Chapter 69: When In Doubt Let Grief Out
{A/N: Here's Another Update...}
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The Snape Residence, London, England, Muggle World...
Severus Snape found himself walking the quieted halls of the flat his wife Hermione shared with their eleven year old son. Both had gone to bed after an apparent mother-son outing. Hermione had taken longer to turn in, pro her usual note of behavior. Snape sighed as he ventured into his sleeping son's bedroom. Phaeron had been quite worn out from the events of the day and rightly so his mother had dragged him all over London between both wizarding and muggle worlds in a bid to find the tome required to help his father. Being only eleven did have it's limits and it appeared Phaeron had reached them. Snape smiled sadly at his sleeping young son. Phaeron's raven hair was growing rather rapidly, much as his own use to on occasion, he had been lying on his back with the covers tossed about the bed and hanging onto the hard wood floor below. It amazed the dour wizard how much his son reminded him of himself and yet he behaved so like his mother. Snape shook his head noting his son had a fondness for sleeping in his boxer shorts no matter the temperature outside.
The raven haired Slytherin boy looked so peaceful in sleep, the picture of true innocence. The more he watched the boy the more he feared anything coming into his life and causing the change in him that would bring out his deeply rooted darkness. The Potions Master closed his eyes and ventured out toward his wife's bedroom. No doubt the bedroom he would have shared with his wife had he been among the living. Behind the large wooden door, Hermione much to Snape's surprise had not been asleep.
The sorrowful witch merely lied on her back. From the looks of it she had been viewing an old memory.
Snape strolled into the room without a sound as he watched his wife lie still dressed in an ebony night gown. Her infamously bushy hair had been let down for the night as well covering her pillow as she remained still in the dead of night. In the pale moon light, Snape could just make out the rows of tears that streamed down her cheeks.
"You should try and conserve your energy." she said without making any sudden movements or shifting her eyes toward his ebony clad figure.
"I needed to see you...both of you." said Snape not at all surprised she knew he was there.
"I know." she replied as the tears continued to fall.
Snape made his way over toward the bed. Hermione turned finally giving the Potions Master her back as he lied back onto the crisp white sheets. It took a good deal of concentration but he managed to lay his body right beside her's without falling through the bed.
"I have caused you a good deal of pain in the short time that we have been married." he said with a weary expression upon his sallow pale face.
Hermione simply let out a weary sigh.
"We were at war." she said as the tears continued. "There was a lot going on."
Snape never understood how she could be so dismissive of his less than reputable behavior.
"I make no excuse for my behavior." he said. "I know I don't deserve you...I make no illusions to the contrary, I did however make you a promise."
"You made a lot of promises you couldn't keep." said Hermione turning to face him.
He nodded.
"I fully intend to keep them." said Snape.
"And what if we can't figure out what's wrong with you?" asked Hermione. "What if we can't bring you back and you disappear forever?"
"Then I have a good six years to be with my wife and my son however I can." said Snape meaningfully.
The tears continued to fall down Hermione's cheeks.
"I wish I could comfort you." he said. "I've watched you grieve for eleven years...and there is nothing I wanted more than to hold you in my arms and assure you that everything would work itself out."
"Where you there when Phaeron was born?" asked Hermione wiping away her own tears.
"Yes." replied Snape with a weary smile. "He was a strange little bundle with a good deal of raven hair even then."
"He was so chubby." said Hermione drifting into the memory "Sometimes, I would kiss his little cheeks just to see his face light up."
"He saw me once." said Snape. "I had no idea how but he had the ability to see me when he was a baby."
"It was probably your connection to him." said Hermione. "He is your blood after all."
"Maybe." replied The Potions Master thinking back. "Y-You've done an amazing job with him."
"Thank you." replied Hermione.
Snape looked up at the ceiling. She looked over at him noting the tears that had fallen down his sallow pale cheeks. She could do little to comfort him as they layed there side by side together in this brief moment yet so far away from each other.
"I'm in hell, Hermione." admitted Snape softly.
"I know Severus." she replied softly as well. "Me too."
"I-I wish..." started The Potions Master before he fell silent.
The witch closed her eyes knowing exactly what he was getting at.
"Me too." she replied.
"I can't hold you...I couldn't even hold my son when he was born..." said Snape the fury growing in him. "I didn't want to leave you...I don't want to leave you..."
The sorrowful witch said nothing as she listened to her husband. His voice the only thing that could reach her after everything that has happened. She could tell so much by the tone of his voice even if she couldn't touch him or feel him. She knew that he was afraid and that he was desperate to hold on to her and Phaeron for as long as he could. Even if it meant using up his last bit of magical reserves.
"Don't you dare give up Severus Snape." said Hermione noting the hint of resignation in his tone.
The witch was not about to let Harry Potter and Bellatrix LeStrange win. Not now. Not after having hope restored after all these years. Severus had more than paid for his past mistakes, he had fought in two wizarding wars. He had taught and protected countless young students to atone for the lives he had taken. They had lost their first child, their daughter to death eaters and he very nearly gave his life to protect Harry Potter the child of the very people who went out of their way to hurt him when he had been a young man.
No. Enough was enough. Severus had paid more than anyone for the small bit of happiness he rightly deserved. All he wanted was to be with her and Phaeron, to have a normal family after everything he had to endure for so many years.
"You and I both know I had no intention of doing so." replied Snape meeting Hermione's eyes. "But should this not go the way we plan..."
"I won't accept anything less." said Hermione. "Phaeron needs his father...he's had to grow up believing you to be dead and he doesn't say much about it but I know how hurt he feels not having you in his life."
"I understand." replied Snape. "I will do everything within my power to assist him with whatever he needs."
Hermione sighed lying back against the pillow.
"I miss you so much." she said looking back up at the ceiling. "I know we make jokes and side step what happened for Phaeron's sake but..."
Snape looked over at his wife.
"But it's getting harder to pretend that we aren't effected by what happened at the castle of Solitude." he said finishing for her.
Hermione nodded closing her eyes.
"Every day for the past eleven years the same memory of what happened the night of Voldemort's fall haunts me." she admitted. "I see you covered in blood...Harry taunting you...it always ends the same with you dying in my arms."
"I'm still here." said Snape meaningfully. "You aren't rid of me yet, Miss Granger."
Hermione narrowed her amber eyes at him.
"It's Snape." she replied. "Git."
"Very well Mrs. Snape." he replied smirking.
Hermione sighed again.
"It wasn't enough that we lost our daughter." she said sadly.
"Hermione." said Snape knowing where she was going with this.
"She didn't even get to take her first breath Severus." she continued. "We never even got to see her."
"I know." he replied. "And it's my fault...If I had been with you..."
"If I had never left the three broom sticks..." she said regretfully.
"We cannot change the past Hermione." he said. "As much as we would like to it's not going to happen."
"I know." she replied.
"Wishing cannot make it so." continued Snape.
"I know." said Hermione again. "It just isn't fair..."
"Life isn't fair." replied Snape. "No one knows that better than I."
"If I wasn't pregnant with Phaeron, I don't think I could have survived after the war." said Hermione honestly.
Snape arched an eyebrow at this.
"Surely, you don't mean that." he said stunned by her admission.
Hermione's cold amber gaze met his obsidian one.
"I lost my child." she said. "My husband was just killed by the boy who used to be my best friend and revered by everyone...I had not yet returned my parents memories, and I was so heartbroken I didn't even want to finish my studies..."
"I am not worth that." said Snape serious as he looked into her eyes. "I am not nor will I ever be worth that...Hermione...Your life means far more to me than anyone aside from my son in this world."
"It's how I felt Severus." said Hermione. "I didn't want to live without you."
Snape had not liked this talk. He had been confident Hermione was stronger than that. That she could get on just fine with his passing and do what needed to be done. His condition was iffy at best and he had not wanted to get her hopes up for his return and then not be able to deliver.
"Well now you have Phaeron to consider." he said bitterly. "And as I've told you before...I'm not worth that."
"You're the love of my life Severus Snape." said Hermione honest as she continued to look up at the ceiling.
"And you are the eternal keeper of my tainted soul." replied Snape. "But I want you to live Hermione...no matter what happens...promise me."
The sorrowful witch remained silent for a while.
"Hermione." said Snape serious.
"I promise." she replied as tears streamed down her cheeks.
They both lied back on the bed in relative silence for a while before Snape changed the subject back to Phaeron.
"Apparently our son has quite a few female admirers." he said.
Hermione arched an eyebrow at this.
"Like father like son." she said with a light hearted smile.
"So it seems." said Snape thoughtfully. "I just hope that isn't the case for everything he goes through."
"You weren't so bad Severus." replied Hermione. "A bit moody perhaps, then there's the whole Slytherin git thing."
"Insufferable know it all." said Snape in his best professor persona tone.
"Bat of the dungeons." replied Hermione.
"Bucktooth Granger." countered Snape.
"Snivellus Greasy." said the bushy haired witch.
"How unoriginal." said Snape sarcastically. "Are you so hard pressed for a decent come back that you've resorted to taking a page out of Sirius Black's rotten handbook?"
"You tell me." said Hermione equally sarcastic in tone. "Does using Draco Malfoy's mediocre insults suit you?
"Miss Granger." said Snape.
"Professor Snape." retorted Hermione.
"Mrs. Snape." he said.
"Mr. Snape." she said.
"Wife." Said Snape looking into her eyes.
"Husband." she counted looking into his.
"I love you." he said meaningfully.
"I love you too." she replied just as meaningfully.
"Never forget that." said Snape.
"Same goes for you." replied Hermione.
The rest of the night passed peacefully. When Hermione finally drifted off to sleep Snape roamed through the house one last time to get a look at his sleeping family. Phaeron had remained undisturbed but appeared to sense him.
"Father." said the boy in sleep. "D-Don't go."
"Phaeron." said Snape with a sad smile upon his sallow pale face. "Take care of your mother...I'll return soon."
With that Snape took his leave of them for the time being.