He ran all the way to the campus cafe that Monday after his last class of the day. Beth had been sick all weekend and he couldn't wait to see her and give her the book that he bought her.
But when Randall walked through the door of the cafe there was a guy talking to Beth; a handsome young man with dark brown skin. He was tall, not too muscular but not too skinny. Randall froze, not sure what to do. Should he go over and say hi or wait for the guy to walk away? Beth was expecting him but... he just stood there watching them. Randall noticed the smile on the guys face as he talked to Beth. He should go over there. He should go over and start a scene and tell the stranger that he couldn't look at her like that; that he couldn't smile at her like that!
But he knew Beth wouldn't like that.
So, he waited, not wanting to embarrass himself. Or Beth.
She gives the stranger a short smile and waves bye as he leaves and when she notices Randall she perks up and so does he. He takes the short walk over to Beth, grinning wildly as he gets closer.
"I missed you." He tells her before she can speak and before he can sit down. She puts her latte down gently, her smile growing and her cheeks turning a bright red. "All weekend without seeing you has been..." he stops trying to find the words, "I've just felt really down." He chuckles, it was pathetic really- how much he missed her. "I listened to cry for you all Saturday night. I'm sorry, I know it sounds needy-" Randall says and Beth shakes her head.
"No, it's sweet." Beth smiles, "I missed you too."
"Uh- "Randall clears his throat. "Who was that guy?" He tries to act nonchalant.
"Nobody. Just Jamal."
"Is he a friend? Do you have a class with him, I've never met him."
"We don't have a class together... he's just a guy..."
"How do you know him?"
"We went to high school together."
"Ok... you're not explaining much." He laughs nervously
"He's my ex, Randall." Beth finally says,
"Ex... like boyfriend?" Randall can't stop the panic that starts to set in. "You didn't tell me you had an ex that went to this school!"
"We sort of applied together... I got an academic scholarship and he got a basketball scholarship. But a lot of schools offered him a scholarship.
She strugs,
"And he just decided to come here? Even after you two broke up?"
"He said he liked the team…"
"He's on the basketball team? You have an ex on the basketball team who goes to this school!" Randall repeats,
"It's not a big deal, Randall, really."
"What did he want?"
"Just to say 'hi'. I guess he was walking and saw me and so..." Beth sighs, "Jamal and I haven't talked in months. We were just catching up. Besides, you were a football player-"
"I'm a nerd first and always, Beth." Beth laughs,
"I like that you're a little nerdy, can we talk about something else?" She asks, biting her lip and smiling. "Like is that my get well present in that bag?" Randall forces a grin,
"Yeah... I missed you so much, I spent Saturday in that bookstore and I found this book... it's basically a fairytale myth kind of love story. The description had dragons in it and knights and princesses so... I thought you would like it but if you don't I have the receipt- "
"I'll start on it tonight." Beth says giving him a kiss on the cheek.
"Your welcome." His lips curved upward, his dimples peeking through and her kiss lingering on his cheek.
"Well, maybe in the morning…I think we're overdue for cuddling." She says sweetly, "So tonight, you, me, a different world?" Randall just nods,
"That sounds… perfect."
/
Randall couldn't get Jamal off his mind… Jamal and Beth. Beth and Jamal. It became a song that played over and over in his head. A never-ending song that was starting to taunt him.
Why didn't she tell him about Jamal?
Why did Jamal want to catch up with her? What could he possibly have to say to Beth? What did he want to know?
Why was he so good looking?
Did he miss Beth? Did Beth miss him? Is that why she was being so secretive.
Were they getting back together?
He knew she had a past. Everyone had a past... but why was it so upsetting? Picturing Beth with another guy... he hates it. His insecurities were starting to show, and he didn't like that either. The side of him that wondered what kind of guy he was. And how different from him Jamal was.
Jamal was the cool guy on campus… now that Randall thought about it; he had seen Jamal around. He would be blowing off class and giving high fives to the other jocks. He always had his arm around some girl and he had one of those charming, make you melt, smiles. While Randall was the nerd hiding in the library. He guy who hid behind his glasses and only spoke up in class when necessary.
/
Beth snuggled closer to Randall that night, pulling the covers over their intertwined bodies and flip the TV channel's looking for something good. "Who's the boss, Growing pains, or Full house?" She asks Randall.
"Full house. Even though Alyssa Milano is cute-"
"Well now I get to stare at John Stamos." Beth says slyly,
"Full house is funnier,"
"And who doesn't love the Olsen twins?" Beth turns to Full house and turns the volume up. Randall reaches over and turns her bedside lamp off so that the only source of light is the TV. Beth places her head on his shoulder, and Randall hugs her tighter.
He likes having his arms around Beth, he enjoys being so close to her that he can smell the coconut scent of her hair and feel the butter softness of her skin.
"So, you and Jamal?" He tries to say it casually, like it's an everyday question, "How long were you two together? Like... a month or two?" Beth looks at Randall briefly, then directs her eyes back to the TV.
"Two years." She answers hesitantly, and Randall almost chokes on air, but he contains himself. Keeps his face even and unreadable.
"Two years?" He repeats, his voice calm and cool. But still shaky. He hadn't thought...
"Junior and senior year... we met Sophomore year though."
"H-how did you guys meet?"
"I was his math tutor." She says nonchalantly,
"Yeah but... that's a pretty big leap. Going from math tutor to being in a 2 year relationship with the guy..." Beth shrugs,
"We just... got close, I guess. One thing led to another and he asked me to be his girlfriend."
"You must have really liked him," Randall acknowledges, his voice fighting to not sound too anxious. But he's noticeably freaking out and sweating. It's so hot now.
"I guess, I don't see how any of this is relevant."
"What did you like about him?"
"Randall-"
"It's just... a simple question." He says, and Beth exhales loudly,
"I honestly don't remember..." her voice drifts off, "I really don't want to talk about Jamal..." Beth tells Randall finally looking up. She wants to lighten up the conversation, "We haven't seen each other all weekend, I want to talk about- I don't know, I don't know... the fact that there's 9 people living in this damn house and they barely have disagreements, not like my family anyway. Or we can talk about why the hell it rained all Saturdays, or how my English professor is a bitch- we could talk about a Dr. Seuss book, Randall, anything but Jamal."
"Ok," Randall nods, "I like Dr. Seuss, he's one of my favorite authors."
"Mines too," Beth grins, "He has the best quotes." Randall laughs,
"Don't tell me you know them?"
"When you think things are bad, when you feel sour and blue, when you start to get mad, you should do what I do. Just tell yourself, duckie, you are really quite lucky! Some people are much more, oh ever so much more, oh muchly much-much more unlucky than you." Randall's smile gets big, it grows slowly and his cheek touch his eyes.
"That was hot." He laughs, and Beth laughs out loud too.
"Do you know any?" She asks,
"Shout loud! I am lucky to be what I am. Thank goodness I'm not just a clam or a ham or a dusty old jar of sour gooseberry jam!" Then they just laughed harder, tears forming in their eyes because anyone else would find this ridiculous; two college students reciting Dr. Seuss.
"He's the best writer known to man. A legend." Beth smiles,
"There should be a whole course dedicated to him." Randall laughs,
"My dad read Dr. Seuss all the time," She grins, "It was his go to bed time story for me and Alicia. Especially when we would be too silly. "
"You're a daddy's girl, aren't you?"
"Guilty." Beth laughs, "But Renae and Nicole are best friends with our mom, like peas in a pod best friends. I just got in the club last year."
"Me and my mom would always read together, and she would show us how to cook."
"Mama's boy." Beth smiles, "And I mean that in the best way possible." Randall leans down and tries to kiss Beth, but she pushes him away slightly, "I'm still a little contagious… we should hold off on kissing for a few more days." Randall pouts, "Just a few more days, ok?"
"Ok,"
She doesn't want to kiss me because of Jamal.
/
It was the following afternoon and Beth was with her friends, so Randall decided to hang out with his friends. He hadn't really spent much time with them because most of his time he dedicated to Beth. But he couldn't clear his mind, so he sat in his dorm with his roommate, Keith, and his friends Richard, Nicholas, and Elijah.
"Randall, you look like you're trying to figure out a quadratic formula, what's up?" Keith laughs.
"I wanna know what's up with you and Beth. Girl is fine as hell." Elijah says from his spot on the floor reaching over and giving Nicolas as high five. Randall turns over on his bed and faces the other guys in his room.
"How you got a girl like that I'll never know."
"I'm don't know either." Randall sighs,
"I'm surprised to even see you," Richard adds. "You spend all your time with her."
"Y'all haven't seen anything," Keith laughs, "He gets up at like 6 to walk her to class. Takes her breakfast, walks her back to her room every night. Takes her out on dates like 10 times a week."
"Damn. Boy, you're whipped. You better be getting some action for all that." Elijah laughs,
"Shut up," Randall says, "It's not like that… I like walking her to class and hanging out with her." Randall tells them. "She's funny, and so smart, and drop dead gorgeous, and she's cool and- I've never met someone who reads as much as me and-"
"We get it." Keith chuckles, "It's more than a hook up."
"Mhm, so why aren't you with her right now."
"She's with some friends."
"You still haven't told us what's up with you." Keith says.
"I saw Beth with her old boyfriend… he goes here."
"Whoa." Elijah grins, "Does he stay on campus?"
"I think so." Randall says, "He's on the basketball team and probably gets through life on his good looks. He can have any and every girl he wants-"
"I bet he's getting some." Elijah jokes and Keith throws a pillow at him.
"What's your point?" Richard ask,
"I think he wants Beth back. I mean, how could he not. Look at her."
"She's with you now, though." Keith cuts in,
"I guess." Randall sits up, "But… you guys should have seen him. Straight out of a Boyz II men video, he was an usher look-a-like." Richard shakes his head,
"Yeah ok, but you're a math genius, a science wiz." Richard says, "Jamal will twist his ankle while he's playing, or have some kind of injury. And even if he doesn't, athlete's careers are over by the time they're 35. You've got brains."
"That's not enough, he has more than me."
"More what?"
"More… more… he's better than me, smoother, better looking-"
"Randall," Keith tries,
"I-" Randall lays back down and stares at the ceiling. "I don't even know how to act around her half the time, I'm a nervous wreck. Now, I can't even stop that everything I do she's comparing it to what he used to do. Like yeah, I walk her to class... what if he drove her everywhere? He probably took her anywhere she wanted to go. They probably skipped class to go makeout in his fancy car. And he probably-"
"Do you think Beth really skipped class?" Nicolas asks seriously,
"I don't know, I didn't even consider that she had been in other relationships so now it's like… how many were there? ... How many surprised her with fancy dinner dates or with lavish gifts? How many basketball stars has she dated? I bet she's into guys like Kevin-"
"Randall, you're being ridiculous." Keith says, "Like insane ridiculous."
"They could have broken up because- because maybe he was supposed to go to another school… but now they're rekindling the flame, or maybe he dumped her and now he feels stupid and he's plotting his come back as we speak. Maybe she feel for somebody else and he's reclaiming her. He'll sweep Beth off her feet and she'll leave me in the dirt." His brain was starting to hurt.
"I would say you're over thinking this," Richard says. "But you're past that."
"You're honestly not even making any sense." Elijah adds,
"I just can't stop thinking about her and him and... them together." Randall exhales, "What should I do."
"Shut up and let it go." Elijah says and the rest of the boys laugh.
"You don't have any proof… you're really just making shit up in your head." Randall shakes his head and sighs again, covering his head with the covers. He didn't want to talk anymore.
/
Beth said she would be at the library all day, she had a research paper coming up and she needed a lot of books and to have her mind totally focused. Randall thought he would surprise her, sneak in a few snacks to make sure she wasn't starving all day. Once he was in he went straight to Beth's spot near the back of the library. It was almost hidden, a tiny rectangle area surrounded by tall shelves. No one really knew it was there, not even the librarians. But it was Beth's spot, the only place she studied at because it was quiet. But… she wasn't alone when he got there.
Randall felt his heart sink as he peeked through the book shelf. Beth was here... but she was sitting with Jamal. They were close- er, he was close to her. Too close for Randall's liking.
His breathing became shallow, he felt like he was running out of oxygen as he watched them together. His heart was beating quickly, he started shaking.
He couldn't lose her... but he was! Beth lied to him!
They were sharing a book, and Beth was looking over it carefully. Then she pointed to something on the page, looking up at Jamal to show him as well. Jamal scooted closer- if that was even possible. He put his arm around Beth and she gave him a small smile, then wiggled her way out of his grasp. Randall couldn't turn away, his eyes were glued on them, he felt like a creep, looking at them through the bookshelf. But he had to see what was going to happen. Jamal wrote something on a sheet of paper while Beth looked over the book some more and then showed him another paragraph. Jamal took his hand and put it over Beth's helping her turn the page and keeping his hand there. He caressed it, intertwined their fingers and leaned into her ear, whispering something. Beth looked at him and didn't say anything, she packed up her books and throw her bookbag over her shoulder and saying bye to Jamal.
But he does one other thing. He grabs her hand and pulls Beth into him, giving her a lingering hug. After a few moments Beth pulls away and chuckles awkwardly, she turns on her heels and leaves the library quickly.
Randall's eyes followed her like a hawk. Should he follow her out, ask if she's okay? Ask her why she lied to him about who she would be with? Ask her what was going on between her and Jamal. But instead he just stood there with his hand propped up on the books, trying to make his head stop spinning.
They hugged! For a long time! Way too long to be a hug between friends…
Jamal gets up and walks over to wear is standing. Had he known he was there the whole time? Randall scowls.
"Hey," Jamal smirks, "Your Beth's friend, right?" Randall just nods, his face flushing of all color. Jamal grins, leaning against the book shelf. "Tell her I want her to come to Friday's game. I need my good luck charm." With that Jamal leaves too.
He ran out of the library as fast as he could, his tears were running down his face and he didn't want anyone to see him. Not like this. Randall's mind was running wild, running away from him to a place he'd never thought possible. Beth wanted someone else, someone else wanted Beth. His good luck charm? Randall thought he was going to throw up, literally, throw up.
He ran back to his room.
/
It's hard to stop thinking for Randall. It's hard to tell him brain to just; stop.
Randall wants to talk to Beth, he wants to converse about the world and their classes and their childhoods and find out all the things they have in common and all their differences. But he can't stop thinking about Jamal.
And Beth could tell.
"You're distracted," Beth says against Randall's lips, they hadn't kissed in days and god- did Randall miss her lips. But his brain was scattered, and empty; empty of everything except Jamal.
"No, Im not."
"Yeah you are," She whispers, "Usually, when we kiss I can tell I have your attention. But right now, your mind is somewhere else." Randall pauses, trying to figure out how to say what's on his mind. "This is supposed to be our night-"
"Are you and Jamal getting back together?"
"What?" Beth pulls away from Randall. "God no! No!" She says, "No!" She puts emphasis on her words. "Why would you think that?"
"You two have been spending a lot of time together."
"We ran into each other at the library, Randall- I told it was nothing- That's not spending time together." Beth says getting off of him, "Randall, me and you spend time together."
"And you avoid talking about him when I ask-"
"Because he's irrelevant."
"Is that why you were at the library with him?"
"You-you saw that?"
"I went there to… to sneak you something to eat since you were going to be doing research all day but- but you weren't by yourself. Was he the reason you didn't want me to come with you-"
"No!" She says, "No, I- Jamal just showed up and said he needed help with a study guide- he's always been illiterate, so I just helped him find a few answers in his text book."
"Is that really why? Or is it because you still like him? Or- or love him…" his voice breaks, "You still love him, and you don't want to hurt me."
"What?" Beth whispers, "What the hell are you talking about?" She asks,
"I'm talking about Jamal being the perfect guy for you. He's- He's going to be drafted into the NBA and he'll make millions in one game and I… I would just appreciate it if you were honest with me." Randall breathes.
"Randall…
"I can't compare to him, I never will. He was probably the best boyfriend-"
"Why are you being like this?" Beth asks,
"Because your ex boyfriend of 2 years pops up out of nowhere- and, and he's here- and wants to spend all this time with you - wants you to come to his games because you're his 'good luck charm'! How else do you want me to be, Beth?"
"I want you to understand-"
"I understand that he's what you want- not me." Beth shakes her head, looking Randall in the eyes.
"You really think all that? He was terrible to me, Randall." Beth interrupts, "Our whole relationship was a joke to him... I was a joke to him." Those big brown eyes that were normally so bright were now weighed down, filled with tears waiting to fall. "He made fun of me all the time and he called me names, he made me hate being smart and I was always dumbing myself down for him. The entire time we were together he never let me forget that I was the lucky one... that he could have any girl he wanted. And he was right because he could. So..." She pauses, she looks away from Randall and focuses on the wall in front of her. "So I had sex with him- to satisfy him, to make him happy, which was stupid because he was cheating on me anyways. And it was stupid because he didn't care about me, h-he was going way too fast the entire time and it felt like... like I wasn't even there." Her voice broke into a thousand small pieces, "I just closed my eyes and pretended that I was anywhere but there..."
"I thought he treated you like a queen- "Randall idiotically blurts, he hadn't even thought about sex…
"He treated me like shit… and I felt like shit when I was with him. I gave him everything and he just… took it without a second thought… I-I don't like talking about it because, because I was so weak when I was with him. And that's not me- some weak, male dependent female that shrinks herself for her boyfriend's pleasure but… when I was with him that's exactly who I was. And I hated it." Beth crosses her arms, her eyes pointed to the ground in shame, "You know what's really sad?" She whispers as she wipes her eyes, trying to stop the tears and Randall shakes his head, "I couldn't even tell you why I loved him so much." A chuckle erupts from her throat, a deep, almost grunting noise. She can feel the ache building in her chest, her sobs threatening to come up and stop her from being able to talk. "I have no idea why I wasted so much of my time with him." She says, wiping furiously at her eyes. "Maybe I liked that he was such a big shot, maybe I thought he would change and become the kind of guy that I wanted but…" Beth's lips trembled, and she refused to look at Randall. He could tell she was annoyed with herself, he could tell she didn't allow herself to do things like this.
Be vulnerable and open. Not in front of anyone anyway. So she didn't let the tears fall. She wouldn't. Beth had too much pride.
Randall doesn't know what to say. He has nothing to say. All he can do is look at her- stupidly. He feels stupid. It's then that she starts to cry, her tears coming in an unstoppable stream that stains her cheeks,
"Beth- "
"I was so stupid-" She finally says, "I-" He can barely recognize the girl standing a few feet away. She was broken, hurt, small and filled with sorrow. Maybe even a little regret and self-doubt. This wasn't the Beth he had gotten to know in the last few month, the Beth he had grown so fond of, the Beth he was falling for… "I- just thought-"
She stops because Randall is pulling her into a hug. Embracing her and holding her so tight that it feels like she might stop breathing, but she likes how his arms feel around her. Her tears are soaking his shirt and she clenches her fist. He doesn't say a word; for once. He just hugs her. She lets her pride go and she just cries into his chest as Randall rubs her back. She could feel everything slowing down, feel everything stopping. Even her tears. Randall was soft and warm, welcoming and comforting. It was all she needed. Her breathing calmed down, she stopped and closed her eyes. She inhaled is scent; letting her body relax into his.
"I'm sorry," she whispers. She feels... pathetic. Dramatic. Silly. All of the above. "I shouldn't be crying on you and-." She sniffles, "I'm ruining your shirt."
"I'm sorry he hurt you." Beth pulls away then, pulling herself together in a moment.
"Everyone gets hurt." She shrugs softly, "It's not a big deal." He reaches out and grabs her hand, pulling her back into him. Beth looks up, her eyes are swollen and red. He uses his thumb to wipe her cheeks. "You didn't deserve any of that." Randall whispers, "Nobody does." Her brown eyes tore into him, trying to find a lie somewhere. Trying to find a fault in what he was saying; but she couldn't.
"I honestly thought I'd never trust another guy again, you know?" She whispers, "The way he treated me I just… I just didn't think it was possible but then… I come here, and I meet you and," She breathes, "And you made me smile. I like that about you, you always make me smile and you tell me you miss me because- he never did. He never told me how beautiful I was and… it just feels so good to be with a guy like you..." Beth says, "I like that you take me on dates in bookstores and walk me to class every morning. And I like that you find poems that remind you of me just to read them to me and I like that we spend so much time together. I like that you're interested in me and the things I have to say, and I like that you tell corny jokes to make me laugh. I like that you make me laugh. I like that you make me feel so comfortable, Randall. I've never had that before. And where I'm from... I never thought I'd be in college. I thought I'd be stuck with Jamal's all my life but then I got this scholarship and I met you and... I love everything about you, Randall. I don't want you to be anything like him."
She says it all in one breath, wanting to get it out and off her chest.
Beth still couldn't believe she had done that. Broke down in front of someone; broke down to the bone. Shared secrets of her heart that she had never spoken aloud. "I'll make sure that nobody ever hurts you again," he promises. Beth isn't sure how to respond, she thinks maybe she should tell him that she doesn't need anyone protecting her, that she can handle herself. But she doesn't want to say that. It's then that Randall kisses her rosy cheeks. He kisses her cheeks until she's giggling, wrapping her arms around his neck and moving her head slightly so that their lips connect. Randall can't picture someone treating her like that, he can't imagine. He would never. So, he decides to tell her.
"I'll never treat you like he did." He thinks this might be too soon, they've only known each other a few short months- but he knows how her feels.
"It's cute… that you were jealous." Beth says, trying to lighten the mood. "Seeing you so…worried about losing me to some other guys." Randall chuckles,
"I-I sit up at night and just… think about you." Her eyes are so big, bigger than he's ever seen them. "Do you know what I thought when I first saw you?" Beth shakes her head silently, "I thought, there she is. The women of my dreams." Beth gives a shy smile, a blush spreads across her cheeks. "I feel like I'm on top of the world when I'm with you." He grins. "You remember what I said… the night of the party? That I wanted to know everything about you?" Beth nods, "I meant that. I want to know. Everything." He says s, his voice just a little above a whisper. "Don't hide from me." She can only nod, her body frozen. Nobody had ever said something like that before.
"Okay," she says softly. "I want to know everything about you too," Randall laughs a little,
"I... I over think. A lot. And sometimes when I get really worked up about something I hyperventilate, and I just freak out." He admits, "When things aren't perfect or if they don't go as planned." He says, "I never meant to get you upset though and I'm sorry that I pushed you into talking about something you didn't want to-"
"I needed to." She says, "I never told anyone about Jamal and how I felt... it was... liberating." Randall and Beth smile together not saying much else. Beth nods her head, using her hand to cradle his cheek, and untying all of his knots. "You don't have to overthink me." She places the softest kiss on his lips and stays there for a moment. "You never have to overthink us,"