Chapter 8
Bourbon Street
5:00 PM
Monday
Bourbon Street
"YE SINNERS. YE PERVERTS. YE CONSUMERS OF THE SINS OF THE FLESH. YE HOMOSEXUALS, YE FORNICATORS, YE SPORTS FANS, GAMBLERS . YE ALL OF YOU, REPENT. REPENT BEFORE ITS TOO LATE." yelled a street preacher in the middle of the street at the passersbys, with giant a wooden cross behind him. Most people, tourists and locals alike, just walked passed him ignoring him. A few hurled insults back at him. One random tourist woman took a selfie with him and jokingly said "hashtag, authentic New Orleans experience"; while doing a bunny fingers peach sign and a funny face.
Charlie and Mac walked down Bourbon Street, having just entered it off of Canal. Arguing about whether or not it counts as "authentic" if you randomly walking into a tourist part, they both spotted the preacher ahead. "Hey, yo, check this out." said Charlie, as he walked towards the preacher.
"Hello my good fellow citizen." said Charlie, as the preacher either ignored him or didn't notice him.
"I am an expert of Bird Law, the number one ranked in Philadelphia. I also do other lawyerings. In case you encounter any 1st commandment [sic] issues and such, for a nominal fee I can repre..." said Charlie, interrupted.
"YE LAWYER. LAWYERISM, THE BOTTOM-MOST, FILTHY-BOTTOM FEEDING OF ALL PROFESSIONS. LOWER THAN EVEN THAT OF THE OLDEST ONE." exclaimed the preacher.
"Dude, what are you doing. This man supports discrimination against the gays. Dude, thats like a hate crime." said Mac, angrily
"Besides dude, we're not here on business." continued Mac
"Well, ok, yeah. But you have to admit. Protecting our Constitutional Commandments [sic] is very important, even for crazy people like that guy." said Charlie
"YE LORD DOES NOT DISCRIMANTE. YE LORD PUNISHES THE WICKED HIPOCRITICAL HETEROSEXUAL AS WELL AS THE HOMOSEXUAL." said the preacher, as Charlie put his business card in the preacher's breast pocket and walked off saying "Well, ok, dude, whatever. Call me when you change your mind."
"REPENT YOU ALL. SINNERS. SUPPORTERS OF THE CONFEDERACY AND THEIR MONUMENTS, THE EVILS OF SLAVERY. THE STATUES OF JACKSON, EVEN SO MORE WICKED THAN IF IT HAD BEEN THAT OF A WOMAN WITH NAKED BREASTS EXPOSED, YE ALL SINNERS..." continued the preacher, ranting and raving as Mac and Charlie walked off.
Charlie attempted to call Frank again, failing to get in touch with him. He then called Dennis out of desperation.
"Hey, yo, would you happen to know where's Frank." asked Charlie
Dennis picks up the phone, while driving. "What! Where's Frank! What." said Dennis, highly agitated.
"Well, I was just wondering." said Charlie
"What the hell do you mean where is Frank. He's supposed to be with you guys." said Dennis
"Well, ok, yeah, but he drove off and we're on Bourbon Street." said Charlie
"What. You let him drive." said Dennis, highly agitated, then continued
"Ok, whatever. We'll talk about this later. Well, me and Dee are on the way to Bourbon right now. We'll just meet you up there" said Dennis, angrily hanging up the phone.
"Unbelievable." exclaimed Dennis
They kept on driving, just entering the Crescent City Connection bridge. Dee took multiple selfies from the top of the bridge over the river, as well as a few of the CBD from a distance. Unknowingly, they lucked out with traffic levels. As Dennis finished crossing the bridge, Dee took several more selfies of the Bridge behind her.
Eventually, running into higher levels of pedestrian traffic with Dennis cursing up a storm, eventually they've made their way to their destination. Dennis parked his car on Bourbon, where it met Canal. They exited out of their car; and eventually caught up with Mac and Charlie.
"Heyyyyy. What.s up." said the whole gang, exited to finally having ran into each other.
They continued walking, enjoying the scenery. "If you want, me and Dee can give you a lift. It looks like Frank ditched you guys." said Dennis.
"Yeah, ok, that sounds like a plan." said Mac
Eventually they ran into a bar that sells "Huge Ass Beers." "Holy Shit. Check this out. That huge beer, for only five bucks." exclaimed Charlie
"Well, you guys enjoy. I got to drive back." said Dennis
"You know what. Since you brought your car, bailing us out, how about I'll drive. You all enjoy." said Mac
"Wow. Thats very mature for you. Thanks. So I guess that means you're admitted letting Frank drive was a bad idea." said Dennis
"Totally" said Mac, as Dee, Charlie, and Dennis poured the beer into smaller plastic cups and drank their beer.
Suddenly, Dee lifted up her shirt as some guy threw her beads from a balcony.
"Dee, what the hell are you doing." said Dennis
"Doing something none of you can. Bitches." said Dee, holding up her beads
"Oh my God, thats a good idea." said Charlie, as he took the beads from Dee
"Hey. Yo. Show me your tits." yelled Charlie at a woman at a balcony, and threw her one at a time
"Hey. God damn it. You took my beads." said Dee, angrily.
"Oh man, Mardi Gras is so fun" said Charlie, as Dennis corrected him "No, dude, thats not Mardi Gras, thats just people throwing left over beads"
"Well, ok, whatever. You say toMattOh, I say toMayToe. Ok." said Charlie
Dennis picked up some random beads that fell on the ground and threw it to women who flashed him. Meanwhile, a guy on a balcony jokingly lifted up his shirt and squeezed his chest at Dee. Dee picked up the ugliest, smallest bead she could find.
"That's all you get. Show me some cock and balls and I give you some real beads." said Dee, laughing.
"Dude, Dee. What the hell are you doing." said Dennis, highly agitated.
"Oh, cause a wOman can't have fun at Mardi Gras." retorted Dee
"What, what, no. You're embarrassing yourself. And like I said, its not even Mardi Gras." said Dennis
"Hey there boys." said a random woman at another balcony, sliding off her panties.
"Oh sweet. Check it out." said Charlie
"What. Charlie, aren't you with the waitress now." said Dee
"Oh, its cool. Its New Orleans. Its like a different city code [sic] dude, so it doesn't count." retorted Charlie
"What. Say's who." said Dee.
"Yooouuu whooo" said the woman, still ignored, spread eagle, putting her hand on her genitals and started rubbing it in full view of the gang.
"Oh come on, everybody knows that. What happens here stays here." said Charlie
"What. No. Nobody says that. Thats Las Vagas you idiot." said Dennis
"Hey dickweeds. You want pussy or you just gonna stare and jerk off." said the woman, interrupting them.
"Hell yeah, I want some pussy. It looks like you got a nice one." said Charlie
"Well honey. Just get up that pole and you can have this when you make it up here" said the woman, continuing to rub herself as Charlie's and Dennis's testes vibrated slightly from their increased hornyness.
"Charlie, wouldn't it just be easier to get in the building and walk up the stairs." said Dennis
"Naw man, its easier this way. Its the shortest distance." said Charlie, as he started his climb, while the woman continued to rub herself and her breasts for encouragement.
"Oh man, this city is so awesome. Its not like Philadelphia women, these women are down to party and ready to bang. Man they're so easy. Oh man, if I was still single I would be up there banging that woman up there." said Dennis
Charlie had made his way up about three-fourths of the way up. Suddenly, as he took another step up and grabbed the pole with his hands, his hand slipped on some grease. He grabbed forward with his other hand, and his other hand slid down as well. The grease slowly dripped downwards as Charlie attempted to move up. The woman giggled and continued rubbing herself.
Eventually, so much grease slipped down that Charlie would slide down all the way to the halfway mark, hurting his hands as they slipped passed the decorative Fleu-De-Lies on the pole. Charlie started to slide down, about to give up. "Hey baby, you about to give up." said the woman
"Yeah, I think there's some grease here." said Charlie
"I guess you don't want this." said the woman, started to rub herself and breasts again.
Charlie, about to give up, changed his mind as he saw the woman rub her crotch slowly. Several steps later, as he was back to the original three-fourths mark, his hands gave out and he slid all the way down.
"Yo dude, we should totally try that. That looks fun." said Mac.
"Yeah, well, I bet I can get up there quicker than you can." said Dennis
"Ok, you're on." said Mac, as they made their side bet and told Dee to time them. Dee, reluctantly agreed and started her "clock app" on her phone.
Dennis went first, slipping and sliding, struggling until his hands eventually got tired and gave up. "Man, that's bullshit. Charlie made a huge grease mess so now I can't move up." said Dennis
Mac went up next, slowly inch by inch. The woman, giggling, rubbed herself slowly for his encouragement. Mac, ignoring her, daydreaming about doing his victory dance to Dennis; inched his way up. Grabbing the dry parts, Mac got up to about 80% way up before he began sliding down. As testes pressed against the Fleu-De-Lies, Mac gave up and slowly slid down.
The woman and Dee laughed, looking at Dennis, Mac, and Charlie. The woman got dressed again, laughed at all the men dumb enough to fall for the prank. The woman's boyfriend, laughed slightly, not sure if he should be amused or annoyed by all the men giving her the attention. "Hey, show me your peacock." yelled Dee at the boyfriend, as his girlfriend gave him a dirty "don't do it" look.
The woman on the balcony then threw Dee some more beads, as Dee caught them with excitement.
Meanwhile, Mac and Dennis spent the next two minutes which one of them made it further up the poll, hence winning the bet.
"*whif whif* Is that pee?" asked Dee, as she realized the beads were soaked with urine.
"Arrr. Oh, God damn it. God damn that bitch." yelled Dee, as she balled up the beads and thew them as hard as possible at the woman, knocking her beer out of her hand.
"Arrrggggggg." said Dee, as she took off her high heel shoes, one stuck to her arm by the loop and stormed the pole.
Dodging the grease spots, Dee made it all the way up 90% of the way until finding nothing but grease. The woman and her boyfriend laughing their asses off. Full of anger and realizing she can't get up any higher, Dee grabbed the woman's skirt and tore it in half, throwing down the fabric. Then, realizing she still had her shoe, flung it at the woman full force; with the pointy end of her high heels smacking the woman in her crotch.
Dee then proceeded to slide down the pole, but lost her balance due to only grabbing the pole with one hand, and about one forth way up, fell off and fell on her butt. Not feeling any pain (yet) due to the adrenaline in her system ,walked off.
The woman, curled up on the ground, was being comforted by her boyfriend. "Ha. Looks like you won't be using your cock and balls tonight afterall. Here's some beads." said Dee, hurling the pee soaked bead at the boyfriend on the balcony, leaving a slight bruise on his torso.
"Damn Dee. Looks like you won the bet. Or would have if you were in." said Dennis
"Yo, that was pretty impressive." said Mac and the four of them walked off and continued their adventure.
The gang continued bar hoping, drinking, and having fun in general. Dee slapped several random men on their butts in the various clubs and bars. About a third enjoyed it, a third got mildly annoyed, and a third didn't seem to care either way. They caught several more beads from people in the balconies, and threw some as well. Dennis made several attempts at flirting with random young women in their 20's just to see if he still could, with mixed results. They drank heavily, including something called "a hand grenade"; the alcohol concealing the pair from climbing the pole earlier.
"Oh man, thats so awesome. Its like you drink out of this plastic grenade, so its like if you drink too much you're getting bombed." laughed Mac.
Eventually, some two hours later the gang got bored with their shenanigans and realized that they still need to finish unpacking. "Ok guys, I think I've sobered up by now." said Mac as the gang decided its time to head back to the car. "I am sure we'll come visit at least twice more." said Mac, as they all agreed and made their way back to their car.
"Man, I am telling you guys. New Orleans is like the Purge, but only the like the fun version of it." said Dennis
"I know right. Its like you can do anything in this city and nobody cares. There are like no rules or laws or anything, as long as you don't do something bad like kill or rape anybody." said Mac, as Dee grabbed some random guy's butt as he walked the opposite direction.
"Yeah, exactly. That way you're still safe from people doing the bad stuff, but like nobody cares about the little stuff." said Dennis
"Oh, oh, Oh God Damn it." said Dennis angrily as they made it to the car.
"Ok, well, ok obviously not all laws and regulations" said Charlie
"Shut up Charlie." said Dennis angrily, as they all got into the car, greeted by a bright, orange parking ticket.
"Its cool. I bet I can totally fight this." said Charlie
"God damn it, shut up Charlie." said Dennis, as Mac started the car and drove off.