Chapter 109: The Result Of Internal Torment
{A/N: Here's Another Update...Sorry had a busy schedule with work and all...late post}
My Thanks To All My Readers And Reviewers...Enjoy-S.S
{"And I don't want the world to see me...'Cause I don't think that they'd understand...When everything's made to be broken...I just want you to know who I am..."} Iris, Goo Goo Dolls
The Snape Residence, Muggle London, England...
Midnight had come and gone making it about one in the morning as Hermione tossed and turned in her bed feeling the rather cold absence of her husband since his apparent visit with their older son at Hogwarts. Sidney had gone to bed though he had appeared to be just as worried about Severus being absent that night as his mother, who quickly explained to her youngest son that his father was simply working later on an assignment than usual. He had been skeptical at first but eventually settled down once he realized the possibility. It had been the first time Hermione had outright lied to her son, but in truth, she had not really been sure what Severus had been up to. She had been living in constant fear of what would happen to him with Bellatrix lurking about and his illness looming over them. She had more than enough to deal with and plenty of questions to be sure but not any answers. Sidney had gone through his routine of homework, a bath, dinner and then bed despite not hearing his father's tales before drifting off, Hermione lent her voice in an attempt to lull him to sleep via a good story from the bookcase. It had paled in comparison to Severus' wild stories off the top of his head but it seemed good enough for Sidney.
Shiloh was another story.
The baby daughter of Severus Snape had been just as fussy as her father when something earned her ire. No matter how many times Hermione tried to appease the seemingly angry baby girl, nothing had done the trick.
Shiloh had been her daddy's little girl and as such she wanted him more often than she had wanted Hermione. The bushy haired witch had only gotten as far as feeding the angry little girl before she simply could not take it any more and sobbed right along with her daughter, unable to put an end to her fussy tears. She had not known where Severus was nor did she know where to look for him. So there was little she could do for her daughter.
At the end of her rope at about one in the morning, Hermione had just about given up on all hopes of actually getting to sleep. She made up her mind to call off for the evening also noting she had to get Sidney to school and see what was going on with Phaeron despite Lucius telling her that he will handle the moody teen. She simply believed Phaeron needed a mother's touch in terms of dealing with his new attitude.
Hermione placed Shiloh back into her crib despite the wailing child's protests.
"Shiloh." said the familiar rich baritone drawl of none other than Severus Snape.
Hermione had been both pleased to see him and greatly enraged that it took him so long to make it home. She had been about to lay into him when she noted the thick scent of firewhiskey coming off him as well as the way he instantly got Shiloh to quiet down. The exhausted baby cooed softly at her father's touch when Snape ran his hand across her tiny little cheek.
"Sleep Shiloh." he said softly.
Hermione had been much too exhausted to mention his apparent drunkenness and made her way over to the bed while she had the chance for quiet. Snape successfully put their fussy daughter to bed and turned his attention to ridding himself of his unclean attire. The scent of firewhiskey had been heavy on him as he dropped them onto the bedroom floor.
He stumbled toward his side of the bed and crawled in next to his sleeping wife. He had been especially grateful that she had not the strength to argue with him over his lack of concern as to how she felt about him being out so late. He shuffled in bed until he managed to scoot his body close to his wife and took in the jasmine scent of her bushy hair before he drifted off to sleep.
The following morning...
Hermione had awoke in a slight panic as she realized that she had slept most of the day way. It had been rather late in the afternoon and the lack of crying from Shiloh had put her on edge. The bushy haired witch hopped out of bed and looked around the room rather curiously. There had been no sign of Severus, whom she was sure she had not dreamed of being in bed with her last night or Shiloh who had not made a sound all morning. Hermione made her way into the sitting room and found that even Sidney had not been in his bedroom but given the time she noted he must have been taken to school by his father, but that didn't explain Severus being absent nor did it explain Shiloh being gone as well. It was a well know fact that Sidney would have been halfway through his schooling by now.
Feeling a slight node of panic subside as she came up with a series of logical explanations, Hermione finally registered the faint sound of the shower running. She followed the sound and entered the steam filled room with both a need for answers and to relieve her aching bladder via the loo. Through the frosted glass, the bushy haired witch got a good enough view of her showering husband's pale backside as he stood under the shower head.
"Severus?" said Hermione worried that she might have been imagining things despite the obvious steam.
Snape had not appeared to have heard her being that he had been so lost in his thoughts during his shower. Hermione took the time to use the loo before she ventured over to the shower and pulled back the frosted glass that had distorted her view of the pale wizard beneath the steady stream of water.
"Severus." said Hermione finally getting the dour wizard's attention.
Snape stepped back from the stream and looked over at his wife through water fogged eyes. He wiped his face clear and narrowed his obsidian gaze at the concerned witch watching him.
"Where are the children?" asked Hermione finally getting through to him.
"Your mother wanted to visit with Shiloh and Sidney is at school until she swings by to pick him up for the afternoon." he said still standing under the heated stream of water.
The came the question Snape had been waiting for.
"W-Where have you been?" she asked meeting his gaze.
"Visiting." replied Snape not really wishing to speak of his day blindly ranting at Dumbledore in a drunken stupor.
"Severus." said Hermione as fear crept into her once more.
"I went to Cokeworth." he replied. "Got pissed at my father's grave and then came home."
The amber eyed witch sighed. She knew not to push this further. Though she found that she had difficulty believing him. Snape rolled his eyes noting her doubts about what he told her.
He turned back to the stream of water and continued his shower. Once he had rinsed off for the last time he stopped the water and stepped out of the shower summoning a crisp black towel to him as he dried off the muggle way and wrapped it around his waist. He walked into the bedroom and found himself followed by his still doubtful wife.
"I was no where near her." he said annoyed at her lack of trust.
"I didn't say that you were." replied Hermione sitting on the edge of the bed.
She had not taken her amber eyes off the Potions Master as he moved over to his dresser in search of new attire.
"You didn't have to say it." replied Snape sounding a bit bitter.
"What's that suppose to mean?" asked Hermione finding herself becoming irate.
"You heard what I said." replied Snape still holding the bitterness in his tone.
"Severus, I do not know for sure what you've been up to since that fight you had with Phaeron but trying to push me away because your feelings are hurt will not work." she said defiant.
Snape rolled his eyes.
"I would much prefer it if I could take some time to dress in private...Mrs. Snape." he said still bitter.
Hermione narrowed her amber eyes at him for a moment then stormed out of the bedroom in a huff. She had not liked the idea of him being out nearly all night and being drunk to boot. It seemed he had been behaving no better than her father as of late. She had no idea why he was suddenly picking a fight with her but she had plenty of ammo.
Despite making a show of needing to dress in private, Snape did nothing of the sort as he sat on the edge of the bed still with the towel wrapped around his lean waist. His own doubts about his marriage and ablity to make Hermione happy at least for what little time remained for him kept coming back. He had not intended to hurt her. He had not even known why he needed to provoke a fight. He simply found himself at his wits end and the weight of his most closely guarded secrets was bearing down on him.
"Well isn't this another fine mess you've got yourself into...Severus." he said to himself. "Better go and see about patching this up."
With an exasperated sigh, Snape got to his feet, grabbed a pair of boxers and slipped them on. He then made his way into the kitchen feeling the coolness of the floor below as his bare feet slapped against it when he stepped inside. Hermione had been worked up into an aggravated frenzy slamming and slashing pots and pans in her frustration. The lack of sleep had been apart of her tense mood as well as the endless worry over wither or not her beloved husband would drop dead on a dime. And if that wasn't the worst part, there was the reoccurring thought of Bellatrix getting her seedy little deranged hands on him before then. It was more than enough to turn her stomach.
Snape said nothing as he strode into the kitchen coming up behind his frustrated and worried young wife. He wrapped his arms around her slender waist and pulled her into his embrace. His pale lips moved about her neck as he inhaled her jasmine scented bushy hair. The witch in question froze at first still holding on to her apparent anger at his callousness. Then he squeezed her tighter as if he had been holding onto her for dear life.
"I'm sorry." he said in a sorrowful tone.
"Me too." she replied stroking his pale hands as he held her. "I should never have doubted you..."
"You are right to have your doubts." said Snape.
Hermione froze at that moment. Her heart pounding in her chest as he released his hold on her. He made his way into the sitting room and she followed needing desperately to know the answer to her burning questions but at the same time fearing what those answers may en-tell.
"Severus?" she said trying to keep hold of herself as she began to tremble. Thought she had no idea if it was from rage or fear.
"No I have not touched Bellatrix in that way or any other." said Snape in an exhausted tone. "I have no plans to either if that makes you feel more at ease."
Hermione arched an eyebrow at this.
"Then why?" she started.
"You are right to have doubts." said Snape again. "But not about my love for you."
Hermione gave him her full attention.
"Why do you keep saying that?" she asked confused by this whole ordeal.
"I say it because it is true." replied Snape. "I have broken your trust and you will always fear that I shall do it again."
Hermione let out a sigh of relief. She had not wished to give any more voice to further her doubts when it came to her husband's past with Bellatrix. She attempted to right this off and head back into the kitchen when he stopped her.
"We need to talk." said Snape in a serious tone.
Those very words sent an eerie chill down Hermione's spine as she stood there.
"What about?" she asked almost too afraid to ask.
"There are things about me..." he began.
"Severus not this again...we've been over this...you are not scaring me away." said Hermione interrupting him.
Snape rolled his eyes agreeing mentally to push forward and admit the truth to his wife.
"I have never been a wizard that knows what was good for me." he said continuing. "And given that I am...shall we say "a glutton for punishment"...I have done things that many would could consider questionable by vast means."
Hermione resigned herself to listening to her husband. Though she wished he knew better than to resort to self loathing.
"There is a certain part of me that even I cannot control." said Snape looking into Hermione's eyes as he began to bear his soul to her. "It's the part of me that I believe I have inherited from my mother...a self destructive aspect of myself that knows no bounds when it comes to destroying anything I hold dear."
Snape sat on the sofa trying to find the words to express the depths of his inner most torment to his young confused wife.
"I hurt people that I care very deeply for...I cannot help it and when it happens..." he stated. "When it happens it usually ends up driving them away."
"I already told you that I am not going anywhere Severus." said Hermione firmly.
"I sincerely hope that's true." replied Snape. "Because that side...that part of me...Bellatrix has had control over it for quite sometime."
Hermione's eyes widened.
"I don't know why but I often find myself...needing her." said Snape not meeting his wife's eyes at this point. "I don't...I cannot seem to break myself from the constant need of her...I've often tried everything I could think of to ween myself away from her but...somehow...someway I ended up..."
"No more Severus." said Hermione unable to stomach what he was saying about his lust for Bellatrix. "Please..."
"It is not my intention to hurt you Hermione." said Snape getting off the sofa and falling to his knees before her. "And I am not saying that I will run off with the deranged woman."
Hermione rolled her eyes. Clearly bitter about Snape's confession.
"All I am saying is that I may have inherited this need...to destroy myself from my mother." said Snape. "I visited her grave this passed night and I kept trying to figure out why...after everything Tobias put us through did she stay with him."
Hermione's expression softened as she took this in. It seemed Severus was not expressing his attraction to Bellatrix to say that he wanted to take her to bed. He was simply trying to explain a flaw in his genes or rather get an explanation mostly to have answers to some long overdue questions about his parents and why his life had been so difficult.
The bushy haired witch suddenly understood.
"Severus you are not your father." she said softly running her fingers through his lengthy raven hair. "And I am not like your mother in the least...you are not bad for your family...we love you."
Snape had heard her but his stormy feelings were another matter.
"There is something dark in me...Hermione." said Snape. "It's why no one ever loved me."
Hermione refused to believe any of this.
"Severus it doesn't matter what those other witches and wizards thought of you." she said angry once more at the treatment he had gotten over the years. "They never took the time to get to know you...I love you...your children love you."
Snape pulled away from her.
"My children." he said as if suddenly very tired. "My children will curse the very blood in their veins."
"Severus." said Hermione not wishing to argue further about this. "Stop."
Snape sighed noting that she would never comprehend fully what he had been trying to say to her. He had known what he was. He made no illusions to the contrary, but he wasn't like Harry Potter, some hero to be revered then turn on once the public got wind of his misdeeds. He had blood on his hands for as long as he could remember. Hermione was a sweet and still fairly innocent young woman. She knew nothing about how cruel he could truly be and delight in it. When she looked at him she saw a man on a quest for redemption, a cause to fight for...perhaps it had been due to her having been a Gryffindor. Then perhaps it had to do with her unyielding love for him.
"I don't want to hurt you...Hermione." he said trying to sum up what he had been trying to say. "I would rather die than hurt you...but you and I both know that there is often little choice when it comes to such actions."
"I refuse to believe that." said Hermione defiantly. "And I refuse to continue this conversation...you are obviously quite tired and drained emotionally from your visit to your parents' graves...perhaps you should lie down."
Snape nodded in agreement.
"Perhaps." he said softly.
He kissed Hermione on the lips and ventured toward their shared bedroom. Hermione sighed once he was out of the room and headed toward the kitchen. He was wrong about being anything like Tobias Snape. The bushy haired witch got started preparing dinner as lunch had gone by. She did not want to hear anymore talk of this sort and quickly pushed it out of her mind.