in plural and you just said you only ever said goodbye once" Dani says raising an eyebrow.
"It was just a slip of the tongue probably because it was only one goodbye" I reply.
"That's funny actually because I asked your sister if she felt you and Brittany didn't end well and she said yes. Then she proceeded to say a few things and she said the exact same thing as Brittany by using the word goodbyes and not goodbye. Do you really think she also slipped up?" she questions.
"Well…uh" oh shit I completely messed up there.
"You're lying to me aren't you?" Dani shakes her head in disgust.
"Ok so we did see one another since the break-up" I sigh. "But we just argued the same as the last time we saw one another so it doesn't really matter how many times because it never ended well."
"It does matter because you just lied to me. I asked you point blank two seconds ago and you frigging lied right to my face" she replies angrily.
"The reason I lied is because I knew this would happen. We are about to get married so I didn't want anything to get in the way again. I would have told you the truth but I was afraid you'd put the wedding off and I don't want that" I say honestly.
"So a wedding is more important to you than being truthful?" she questions.
"You're twisting my words because that's not what I meant. I just love you so much and want to marry you so I didn't want to ruin this for you" I say while trying to take her hand but she just pushes mine away.
"You're digging a very big hole for yourself Santana and it's getting worse and worse" she states. "I don't want to go into a marriage where we lie so I am going to need to know everything before it."
"There's really not a lot left to tell and it's honestly nothing important" I assure her.
"But there's more to the story though?" she asks.
"Yeah" I nod.
"Let me guess each time you saw one another again you professed how much you loved one another, had sex and then fought the next day because you still couldn't work out how things were going to work?" she asks.
"In a nutshell that is pretty much how things played" I admit. "Obviously now that I'm with you then that's never going to happen again though."
"I should hope not" Dani states.
"Honey…" I can't finish my sentence since Dani interrupts me.
"Look let's not talk anymore right now because it's late and we've both had a bit to drink so we'll talk again tomorrow, ok?" Dani suggests.
"Ok fine" I shrug.
"It's best if you go back to your own room just now. Just come by my room about 10 tomorrow, ok?" she replies.
"Ok" I nod before leaving.
I do know I'm not being truthful to Dani but I just can't lose her. Brittany and I would never work together because we want different things so now that I have a chance to be happy with someone then I don't want to ruin it. I've made my fair share of shitty mistakes in the past so I just want to have a happy ending and I know I can do that with Dani. I know I'm coming across selfish but I'm not just doing it to be happy. I'm doing it because I know Dani loves me too and I don't want to hurt her which will happen if she knows the truth.
Friday 14th July 2017
As soon as it hit 10am, I went along to Dani's room and knocked on the door. She hadn't left it propped open for me so I had to wait a few minutes before she opened it. As soon as she let me inside, we went and sat down on the couch to talk.
"You know I love you, right?" I ask.
"I thought I did but I have been questioning it lately" she sighs in response. "I don't want to make a big deal of everything but it just seems you keep withholding things each time we talk so there's got to be a reason as to why you just never fully answer anything."
"Dani, I do love you" I assure her.
"Look this isn't really what we're meant to be talking about right now so let's move on" she says.
"Ok sure" I nod in agreement.
"I want to hear everything I don't know yet before tomorrow" she states. "I cannot have any more lies Santana; that is not an ok thing to do going into a marriage."
"Ok" I sigh. "I'll tell you the rest."
"Good" she nods while getting comfortable so she can listen to me.
I begin at the very first thing that I had left out before which was two months after Brittany and I broke up, she came to see me. I was at home in Ohio visiting my parents when Brittany had a show nearby so she swung by. I was mad at first but I was still not over her so we hooked up and things ended up in a tearful goodbye.
Before I even get a chance to move onto the next time we saw each other, Dani is interrupting me to ask me something.
"Do you still love her?" Dani asks looking at me.
"Well…I mean…she's Brittany you know" I say.
"No I don't know Santana" Dani shakes her head. "You've just told me more of the story of you two and it's like I was listening to a different person."
"What are you talking about?" I ask.
"The way you are when you talk about her is so different. I can see it in your eyes that you light up every time you mention her name" she says.
"That's not true Dani" I shake my head. "I care about her but I don't light up every time we talk about her or anything like that."
"Just tell me, do you love Brittany?" Dani asks getting frustrated.
"Dani, come on" I say still shaking my head.
"If you really care for me then you'll be honest right now" she states, looking me straight in the eyes.
"I'm sorry, I…" I say beginning to get teary.
"Just tell me" Dani states.
"Yes" I sigh, "yes I'm still in love with Brittany."
"Finally the actual truth comes out and we stop jumping around it" Dani says beginning to clap her hands.
"I really didn't want to hurt you Dani" I say honestly. "It doesn't mean that I don't love you though because I really do" I say desperately trying to reassure her.
"We weren't even meant to spend today together, it was supposed to be each of us spending alone time with our families so if I hadn't asked you to come here this morning to talk you weren't going to tell me any of this were you?" she asks.
"Babe I just didn't want to upset you" I plead.
"Do you know what Santana, you're so fucking messed up" Dani shakes her head.
"What is that supposed to mean?" I ask annoyed.
"You've been lying to me, your friends, yourself and most probably Brittany" she replies.
"What exactly have I been lying about?" I ask.
"A lot of things actually but the most important one which is how you truly feel about Brittany" Dani replies.
"Just because I said I love her doesn't mean I would ever act on it" I state. "Plus love is a strong word so perhaps it wasn't the best answer I gave there."
"No that's probably been the best answer you've gave all week" she says seriously. "At least now I actually know that I'm not going completely insane."
XXX
"We can't get married tomorrow, we need to postpone this wedding" Dani says breaking the silence between us.
"No I don't want to do that, I want to marry you" I say desperately.
"We can still get married but it can't be right now because I think you need to work on some things first, don't you think?" she asks.
"Maybe but I really don't want to lose you Dani, I love you so much" I say.
"You won't lose me Santana as long as you are truthful from now on and that you work on a few things first. Like I say we can still get married but just not tomorrow" she smiles.
"Ok" I smile back. I have put her through a lot so I can wait. Just knowing we're ok now is good enough for me.
"I'd like to ask you one question though" she says hesitantly, "but I want no lies, you have to answer truthfully."
"Ok" I nod eagerly.
"When Brittany came back to town a couple of times after we had started dating, you never cheated on me, right?" she says.
"Babe…I…"
"No sorry, of course you wouldn't actually do that" she shakes her head. "I should have never asked you that because it's not fair. You've made a few mistakes but you're not an adulterer" she smiles before leaning in to kiss me.
"Dani, I'm sorry" I say starting to get a little teary again while pulling away from her.
"No…no you're not about to admit it, please tell me you're not" she says shaking her head, beginning to get upset.
"I did cheat on you and it wasn't just once" I admit while bursting into tears. I know I have a cheek being upset right now but seeing the look on her face knowing I made her that upset just about breaks my heart.
"I have done nothing but love you and be the best girlfriend I could ever be and you do this to me?" she questions upset.
"It wasn't because of you I did it, it was because of Brittany. She did things to me and I couldn't control myself around them" I admit.
"You should have been honest with me Santana at the time, really do you not even think you owed me that?" she asks.
"I do but I didn't want to lose you" I say honestly.
"Santana you were bound to lose me the second time you did it. I mean I don't condone cheating but I may have understood eventually after the first time but the minute you did it again should have rang alarm bells" she states. "You can't honestly think it was a good idea to repeat what you did to me. Did you not even care about me?"
"I do care about you but I'm telling you, Brittany is like a drug to me. I can't resist her as much as I really want to" I sigh. "As soon as we got engaged though nothing ever happened after that."
"You can't honestly think you love and care for me when you can just jump into bed with an ex. If you really did feel anything for me, you'd tell Brittany about me but you didn't" she says, "and before you lie, Ava told me that you never once mentioned me to Brittany and she only found out about the wedding through social media."
"Wow, isn't Ava just a little chatterbox this weather" I shake my head.
"I'm glad she was actually because I was getting nowhere asking you myself" Dani says before shaking her head, "anyway that's not the point right now."
"Look I don't know how to tell you how sorry I really am" I say at a loss. I've hurt her so bad and now I don't know how to make things up to her.
"You don't need to say anything anymore because not only is this wedding over Santana but we're over" Dani states angrily.
"Wait what do you mean?" I ask panicked.
"I mean what I say, we're over" she shrugs.
"Surely I can make it up to you. I mean I know you'll need time but we're meant to be together" I tell her.
"We're not anymore and I realise that now" she says. "You and Brittany are meant to be together."
"That's not true" I state.
"I can see it in her eyes that she's still madly in love with you and she's never going to give up on you" she replies. "That and the fact you could cheat with her on multiple occasions should really tell you something Santana."
"That's great for her if she still likes me but I don't feel like that about Brittany. I feel like that about you" I say honestly. "I may still love her a little but I'm in love with you."
"You cheated on me Santana, what makes you think I'm going to believe anything else you say?" she asks.
"Please just don't do this Dani, I don't want to lose you" I plead.
"Santana I can't be with you knowing what you've done. I may have eventually got over the lies and things but cheating is on another level and I can't be with someone who can cheat on me" Dani states.
"So we're really over?" I ask.
"Yeah, we really are" Dani nods. I know I can't blame her after what I've done but it doesn't mean I'm not still hurt too.
XXX
"Hey honey, Brittany and I were just hanging out if you want to join us" Ava smiles as I walk into my hotel room.
"I don't thank you very much" I state.
"What's wrong, you seem angry about something" Brittany says walking over to me.
"I am angry actually so well done for guessing" I snap.
"Come on, that wasn't needed Santana. Brittany just wanted to make sure you were ok" Ava points out.
"Well I'm not ok so can you both please leave me alone?" I ask, tears threatening to fall from my eyes.
"Santana, what's wrong?" Brittany asks worriedly while pulling me into a hug.
"Dani found out the truth about us and she not only cancelled tomorrow but she broke up with me and never wants to see me again" I say sobbing into Brittany's shoulder.
"Oh god honey" she says squeezing me tighter to comfort me.
"I know what I did was wrong but you and I both kinda resolved things last night so you were happy to let me go and I really love Dani so I don't see why should had to be so rash" I say.
"Cheating is never something you can just forgive" Ava points out. "I know this isn't what you want to hear but a lot of people never actually forgive it so if you really still love her then you need to give her time."
"I really never meant to hurt her like this" I say.
"We know that but it doesn't change what happened, you do need to give her time to think and then maybe you can speak to her again" Ava replies.
Saturday 15th July 2017
It's supposed to be my wedding day today but it's not since Dani wanted to cancel it so I'm basically just sitting in my hotel room moping around feeling sorry for myself. I know Ava told me to give Dani some time but I think I need to speak to her before we leave today. Just as I'm getting myself ready, someone knocks at the door so I rush over to open it hoping it might be Dani.
"Oh it's you" I say disappointedly when I see it's Brittany at the door.
"Sorry to disappoint you but I'm here to see Ava" she replies.
"Ava isn't here right now. She went downstairs to order some breakfast" I tell her.
"Well she told me to meet her this morning so can I come in and wait?" Brittany asks.
"Sure" I nod before moving out of the way to let her inside.
"Thanks" she smiles as she walks in.
"So what are you and Ava up to then?" I ask while beginning to get ready again.
"Nothing exciting, I just needed her opinion on a few things" she replies.
"Cool" I shrug. It was a little vague of a response so I didn't want to push it anymore in case she didn't want to talk about it.
"Santana I just want you to know that I'm not going to cause you any trouble now that you and Dani are going through a rough patch" she tells me.
"Ok, thank you" I reply.
"I realise now the severity of all of this so you can trust me Santana. I am not going to ruin things with you and Dani. I can see you don't want me so I'm not staying to win you back. I am staying because I actually have some business to attend to here and I also want to make sure you're ok" Brittany says and I can tell she's genuine.
"I know and for what it's worth, I'm glad you're here because you know how to calm me down and right now I need to be calm if my plan is going to work to get Dani to see how much she means to me" I reply.
"Oh have you got a plan to win her back?" Brittany asks.
"Yeah I mean I haven't thought it out properly but I roughly know what I could do" I say. "I get even more nervous when I overthink things so I'm just going to go to her room and tell her the truth and how much she really means to me."
"I guess that's all you really can do" Brittany nods.
"I'm worried though that she might just slam the door in my face and not want to talk to me" I admit.
"You'll just need to talk through the door then and hope she listens" Brittany replies.
"I suppose" I nod.
"Look why don't I walk you to her room to give you some support but once we get there and I'll go and hide" Brittany offers.
"What about Ava?" I ask.
"It doesn't seem like she's coming back any time soon but if she does then she'll just need to wait for me" she replies.
"Well if you don't mind walking me then I'd like that because I like I say I'll overthink things if I'm nervous and that's going to happen if I'm alone in my own thoughts" I say.
"Do you want to go now then?" she asks.
"Yeah" I nod.
XXX
Once I knocked on Dani's door, she actually did open it and hear me out to begin with. She didn't let me go inside but at least she was giving me to the chance to talk. I'm still talking just now but I can see her attention has somewhat shifted to somewhere behind me.
"What are you looking at?" I ask getting distracted by her looking elsewhere.
"Do you know you might have convinced me eventually but now that I see her hovering around in the background I know there's no chance of a reconciliation between us" Dani states while shaking her head. Shit she has obviously seen Brittany and thinks something is going on.
"No she's just here in the hotel still to attend to some business and she really does want to help me get you back" I say honestly.
"Is that what she told you because it looks like the business she needs to attend to is getting you back?" she asks. "Not once have I saw Brittany leave this hotel so what exactly is she attending to when she's sunbathing out by the pool?"
"Well…uh…" I don't know what to say.
"Open your eyes Santana and see that she wants you back" she says before closing the door in my face.
I am actually beginning to think Brittany set me up to fail with Dani. She says she's not interested in me anymore and wishes me the best so what is she actually doing here. She is the one who suggested walking me to Dani's room and now look, Dani saw her. Dani also has a point when she says she hasn't actually left the hotel that we know of so maybe there is no business to sort out.
"Thanks a lot" I glare at Brittany while promptly walking past her.
"How did it go?" she asks while quickly following me along the corridor.
"It didn't go because she saw you lingering around so refused to hear me out properly so thank you for that" I say annoyed.
"Oh I'm sorry, I tried to hide as best I could" Brittany states. "Look just don't take no for an answer anyway because we figured it might not work so try again later."
"I think it's best you leave me alone" I glare at her before closing the door to my room before she can follow me inside.
"Santana come on, open up" she says knocking on the door.
"I don't want to talk to you right now Brittany…or any other time" I say mumbling the last part.
"Fine" she says after a second and then I hear her footsteps fade.
"What's going on, I thought Brittany was helping you devise a plan to get Dani to talk to you?" Ava asks walking out of the bathroom. I'm guess she just came out of the shower because all she is wearing is a towel. "She texted me that she'll just come by this afternoon to talk to me instead of just now since she was helping you so where is she?"
"So did I think she was helping until I realised she played me" I state.
"Wait what?" Ava frowns in confusion.
"It doesn't matter right now, I just want to lie down" I say while walking over to my bed and crawling under the covers. I know I love Brittany but I can't put myself through what happened before and she knows that so I don't know why she'd still try to get back with me.
I know things haven't moved forward just yet but I couldn't just skim over Dani and Santana breaking up. The next chapter will definitely get things moving and there'll be more Brittana.