Yusei and I sit in silence for a while on the park bench. I'm struggling to find something to say. What do I say? What can I say? Finding a place to start is the hardest part. Four years without as much as a conversation. I notice that Yusei is looking at my face, I should probably break my habit of biting my lips. He must be waiting until I'm ready to talk.
"Honestly, I have no idea where to start." I offer up a nervous smile as I rub my arms, it's gotten quite chilly. To be quite honest, I find that Yusei's presence is distracting. It almost feels foreign, like my mind can barely comprehend the fact that I'm actually talking to Yusei right now. His aura is almost overwhelming, but not in the way Raiden's aura is. Raiden's aura burns red hot, any form of contact is electrifying. My skin tingles even thinking about it. Yusei's aura is softer, almost like being surrounded in a warm embrace. I'm still not used to the feel of his aura though. It's still a bit stifling.
"Who were you dueling earlier? Shinji told me that his name is Kaoru." Okay, that starting point I can deal with.
"That was my brother."
"Your brother? But I thought-" Confusion is evident on his face.
"Well, turns out that the woman I thought was my mother wasn't actually my mother, and I've had family in the City the whole time." It's been four years since I've discovered this, but still my heart breaks a little every time I remember it.
"Really? That's great." I imagine that would sound amazing to someone who is actually an orphan. To have a family, to belong.
"Not really, being from the Satellite and a psychic in this City aren't exactly good traits to have. I never really got along with my birth mother, so I left." I shrug my shoulders. I try not to feel the pain that this discussion normally brings up. "That's why I ran away from you at the Fortune Cup. I saw my brother and I panicked. I'm sorry."
"Yuuka, it's ok-"
"No!" My voice is louder than I want it to be. I don't know where it comes from. "Don't you understand? If I hadn't run away then, I wouldn't have gone to the Satellite looking for you." The words keep coming out of my mouth. "I wouldn't have let myself believe Kiryu's lies. I wouldn't have," I can feel tears starting to burn my eyes, "I wouldn't have become a Dark Signer!" There it is, what I've been trying to avoid for the last two months. I'm a stupid coward, that's what I am. I clench my fists to try stop them shaking. "I'm so sorry." I can't bear to look at Yusei so I stare at my hands in the lap instead. "I ruined everything. It's all my fault." I unclench my fists as tears fall and start to seep into my gloves. I stare at my hands as they shake. They haven't been this bad in a long time. Strangely, no memories are passing through my head, just an unshakable guilt. I can't imagine how he could ever forgive me, how we could move past this.
I close my eyes as more tears start to roll down my face. My body shakes with the weight of my guilt. I join my hands together in the hopes of getting the shaking to stop. Just as I do, Yusei grabs my hands in his own. My eyes dart up to his face. I try to blink the tears away. I can't help but stare into his eyes. I can't believe he's still doing this after all these years. Every time my hands used to shake when we were kids, he used to hold my hands like this until they stopped shaking.
"No, you didn't." My hands have started to steady. "It's okay, I forgive you." I let out the breath I didn't know I was holding. I believe him. There's a softness to his eyes that makes my heart flutter. But still, no matter how many times he may say that, that dream will still haunt me. I almost don't want him to forgive me. That would be letting me off easy, avoiding the issue entirely. I was wrong, I tried to actually kill him. Why won't he acknowledge that?
"You do, but I don't think I can forgive myself." I can imagine Yusei's response already. I try to change the subject. "Besides, why did you show up today? I know it wasn't a coincidence that you just happened to be there."
"Your friend Shinji got in touch with me. He said that you were having some trouble, and he thought that I was the only person that could help." I nod at him. I'm at a loss for what to say. I wonder if Shinji said anything more than that. "You're lucky to have friends like that."
"I suppose you're right." A small smile manages to break out on my face. Shinji and Reika are pretty good friends to have. "Though, I've always had good friends." It takes my eyes meeting Yusei's to make me realise what I've just said. Horrendously cheesy nonsense. He's probably thinking that I'm trying to come onto him or something, oh no. "Enough about me, have you seen much of Jack and Crow lately?" Good, that'll take the attention off me and what happened between us.
"Actually, we've found a place in the City and we're living together again."
"Wow, it must feel like the good ol' days." I want to be happy for them, but a part of me is sad to hear this. It seems like they've found some normality. Meanwhile, I'm stuck in purgatory, struggling for a chance at freedom. While I'm connected to Black Flag, I'll never be normal. I think back to what Shinji asked me. We could leave, but it won't be that easy. "That must be nice."
"Yeah, but it's still not same." He smiles, for a second I believe that it means that it's not the same without me. We sit in silence for a while again. I've calmed down a good bit. As long as I don't start crying again, I'll be good. I think getting that out of my system has made me feel a bit better. That's the problem of being surrounded by people who, in terms of experience with the supernatural, are for all intents and purposes are normal. No one would believe me, so I can tell no one. If I told someone, I would probably end up in a straitjacket.
I stare at the sky, there's no stars tonight. I feel less nostalgic than I imagined. We did this all the time back in the Satellite. I wonder how Yusei is feeling right now. His aura is hard to read. I wonder if he's feeling nostalgic. I turn to Yusei again. Looking at his face gives me the impression that I've forgotten something. I don't remember what happened after my duel with him. I just woke up where we had dueled and sobbed until someone found me. I know that more happened, I just can't remember it. Judging by how Yusei's acting, something definitely happened. Maybe it was something I said, or something I did. I just hope it wasn't something stupid that could possibly ruin our friendship or anything. That feeling manages to give me a shiver down my spine.
"We should probably get out of the cold." I'm not particularly cold, but okay. I nod anyway.
We don't talk as we walk back. I can tell that Yusei's mind is going ninety. I'm confident that if I listen closely, I would actually hear the gears turning in his head. The longer I leave it, the more awkward I'm convinced the silence feels. Maybe I should say something. I ask about Jack and Crow. Apparently, they still squabble as much as they did back then. That thought comforts me somehow. Jack has started refusing to get a job, which, in turn, has started to drive Crow up the wall. I laugh, it seems Crow is the sensible one. It's seems stranger when I realise that Jack would probably have the easiest time getting a job, you know with the whole 'not marked' thing.
It feels strange. I'm so close to reuniting with everyone, this is what I wanted. But, I feel like something is missing. I don't feel like I've accomplished anything, I feel like I've earned none of this. Raiden comes back into my mind. But, that just confuses me more. If Raiden knew I was here, he'd probably yell at me for a bit, then I'd cry and storm out. Maybe, that's the problem. He attempts to control everything in my life. Everything, from who I spend my time with to Black Flag. And I let him. Time and time again, I let him manipulate me. He's the reason I never went back to the Satellite. He fed the seeds of doubt back then. He confirmed my insecurities. I won't blame him for what happened. That blame is solely on my shoulders, but I won't deny Raiden played his part. Maybe, I should leave Raiden out of my life for good. I've told myself so many times that I should. But, I just can't. Something about him makes me keep coming back. Call it his charm, I guess. Sentiment, because he helped me when I was at my lowest. Well, second lowest now I suppose. Leaving Black Flag would be a stepping stone. Though, I doubt Raiden would let me. I suppose I could duel him if the time comes, no matter how dangerous it may be.
Then, I realise that Yusei and I have reached the Daimon Area already. I suppose I should really say something now. Despite how I'm feeling, I can't allow this to be the last time I see Yusei. No matter how much I want to run, I need to keep Yusei in my life if I ever want to 'recover'. I doubt I ever can, but it's best to have hope. Now, the problem is saying that without coming off as desperate. He's still deep in thought, only snapping out of it if we turn a corner. I wonder what has him like that. He could be thinking about anything, from me to his D-Wheel, though I feel the latter is more likely.
"You should come over sometime." Yusei says this as we stop outside my apartment building. He pauses for a beat before continuing. "I'm sure Jack and Crow would be happy to see you."
"Yeah, I'd like that." I smile. "I want to see them too." As a small smile starts to break out on Yusei's face, I can't help but stare at his lips. Nope. I am not adding 'kissing Yusei' to the very long list of bad decisions I've made in my life. "Wait, do you know how to get back from here?" I pray to whatever's up there that he didn't notice me staring at his lips. That would be infinitely awkward, and I don't want that.
"Yes, I'm fine. Where we're living isn't too far from where you work." It's strange, Yusei's been so close all this time, yet I've been none the wiser. Then again, why would Yusei, Jack or Crow go near a boutique in the first place?
"Oh good, well, goodnight then." I start to turn around to walk away. I can't help but feel like that in another lifetime, he might have walked me home after a date. We might have caught a film, had some dinner and then a kiss goodnight. You know, something normal. Not some desperate attempt from Shinji to get me out of my depression.
"Goodnight." Yusei nods slightly before he walks away. My gaze lingers on his back for a while as he gets further away. It's strange, I actually feel kind of happy. I almost don't feel alone in the world anymore. A lot has happened today. I feel like this day will change everything. A final gear slipping into place, causing everything to move in sync.
As I enter my apartment, I notice my phone onto the counter. I can't believe I forgot it. Then again, I only noticed now. I look through the various texts I've gotten today. None from Raiden, unusual. Just Shinji telling me to wait for him after work. Then, two numbers I don't recognise. A smile breaks out on my face. Emiko sent me a text saying that we should go shopping soon with a bunch of emojis, then signed off with her name. Kaoru's text is the stranger of the two, he wants to meet tomorrow at the park. I'm honestly a bit confused. Clearly, he's referring to the training he wants to help control his powers. The park is an odd choice, but I'll roll with it. I suppose it isn't the worst place to meditate. My mind comes back to the fact that Kaoru and I can hear each other's thoughts. It puzzles me, how is this possible? Most psychics who are telepaths find my mind difficult to read. Why was Kaoru able to do that without noticing? It's undoubtedly helpful. Maybe, that's what we need. I need to call Takumi. If I leave Black Flag, I'll be free to take up his offer. That is what this City needs. Maybe it's what I need to get out of my funk. But first, I'd need to face up to Raiden. Suddenly, that concept doesn't seem as scary. I'll have Kaoru and Shinji by my side, I don't need to be afraid. Maybe, with everyone by my side, I'll have a chance at freedom.