Chapter 16
Parades, part 2
Wednesday
St Charles Street
New Orleans
4:00 PM
Dee, Dennis, and Frank finally get to the destination, the frat house near Tulane University. The three made small talk with some the frat bros as they entered the frat house. Meanwhile on the second floor, Mac and Charlie and some two dozen people there are milling around. A few of the coeds mildly flirted with Mac and Charlie; making Mac slightly uncomfortable, as Dennis walked into the room, then Dee and Frank.
"Lets get the parttttyy started, bitches." said Dee, as she entered while walking up to a random 20-something-year old frat guy running her finger slowly down the guy's chest.
Dennis and his new buddies were gathering up the folding chairs and kegs as they all headed out. Dennis then whispered to one of the guys to have a private conversation as he stepped away from everyone.
"Hey bro, check this out. My friends are kinda being dicks, and they're like obnoxious about it saying that they can catch more beads than I can. Can you hook a guy up and like have one of your hot chicks catch a bunch of beads so that we can win this thing. Just keep it between us." whispered Dennis
"You got it." said the guy, winking
"What was all that about." asked Dee
"Oh nothing, we're just talking about old times, like how my frat brothers once poisoned the other team's drinks in the flipping game, and he told stories from what his frat did back in his day. You know, the usual." said Dennis
"It sound like you were plotting something." said Dee
"Oh no, its guy stuff. You wouldn't understand. Just go." said Dennis
"Yeah, whatever." said Dee, as they headed out, still bickering about the bet.
"I bet I'll catch more beads than all of you. Cause I got ti. Tdayss." said Dee, in an annoying obnoxious voice.
"Yeah, whatever, you're not catching much with those mosquitoes bites you call breasts." said Dennis
"Well, ok, but I am on Mac's team. We'd make an awesome team, we'll like beat all of you." said Charlie
"Ok, well, I am Dee's team. Team Titties." said Frank
"What. No, no God damni-" said Dee, interrupted
"Ok, fine, you're on." said Mac
"Oh whatever guys, I am hanging out with my frat half-brothers." said Dennis, as the group split up, each grabbing a handful of plastic bags
"I don't know man. We kind of could have used Dee's titties on our team. And Dennis has his frat guys." said Charlie nervously to Mac
"Relax dude, I've got this." said Mac
"Get a load of these." yelled Dee, as she lifted up her shirt as the first float rolled by. The guy on the float, with a giant smile on his face, elbowing his crew mates to get their attention, throw a whole bag filled with beads at her. "Sweet." said Dee
"Oh man, its so sad this might be my last parade ever. My AIDS its finally kicking in and the doctors say I probably have less than a year left." said Frank loudly, within the earshots of multiple people around.
"Hey" said a random 50 year-old woman, tapping Frank on the shoulder, as he turned around, "huh?"
Unexpectedly, she flashed him and then put six large beads around his neck, while several people around him cheered.
"Dad, what are you doing." whispered Dee
"I am doing the old 'Boo hoo, I got AIDS' scam." whispered Frank proudly
"Well, can you do it somewhere else. You're ruining my 'I have titties so I get free shit' game. Get out of here Frank." said Dee
"Well, ok, but let me get some more beads first so that I get flashed." said Frank, as helped himself to Dee's beads and just took a handful of them.
"Oh, oh, God, god dammnitttt." said Dee annoyed, not wanting to make a scene by denying an old man with 'AIDS' from having cheap plastic beads.
"Well, whatever, fine, you do your fake cancer thing while I do my titties thing." said Dee
"Its AIDS." said Frank
"Whatever." said Dee, as she flashed the next float that passed by, this time getting a smaller payout from the woman on the float, giggling.
"Hey, shouldn't we call the cops." said a random woman standing some 20 feet away. "There's children around here."
"Nah. Don't worry bout it. Theres like 50 other people seeing it. I am sure one of them will do it." replied her husband
"Oh, ok" replied his wife
Dennis was enjoying his time with the frat buddies and several coeds. He slowly tagged along, as they walked down the street moving further away from the parade, presumably to meet up with more people.
**boink** A mid-sized Nerf football struck Dennis in the back, causing him to spill his beer all over the place.
"God damnit." yelled Dennis
"My bad." said a 9 year-old boy, attempting to throw the ball to another 9-year old boy.
"What is it with these kids playing ball. Shouldn't they be at home watching cartoons or something." said Dennis
The scenery around them was largely a mixed crowd; families with children, packs of college aged friends, several elderly couples. A little over half wearing green. Several children throw footballs or baseballs around in the nearby area. Several cops were clearing out people from the street, putting up barricades.
Mac and Charlie were slowly walking in the opposite direction of the parade, catching whatever they could. As a giant carrot got thrown and the woman in front of them doesn't catch it, it hit the ground and broke in two.
"Ten second rule." said Charlie, as he picked up the raw carrot piece and ate it. They walked some more, picking up fallen beads and Charlie picked up a piece of fallen broccoli and ate it raw.
"Dude, I think we should turn back. We're like walking away from the parades, but we should be going back the other way." rambled Charlie
"No dude, trust me on this." said Mac, as he nearly tripped over an abandoned bag of beads, vegetables, plastic cups, and other babble.
"Oh my God, I can't believe they just left their trash like that." said Charlie
"I know right. Who does that." exclaimed Mac, as they looked around, and then slowly looked at each other.
Without skipping a beat, they went for the abandoned bag stuffing their Walmart bags with their steals.
"Dude, I just have an awesome idea. What if like instead of trying to catch beads, which is pretty hard to do, what if we look around for abandoned catches." said Mac
"Well, dude, I mean, isn't that like stealing." said Charlie
"Well, I mean, no dude. I mean they left their stuff, so its like public property." said Mac
"Ok, yeah, but like what if they like come back?" said Charlie
"Ok, how about this. I have an awesome idea. We do a thing where we provide a service where we watch other people's stuff like when they go to the bathroom and stuff and they give us some of the stuff. "said Mac
"I mean, yeah, we could do that. Whats the VIG on that." said Charlie
"But I was thinking more like a trade thing, where you know, we trade you like 10 beads for 1 carrot, but then we like trade 2 carrots for 10 beads, that kind of thing." continued Charlie, as the two argued about the best scheme to get the most beads
Out of nowhere, a giant bag of bag of beads and a cabbage head is in the air, with a clear shot for Mac to make the catch. Mac catches the cabbage and puts it in the bag.
"Dude, what are doing?" asked Charlie
"Well, I am going to cook this whenever I get back. Dude, like everyone knows that gay men make the best cooks." said Mac
"Well, I mean yeah. But like wasn't the bet whoever catches the most beads." said Charlie, as Mac jumps up in the air to catch a wildly thrown frisbee.
"Dude. But you can actually eat vegetables and besides frisbees are a lot harder to catch, so they're worth a lot more." said Mac
"Well, no dude. The bet was whoever catches the most BEADS. All the other stuff doesn't count. Dude, I don't even know why are you carrying the other stuff around. You should like either throw it out or trade it." said Charlie
"Well no dude. I'd rather catch cups and coins. We already have enough beads." rebutted Mac
"Yo Denis, does cups & coins & fruits count 4 our bets." texted Charlie, to Dennis
They continued bickering over what to catch as their bags were getting full. Suddenly, from a distance, Mac saw a frisbee thrown from three floats down. Mac, judging the wind and spin figured (correctly) that its trajectory would turn towards them; stopped the conversation mid sentence and went for it.
Mac shoved a middle-aged man, making him spill his beer, and juked several people around him. A ten-year-old girl and an elderly grandma got slightly pushed out of the way. Mac tuned everything and everyone around him out focusing on the frisbee.
In Mac's head, he was in the middle of Lincoln Financial Field running towards the endzone. The frisbee was the football, with only a Cowboy's and a Giant's corner standing in his way from making the game winning touchdown. Mac leaped in the air making the one-handled catch as a sea of Eagle fans went wild cheering him, gripping their beers. The Eagles stadium touchdown horn blasted. The horn and cheers grew louder and louder, as Mac slowly got up and dusted himself off, about to do a victory dance.
The score horn continued to get louder and louder until Mac snapped out of it. A tractor carrying a float slammed on its brakes as the driver blew the horn, with Mac jumping out of the way in the last second. A cop from a distance yelled at him. As Mac regained focus, the "Cowboy's and the Giant's defenders" were just two random guys, one wearing a gray t-shirt and the other a blue one. The sea of "cheering Eagles fans" were parade goers on both sides of the streets, decked out in green. Several cheered and clapped, impressed by Mac's catch while the majority completely ignored him, cheering at the floats hoping to get beads thrown to them.
Charlie was on the other side of the street, separated by floats and a marching band. Out of nowhere, Charlie ran across the street between a high school marching band and the next float while a cop spotted him from a distance.
"Whoa dude, that was awesome" yelled Charlie, hauling a bag of catches while the bag was on the verge of ripping.
"Dude, that was like worth two dozens of beads right there. I mean it doesn't count because its like not part of the bet and I didn't record it, but like dude, you're the bead winner in my book." continued Charlie, as their Walmart bag ripped.
"Hey, you two. Over here." yelled the cop sternly from a distance
"Oh shit." said Mac, as the two scoped up as many beads as possible, fumbling, attempting to outrun the cop.
"You need help with that." said the random parade goer, wearing a green t-shirt that read 'You pinch, I punch' as he offered them several empty grocery bags.
"That was one hell of a catch" added the random parade goer
"Thanks dude" said Mac, as the two packed their beads into the bag.
"I suggest you double bag it." said the parade goer
The cop was separated from Mac and Charlie by the next slow moving float. "Dude, just follow my lead" said Mac, as they melted into the crowd.
First they ran, then slowed down to regular pace as the cop crossed the street and slowly pursued them. Some 5 minutes later the cop caught up with them as they played dumb. Another giant bag of green beads was thrown in the air, which Mac and Charlie ignored as a group of people went for it.
"Man that was fun, but some of these people take a bit too far." said Mac loudly, intentionally within the earshot of the cop, pretending not to see him
"I know right" said Charlie
"I wonder where these kids's parents are. That can be dangerous." added Mac, gas-lighting the cop.
The cop, not sure if these are the same two running into the street given his distance and their now controlled behavior, figured its not worth the paperwork and went back to yelling at idiots playing on the streets.
"Dude, I can't believe that worked." said Mac
"I know, right." said Charlie, as the two made their way back to the frat hangout
Dee , separated from Frank, was catching her fair share of the beads. Unfortunately, the lion share went to the children in front. "God damnit, I am never gonna catch any beads with these children around. They're gonna get all the catches, I better find a better spot." muttered Dee to herself.
She walked over about a block or two. As the next float rolled by, she flashed her breasts catching a sizable amount, but still less than several non-flashers despite being the only one flashing at the crew.
Dee was annoyed that her catch rate isn't as much as she expected, but also annoyed that her bags are getting full and heavy.
"Gimme that."
"No, I had it first" said two random 10-year-old boys, fighting over a plastic alligator they caught simultaneously, as they bumped Dee and nearly knocked her over playing tug-of-war for the toy.
"Gimme" said one of the kids, making a fist, as Dee got annoyed by the fighting.
"Hey, wanna see something cool." said Dee to the kids
As they turned their attention to her, she quickly flashed them.
"Woah, do it again." said the kid, as they both scrambled to give her the plastic alligator
"That was awesome." said one of the kids, as they hive-fived each other, and one quickly snapped a picture on his phone when Dee flashed them again.
"Hey, gimme your number so I can send you these." whispered the kid to the other
"Still got it." thought Dee to herself, while double-bagging her catches as she noticed the first bag starting to rip.
"Hey, what the hell do you think you're doing." said a 40-something year old woman, the mother of one of the children, witnessing Dee flashing her boy
"You better get the hell outtah here before I call the cops." said her husband sternly and angrily, as Dee walked away meekly, as the dad turned his attention to his kid.
"What the hell did I tell you about fighting with other kids for catches, get yer ass over hear..." the dad continued yelling at his kid.
"I will be praying for you. I've seen bigger miracles than this. You might beat it." said a woman in her 60's, comforting Frank about his non-existent AIDS.
"Here you go sweetie." said the woman, giving Frank a ton of beads.
"And here you go." said the woman, as she flashed Frank, as he had a big smile on his face continuing the scan.
"Maybe I'll even get lucky and bring these women to the apartment" thought Frank
Dennis and the frat bros slowly walked back to their hang out location. The younger college guys hung out in the front, flirting with random women and goofing around. The older guys, some in their 40's, including Dennis; sat back and relaxed talking about the good old days, some talking about their married life. Dennis meanwhile just slowly sipped on beer and relaxed, sitting in his folding chair. As the 10th float out of the 20 rolled by passed him, Dennis enjoyed ogling at the high school dance team between the floats.
"Ah, nothing can ruin this perfect day." Dennis thought to himself as Dee, Mac, and Charlie slowly walked towards him, hauling their catches.