31. Losses

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Tom was sitting in the Captain quarters alone on the couch looking at the letter in front of him. Looking utterly hopeless, he had lost her. What was he going to do now? How could he live on when he felt his heart like a stone in his chest, heavy and suffocating. With small stabs going through him as he thought about the moment.

He was sitting by her side with their kids. Holding her hand as he met her gaze and saw that she knew it wouldn't be long. Cursing in his mind that she was dying and they couldn't even comfort her in the end as they were fully suited in hazmat suits. He didn't even notice when Rachel had come beside them to administer the morphine to ease her suffering. It wouldn't be long now. And he remembered the moment when he felt her touch on his hand lighten, knowing that at that moment she was gone.

After their goodbye to Darien, Christine had taken the kids with her. He still remembered the devastated look on Sam's face when he understood that he wouldn't see his mother ever again. But Ashley tried to hold a brave face, even though she was crying too, but something in her posture was telling him she had known something. Perhaps she had noticed something change in Darien over the past months. Something that he didn't see. But most likely he hadn't had the time to observe anything. If there was someone to blame, it was himself. He should have known.

Breaking from his thoughts, he heard a soft knock on his door. He was too upset to give an answer to whoever it was that was disrupting him. Knowing perfectly well that he wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone. He then glanced quickly at the person who then entered slowly opening the door. It was Rachel. He saw that she had been crying, probably feeling awful about the whole situation. Thinking it was all on her. That he was blaming her.

He nodded to her, allowing her to enter and she closed the door and came to sit on one of the chairs beside the couch.

"I am truly sorry, Tom." She said and barely made eye contact with him.

"It wasn't your fault." He managed to say, hearing his voice a little rough.

"I looked back to her preliminary physical when we got here. Everything seemed normal at the time." He heard her tell him. Understanding that she felt the need to explain to him.

"Whatever it was, it progressed very rapidly." She stated. "But some of the blood results before the trial did show cause for more tests." She admitted. He saw that she felt guilty for not doing additional testing. "But with the equipment we have at hand.." She continued on and as he raised his hand she quickly became silent. He then handed her the letter.

My dearest Tom,

If you are reading this, then I am not here anymore. I'm sorry to have kept you in the dark about this, but if I was going to die, I wanted my death to serve a higher purpose than to die because of an illness.

Knowing you all too well, I imagined you would have gone to search for proper medication for me, doing everything in your power to save me, and in that you would have drifted away from your mission. I couldn't let that happen and I wouldn't have wished that outcome either. As you well know my mother died of cancer, I watched her wither away, day at a time. I didn't want that for myself.

If you need someone to blame, then blame me. Rachel didn't know about this, she was just giving me a quicker way out.

You'll get through this Tom.. You'll always find a way.

Tell Sam and Ashley I love them.

With Love,

Darien

"Her mother died of breast cancer." He said as Rachel looked at him after she had read the letter.

"I don't know what to say." He barely heard her words.

"I would like to be alone." He said as he felt the tears in his eyes. The pain inside of him was getting stronger of the thought that he will never hold her in his arms again.

He saw her get up and sensed that she gave a look down at him. Holding his gaze pointed at the wall across from him, he just wanted to be alone as he felt the waves of anger go through him, why hadn't he known?

"If you need to talk.." She said and placed her hand briefly on his shoulder and the touch was too much for him as he then lost control of his emotions. He felt her arm around his back and he saw that she sat down on the arm of the couch, he didn't want to, but he felt at the moment he needed it, so he leaned towards her and she held him. He was letting out some of the pain and discomfort he felt inside as she sat there in stillness and just held him.