38. Redemption
x
Every time he closed his eyes, he saw blood on his hands. It wasn't really there, but in his mind his hands were tainted with blood. He had taken a life out of anger, he had been feeling the storm rage on inside of him. Wanting revenge for the death of his wife, and not just Darien. For the deaths of everyone that the virus had taken. But he had taken a life of an unarmed man. Still remembering how he had entered inside the tent, noticing the scared eyes of the prisoner as he had seen the gun he was holding. Sometimes he even heard his voice, begging him not to do it, but he had done it. Killed him cold bloodedly.
Sure, he was a prisoner, but never convicted for his crimes. Who was he to judge him? He had killed before, but there had been a reason why he had pulled the trigger. Now the reason wasn't entirely clear. What would Darien have thought of him now? And his own father? An ex-army man? He had wanted to stay at their family cabin, he wasn't budging anywhere, he said to him. Tom knew that if someone would manage to survive through the sickness, it would be him.
Even though Commander Garnett hadn't ordered him to be prisoned, he felt he had to be punished. So he mostly stayed in his stateroom, in his self-imposed solitary. He took a trip to meet his children every day. He was grateful that Christine was there for Ashley and Sam. Christine and Darien had been close, so his children trusted her.
He could only talk to Rachel. Darien wasn't there anymore. Mike was gone. Andrea had too much work on her hands now. And he didn't want to burden others with his thoughts. Master Chief visited him daily, trying to reason with him, but he didn't feel that it helped.
He felt that it was only Rachel that understood him. She was the one to make the proposition in the first place. She had thought about taking the risk. The risk that might cost a man his life, but she had been willing to take it. He did wonder if it had been better that he had given her the permission to do the operation. At least then his life would have been in the hands of a greater force than in his hands. But no matter how he thought about the different outcomes of the scenarios in his mind, he felt there only had been one solution. And it was the one he had taken, even if it was haunting him now.
He noticed Rachel come in as he came back from his thoughts.
"I saw a man leave your lab earlier. He looked familiar." He said as he gave a speculative look towards her.
"Yes, another stubborn man who won't take the vaccine." Rachel sat down across from him. He heard she was annoyed at the man's choice.
"Perhaps he too has his reasons." He gave a look at her.
"I'm testing his blood as we speak. Perhaps he's immune." Rachel told him.
"But enough of that. How are you doing?" She looked at him.
"I don't think I'm any better than yesterday." He avoided her gaze. He had dedicated his entire life to living up to rules and obeying the law and now he had broken those values close to his heart.
After Rachel had left his stateroom, his thoughts wondered back to the man he had seen earlier the day. A man that according to Dr. Scott hadn't agreed to take the vaccine. It made him feel somewhat puzzled, a little guarded. And he could swear he had seen him before.
He left his stateroom and decided to take a visit to the Crew Lounge. Looking at the old magazines there, he found a few older Time magazines and looked quickly through them.
He wasn't sure what he was trying to prove. He could just confront the man himself, but he had seemed scared, haunted even. So he thought there was probably more to his story then just surviving on land.
Then his eyes saw something. He opened the magazine and saw the picture of a man smiling in a clean shave. How far was the image of the man now? He looked more like Tom Hanks in Cast Away than the man in the picture. Now he could pay him a visit, he thought.
It didn't take long for him to track the man down. He was still aboard the ship, waiting for Dr. Scott's results. Although he had a hunch that the man was immune. Why else would a survivor turn down the vaccine? He walked beside him by the rail and showed him the magazine with the article he had found. Tom met the man's gaze as he realized that he knew who he was.
"So you know who I am." He heard the man say and he gave the magazine back to him.
"Question is, why hide who you are?" He asked as he stared down the man, seeing that he was hiding something.
"I'm not hiding, just not telling the truth." He explained.
"What happened?" He crossed his arms over his chest and looked at the man. Wanting to hear the story.
Somehow he saw through the man, saw that he was lost, perhaps it was because he was too. Seeing that he wasn't going to speak to him, he thought he should share his guilt. Perhaps he would open himself up then.
He leaned his back against the rail while the man beside him was leaning to the rail with his hands.
"I killed a man." He started and told the story to the man he had never met before. Told him about the discovery of patient zero. The man who weaponized the virus. Virus that didn't leave many alive in its wake. He told him why he pulled the trigger, out of anger and revenge. He noticed his voice get tighter at the thought of it. The man beside him looked at him with a stunned expression.
"I would have probably done the same." He heard the man say with a heavy voice. Despite being a man of order and law, at the moment he was as lost as he.
"But what I did was far more worse." He met the man's eyes and saw he was about to cry. He noticed the marks on his wrists. He had tried to kill himself for sure. So whatever he had done had to be worth taking his own life.
He listened to the man as he told him about what happened to his family. He had been in charge of a safe zone in Florida, against CDC protocol he had flown in his only son, who had the virus. The safe zone was compromised. He then told about how he had filled the wish of his dying wife, end the misery of their two remaining children, but it hadn't been as easy as he thought it would have been. He suddenly felt that his guilt of taking one man's life wasn't as big as the story he was hearing now. He felt tears in his eyes too, the thought of the situation he was telling him about. Would he have been able to do it, if Darien had asked him?
They were standing there quietly as he thought about it all. The man was haunted by his actions, he had tried to kill himself, but he was still here. He could have just tried to find a gun and end it all. But he was still here.
"You can't undo what you did. Neither can I. We will carry the heavy burden with us forever." He said and realized that he would have to come to terms of his crime if he would require the same from him.
"But this mission needs a leader, and I'm not talking about myself." He met the man's gaze.
"Surely you can't expect that I.. I can't help these people." He stated, horrified of the thought of being a leader.
"With all due respect, you're probably the only surviving member of the government of the United States. You have a duty to your country and right now that country needs your help." He stared at the man. Not wavering in his look as he meant what he said.
"Let this be your redemption." He added forcefully, trying to reach out to him.
"I forgive you, if you forgive me." He whispered and saw the man open his mouth but he didn't say anything, he just nodded and he felt a feeling of being strangely free, although his mind wouldn't let him forget his actions that easily, but perhaps this was the start of it all. To forgive himself that he hadn't been there for Darien nearly as enough than he should have. That against his better judgement he had done something that had been wrong.
Just to clarify a little.. It does state in chapter 35 that Tom was wearing a hazmat suit at the time he took Niels's life (he entered the tent and came out). Which means he was not exposed to the virus. :)