Happy April Fool's, guys! Did you really think that was the last chapter before I leave you all in the dust? I'm not that cruel.

So here's the real chapter of the day. The last one was just a mistake that I wanted to get rid of, since I don't know how to salvage it without scrapping it then writing a new one. But hey, it shows that I'm not perfect.

(And I apologized already to Thranduil and Bard for making themselves into my court jesters for the day. The Elvenking has yet to forgive me.)

Thilbo4Ever: I'm glad you liked the last last chapter! And thanks for the 'enjoy your trip' thing (I don't know the word for it). Please do send some prompts for me before I leave without any precious Wi-Fi on the tenth.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Hobbit because if I claims otherwise, the sensible Hobbit that Bilbo is will give me my own smack that I most undoubtedly deserve.

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I.

Bilbo contemplated smacking this very rude, tactless dwarf (even if admittedly handsome for someone that was so hairy) in front of him. Not only had he barged in his house without introducing himself, he also insulted him! Where did this dwarf come from to not learn in any decent manners? Did his parents not teach him any? Or was he stupid enough to not remember them? Or did this dwarf enjoy being rude to Hobbits or to anybody for that matter?

The Hobbit minutely shook his head. He was a proper Hobbit. A proper Hobbit do not hit their guests no matter how much they were rude and unwanted. It was not the way of a Baggins, no matter how tempting.

(However, his suppressed Took side really wanted to hit the male. And if it wasn't for the wizard or the other dwarves or the fact that the rude dwarf still had his pointy weapon, he would have took the risk and punched him.)

II.

"I see you are all safe," Gandalf pulled the exiled king aside.

Master Oakenshield snarled, "If not for your burglar, we wouldn't be here."

Bilbo frowned as he caught the dwarfs comment. He just saved their blasted lives! How can Oakenshield insult him when it was him who stalled the trolls until the sun hit them? The idiot didn't even do anything!

And if it was anyone's fault, then the blame should fall onto the lads' shoulders. They were the ones to push him into the trolls' campsite.

Thorin Oakenshield needed a swat across the head to get that intelligence he was oh so proud of out into the open.

III.

Thorin Oakenshield seriously needed a thwack on the head. He just insulted their host (like he did in Bag-End)! Even if Bilbo was fourth in line for Thainship and he had no idea about politics between races (keyword being between. That didn't mean he couldn't negotiate with the other Hobbits though), but even he knew how to be tactful.

What if Lord Elrond threw them out, where the orcs were? What if he told his elves to shoot them down? Surely he wouldn't do that; his mother's stories and opinions of the elf were always nice and positive. But Bilbo heard of the infamous animosity between the elves and dwarves also and he didn't know if it would influence any decisions the Elf Lord will make.

The high-strung Hobbit sighed in relief as they were shown in Lord Elrond's halls.

(If the Company did anything to get them kicked out, especially the exiled king, he would give them what they deserve, manners or no manners!)

IV.

Bilbo stood still in shock. Thorin was hugging him and calling him a friend. Bilbo knew he just saved the Dwarf but he wondered whether he had died and was in heaven or was dreaming. Perhaps the Dwarf King hit his head when the white warg threw him down?

Maybe, the Hobbit thought, I should hit him. Or myself.

Before Bilbo could actually go through with his deranged thought, the (possibly delusioned) Dwarf had let him go, and the Hobbit was stuttering out words he couldn't remember.

Maybe it was still possible to pinch Thorin?

V.

What is it with Thorin and being rude to his hosts? Was it a Dwarf thing? Bilbo suspected it was, with the ill manners the Company showed in Bag-End, Rivendell, and now in the Bowman's house.

Bard did all he could in obtaining makeshift weapons, Bilbo could tell. Haven't the dwarves seen the sate of this town? They hardly look like they had the basics, much less iron-forged swords.

The burglar wanted to thump the idiotic King upside the head.

1

"You will never have a single piece of our gold!" Thorin shouted to the Elvenking and the leader of Esgaroth. "It belongs to the Dwarrows and the Dwarrows alone! None will go to leaf-eaters and bastards of Me–"

Thorin broke off in mid-rant as Bilbo Baggins stepped forward, proceeding to smack the gold-sick Dwarf King, quite viciously. It left a rather nice red mark on the dense idiot's cheek. Thorin looked shocked as his head swivelled back.

"Enough, Thorin! Just give them what you've promised them!" the Hobbit screamed, eyes glinting in the sunlight. The Halfling actually looked frightening for once, despite his small stature.

"Bilbo –"

"No! I will not hear of it! They have two armies of Elves and Men down there, and there is an army of orcs coming! A group of fourteen – maybe thirteen! – cannot hold them both off!"

"Listen to your burglar, Oakenshield, " Thranduil stated calmly, not at all worried that the dwarf might actually shoot him. Bard did not seemed to share his thoughts. "He is far wiser than you are, even in his young age."

"Shut up, weed-eater!" the raven snarled.

"Thorin! Do it or I swear I'll find the Arkenstone and throw it into the damn lake!" Bilbo glared at the friend he made after saving his life. It was exceedingly hard to keep his patience with the short-tempered dwarf. "Do not test me or do you want another hit on your head? Preferably with a rock? I can go find one, there's plenty in this mountain."

"Fine," the king commented after furious whispering with Balin and Dwalin (not to mention furious glaring and staring from the other Company members). "They will get their gold and then we exterminate Azog and his vermin army."

"Good. And to think I actually get to hit you in this adventure," Bilbo smiled, and not the usual smile either. The Hobbit looked rather evil in that moment as he continued to think about hitting Thorin Oakenshield.

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Shadow: So, Bilbo, how does it feel to smack some sense into his Royal Grumpiness in the end?

Bilbo: Surprisingly good, actually. I've been wanting to do that since we first met.

Shadow: We know. It's mentioned on the top. Also, congrats on stopping the idiots you call family from warring with their allies.

Kíli: Hey!

Fíli: Yeah!

Company: *Agrees*

Thorin: *glaring* Geek...

Shadow: Oh hush you. Don't say you wouldn't go to war with the others for a pile of rubble.

Company: HEY!

Thorin: It's not a pile of rubble, Geek. It is our legacy and the hard work of our ancestors! You do not get to call it rubble!

Bilbo: It's a pile of rocks. It's rubble.

Shadow: Agreed. Listen to the sensible Hobbit. I mean, gold is nice and handy and all, but it can't do everything. It just sits there and look pretty.

Thorin: It's not rubble!

Shadow: Whatever you say. It's still rubble to us.

Bilbo: Can I smack them now?

Shadow: Go ahead. You don't need my permission, Bilbo.

Company: Don't you dare!

Shadow: Have fun, guys! See you later!