Chapter 19

King Me

Thursday

New Orleans

+ the metro area

10:45 AM

"... who's waking up to drive you home when..."

"...Hey, I just want to make a quick comment. I think that the tariffs are a bad idea..."

"...Well, I don't think Big Al would date Kelly..."

"...Now, some people say that the tariffs are a bad idea. But others say that they're a good idea. Give me a call, you're listening to Spud, we're be right back after ..."

"What are you doing Charlie?" said Mac, as Charlie played with the radio

"Well, I am just trying to like find a real local station, so that I can like be like an authentic New Orleans guy and hear what the real people have to say." said Charlie

"Thats actually a good idea. Well, your bus stop is here, see you in a few hours." said Mac, as he dropped Charlie off near the French Quarter, while looking for a place to park.

Back at Rummel High School

"God damnit it Dee, I told you no one would believe you're young enough to be in high school" said Dennis in a condescending tone. Dee, ignoring his insult, waved flirtatiously at a pair of guys walking

"Wait, hold on. Something's off." said Dennis, as he looked around.

"Dee, did you research this school at all." said Dennis, pulling out his phone as they walked back towards their car. Dee pulled out her phone and did likewise.

"GOD DAMNIT IT DEE!" said Dennis

"Oh. Go.. God damnit." said Dee, as she pulled up the 'about' section on the school's website

"..Rummel Catholic high school, founded 1962 serving young men in our community. Committed to providing excellent values…" Dee continued reading

"Why the hell did you try applying to an all boy's school." said Frank. "Now you're going to have to identify as a boy before they sue you for the Me-Two movement for sexually harassing them."

"Shut up Frank." said Dennis "Why the hell did you try applying here." he continued

"Well, how am I supposed to know. I just randoml..." said Dee, cutoff mid-sentence

"Well, so we go back there." asked Frank

"Oh, absolutely." said Dennis and Dee simultaneously, as the three turned back walking towards the principal's office, barging in while he was on the phone

Talking at the same time.

"Look, I didn't know Rummel was an all boys' school. I thought you just thought I was too old." said Dee

…

"You're not gonna sue us for the Me-Two or Me-Three movement? But you have to be honest, does she look young enough to pass for a high school student?" said Frank

...

"Hey, I just realized I am actually supposed to march in the parade Sunday coming from this place anyway. Can you do me a solid and just let my sister Dee march." said Dennis

...

"God damnit it Dennis, I am not retarded. Also, yeah, I am getting older, get over it. Its not like you would have passed for a high school boy either Dennis." said Dee

…

"HEY! ONE AT A TIME. ONE AT A TIME. HEY, GUYS." said the principal, gradually raising his voice until the three stopped talking, trying to piece together everything they said

"So let me get this straight." he continued, highly annoyed as he had to disconnect his phone call

"You three are on vacation from Philadelphia. You are one of the people marching in the annual St Patrick's parade because of your connections at a fraternity, and you lied about your sister being retarded hoping to get her in the parade as well." said the principal at Dennis disapprovingly, continued as he turned his attention to Dee

"And you are an aspiring actress who fraudulently lied to me about being high school age just so that you could enroll in Rummel High for a week and march in a parade, but by random chance chose an all-boys high school." said the principal, giving Dee a dirty look

"And you, their father, encourages this type of behavior." said the principal sternly

"...welll... I mean. ... If you put it like that...?" said Dee nervously, as the three looked around the room silently. The room suddenly got uncomfortable, with no one willing to break the silence, as the principal stared the three down coldly.

The gang looked at each other, not sure what to say next. The principal sent a text back to his previous caller, the head coach of an opposing team, discussing travel logistics and some friendly banter between the two, lost in deep thought.

"Well, we are kinda short on volunteers to chaperon our parade march. I was kinda hoping we wouldn't have to cancel at the last minute in case someone bailed. I was kinda hoping we could find some responsible adults to help volunteer in the last minute. But God sent ya'll instead I guess." sighted the principal, breaking the silence, as he got up and directed them to follow him towards the break room.

At the University

Charlie got out of the bus, carrying a notebook, pretending to be a student, randomly milling around eavesdropping on random peoples' conversations. "King me" said a random student as he played a game of checkers between classes.

Charlie eventually made his way the cafeteria, getting himself a roast beef poboy, some Okra, hashbrowns, and grits. "Man, this is some authentic New Orleans food." thought Charlie, as he stood in line waiting to pay with cash as the students nearby paid mostly with their mandatory meal plans.

As Charlie finished his meal, he continued milling around campus until he finally entered a building with a lot of students in. A large hall, with nearly 500 students in attendance, Charlie snuck his way into the back.

"Hey, I was out last week, we still on the STI chapter?" whispered a random student as Charlie shrugged.

The French Quarter

Mac milled around the quarter near Bourbon Street and St Ann, the gay section. He randomly entered several clubs, getting a cheapest drink possible; while flirting with random men in the area. "Oh man, I should have came out years ago. How much of my life have I wasted." thought Mac

"Can I buy you a drink." said a random, older guy in his 50's

"Sure." said Mac, scoring as many free drinks as he could, too cheap to buy his own, continued flirting. Meanwhile, a loud preacher was yelling about the evils of homosexuality some 20 feet away through a megaphone

"Oh. My. God. These guys again." said a random club goer, in a slight lisp

"If I wasn't on vacation, I would totally be a bouncer for this place. No one would fuck with this place if I was around." said Mac intensely

"Ohhh. You sexy thing. This place could use a tough guy like you." said another club goer, as Mac felt flattered at the thought of others thinking he's a tough guy.

Back at Rummel High School

The principal led the three to the break room, as Frank just helped himself to donuts and coffee lying on the table. Dee and Dennis would raid the refrigerator as Dee found some left over King Cake.

"We still have some left over King Cake from Mardi Gras. We were gonna throw it out but I am sure its still good." replied the principal, continued

"Anyway, as I was saying, we are looking for volunteers to chaperon the kids. Is that something you would be interested in." talking to Dee, as she ate the King Cake.

"Sure, and I can do my acting routine." said Dee. "Ouch. What the hell." thought Dee, biting on hard plastic as she continued eating the king cake. A couple of random teachers walked in.

"Well no, you would just march." said the principal nonchalantly, as Dee was trying practicing random acting gestures

"Oh hey, this is Ms Dee Reynolds, our latest volunteer to chaperon the parade. And this is..." continued the principal. "They're on vacation from Philadelphia visiting our fine area, trying to get a more authentic experience."

"Welcome yall. I see you're eating the king cake. Just remember, if yall find the baby it means you have to buy the next cake." said the teacher jokingly, as Dee discretely moved the plastic baby between her teeth and lower lip upon hearing that.

They continued introducing themselves, shaking hands, milling around and making small talk. "So, I hear that you're an actress and a stand up comedian in your spare time. Do you have any funny jokes for us." said the teacher, continuing her friendly banter.

"Well, I mean not on the top of my head." said Dee, slightly lisping with the plastic baby wedged between her teeth and lower lips. As the random conversations continue, Dee slowly and discreetly made her way to where the garbage and recycling bins were, answering questions with as few words as possible. As no one looked, Dee quickly spit out the plastic baby and throw it out.