I'm back with another chapter. I probably won't post another chapter any time soon, as I have school (I hate it), and that I don't have a computer to use unless I go to the computer shop. Mahal and Yavannah help me.

As for the reviews, thank you so much Leona2016! You're the first one I've actively replied to because 'Five Times' is my second multi-chapter story and I didn't get the chance to reply to the others in my first story. My sis says 'thanks' by the way, even if she didn't voiced it out loud. But I know her, and she's happy. So thanks!

Enjoy the story and review! I like reading them; it makes me so happy! After all, a happy author posts more chapters. (I'm not pressuring any though)

Disclaimer: Mahal and Yavannah will smite me if I ever say I own the Hobbit.

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I.

It started out as a joke; Bilbo Baggins couldn't help himself and started lecturing the Durin heirs on how to behave in one's house and how they shouldn't bring weapons and to not wipe their feet on their host's mother's glory box – especially that – and not to throw crockery and silverware around – someone could get hurt – and could they put away their weapons themselves – he is not as strong as them – and –

"Sure, Mom," Kíli rolled his eyes. He really wasn't listening, but Mahal, Mister Boggins reminded him of their Amad at that moment and he couldn't help but let out some sarcasm. Maybe Mister Boggins would stop in favor of thinking why he was called a female. After all, Mister Boggins acted so feminine like every female of any race he'd met.

Fíli grinned, "Aye, Mom, we already know. Amad already lectured us, yah know."

They left Bilbo there on that spot by the door leading to the kitchen, blinking his eyes bewilderedly for the better part of an hour, before the Hobbit promptly left for his room, intent on getting a drink to forget the night's events. Really, him going on an adventure – a suicidal one!– to steal from a dragon of all creatures, and on top of that, being called a mother! What was wrong with people these days?

II.

They got another lecture outside the troll cave; Bilbo had withheld them from entering the stinky cave in favor of reprimanding them on their safety. (And for good reason! Those two didn't know the meaning of safety!)

Fíli interrupted, already annoyed and guilt-filled from Uncle Thorin's scolding. "Yes, Mom. We know better than to rush into battle. This isn't the first time." Why was the Hobbit even bothering? They did this kind of things all the time! It's not like a small single creature like him can stop them.

"You act more like a mom than I ever seen, Master Boggins. You're even more of a mother hen than Dori is."

"Then act like it, boys! Your mother isn't here to keep you in line and your uncle is busy with his duties and worrying about everyone and everything!" Bilbo snapped, brown eyes glinting with a touch of anger and worry. "It seems like I'm the only one who can keep an eye on you two at most times!"

The Hobbit stomped away, leaving the two brothers behind thinking of their actions.

III.

Bilbo knew instantly that Fíli and Kíli would call him by that dreaded and rather insulting nickname when the blond turned to him from the other side of the clearing.

"Mom! Come here; we have somethin' ta show yah!"

Why, oh why, did they call him their mother? They have a live one; he checked with Balin! Were they dropped on their head when they were a babe? Was it some mental illness they got and no one bothered to inform him? Or were they just being their annoying selves? He was in no way feminine. The others didn't even bother trying to stop it! He was annoyed especially the heirs.

"Yah better go, Mom," Bofur gleefully teased from beside him, ribbing him.

The Hobbit groaned, walking towards the Princes.

IV.

Kíli was bored, worried, and scared (and maybe he had a tiny crush on the red-headed she-elf, but don't tell the others; they'll kill him). He had nothing to do; he was scared of what the Elvenking would do to them; especially Uncle Thorin and Fíli; and he was worried about Mom, er, Bilbo.

OK, he probably shouldn't call the Burglar that, because he wasn't a woman. But he sure as hell acts like his real Amad (Dís had a soft side at times). Mister Boggins grew on him and he wondered what happened to the small Hobbit.

He was worried that Bilbo was captured, hurt, or worse, still with the huge-ass spiders, getting ready to be eaten. What if he was still in the forest? Here the Company was, relatively safe, even if captured and very hungry, and the Burglar could be lost or dead already.

So when Bilbo's head popped out and startled the brunet, he yelped in relief as he tripped over his boots, "MOM?!"

He heard Fíli call out, "You're okay, Mom!"

"Shh!"

V.

"Well, you're finally part of the family, Bilbo," Kíli smiled, strained as he still hurt in his torso.

"Yup, I guess we can officially call you Mom, then."

The hobbit rolled his eyes, glancing around the partying room. It was filled with Dwarrows, Elves, and Men alike. There was Gandalf next to Thranduil and there were even some Hobbits that came out of the Shire to attend the festivities (of course, most were Tooks and Brandybucks). Thorin only wanted the Dwarrows and Hobbits to attend, but Bilbo was adamant to invite the Elves and Men. "When will you stop calling me by that infernal name, lads?"

"Do ya rather we call ya Auntie?"

"…Fine, but it's your heads if your mother hears, you hear me, boys? Thorin and I are already in trouble for starting the wedding without her." Bilbo muttered under his breath as he recalled the reprimanding both he and his new husband received after the vows. Of course, that was hours ago and in a private room, but the Burglar's ears still rang as he thought about it.

"Sure, Mom," Fíli put an arm around his shoulders. "Whatever ya say."

Kíli did the same, successfully squishing the Hobbit between the two Dwarrows. "Welcome to the family, Mom."

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Bilbo: You sure like writing about me, don't you?

Shadow: Sue me. I have them written down in order. If I mess this up, I'll forget which chapter is next and whatnot. Anyway, how do you like being called a mother?

Bilbo: *sniffs* Well, if it's to keep them out of trouble, I'll willingly endure their torture. No one is keeping them out of trouble in the Company.

Shadow: And being married to Thorin?

Bilbo: *red-faced* Shut up.

Shadow: Whatever you say, Bilbo. You'll thank me later anyway. Bye!