Chapter 105: Water Breaks, Past Mistakes
{A/N: Here's Another Update...Hermione had been on the sidelines for a while...it seems it's time to get her back into the game.}
My Thanks To All My Readers And Reviewers...Enjoy-S.S
's Hospital, Muggle World...
Hermione had been having problems trying to keep her breathing even. Her amber eyes had been wide with terror as she clutched the large pale hand of his husband as he did the best he could to be by her side amid the raised voices and confusion of the moment. Ginny had just stopped by with Lily for a friendly visit that afternoon while Hermione had been looking after Sidney. Severus had been doing some late work at the school due to a test. He had gotten the call from a very shocked Ginny Weasley. Once he heard that Hermione had gone into labor he made his way to the house as fast as he could a few minor moments of chaos not withstanding.
Snape burst through the door almost out of breath as he threw his briefcase into a corner and made his way over toward his highly panicked wife. He immediately dropped to his knees beside her on the sofa and she squeezed his hand as the contractions continued to grow more frequent. Snape noted the fear behind her amber eyes.
"It's alright." he said softly. "I'm here."
He kissed the worried witch and turned his attention to Ginny who had still been surprised at the tenderness he showed her best friend. Their days at Hogwarts when he reigned as Headmaster during Voldemort's war had been long behind them. The years had been seemingly kind to the Potions Professor. His attachment to Hermione proved to be the best thing that had ever happened to either of them.
"I love you." said Hermione terrified.
"And I love you." replied Snape. "Breathe...just like the doctors taught you...everything will be fine."
Hermione relxed knowing that he had been by her side. Her pregnancy with Sidney had been the first time they had been able to witness the birth of their child together, though he had seen Phaeron born, he had not been there to share in the moment with neither his wife nor his son. She reflected briefly on his illness and grew afraid that he would be gone again just when she had given birth to their third child.
"Hermione." said Snape in a stern tone, not so unlike that which he used to instruct her at Hogwarts. "Get your mind off what cannot be changed and breathe witch."
The bushy haired witch did as she was told.
Lily Luna Potter had been keeping Sidney busy though she peeked into the sitting room from time to time catching a glimpse of Phaeron's father in action. The man had been truly awe inspiring, she could see why Phaeron loved him so much.
Ginny had been trembling despite having gone through this three times herself, the view from everyone else's end had been truly terrifying. Snape had surprised her, his eerie calm in the face of a chaotic situation had said a lot about him. Hermione had been lucky indeed to have a wizard like him she seemed to draw from his calm composure and relax. Harry had been anything but relaxed when Ginny gave birth. He had been terrified and trembled something awful every time she went into labor.
Snape managed to calm Hermione down enough to get her to St. Mungo's with Ginny and Lily Luna following after them into the floo. He went through the process of admitting her like a professional and everything seemed to be going quite smoothly. Ginny and Lily Luna took their seats as Snape paced the halls his composure still evident on his face but his mind had been firing a mile per minute.
"Everything is going to be fine." said Ginny smiling rather nervously at her youngest child and only daughter.
Lily Luna had been only thirteen years of age but she was a hell of a lot more knowledgeable than her age suggested. Like mother, like daughter one would suppose.
"I know Mom." she said quietly.
Snape occupied himself with retrieving some refreshments for both the Potter women. When he returned it seemed to startle him to no end to come into contact with they young woman named for his former best friend. Her hair had been the same fiery red as her grandmother's but her eyes had been like that of the current Mrs. Ginny Potter's.
"Thank you, Professor Snape." said Lily Luna respectfully.
"Thank you, Severus." said Ginny still finding it difficult not to address him as Professor.
"You both are very welcome." he said the glanced at Lily Luna once more before making his way toward the large window overlooking the town.
Lily Luna arched an inquisitive eyebrow at the Professor's apparent urgency in getting as far away from her as he could manage. Ginny seemed to recognize this as well. She had known a little of the story form what Dumbledore had told Harry about Snape's affection for Harry's mother, Lily Evans-Potter.
"He's having a hard time with you looking so much like your grandmother." she explained as causally as she could manage when her daughter fixed her with an inquisitive stare she continued. "They were friends you see...Professor Snape and your Grandmother...apparently since they were both children...he was still quite fond of her even after her passing."
"Friends?" asked Lily Luna looking over at the semi gloomy figure near the window.
He had looked every bit like the brooding teenager she saw on occasion within the halls of Hogwarts. A small smile filed across her face. Phaeron's father and her grandmother were friends. Perhaps Phaeron would forgive her for being born a Potter after all.
The wait had been long as night gave way to dawn with Ginny going so far as to look after Sidney while Snape stayed at the hospital with Hermione awaiting the arrival of the baby. Lily Luna had gotten an excuse from her mother to stay a little while from Hogwarts so that she too could see the new baby Snape. It had been sad that Phaeron neglected to attend siting his studies as overwhelming, but she figured it was due to him not wanting to be any where his shady little girlfriend couldn't follow.
Later...
Severus Snape had been awakened by a nurse and asked to follow her into the back room. He came upon the sight of a sweaty and heavily exhausted Hermione nearly asleep as she looked down at the small bundle wrapped in her weary arms. The Potions Master smirked when he noted the small pale hand that reached up balled into a fist. Hermione noted her husband's smirk and smiled wearily at him. He made his way over to her and the baby feeling as if he had been locked in the haze of yet another dream that he dared not awaken from.
"Severus." said Hermione with her amber eyes aglow with happiness. "Isn't she beautiful?"
Snape arched an eyebrow at this.
"She?" he asked at last reaching them both in a few quick strides via his long legs.
"Meet your daughter." said Hermione proudly. "She's beautiful like her father..."
Snape chuckled some at the attempt at flattery.
"I beg to differ love." he replied examining the beautiful pale bundle with raven hair and obsidian eyes. "She may have my eyes...and I'll even concede the hair...maybe the complexion but she looks more like her mother and I think Merlin for that."
It was Hermione's turn to chuckle a bit.
"So...what should we call her?" asked Snape looking back n forth between mother and daughter.
"Perhaps you can pick her name." said Hermione with a smile.
Snape had been caught off guard by her suggestion. A feat that was rarely managed even now in times of relative peace.
"Don't look so startled Severus." said Hermione amused. "It's not like you haven't done it before."
"Circumstances were different concerning Phaeron." he said trying to regain his composure. "The old master's been good to me."
"A name each then." said the exhausted bushy haired witch. "You first."
Snape narrowed his obsidian eyes at the witch. He had not wished to go first but it appeared he had no other choice in the matter. He looked upon his newborn daughter and sigh. There was only one name that came to mind that he couldn't shake for some reason.
"Shiloh." he said finally.
To his surprise Hermione seemed to agree.
"Shiloh it is." she said happily gazing upon their daughter. "Shiloh Eileen Snape."
Snape had been rendered speechless as he gazed upon the magnificent witch he had married. He could not believe she would honor his mother in such a way.
"Surely you'd rather your own mother be honored with such a gift?" he said confused by her gesture.
Hermione shook her head.
"My mother's name has all the honor as it's going to get considering all that I've accomplished." she said with a smirk. "Besides, I know how much you loved your mother...and her being taken away from you so suddenly wasn't fair...nor was it fair that you hardly got to grieve for her."
Snape looked at his newborn daughter.
She had looked a good deal like his own mother and Hermione that it seemed they had made the right choice in terms of names.
"Alright witch." he said in a mock dry tone. "Have it your way."
He kissed her sweetly upon the lips as a form of gratitude and she let him hold his daughter for the first time.
Shiloh Eileen Snape had been content in her father's arms it seemed their obsidian eyes meeting as if they had known each other for many years. The sleepy babe offered a small smile as she looked up at the wizard who had been her father.
"Strong little thing." said Snape as she gripped his long pale finger as if it had been for dear life.
Hermione nodded in reply finding herself overcome by the need for sleep. Snape held little Shiloh in his ebony clad arms and allowed something of a smile to file across his own sallow pale face. The thoughts of the future had been on him in seconds as he noted with uncertainty if he was even going to be around to watch this beautiful baby girl grow up. He glanced at his now sleeping wife and looked back at his daughter. This moment strange yet not unwelcome to him as he continued to hold her.
"You have your mother's spirit." he said softly mindful of the sleeping Hermione. "That's good...she's one tough witch...and one of the bravest I've ever known...just don't tell her I said that...her head's big enough already with the bushy hair and how insufferable she can be."
Shiloh smiled at this. It seemed they were of one accord in terms of thought.
"I-It's a strange thing being a father...I've hardly gotten the hang of it with two boys and now...I've got a little girl." continued Snape looking down at his daughter. "I've got a little girl...I don't know the first thing about little girls...I mean...sure I've taught them but...to actually be a father to one...Merlin help me."
Shiloh laughed clearly amused by her father's woes.
Snape arched an eyebrow at this.
"It seems that you too have inherited my sense of humor." he said shaking his head. "Slytherin House won't know what hit them."
Again the baby gigged.
Snape found himself laughing as well.
"I guess I don't have to question your intelligence." he said.
The baby seemed to narrow her eyes at him.
This only proved to get another chuckle from the Potions Master.
"With me for a father and a mother like Hermione you are definitely going to be quite a formidable witch." he said in a effort to smooth over grievances.
Shiloh seemed to appreciate it and went back to smiling.
After a few moments she yawned and easily drifted off to sleep in Snape's arms still holding tight to his finger. The Potions Master placed the sleeping girl back into the glass crib where she belonged and kissed both of his sleeping witches good-night. It had been an altogether bitter sweet experience knowing his condition was only growing worse. Still he had seen his daughter born and it was all he could have hoped for at the moment. With Sidney and Shiloh well out of harms way the next order of business was to ensure that Phaeron would be safe...even if saving his son for Bellatrix LeStrange was his last act as a living wizard. He vowed his family would be free of her.
A Few Months Later...
The Snape Residence, Muggle London, England...
Snape had been pleased to escort Hermione and Shiloh home. They set up everything for the baby in their bedroom and continued to care for her and Sidney while searching for a cure. The long and sleep less nights due to the new baby ensured that only one of them could manage research at a time and as a result progress was mind-numbingly slow. On occasion Snape would just be pleased enjoying what little time he had left with his family...despite his given estrangement from Phaeron over the last few months. The Potions Master had known it to be the influence of Bellatrix given his son's recent behavior. One could hardly claim Snape to be ill at all until one afternoon he had been stricken with his ever lingering affliction and collapsed whilst alone in the flat. Hermione had taken the children to see her mother and Severus insisted upon getting some work done while they were away.
The bushy haired witch reluctantly left him to his work and made the journey to her parents house with the promise to floo if anything should happen while she was away. Snape assured her that he had been fine and shooed her on her way. He had been damned lucky that Hermione had decided to leave the children over for the weekend and venture back to him. She found him unconscious sprawled out on the kitchen floor with hardly a breath escaping him.
"Severus!?" she had said as fear coursed through her.
Quickly she retrieved his briefcase and the potion Master Phaeron had given him. She managed to get it to him in time before his body shut down in that manner permanently. Snape recovered well enough and she got him to bed. He had still been sore from the incident and had trouble breathing with bruised ribs.
"I'm alright." said Snape to the worried witch as she looked him over.
"Your symptoms are getting worse." she said trying to keep the node of panic from her tone.
The last thing she wanted was for him to become upset with her for being too concerned.
"I said I'm alright." replied Snape in his usual Professor tone. "No major damage."
"For now." replied Hermione."But what about...?"
"That's enough!" said Snape in a stern tone. "I said I am alright, now leave it at that."
Hermione sighed. He was always so stubborn.
"Severus we haven't made much progress finding your cure." she said. "Once your magic is gone..."
Snape held up a hand.
"I said that's enough." he said this time his expression portraying how weary he was becoming. "I don't want to talk about this any longer...it's taken up much too much time as it is..."
"Severus how can you say that?" asked Hermione getting upset. "I found you on the floor unresponsive."
The Potions Master simply glared at her.
"I'm dying." he said flatly. "You and I both know that I am dying and there is nothing either of us can do about it...we have tried researching a cure...even various untested potions but the fact remains that I am dying...I don't want to spend the last of my days on a wild goose chase...I've too much to accomplish to waste my energy continuing this anymore."
The bushy haired witch couldn't believe what she was hearing. It was almost like he was telling her that he simply wanted to give up and accept this fate, that he wanted to just roll over and die after everything they had been through. Well, he can quit if he wants but that won't stop me. I'll find the cure even if he won't be bothered to join in the research.
"You may want to stop looking for a cure but I don't." said Hermione almost bitterly.
"I never expected you to." he replied with a begrudging smile. "You'll go as far as the ends of the earth if it meant getting a cure for whatever this illness is."
"You got that right." huffed Hermione with her arms folded across her ebony clad chest.
Snape almost chuckled at this. It was like looking at himself and McGonagall all rolled into one.
"I will still assist you witch...but the focus of my efforts will not be dominated by this venture." he said. "I wish to spend whatever time I have left with my children and you as well provided your research does not take up more of your time."
Hermione sighed as understanding dawned upon her. He wasn't giving up so much as trying to spend time with them should his efforts prove fruitless and the illness becomes worse.
Upon seeing her tears, Snape pulled the bushy haired witch into bed with him letting her cry silently against his chest as he held her close to him. The scent of jasmine from her hair filling his nostrils as she clung to him.
"I'll always be grateful to you witch." said Snape softly. "If not for you then I would never known what it was like to love someone and have them love you in return...should I go to my just end...know that I do so with knowledge of something greater than anything I could have hoped to have discovered with all my years of research and endless reading."
Hermione only held on to him tighter as he spoke.
"Give the circumstances witch...I'd say you've made me immortal...you've given me three children...Phaeron, Sidney, and Shiloh...who knows what they'll accomplish in the future." he said. "With you as their mother I am almost certain it will be great things."
Hermione pulled away from him unable to imagine a future without him in it.
"Please Severus..." she said in a weak voice. "I-I don't want to speak of a life without you in it."
The Potions Master wiped the tears from her eyes and softly kissed her on the lips.
"I've made a lot of mistakes concerning you." said Snape in a serious tone. "It is my hope that you can forgive me."
"I've already forgiven you." said Hermione not wishing to hear any more of the past.
It was Snape's turn to sigh.
"You are quick to offer forgiveness when you know not the extent of the crime." he said wearily.
Hermione arched an eyebrow at this.
"W-What do you mean?" she asked.
"I never told you about my time with Bellatrix have I?" he asked.
The question seemed to both unnerve and enrage Hermione at the same time.
"I don't want to talk about that wretched woman." she said bitterly.
"As much as I understand you're opinion of my former mistress I regret to inform you...Mrs. Snape that this is story is mandatory." said Snape noting the flicker of rage behind her amber eyes. "Despite what you may believe, Bellatrix and I have never had a conventional relationship."
Hermione rolled her eyes at the thought.
Snape continued on as if she had not phased him.
"In fact...the first time she and I came into contact with one another...I was dating her younger sister." he said. "The relationship of course didn't last and she saw to it right along with her parents."
The bushy haired witch noted the bitterness behind his words as he continued to speak.
"I-I know not how your opinion of me will change given what I am about to tell you." he began.
Hermione felt a twinge of fear for a moment. She didn't believe anything could change how she viewed her husband even coming to terms with his death eater past had been of no consequence to her.
"Severus, I've known about you being a death eater for years." she said trying to summon her Gryffindor bravery. "Anything more than that isn't worth mention."
Snape smirked.
"More kindness than I deserve." he said sadly. "But as I said this is mandatory...The dark lord often too petty squabbles and jeering as a sign of weakness...a lesson I learned all too well once I became a newly recruited death eater...a lesson that Bellatrix learned of all too late."
Hermione arched her eyebrow as if she were outraged Snape mentioned Bellatrix LeStrange in a sympathetic tone.
"Don't misunderstand Mrs. Snape...she and I have our moments but hate was most certainly at the core of this association." explained Snape noting her expression. "In fact it was our mutual hate for one another that provoked the dark lord to...extremes."
Hermione noted how uncomfortable Snape got as he said this.
"From what I was told after the incident, the dark lord needed to only have whispered a particular phrase before he had my blood boiling...and not in a way that I myself would have invoked." said The Potions Master. "I have been guilty of a great many things concerning those around me...but the one of the greatest crimes that I have ever committed was when I...raped Bellatrix."
The bushy haired witch's eyes widened in shock. She never would have guessed in a million years that this had been the reason of his association with Bellatrix LeStrange.
"Severus...please stop this." she began not wishing to hear more for fear that it would get worse.
"I know not why you remain so forgiving...especially to a man who deserves nothing of the sort...what I did to Bellatrix was nothing compared to what I did to you." he spat almost bitterly. "And still you don't see it...you will never admit it...nor will you question the chain of events that be fell you in such a way...I am no better than the monsters that prowl Knockturn Alley!"
Hermione had been filled with a rage she could hardly contain.
"I raped Bellatrix at the behest of the dark lord...his whisper filled my ears but it was my hate...my hate for that wretched fucking Pureblood whore that made me commit the vile act...I wanted to wipe that self righteous smirk off that overbearing bitch's face and I enjoyed it." he said bitterly. "Merlin help me, I enjoyed destroying her as she had destroyed my relationship with her sister and my last shot at a clean break from this miserable existence...I hated her then as much as I hate her now...and to make matter's worse she's set her sights on my son in retaliation...but I swear to you...Hermione I will end her and her miserable existence if it means the end of my life."
"Severus, you are not a monster." said Hermione. "And whatever she plans to do to Phaeron we will put an end to her efforts together...but I will not sit here and listen to you speak of yourself in such a manner...what happened during those days was due to Voldemort and you know it...I'm sure Bellatrix has thought even less of what happened then since the two of you became involved...but she is not going to make you do this...you are not going to go back to hating yourself because she's insane...I won't stand for it!...I'll kill her myself if need be if it proves to you that you are not a monster!"
Snape grabbed the bushy haired witch by the hand.
"No!" he shouted seemingly agitated at the idea of her shedding blood with her perfectly innocent hands. "I will stop her...this matter no longer concerns you...she has made this personal...and I assure you she will not live to see passed this confrontation...but you will stay clear of her...I've done enough to cause you misery witch...the first night I took you to bed was no different than when I took her in the presence of the dark lord and her husband."
Hermione had been filled with fury once more.
"You did not rape me Severus!" she said angrily. "We were married and I gave myself to you...to my husband."
Snape rolled his eyes.
"Foolish child." he said bitterly. "You didn't give me anything...you were merely a means to an end...a sacrifice sent to me by your precious Dumbledore all for the greater good...don't you understand...he was trying to by my loyalty with a shot of virgin trim as the dark lord tried to buy me with the satisfaction of taking my enemy."
"Say what you will." said Hermione not willing to hear any more. "But you are with me because you love me and of that I am certain...now if you are finished feeling sorry for yourself...I will see about dinner."
She stormed out of the room in a huff.
Snape shook his head slightly annoyed that she refused to see the truth about him and slightly impressed. At least now Bellatrix wouldn't be able to get into her head...not about the past. He sighed and found himself drifting off to sleep. He had indeed loved Hermione Granger, more than she would ever know...but he was aware of the other part of him...even if she wasn't willing to face it...he was and always will be a dark wizard and for all her kindness and forgiving nature...he was sure that one day her patience with him would run out. In truth he had not know what sparked these thoughts to come back after all this time.
He needed no illusion.
He knew who and what he was.
He also knew that he did not deserve her.
But his treacherous heart had other plans latching on to the bushy haired witch as if life depended upon it.
Still he knew the truth.
If she ever stopped loving him it would be the end of him.