They never spoke of it. He never spoke to her and she to him. Their gazes would meet and clash, blue and gold. A challenge would ring into the air, his demanding and hers nonchalant. He was trying to break through her walls, and she was not even taking the challenge. She was literally being the Queen in her own pedestal, looking down at him with a smirk. He hated her for this, an emotion he never thought he would feel for her. Hated how she would hide behind scales like mithril, impenetrable unless allowed. He hated her because he saw himself in her. The high and mighty aura of knowing more and being more than anyone. Smaug hated this vulnerability and obsession of the mere lass.
I will not yield. Smaug decided when Susan passed by him while calling for Corin to come with her. The Queen sending Tumnus a smile and whispering a few words that made him fail faking a smile.
Tumnus was trying his best to figure out what he must do to ease the tension. This time, the tension of being chased was far from anyone's mind. They were in Narnian waters and mermaids guided them home. The tension was choking, but no one was brave enough to address it openly for fear of seeing the wrath of Edmund, Susan or the dragon Smaug. Edmund who was poison well-kept and quick, with his anger and guilt. Smaug who was fire with his hidden rage. Susan, dear Susan, was ice like the White Witch's winter, in her cold civility and almost snow colored eyes. Sometimes, Tumnus wished that one of them would just snap, but knowing Susan, he knew she would never be the first.
"Gentle things aren't easy to break Tumnus." Susan, hollowed eyes and shaking hands. Susan, steady voiced and straight backed. Susan, spring and winter rolled into one. Susan, calm, steady and searing as the summer sun. Susan, who looked at her shaking hands as if they weren't hers. Susan, gleaming white amid the golden sands of Tashbaan. Out of place, so out of place.
Susan who had the ability to put herself in a glass cage and let everyone see that nothing was, (is, and will) affecting her. "No one would know of my sacrifices, dear friend. I prefer it that way. For Narnia, no one would know how deep in the muck I am willing to go."
"You need not do so. We are here. We pledged to protect you and you need not put yourself in such danger." Tumnus begged. "We will find a way out of this, and everything will be alright."
"Of course." Susan, whose voice was like that of a breeze. Susan, whose burdens no one can see the full weight of. Susan, two hours before she agreed to be locked away in a room for the safety of her Narnian party. A few hours after Rabadash vowed to every one of them, that her refusal would mean each of their heads on a platter. "This is just a miscalculation, there is no need to fuss."
"If you never planned to agree with his proposal, why come here? Why risk this?" He whispered, knowing even in this desolate garden that ears were everywhere. He didn't understand why. Never understood why she would take too much and keep it hers. Why she would keep her lips sealed even when her siblings were there to help. Why she chose the path of being the martyr.
"Because if it is for the good of Narnia, then I am hers to order. A Queen is for her people, and among all others, this is for each of them that I vowed that they will live their lives happily, peacefully and in prosperity."
(Tumnus would only know the answers to his 'whys', when he got a chance to watch as Susan Pevensie first swiped the blood red lipstick on her lips. Answers will come when her hair would bounce in tight curls as she prepares for another party. Answers when she would smile to a young soldier, bright and real.
Answers with every "You will come home, never the same, but you will come home." to a soldier scared of leaving his family and just putting a brave face. Susan would know, she could read without any word being exchanged. With every "War is an ugly thing, a necessity that was bred by greed." to an official who would ask what her view was. With every secret that she would seal under her skin. With every lie that she would tell to her siblings. "Narnia is but a game Lucy, time to grow up." because this would be their reality and it was darker, grimier and needs more light than Narnia would. "Time to look onward." because Narnia had moved forward without them.
Susan's sacrifices would never be sung, but one way or another it would be known. Tumnus, in the future that would come, will make sure of that.)
"Because war would come one way or another, and better sooner and less prepared than the other option." Susan's last words before she went to Rabadash to give her answer to his demand. Her last words before she was locked into a room that spat her out bared. A release in more ways than one.
"Master Tumnus!" He snapped out of his reverie to look at the captain of the ship. A red haired, blue eyed man who lived his life with the sea. Captain Dannis of the Splendor Hyaline and an Admiral of Narnia, pointed to the sky before passing the helm to his first mate. Immediately, Tumnus turned his gaze to the sky and listened as Dannis' footsteps echoed closer to where he was. He also knew that the whole crew had paused in whatever they were doing to see what their Captain was about. "Do you see it?" Dannis said once he was standing beside the faun.
An Albatross. Tumnus hurried to welcome it and to know what was happening for him to come. An Albatross who came all this way when they were still two days away from the dock of the Cair. He saw in the corner of his gaze, Dannis disappearing below the deck to call on the monarchs. He also took note of Smaug approaching, but put it off the moment the Albatross landed.
"Greetings... Tumnus, great..." The Albatross heaved.
"Deep breaths good cousin. Deep breaths." Tumnus interrupted, knowing that Albatrosses, being the Great Birds of the Sea, were formal with their interactions and it was better that the monarchs were with them when the news was delivered. "The captain already summoned Their Majesties. Take your time for you have travelled far. Please."
"Thank you."
What reigned after was heavy breathing before hurried footsteps. Susan's voice came shortly, steady and welcome. "Greetings good cousin, why come to us in this time? Is something afoot in your home that you seek our assistance? Or something far worse?"
"I am Kot, brother to Fadik, who is of your employ. I bring news Your Majesty. Your Royal Sister, Queen Lucy, received news from the borders of Narnia. War is upon us my Queen and King. Calormene troops march to Anvard intent of taking the capital. After doing so, they plan to take Narnia." Alarm tinted his voice and fatigue pushed on his wings. Tumnus watched Susan and found no surprise but relief. "Rabadash leads the troops and King Lune asks for assistance. Her Majesty, Queen Lucy, prepares for war as we speak."
"Did our sister speak of anything else?" Edmund continued, his racing mind clear in his burning gaze.
"She will wait for you to arrive before marching off to Anvard. She also asks that you send her a letter of what happened in Tashbaan. One from you exclusively Queen Susan." Susan nodded, a small smile on her lips. "That is all, Your Majesties."
"Thank you Kot, for your valiance and for your strength." Edmund knelt before the Albatross, Susan following suit. "You've done well and we are forever in your debt."
Susan and Edmund bowed in unison, and when they looked up, their faces were sculpted for battle. "Please rest as much as you can. We apologize for pushing you too much but we will need you to make flight in an hour's time. We will have the letter prepared as soon as possible and Tumnus will take care of your sustenance and rest. Thank you so much."
"Captain?"
"We'll see the Swan fly, my Queen." Dannis replied and Susan nodded with a gracious smile. Then they were gone, off to their own to plan before bringing doom to where they must.
As Peter and Lucy were fire and storm, Susan and Edmund were tsunamis and whirlpools. One rages then passes, the other takes then keeps. Tumnus remembered the names the Narnians gave the Four. Harbingers, guardians, leaders and prophets.
Barbarians, echoed in his mind. Catching Susan's ice colored eyes and Edmund's grim smile before they disappeared from sight, Tumnus wondered if the voice inside his head was right.
BREAK
"What happened to her?" That was the third time Edmund didn't answer Smaug's question ever since he entered the room. The King was in the middle of drawing plans and formulating questions for the battle he will plunge himself to the moment he steps on land, and Smaug felt Edmund was doing it on purpose. "On your end of the story. That much you can tell me."
Susan's chilled scream rang like a battle cry in Edmund's head. (It was one.) He dare not turn as memories flashed like that of a picture book, too fast to comprehend but too painful to see. Ocean eyes bleeding tears and keeping blood. A tensed jaw. White fists. Shaking limbs. Fear. Anger. Death. Edmund knew that as much as Susan was afraid back then for being overpowered, it was more of her will than by pure battle of strength.
Susan would never bow to anyone unworthy of her unless it is for something bigger. She could've killed Rabadash while half naked and without caring. His sisters were warrior women who had shed blood in their own ways and no one in Narnia would know just how much Susan did. Sometimes not even him, Edmund the Just. Susan the Secretive was a more suitable title.
"We are characters of a story. A hero of our own and a villain to another's. This is our tale of survival. Our tale of adaptation. Some are meant to be told like the sun shining bright in the blue sky, or the lovely moon and the twinkling stars. Some kept for others to discover, for history is written by the victors, never the survivors." Words that ran around like a chant, the memory attached to it one of unimagined coldness to someone hailed Kind. A memory of cruelty and heartlessness for one crowned Gentle. "Cruelty to whom Edmund? You're place is to see both sides. It's not mine. Mine is to make sure that we will go onward."
Edmund and his balance. Peter and his shield. Lucy and her beacon. Susan and her masks.
No one would know of Susan's sacrifice. A twisted vow that the Four kept.
"Boy." Edmund blinked, only recognizing the pain on his shoulder from digging fingers and the burning gaze on his own. He blinked, looking up to see blazing gold eyes and a threat that could burn him...literally. "Answer me."
"Your ears are smoking." He smirked belatedly when he realized the automatic lie. The grip tightened and he kept his face calm, even when his mind was racing with the disadvantages in the battlefield this would result to. No worries, diluted drop of the fire-flower can help. He was sure Susan would notice however he kept the pain. She always noticed and always kept, always played, always riddled.
"Answer. Me. Boy."
He scoffed, not even believing that this Dragon would be so stupid not to realize. He wanted to laugh, a rare emotion these days, and maybe poke those eyes to see if they would still bleed red. Murderous thoughts were more of Susan's area than his. Quite dangerous if he was being infected by her murder mood. "What do you think happens when a raving man obsessed with the possibility of a trophy wife, locks said trophy wife under the threat of putting her companions' heads on platters? What do you think a man would do to stake his claim? How far one would go to keep? To own?"
Edmund watched as broken thoughts met in those golden eyes. Watched as confusion reigned for a few moments and clarity the next, then horror a moment after, followed by a torrent of intensity. He gave the Dragon a wry smile. "I didn't believe when Susan said you weren't that princess kidnapping dragon. Your reaction's proof enough."
Smaug stepped away and stood stock still.
Edmund honestly expected that he would turn dragon or roar his fury at him, maybe burn him to crisp.
"Now that you got what you seek, please, I've wasted precious moments of the hour."
The door wasn't slammed as he expected, and when he turned back to his writing and felt pain on his shoulder, he thanked Aslan that Susan decided they all practice to be ambidextrous. It came easier with them who chose that blades on both hands are better than a sword and a shield. That a good offense is a good defense. That freedom is essential.
Edmund understood the darkness that Susan played in. It didn't mean that he liked it.
BREAK
Smaug found Susan in a similar pose as Edmund when he barged into her quarters. Her head bent and blowing air to the drying seal of a rolled up parchment. Letter to Lucy. She ignored him. The only sign of acknowledgement was the slight tilt of her head when the door clicked close. There was no address, no welcome or greeting of any kind.
"Don't you think that to carry on with this façade is childish Susan Pevensie?" He was rooted in that spot by the door, not knowing whether he had permission to go deeper to the room or if it was to have a quick getaway when he found himself needing one.
There was a chuckle, almost inaudible except for the slight shake of her shoulders. "You lost. And here I thought you would win this game you set."
"You thought that this is a game?" He was glad that the anger that sparked didn't bled into his words. 'This silence? What is this? Who stays quiet the longest?"
"Who would want to talk to you with all the glares that you send the moment someone steps to your direction? You never approached me for the last three days and well... two can play such game." She didn't turn to face him, just commenting then returning to drying her seal. Her calm made him bristle, especially the dark thoughts that he came to conclude the moment Edmund spilled as much as he was able.
"Edmund told me." She straightened, a moment of tension before she was back to her own graceful skin, and then turned to him. Finally.
"Really?" He wanted to tear her skin apart and find where the child he met so long ago was. Wanted to ask if she was happy with her decisions and if this was a choice. She didn't believe him, or at least she didn't believe that he would know everything from Edmund. "What did he say?"
Her trust to him could never hold a candle to her trust to Edmund, or any of her siblings. That much he knew. (He would know in the future that she could and would doubt Aslan, but she could and would never doubt Edmund, Lucy and Peter.) "Enough for me to jump to a conclusion. I come for clarification."
[for future chapter:
Her belief in her siblings was more steadfast than to the Lion. Her doubt on the Lion was the basis of her sanity. To her siblings, it was their woven lives (of which she was the loose thread). Her belief that whatever would happen, they would move on to the direction they chose and they would pursue it without hesitation.
That they would believe in Narnia, even when she could no longer do so. That they would believe enough for her.]
"Of which I would never give."
"Why Susan Pevensie? Scared?" Smaug was getting desperate and if desperation is the way to get his answer, then he would shove to get it. "Or are you surprised that one miscalculation can result to so much?"
She flinched. Satisfaction purred in his belly. "Some events are better left unknown."
"About your failure?" He let his back rest on the door, smirking as she stood up and completely face him.
"I didn't fail, especially if we talk of my criteria of success."
"Then if it is a part of your success, then why not boast it?"
"The history books saying that we escaped from Tashbaan, that we won this war, would be enough."
"What did you escape?" Another flinch.
"Why turn down the marriage?" He continued. Her hands clenched into fists.
"Did he not suffice in your criteria of a perfect bedmate?" He grinned wide. "Or is he just another tally to your list, Queen Heartbreaker?"
The next moment, his head was snapped back to the right and his cheek was burning. Susan's quick breathing echoed the room and the sound of the slap was missed when it happened. Smaug did hear a trace of it in his head.
"How. Dare. You." She held the hand that hurt him to her breasts, and glared at him. Tears barely holding on the edges of her eyes. "How. Dare. You."
He watched her in silence, waiting and expecting that what he did was enough to crack that perfectly crafted mask of hers.
"Out."
"No." He tensed, anger replying to her own. Her hand raised for another slap and he stopped her with a steady grip. A drop of tear ran down her left cheek. He pulled her closer, encasing her in his arms. "No."
"Let me go." She pushed at his chest and didn't meet his eyes. He didn't dare seek it after that.
"No." He buried his face to her hair and tightened his hold enough to make the point. "I want to know. I want to know about what pain you went through. I want to know it so much to keep the voices in my head quiet and for the images in my eyes stop making worse to worst and even situations I couldn't imagine happening came before me."
She whimpered, pushing him away again.
He felt breathless and hoarse, a roar he wanted to release but cannot. "You don't need to tell me. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to, but I will try. Just... please Susan. Break while we are here. Break while we can catch and help you get up. Break while we can do our best to piece you back."
She shook her head and tightened her hold to his clothes.
"Please." In the back of his mind, he wondered why he was going so far for her. Going so far as to beg and let desperation dictate his actions. "You cannot handle all this alone. Let go."
A big breath from her. Another shake of head.
"I won't let you out this room. I won't let you go. You can hate me after but I wouldn't let you go on like this." He could take her hate, if it would mean she would smile and it would reach her eyes.
"We want to kill him." He tightened his hold on her, a sign that he heard. He didn't know if he was shaking on his own or because she was shaking. "We want to see him dead and choking in his own blood. We want to castrate him and shove it in his throat. We want to burn him out of existence."
"We can kill him. We know we can, it was so easy to a reckless man as him." He swallowed the questions before they reached his tongue. He gently slid themselves to the floor, his back to the door and moving her to settle more comfortably between his outstretched legs. Her head rested on his chest, her whispers as if it was to his heart. Her grip to his clothes still as tight. "Why didn't we? We can't, because then we would never escape. Edmund and Tumnus would be dead. The plan would be ruined."
("What plan Queen Susan?")
Tears ran freely now, but it was as if it was from another. He combed her tussled hair away from her face with his fingers. Her eyes were glazed, a sign enough for him that she was faraway. "We cannot do that. Right?" She looked at him in askance. "The big fat Tisroc would kill Ed and Mr. Tumnus and the others. Pete would cry. Lu would cry. I promised Mum that we would go home together. They would put the Beavers to sticks and fry them. They would break Oreius to pieces. I cannot kill him..."
"We did good right?" Smaug felt ice in his belly as he tried his best to give her a decent smile.
"I don't know little one." He forced out. Her smile (it reached her eyes) was clearly disconnected to her tears, or her desperate grip.
"We are alive. I think it's good." She chuckled. "It was boring inside that room. It wasn't like the mountain since you weren't there. I was scared, but I was fine. All we could do was wait. They didn't even have books in that room, or paper. Just tons and tons of beautiful dresses. Ouishaa was really kind with helping us dress and bringing us food. She looks at us with those sad eyes, but it's alright. We understand. Are you listening?"
Smaug looked down from his view of the ceiling to her face. His imaginings that everything was fine, that this was just his young Susan talking broke to reality. He cleared his clamped throat and gave another wince. "Yes. Would you like to continue, little one?"
She let her head fall back to his chest and hummed in satisfaction. "Every night, he would come and ask his usual question. He would tell me his usual threats. Tell me that 'my time was running out'. That last night, there was no moon and the desert was so beautiful in the dark...do you know that? Anyway, that last night, he came barging in like you did...but different."
Smaug blinked when he recognized pain and turned to his hand to see talons digging on skin. "D-do you think him and me-"
"No!"
" -alike?"
"No. Never!" Susan shook her head and her hair moved with its ferocity. "Not at all."
He was relieved, there was no mistake at that.
"Anyway, he came in all wild, like an animal...not Talking Animal. And it was like darkness and fire was engulfing him. He had this glint in his eyes... a bit too bright and he was muttering." She faltered. "He..."
Silence. Smaug searched her face only to see her blinking too fast for his liking and her jaw tense enough that he could hear her teeth grinding. Her shaking returned and she held her arms together using white knuckled grips. "He..."
Alarmed, he turned her body to face him just in time to hear her start to hyperventilate. "H...he.."
Dragons don't go to panic attacks. Dragons that he knew. He cradled her face in his hands and watched as her eyes fleeted to every direction. "Susan."
Her eyes snapped to him, the blue pushed to the edges. "He's not here. Do you understand me? He's not here."
He could see her struggle for control and the guilt that she slipped. He saw her on the edge and fighting to stay there. "He's not here. He wouldn't get you."
I will make sure he would never and I will burn him to ashes to do so. "I wouldn't let him."
"He's not here."
Only her breathing and his whispered chanting reigned. He only let his hold on her face loose to hug her, when her breathing slowed and hitched into sobs.
BREAK
Smaug was the one to give the letter to Edmund to tie around Kot's neck. He disappeared back below before anyone could turn and stop him.
When Edmund picked the lock of Susan's room open, he was greeted with a sight of Susan curled on her side, and Smaug sitting on the floor with his head and arms resting on the bed.
She cried. He made her cry. Edmund let himself a sigh of relief. He broke the wall to let the dam out, and now they could rebuild.
He did note, once he closed the door a curious thing.
Hands linked.
TBC