Chapter 14
I fought the Law
Wednesday
City Hall
1300 Perdido Street
New Orleans
9:00 AM
"But, but, but... You can't even see anything. Its pitch black." protested the man, fighting a red-light camera speeding ticket, pointing at a picture, a pitch black canvas, with only the licenses plate lit up.
"Is that your car's licenses plate. Yes or No" said the main judge nonchalantly, an elderly black man with a long graying beard, with a no-nonsense demeanor- an annoyed resting face
"Yes, that is the licenses plate, but come on, you can't even see my car in the video. How can you even tell whether or not it was speeding. Seriously?!" protested the man
"Any other defenses?" said the main judge, again non-nonchalantly, almost as if he was holding back a sigh
"Well no. But come on. I guess thats all." said the man, resting his case
The three judges looked at each other, and 5 seconds later the main judge said "We find you responsible for the traffic violation, one-five-four-dash-five-three-one. Next." said the judge
Mac and Charlie were sitting in the waiting room, waiting for their case to be called. Seven other people were in the room, waiting for their cases as well. Charlie was holding a manila folder, filled with his 24 page document, in an effort to contest Dennis's $50 parking ticket from Monday on Bourbon Street. It contained various drawings, screenshots of the area from Googlemaps- both satellite and street mode, and various nonsense pseudo-legalese writings. Charlie was looking over his document in case he needed to make last minute fixes.
"Are you sure you know what you're doing. I really think we should just admit that we're tourists who parked illegally because we didn't know better and apologize and hope the judge goes easy on us." said Mac
"Dude, just let me do all the talking, ok." Charlie snapped back angrily
"Well, ok, fine." said Mac
As Charlie continued looking over the documents, Mac suddenly added.
"Its just that, you know dude. I feel like we never admit to being in the wrong, no matter what, you know what I mean. I mean, dude, like for instance we should just admit that Dennis was right about the parades. Dude, there's not going to be any parades this week. We should just own up to it and admit to Dennis that he won the bet. Just like we probably should own up to parking illegally." continued Mac
"Well, dude. Just trust me dude. I know my law, I know what I am doing." snapped Charlie
"They have parades." said a random stranger out of nowhere, matter-of-factly, overhearing their conversation
"What?" asked Mac
"No dude, me and my friend (pointing to Mac) had this bet with this other guy. And he was like Mardi Gras was over and that the parades were over but I was then like no dude, they like totally still have parades so then we had this huge bet. But its cool. I guess you can't win then all." rambled Charlie
"Yup, they still have parades." continued the stranger, a fellow defendant waiting for his case
"What do you mean. No dude, I googled it and Mardi Gras was over like 3 weeks ago." rebutted Mac
"They still have St Patrick's this week." said the man, "Got one later this afternoon uptown as-a-matta-a-fact. Then another one Friday near the quarter, and the final one on Sunday in Metairie" said the man
"Well no dude. That doesn't count. We mean like a parade parade. Like a real, New Orleans parade, where they throw beads and stuff." said Mac
"Yup, they throw beads." said the man.
Charlie and Mac looked at each other, with a bit of excitement in their eyes.
"You mean like beads, beads" asked Charlie
"Yup. Beads. Cups. Frisbees. Plush toys. Potatoes and other vegetables. Hell, if yall lucky you might even catch a cabbage." said the man. "Whatever you do, just don't park on the neutral ground or else you'll wind up back here." he added jokingly
"You mean they still have Mardi Gras parades. Dude, thats awesome. Now we can tell Dennis to shove it. Thanks dude, you're awesome." said Mac
"No, no, its not Mardi Gras. Its St Patrick's parade." said the man, while the two ignored him, all excited.
"Reynolds" said the judge, calling for the next case
"Oh my God, we should totally go there." said Mac, as Charlie was googling the parades
"Mr. Reynolds" yelled the judge louder, "Do we have a Mr Reynolds. Ok, we can dismiss the ca..." said the judge, as Charlie caught on in the last movement
"Yes, we're ready."
"Good luck" said the random stranger
Charlie and Mac were led to a small room, away from the rest of the crowd. For privacy sake's, each defendant would have their case in that room away from the others. There, they faced the three judges, with a table separating them longways. Out the windows, you could see downtown New Orleans with a bird's eye view.
"Your great esteemed judges, your great honors. I, Charlie Kelly, an esteemed expert of Bird Law and other layerings, am hereby challenging a single, one count of one-five-four-dash-nine-seven-seven, that a Mr Dennis Reynolds is hereby accused of..." said Charlie, in an annoying fake accent
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" said the main judge, interrupting Charlie mid-sentence, nonchalantly. "Also, this hearing is recorded."
"Why, yes, certainly we do." said Mac, as Charlie angrily nudged him, a reminder to let Charlie do the talking
"Please proceed." said the judge
"Your honor, I would like to now cross examine the state's star witness, the honorable meter-maid that issued the citation." said Charlie
"That is not allowed. The issuing officer will only testify on the last weekday of the month. If you want to cross-examine the officer, you would need to reschedule your hearing." said the judge
Charlie and Mac looked at each other, whispering. "Well dude, I had my whole case planned around the meter-maid testifying."
"Oh come on dude. That's bullshit. We're tourists, we're not going to be around for that." said Mac
"I know right. Thats totally bullshit. Come on man, thats like totally not fair." said Charlie, in his normal voice, dropping the fake legalese accent
The main judge raised an eyebrow at the profanity and sighed. The two other judges looked at each other, confused.
"Well, in any case your honors. Even with such disadvantages going against me, I shall still continue challenging the citation in hand." said Charlie, reverting back to his original fake accent
"Besides, we're tourists, its totally unfair to give us tickets for parking on Bourbon Street. Thats like your most famous street." said Mac, as Charlie nudged him, whispering "let me do the talking."
"I think what my esteemed colleague is attempting to say, is that it is the very definition of entrapment to using, shall we say, a tourist trap, such as Bourbon Street, unfairly targeting tourists to make revenue. Is it not upon the intrusion of the communique of justice." said Charlie
"Oh. Kay?" said the main judge
"You are lucky the car didn't get towed." another judge interjected, while the main judge gave him a look to hush
"Furthermore, I would now like to begin questioning the alleged facts of the ticket. For example, the meter-maid says the car was parked on Bourbon Street, near Canal, on the night of question. But. Could it not be the case that the car was actually parked on. Thun thun num. On Canal Blvd instead." said Charlie
"You mean the car was parked illegally on Canal Blvd and not on Bourbon Street." asked the judge inquisitively
"I mean, we could may have?" replied Charlie, meekly
"The citation for parking illegally on Canal Street is higher than parking on Bourbon. Are you saying that we should amend the citation?" asked the judge.
"Well, ok, dude. Maybe we didn't park on Canal." said Charlie in regular voice, then switching back to fake the accent. "But. But, perhaps. pause The time on the ticket was incorrect. Aha!" said Charlie, thinking he got a point
"Go on." said the judge, nonchalantly
"Well, according to my research, obviously, if the time is wrong, then how do you prove that it was illegal to park at that time. I would like a motion to subpoena the officer's calibration records of his or her watch. I don't in fact believe that the officer's watch is properly synchronized with standard GNT time." said Charlie
"Parking on Bourbon Street is illegal 24/7" said the judge nonchalantly
"Well, ok, yeah. But objection. Aha. My research indicates that parking at different times has a different fine. So if the officer's watch is not synchronized, then how do you know that the ticket amount is correct." said Charlie, with Mac doing the "oh snap" in the background
"Are you telling me that the officer's watch is off by 5 hours. Honestly, I wouldn't expect it to be off by more than 5 minutes." said the judge, nonchalantly and annoyed
"And also. Did the officer in question take pictures or have video evidence. Because how do we know that we didn't actually park legally on Decatur Street and the officer got facts wrong." said Charlie
"You just confessed to parking on Bourbon Street less than 10 minutes ago." said the judge
"Well, ok, but. Motion to dismiss the previous comment. Let the record show that it was a hypothetical." said Charlie.
"Any other defenses" said the judge, hoping to wrap up the case
"Well, your honors. Since we're being honest. It is my opinion that the system is rigged. Me and my esteemed colleague did not have proper legally representation, as entitled by our Constitutional 5th Amendment. I motion for a federal appeal." said Charlie
"You just told us that you were an Bird Law expert less than 10 minutes ago." said the judge
"Um, um, well..." continued Charlie
The non-sense went on for nearly an hour, with Charlie going over every single page, one by one, making up fake motions and carefully pointing through maps. The judges, out of legal protocol, listened attentively to the nonsense and carefully examined the document as Charlie went over it. The main judge, annoyed, looking at the clock; while not wanting to reward this behavior, but also not wanting to risk throwing out any tickets for the other defendants in case their cases don't get heard in the time-slot, much less going through this again in case Charlie appeals; decided to put a stop to this.
One of the side judge's stomach grumbled a bit, as she had skipped breakfast and it was time for her brunch. Roughly halfway, as Charlie was still on the 13th page, the judges looked at each other, as the main judge said "Ok, we'll discuss this in the back and convene shortly."
The judged went into a back room, discussed the case in a backroom away from Mac and Charlie's earshot as Mac and Charlie got a bit nervous. "Typical. This must be part of the legal system's chicanery. I bet they're not even recording what they're saying" said Charlie, as the judges came back in about 3 minutes
"Ok, hypothetically, lets say that you did not park on Bourbon Street as the ticket says, and/or the time on the ticket is wrong. But say you still parked illegally within the French quarter, so the officer was correct in giving you the citation, but incorrect in the code. Would you at least admit to that." said the judge
"It is within my 4th Amendment Right to not incriminate myself, so no, I would not admit to that." said Charlie proudly in an even more exaggerated fake accent
"We could reclassify your ticket to a different code, lowering your citation to a $40 fine from the original $50. Doing such, this would conclude this hearing and waive your legal right to appeal with the city. You then would have 30 days to sue the city through the state court." said the judge
"Well, I motion to plead not-guilty-by-no-contest. I will take state's offer, but. With a notation that we are not means-raza admitting to the citation but only to satisfy the court's plea agreement." said Charlie, as the judge concluded the case, with the judges looking at each other in relief.
Mac and Charlie jumped up and down with excitement, high-fiving and hugging each other, celebrating as if they had won a state championship game. "We did it. We beat City Hall." yelled Charlie, as they exited the room, fist bumping the other defendants in the waiting room including the man who told them about the St Patrick's Parade, as they continued walking towards the elevator.
"Oh shit." said Mac
"What is it." said Charlie
"Dude, we only put enough change in the parking meter for 2 hours. We have like 3 minutes left." said Mac, looking at his watch, as they entered the elevator on the 8th floor
"God dammit." yelled Charlie, as the elevator stopped on the 3rd floor, slowing them down.
"Seriously, thats like only two flights of stairs." said Mac to Charlie, offending the woman who just walked in, clearly within earshot.
They bolted out of the elevator as soon as the door started to open, slightly shoving the woman back,and then ran across the lobby and out of the building. Rudely bumping through other pedestrians on the sidewalk, they then bolted across four-lane traffic without looking, nearly getting ran over; and back through the narrow alley where they parked. Unfortunately, it looked like it was too late; their car greeting them with a bright orange ticket.
There she was. A heavy-set meter-maid in her 50s, standing behind the car, entering the same information on the ticket into her electronic pad. "Wait, I got an idea." said Charlie. "Just trust me."
"You go drive, just hurry, let me handle this." said Charlie, as Mac got into the car and quickly drove off.
Charlie then, like a maniac, jumped in a diving motion between the car and the meter-maid, blocking her view of the license plate number in the last second. Charlie pictured the event in slow motion, as if he was saving the day, with the meter-maid saying "Nnnooooooooo!. Wwhhaatt tthhee hheelllll"
The meter-maid had entered all but one of the plate's digits into her keypad, missing the last one thanks to Charlie's obstruction; as Charlie fell to the ground, earning a few minor bruises for his effort. He slowly got up as Mac sped away.
"Ha ha." said Charlie to the meter-maid as he got up
"Well, sshhhheeeeee. How the hell do I hit cancel." she muttered to herself annoyed, as Charlie tried to help her
"Sorry, nothing personal, but we just came back from contesting another bs ticket. I refuse to get a ticket- while contesting a ticket." said Charlie
"Well shheee, you should have called the court ahead of time and arranged for parking with them. The website link on the ticket would have told you that." said the meter-maid, annoyed while canceling out the entry.
Mac then called Charlie on his phone, while Charlie explained the situation. Charlie then ran off towards the car as Mac slowed down to 3mph, opened the passenger door and jumped into the moving vehicle. Mac then sped off as soon as Charlie closed the door while the meter-maid watched from a distance angrily muttering "I am too old and heavy for this shit."
Mac and Charlie laughed and again high-fived each other, with both the now worthless orange parking ticket and the paid meter stub still stuck in their windshield, even at high speeds. "Dude, we should totally keep these as souvenirs" said Mac, referring to the ticket and the stub. As they drove back to the apartment, Charlie took more selfies as they went over the Crescent City Connection, with at least one picture with the ticket in it.
"Hey yo" yelled Mac and Charlie- filled with excitement, couldn't wait to tell the rest of the gang about their morning, as they barged into the apartment; while Dennis, Dee, and Frank argued about something pointless.