Chapter 11: Heartbreak
Santana's POV
Brittany and I are anxiously waiting on the doctor finishing up the tests on Brittany. I have no idea what's going on but what I do know is that it doesn't look good. The doctor has barely said anything but she doesn't look very happy. Brittany hasn't said anything either, she is just sitting with a blank expression across her face. I have a tight hold of her hand and I'm absolutely terrified but I want to stay strong for Brittany because if it is bad news I know she's going to be very upset.
"Are you almost done because the quietness is unsettling and it's making things feel worse?" I ask looking at the doctor.
"Yes I'm almost there" she replies.
"Ok" I nod. After a few more seconds the doctor speaks up again.
"I'm sorry Brittany but I'm finding it difficult to locate a heartbeat, I'm afraid you've had a miscarriage" the doctor replies sympathetically.
"Oh god" I say shaking my head. "Are you absolutely sure?" I ask.
"I am, I'm sorry" the doctor replies.
"I need to go home" Brittany says while sorting her clothes and jumping off the table. She's talking as if nothing has happened.
"Honey let's just take a second" I say.
"Why?" she shrugs looking at me. "I'm not pregnant anymore so I don't need to stick around" she says while heading to the door.
"Brittany wait a second please" the doctor says. "I understand you're upset but I need to talk to you about a few things before you go."
"I'm not upset, I'm fine" she shrugs. I don't know who she's trying to fool or why she's pretending like everything is ok.
"I still need to talk to you Brittany" the doctor replies.
"Ok, fine" Brittany sighs while sitting down.
"You've had an incomplete miscarriage Brittany which means…"
"I know what it means thank you" Brittany states interrupting the doctor.
"Ok well I'd still like to say a few things about it" the doctor says. "Ok so there's still some tissue left in your uterus at the moment but I think the best way forward is to just let it pass on it's own. Usually these things don't need any further intervention but if you are still bleeding and have cramping after 7-14 days then I would like you to come back and see me."
"Will you have to treat it if that happens?" I ask.
"In most cases it will pass on it's own but sometimes women do need medication or surgery if the body struggles to pass it on it's own" the doctor replies.
"Ok I understand" I nod. "Are you listening Britt?" I ask when I realise she isn't paying attention.
"Like I said, I know what an incomplete miscarriage is" Brittany states.
"Ok" I say squeezing her hand in reassurance.
"I would also like you to take a home pregnancy test in a few weeks to double check that you're not pregnant" the doctor advises. "If it does indicate you are still pregnant then please come and see me as soon as possible."
"Ok" Brittany sighs.
"Also if you need any support then don't hesitate to get in touch with us. We have a great counselling team here if you need…"
"No that won't be necessary" Brittany shakes her head.
"Ok" the doctor nods.
"Can I go now?" Brittany asks.
"Yes you can" the doctor smiles.
"Thank you" I say and then we leave.
"That wasn't exactly the day out I thought we would have today" Brittany sighs as we walk along the corridor.
"I know babe" I say sadly while squeezing her hand. "Come on, let's go home" I say while leading her out to the car.
As soon as we get into the car, I drive straight home. Brittany doesn't say a thing the whole drive back to the apartment, she just sits with her head leaning against the window. Every time I open my mouth to talk, I quickly close it again because I doubt I'd say the right thing.
Once we get into the apartment, Brittany goes over to the couch and sits down. She doesn't say anything she just puts her feet up on the table and leans her head back, taking a deep breath.
"We didn't have any lunch earlier, can I make you something to eat?" I ask walking over to her.
"I'm not hungry right now but you have something" she replies quietly.
"Ok" I nod. I've been feeling a bit light headed since we left the hospital so I quickly make myself a sandwich. "Are you sure I can't even get you a snack or something, like maybe some fruit?"
"No thank you" she shakes her head.
"Ok" I reply.
"I think I might just go for a lie down if you don't mind" she says while standing up from the couch.
"No that's fine" I smile.
"Ok" she says before heading off to her room.
As soon as I'm finished my lunch, I tidy up and then decide to check on Brittany. When I walk into the room, I see her lying in bed with her back to the door. I quietly walk over and lie on the bed behind her. I wrap my arms around her and kiss the side of her cheek.
"I hate this feeling" she mumbles.
"I know, me too" I reply. I've been through some hard times before but I've never lost a baby and it's one of the most horrible things.
"I knew something bad was going to happen because I was just too happy" Brittany sighs. "I finally had you and we were living together and I was having a baby which I always wanted so I knew something bad would happen because life is not always this good."
"Honey…" I hug her tighter. I don't know how to handle this right now because whatever I say isn't going to make a difference right now because she has just lost a baby.
"Life really sucks sometimes" she shakes her head.
"Tell me about it" I mumble.
"You don't need to lie with me you know, I'll be fine" she states.
"I want to make sure you're ok so I'm going to stay" I tell her.
"Well I'm not ok, I've just lost my baby" she replies.
"I know so I want to comfort you and try to help in any way that I can" I say honestly.
"I don't think anything can help me right now" she says while moving out of my hold to sit upright on the bed. I move too and put my arm around her.
"Maybe not but I don't think being left alone is a good idea either because you'll end up replaying it in your mind and that'll make you feel worse" I say.
"Can I ask you a question?" she asks.
"Yeah of course" I nod.
"Are you happy?" she asks looking at me.
"What in general or…?" I ask.
"Yeah in general, are you happy with me or did you just settle for me because it was too hard to get Dani back?" she asks.
"Of course I'm happy with you Brittany. Dani was never right for me and I was only with her because I didn't think I could have you. I tried to settle for her because I didn't think you and I could be together but we can" I say honestly.
"If you are happy with me then why have you been acting off with me at times?" she asks and I frown in confusion because I didn't think I had been. "One minute we're fine and the next you pull away from me and seem awkward."
"I didn't know I was doing that, I'm sorry" I say genuinely.
"You're sitting in bed with me right now but had I asked you to do that last night then you'd have probably said no" she states.
"I don't see why I wouldn't sit in bed with you" I frown in confusion.
"You pulled away from me the other night when we were kissing and you told me it's best we don't share a room right now. I definitely think you would have said no" she replies.
"Brittany I just wanted us to take things slow because I don't want to rush anything. I want us to have time to enjoy the little things again instead of just jumping straight back into things" I say honestly. I didn't mean to seem distant at times, I just wanted that fun feeling back where everything is new and exciting. We're getting another chance of being together so I want to cherish every moment of that.
"Deep down I don't think you wanted a baby with me" she says looking at me.
"That's not true" I shake my head. "I've always wanted kids, especially with you" I tell her.
"Yes but I don't think you wanted this baby with me right now" she states.
"I mean if you're asking if I was scared then yes I was but it doesn't mean I didn't want this" I point out.
"Tell me the truth, is a little part of you glad now that there's no baby?" she asks.
"Like hell I'm glad Brittany, how could you ask me something like that?" I question annoyed. Ok saying something like that is a step too far.
"Because deep down you didn't really want all this, you just wanted me" she replies.
"I'll admit I was struggling but I would never wish anyone to miscarry, god Brittany" I say shaking my head.
"Then why are you all over me now that you know I'm not pregnant" she states.
"Seriously what is your problem?" I ask while glaring at her.
"Answer the question please" she states.
"I'm not all over you, I am trying to comfort you because it was very sad what happened today" I say honestly.
"You were barely interested in me when I was pregnant and now that I'm not you're getting closer to me than we've even been in years" she states.
"I just said I am trying to comfort you" I say shaking my head getting annoyed with this conversation. I know Brittany is upset but what she's saying isn't fair.
"Just you keep telling yourself that" she says cheekily.
"I lost that baby too Brittany, it wasn't just you" I snap.
"You were never that into the baby though when we got together. Any time I tried to talk about it, you went quiet or changed the subject" she states.
"I'm 22 Brittany, I hadn't planned on being a mother that young so yes I did struggle a little but it didn't mean I didn't want the baby" I tell her honestly.
"Why did you not just tell me that then?" she asks.
"You know I'm not good at talking about how I feel" I state.
"Yes but this wasn't solely about you and me anymore. There was a baby involved so you should have tried to talk about it" Brittany replies.
"Look its all ifs and buts now. We can't change how I handled things but what we need to do now is find a way through this together" I tell her.
"I know but right now I'm pissed and upset so I don't know if I want to keep talking about things" she says taking a deep breath.
"Ok so does that mean you want me to give you some space right now?" I ask.
"Yeah" she nods.
"Ok, I'll be in the living room if you need me" I say while getting off the bed.
The last few days have been quite awkward between Brittany and I. I've tried to give her space to process things but it's been hard because all I want to do is hug her when she's upset. I know maybe I haven't dealt with things the right way when we first got together but I never wanted the baby gone. Eventually I would have been more comfortable with things and I would have loved that baby like I loved Brittany.
I've just finished work and I'm now parking the car outside of our apartment. I can't say I'm looking forward to going inside because I hate the awkwardness between Brittany and me. We've talked a little about things that we need to discuss since we live together but it hasn't been that meaningful. It's mostly just 'are you finished in the bathroom' or 'can I make you some dinner'.
As soon as I walked into the apartment, Brittany is standing with her back to me while leaning over writing something on a notepad on the table. When something catches my eye in the corner, my heart starts beating faster in fear.
"Oh my god, you're leaving me?" I ask shocked as I notice Brittany's suitcase by the door and what I'm guessing is a goodbye note on the table.
"Jesus, you gave me a fright" Brittany says spinning around to face me while clutching her chest. "I didn't even hear you come in the door."
"Brittany don't make such a rash decision like this right now. We can talk things through and you'll understand my point of view on everything that's happened" I say while rushing over to her to stop her from leaving.
"Santana just relax please" she says while taking my hand in hers.
"I can't relax if you're leaving me" I say feeling panicked.
"Honey I am leaving but it's only for a few days and I'm not leaving you" she states.
"Oh" I say embarrassed feeling a bit of a fool.
"I need to go to New York to check on the progress with the hotel" she replies.
"Let me come with you then" I say.
"Santana I will come back" she says trying to reassure me.
"What if you don't" I say scared.
"Santana I'm not that stupid" she shakes her head. "I love you and I'm not going anywhere with regards us. This is purely a business thing."
"Ok" I nod.
"That doesn't mean I'm not still upset and confused about this whole thing" she admits.
"I get that" I reply.
"Like I say though, you and I are still together. We're just going through a rough patch right now but I'm sure we'll figure it out" she says optimistically.
"So when are you leaving?" I ask.
"Right now, that's why I was writing a note because I couldn't wait any longer until you got home. My flight is really soon so I need to get going" she replies.
"Ok well let me grab a bottle of water for the ride and I'll drive you" I say while running over to the fridge.
"It's ok, I have a cab waiting on me outside" she tells me.
"Oh" I say sadly. I thought if I took her to the airport then it'd give us some time to talk on the way there. Maybe clear the air slightly before she leaves for a few days.
"I've already put my phone on flight mode so I'll give you a call when I land" she says.
"Yes please make sure you do" I say.
"I will but do get some sleep because it'll be in the middle of the night when I get there" she smiles. "So…uh…can I get a hug please?" she asks nervously.
"Of course" I smile before hugging her tightly. "I'll see you soon" I tell her.
"Yeah, goodbye" she says pulling out of the hug before picking up her bags. I then walk her out to the cab and we quickly kiss before she gets in and gets driven away.
After making myself something to eat and taking a quick shower since it was a long day at work, I relax in front of the TV. I'm scared if I go to bed then I might miss Brittany calling so I decide it's better to just cuddle up on the sofa.
I must have dosed off for a little bit because one minute I'm dreaming of something then the next my phone starts vibrating in my lap. I quickly sit up and look at my phone. As soon as I see it's Brittany, I pick it up right away.
"Hello" I answer.
"Hey it's me, I'm just calling to say I landed safely" Brittany replies. "I can't talk long though because I've got a meeting at the hotel right away. You'd think they'd let me sleep a little or something first but apparently not."
"Already, isn't it like 5am or something where you are?" I ask surprised.
"It is but it's quieter to have a meeting early before the morning rush" she replies.
"Ok well can I call you later then?" I ask.
"Yeah that'll be fine, I'll speak to you later" she replies and then we both hang up. I'm satisfied now that Brittany has landed ok so I think I'm just going to head to bed and get some sleep before work.
Brittany's POV
I've just finished my meeting at the hotel so I'm making my way up to my room to rest for a little while. Late in the afternoon, I'm finally going to sign the papers to say I own part of the hotel so I'm happy now that things seem to be moving at an appropriate pace. The only thing about now and then is that I have too much time alone which is only going to make me think about everything that's going on at home.
I know how I've been treating Santana is wrong but I can't help feeling this way. She was always so awkward when we talked about the baby and now it's not here she's all over me. Its fine to comfort someone but this feels more than that.
I love Santana so much and I obviously still wants us to be together, I just hope this feeling goes away soon because it's driving a wedge between us. We took long enough to get back together so I don't want any more delays.
Just as I'm about to lie down, I figure I might as well go and see if my mom is home. I don't think I was going to sleep anyway since I would be alone with just my thoughts so visiting my mom might help. If she isn't at home then I guess I'll just need to come back here. I quickly text her and luck seems to be on my side because she is at home. I quickly get ready and then go straight over there.
"So how are you sweetheart?" she asks while sitting down next to me and placing a cup of coffee in front of me.
"I guess I'm better than yesterday but still not great" I say honestly. My mom already knows about the miscarriage because I called her later that day that it happened.
"It will take time to feel better, it's only natural to be sad at this stage" she tells me.
"Can I ask you a question?" I say.
"You can ask me anything, I'm your mom and I'm here to help you" she smiles.
"Do you think Santana wanted that baby with me?" I ask. "Be truthful please" I say.
"Yes I do" my mom nods. "I was talking to her mom over the phone the other day and from what I heard she was pretty sad about losing the baby" she admits.
"She doesn't open up to me and I have this feeling she didn't want a baby right now" I say.
"From what her mom said it sounded like she was just scared but it didn't mean she was having doubts" she replies. "Santana is 22 Brittany and you're 26. I mean I know there's not a big age gap but at 22 did you want a baby?" she asks.
"At 22 I was trying to get Santana into bed" I laugh before quickly frowning when I realise I said that aloud.
"I didn't need to know that" my mom laughs.
"Sorry but anyway I think I get your point" I say.
"Honey from what I can see, you and Santana are only truly happy when you're together so don't let your mind run away from you. You were pregnant before you two got back together and she was willing to be a mom to that baby even though she was nothing to do with the process so to me that shows me just how much she cared" my mom says.
"I know and I'm not breaking up with her or anything like that. I guess I'm still just upset and projecting my feelings onto her because I don't know how else to handle them" I say honestly. "I can see she doesn't deserve that so as soon as I get home I'll make it up to her."
"Do you know I still can't get used to you saying LA is home" my mom smiles. "I know you travelled a lot but I always thought at the bottom of it all New York was your home."
"New York was good to me but I think LA is where I need to be now. It's giving Santana and me a whole new life and we need that, there's too many bad memories in New York. Don't get me wrong there's good ones too but in LA we can start completely fresh" I reply.
"I know and who knows, maybe your dad and I will move there too sometime" she smiles.
"Don't tease me like that mom" I tell her. I would love it more than anything if I could have my parents closer.
"I'm not teasing, we're actually thinking about it but obviously we have jobs and things here so it's not like immediately if we were to move" she replies honestly.
"I understand" I smile.
"Anyway, what's your plans for today?" she asks.
"I've got some hotel business to attend to and then a few other things to do over the next few days and then I fly back" I tell her. "Actually I think I better head back now because there's something I want to check before I speak to my lawyer this afternoon."
"Ok well we'll keep in touch" she smiles before hugging.
"Of course we will" I smile back. "I'll visit again before I head back to LA."
"Sounds good, I'll see you soon" she says and then I get ready and leave.
Being the nosy person I am, I want to go by Santana's apartment and see if anyone is living there now. I don't mean I'm going to go in there, I just want to see if there's any indication from the outside. Firstly though I'm going to get some coffee because I'm starting to feel sleepy and I don't have time for a nap anymore.
As soon as I get the coffee and I'm walking along the street, my heart starts beating faster with nerves. Straight in front of me walking in the opposite direction is Dani and I don't know what to do because there's nowhere to hide. She could look up any second and then she'd see me and I'd…oh shit she's seen me.
"Brittany Pierce" she smirks. "Where's the bestie, is she not with you today?" she asks.
"If you mean Santana then no, she's not here right now" I reply feeling slightly awkward.
"Speaking of her, I see you and her are together now" Dani states.
"Who told you that?" I ask nervously. I don't know if it's my place to confirm it or not because she's Santana's ex, not mine.
"Just some friends of mine that happen to still follow Santana on social media" she replies.
"I see" I nod in understanding.
"So it's true then?" she asks.
"What exactly did they see on social media?" I ask avoiding Dani's question. I mean I know Santana is always on twitter or Instagram but I didn't think she posted anything of me that would indicate we're together.
"Apparently she has posted a lot of her new roomie Brittany" she says.
"Well I am living with Santana at the moment" I tell her.
"Look I don't speak to Santana anymore so just tell me the truth, are you two together now?" she asks.
"Look…" I take a deep breath. "Santana and I weren't together that day in New York when you came to collect your stuff from the apartment but we are now, yes" I admit.
"Ok" she nods. I know she's still hurt by it by the look on her face but I don't think I should lie anymore.
"Neither one of us meant to hurt you in any of this" I say honestly. "I feel terrible about the way things have happened but I can't change the past now, we just need to look forward."
"You're not to blame in all of this, it's Santana" she states. "You didn't know I existed when Santana cheated with you but Santana knew what she was doing. You also didn't lie about loving Santana but she lied to me about you. She said she'd marry me and led me up the garden path when she didn't give a shit about me. You fought for what you wanted which was Santana and I admire that whereas Santana lied to both of us" she says angrily.
"Dani I know she hurt you but she did care about you" I say honestly. "The reason things went on so long is because she didn't want to hurt you but it unfortunately backfired."
"You can say what you want but Santana is a messed up individual" Dani states. "She'll hurt you eventually too" she says shaking her head.
"Like I say I know she hurt you but I'm not going to stand here and let you talk about her like that. Deep down Santana is the most amazing person you could ever meet and she was only trying to do what was best for you two even though it was misguided" I say.
"Do you know what, you two deserve each other? Honestly its ridiculous" she says shaking her head and laughing like it's absurd that Santana and I want to be together.
"I'm leaving now" I say while walking off. I don't need to listen to her bitterness anymore.
I'm sitting at the airport bored, waiting until I can get on my flight. I've got some time to kill so I'm just browsing on my phone when I get a text from Santana. I quickly open it and see what she has texted me.
From Santana: let me pick you up from the airport tonight
To Santana: the flight is delayed so I don't know when I'll get there. I don't want you to have to wait around so I'll just get a cab.
From Santana: no I want to pick you up
To Santana: ok fine
From Santana: if you're not there when I arrive then I'll go to the café and get some coffee and wait there
To Santana: ok
From Santana: my battery is dying a little so I better save it but I'll be there, ok
To Santana: see you later
Once we both stop texting, I just go back to browsing stuff on my phone. It's nothing in particular, I'm just trying to pass the time. Eventually I do get to board the plane which I'm really thankful about. What I'm not thankful about is the people sitting next to me or behind me. The idiots behind keep pushing my seat forward and the ones beside me think it's ok to elbow me and snore in my ear. I would have upgraded if I had the time but it was a last minute flight because I wasn't expecting to go to New York so soon so I booked the cheapest deal I could which would get me there and back as quickly as possible.
The minute I step off the plane, I rush to get outside because I just want to see Santana and get home.
"Hey" Santana smiles when I walk over to her.
"Hi" I reply while engulfing her in a big hug. "It's only been 3 days but I've missed you so much" I tell her honestly.
"I've missed you too, you have no idea" she says hugging me back tightly. We silently hug for a few moments before both pulling away.
"So where are you parked?" I ask.
"I found a space right outside so it's really not a far walk" she tells me taking a hold of my suitcase. "Let me get this for you" she says while pulling the case along.
"Thank you" I smile.
"Did you eat on the plane?" she asks.
"I didn't and I'm starving so what do you say we stop off and pick up some pizza on the way back" I say.
"Sounds like a good plan to me" she smiles.
Once we pick up some pizza, we head straight home. I throw my bags into my room, quickly change into something more comfortable and then meet Santana in the living room.
"Now that we're home and alone, maybe we should talk" she says while sitting down on the couch next to me while grabbing a slice of pizza.
"I agree" I nod. "Firstly though I just want to apologise for some of the things I said and the way I was treating you, it wasn't right" I say honestly.
"You have nothing to apologise for, it was me" Santana states.
"No I overreacted about the situation because I was upset" I say while moving closer to her.
"No you were right, I really wasn't ready for a baby" she replies. "I mean I do want kids with you, don't get me wrong. I just wasn't ready for them now and every time you mentioned the pregnancy it reminded me of us having a baby and I got scared."
"It's ok" I assure her. I mean I do understand because this was all me that made that decision before we got back together.
"It's not ok because that was an innocent baby and it was your baby" she says.
"Santana don't beat yourself up about this, it's honestly ok" I tell her.
"I was scared we wouldn't be us anymore when the baby came. I was so happy to be back together with you but at the same time I was worried we would change because we would be parents. We wouldn't be those young girls in love and having fun anymore" she says.
"I understand that" I say honestly because I do.
"I fell in love with you Brittany because of who you were and you fell for me because of who I was. I was worried that if the baby came before we got a chance to fully get back to where we used to be then we might never get there because we would have changed" she admits.
"Let's move on from this because it'll only annoy us if we keep thinking about it and going over things" I say.
"Ok" she nods. "We will have children one day though whenever the time is right, I promise" she tells me.
"I know" I smile.