Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, save the plot.

Rating: PG 13 for scenes of battle violence and adolescent angst.

Summary: To all, the prince of Mirkwood was Beloved. But to the lone Warden of Lorien, he was a nightmare incarnate.

Author's Note: I apologize for the hiatus, and thank you for waiting. I've been through a deathly illness and have just begun to recover. Please forgive me if I don't respond to reviews individually – I do read and appreciate every one of them, so so much.

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By Kasmi Kassim

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Golden Sun, Silver Moon

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Chapter 10: Where Salvation Lies

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"You called, my lady."

The Lady of Light turned to see a child standing in the pavilion, looking small among milling shadows. She held out a hand. He shuffled forward.

"Prince Thranduil has given leave, Haldir. They will await the three of you at dawn." She kneeled and pushed back baby hair. He stared at the floor, and in vain she searched for joy in downcast eyes. "What is the matter, child?"

"But it is her home," he said, almost inaudible.

"As it will be yours." She tipped up his chin. "Thranduil's age will be a golden one. He will rise to greatness, and you will be proud to call Greenwood your home."

The shout of the refugees echoed in the distance. The child hid behind his hair again. "Yes, my lady."

A babe burst into a wail from behind. She eyed the restless crowd. "You will always be welcome here." She embraced him, limp as a doll. "But you deserve to hold to what family you have found."

There was no answer. She sighed. "Be happy, little one."

She rose, waving over the next in line. She never saw which direction the child went.

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Lamps flared to life beneath the windows. Haldir sat alone in darkness as songs echoed into the night, cheerful and distant as a memory.

"You do not join the revels, Haldir?"

The Lady stood at the entrance of the healing ward, a shimmer of stars in the lonely room.

"The past few days have been dark, my lady."

"Merely days? My child, years of darkness could come to an end." If you wished it, lingered the unspoken words.

"I," Haldir looked away. Grief bubbled in his gut, poisoning his heart. "I had not expected to survive," he whispered, hushed with regret.

The Lady watched in silence, and moved to stand by the window. "They sing of your valor, you know." She looked down at the festivities below. "You are hailed a hero."

"I am no such thing," Haldir spat. Blood still gushed in his memory, a fervent prayer. A youth stood over a dying elf in a cave, shouted, I am the prince of Greenwood. The roaring of elves – run, Haldir, whispered a child, barely adolescent, as Rumil raised a great sword at the front of battle, Orophin's wet cheeks against his own. She was my mother too, cried a child under the moon, and his heart scorched with the memory, every one of them.

No, it was not he who had saved Lorien. His shoulders hunched. "I am but a coward."

A burst of magic lit the sky, lighting the Lady's face before fading to shadow.

"Sometimes I wonder," the Lady said, "if I should not have sent you away regardless."

Haldir's head jerked up.

"I wonder," she continued, eyes fixed on the dark horizon, "and I regret."

You don't let anyone help you, Legolas had said. Not even your brothers.

"My lady, the choice was mine."

"It should not have been."

Orophin had shouted, what are you doing to us?

The poison in his heart gave way to gaping darkness, a vast abyss of a past forgotten. He had pushed on, done his best to fill the void the best he could, plant the seeds of tomorrow. His brothers were grown, Legolas was shielded from the truth – and yet the poison spread, erupting into his life as his brothers' hearts lay scattered at his feet, his adoring prince fleeing his woods, and the Lady of Light watched him with age-old sorrow, bared of her majesty. Haldir wanted to cry.

"Forgive me," he whispered.

"Tell me, young Warden." Cold hands touched his. "Tell me how to make it right."

And once again he was a child in that cold night, the child he had buried long ago in the void of memory. It haunted him, this child that refused to die, staring with eyes as blue as the starlit pavilion where he stood demanding sanctuary while refusing to cry, because he could not let his brothers know, he could not let anyone know.

Little had he known that the Lady had been watching, waiting, all these years.

"I'll try," he whispered hoarsely. "By Valar I'll try."

The Lady wordlessly squeezed his hand.

A voice soared into a song from below. It was Legolas.

A child of the moon and a child of the sun

Dancing the song of forgotten dawn

Under the sunlit leaves they'd run

While the ancient song would carry on –

"Was he worth it?" said the Lady, and Haldir smiled, broken.

"My lady, he is worthy of everything."

"Even of her memory?" She carefully swept back strands of wispy hair. "Is he the salvation you have been waiting for, dear Warden?"

I am not my mother, Haldir.

Haldir tightened his jaw. "My salvation lies elsewhere, as do my nightmares." He raised determined eyes. "I saved Legolas for Legolas's sake."

And the Lady smiled at last, faint and ageless like a star. "That's my Haldir."

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Autumn was in full bloom when the squadron prepared to return to the outskirts of the forest. Rumil was officially to lead the patrol. "But Rumil's terrifying," Orophin grumbled during his last visit.

Haldir rolled his eyes. "Rumil is the opposite of that."

"You think that because you're old. You talk in your sleep, like a grandpa."

"Very amusing, I'm sure."

"Pathetic, rather." Orophin gave one last tug at the bandages. "Forgiveness, past, blah, blah, blah." He packed up the kit as Haldir gave an experimental turn of his body. "Good conversation starter, I guess."

Haldir stared. "You wouldn't dare."

"Probably not." Orophin put down the healing kit and stood. "Because you'll talk to him immediately."

"I will?"

"Oh, come on." Orophin looked decidedly tired. "I've put up with your martyr complex for this long, but even my patience has limits for certain things. Your martyr complex, orcs in our forest, and Rumil's cooking, to name a few."

"Excuse me?" Rumil poked his head in. "My cooking does not compare to Haldir's martyr complex."

Haldir rubbed his temple. "Be safe, Orophin."

"See, o dismissed one, I told you I'm the favorite brother."

"Keep telling yourself that, orcface."

Orophin left as Rumil entered with a sweep of autumn leaves. "A healer will come by every day to help you around." He sat at Haldir's bedside. "Don't change the bandages yourself, don't move around too much and don't climb down until a healer permits it, and for Valar's sake don't scamper around starting new projects insisting that it's fine because you're going to do them in your bed."

Haldir smiled. "And safe travels to you, Captain." He reached to the bedside table and held out the Warden's crest.

Rumil took it gingerly. "Where's yours?"

"Hidden, because Orophin coveted it. Knowing him, he'll use it to prank a maiden or ten."

"Give him some credit, Haldir. He'll prank the Marchwarden and blame it on you." Rumil grimaced. "Or me."

Haldir watched Rumil fiddle with the crest, and reached out to grasp unsteady fingers. "You deserve this, Rumil."

Rumil stared down at their hands. "Would you have done it?" He said to Haldir's hand. "Left one of us to die?"

Haldir chose his words carefully. "I do not know."

"But we now know where my priorities lie." Rumil smiled, grim.

"That's why you will make a better Warden than I."

"What's a heartless Warden that abandons his brothers?"

"A pragmatic one." Haldir tightened his grip. "One that trusts his brothers."

Rumil looked up at last, eyes haunted with despair. "If I had been late-"

"You wouldn't have been," Haldir cut in. "And that's why you were named Warden."

The afternoon sun seeped between them. Rumil rose briskly. "Drink?"

Haldir gratefully accepted a cup Rumil brought back from the small kitchen, and watched him scan the interior to make sure everything was within reach. Rumil sat back down on the seat, and crossed a foot over a knee. "So," he said casually, "I saw Legolas today."

Haldir carefully set down the cup on his lap.

"He's avoiding us, I think?" Rumil turned the crest over in his hand. "Maybe just you."

Silence. Rumil sighed, and set the crest on the bedside table. "Haldir, what happened between you two out there?"

Haldir's shoulders slumped. "I lost control." He ran a hand down his face. "I seem to do that often, when he is concerned."

There was a telling silence. Haldir glanced up to meet Rumil's unblinking stare. "Are you going to comment on me and control?" he said wryly.

"I'm refraining."

"Thank you." Haldir squinted at dry leaves hanging between Rumil's plaits. He reached forward to pick at them.

"But Haldir." Rumil remained unmoving. "Isn't that because you want to?"

"Want-? To lose control?" Haldir's hand paused midair.

"To be honest."

Haldir frowned. "I don't-"

"You must know that you are more honest with him than anyone." Rumil met Haldir's stunned gaze. "You have no need to prove yourself the grownup brother, or fearless leader, or child prodigy. And I'm happy for you, Haldir. Everyone needs someone like that."

"That's," Haldir stared at the leaves. "Rumil, you know that's-"

"You have to do what makes you happy." Rumil swiped the crest off the table and stood. "No matter who helps you get there, Haldir, you have to be happy."

With a smell of autumn and a glint of brass, the new Warden was gone. Alone in his talan, Haldir sat long after the winds lingered in his cooling cup, as a lone leaf bobbled in their rippling wake.

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Legolas appeared at his talan when the last of the leaves fell. He was standing at the entrance, watching Haldir peel at his bandages, when Haldir noticed and choked on the gauze in his mouth. "Yegoyas."

"Where's your healer?" Legolas shifted. "Should I call someone?"

"Please, come in." Haldir scrambled to gather the bandages off the bed as Legolas tentatively entered. "I sent her away with the squadron." He wiped his mouth.

"Let me."

Haldir turned his back obediently. Legolas perched on the bed and began to redress the wound.

"You need to stop that." Legolas's voice was quiet. Older.

"I know. I get restless."

"No, I mean putting other people's needs before your own."

The little leaf. How he had grown in barely a year. A warmth spread in Haldir's heart, as breathless as it was painful. "You're right," he said quietly. "I am trying."

Fingers stopped, startled. Legolas coughed a little. "You, um, heard from your brothers?"

"They're well. Rumil has impeccable judgment."

"He said you're not getting better."

"He mostly has impeccable judgment." Haldir glanced back to see Legolas staring down at the wound. "It's slow to heal, that's all."

"I didn't think it would." Tentative fingers traced the scars. "You ripped it too many times."

"You are a mightier healer than you think. Look how you healed Orophin."

"Orophin said you're not getting better because you're afraid I'll leave again."

"Orophin has absolutely horrible judgment, stop talking to him."

Legolas laughed a little. Silence settled.

"Legolas-"

"So Rumil isn't," Legolas blurted. "Um. He isn't going to take a squadron of his own after you return?"

"Rumil is blessed with the rare gift of self-awareness." Haldir sucked in a breath as Legolas pushed a tender spot. "He counterbalances me. The squadron benefits from his presence."

"But what about the patrol? Wouldn't they benefit from another squadron?"

"It is a great loss, as Rumil would make a better leader than I. But he is also free to make his choices."

"Is that really a choice?"

Haldir glanced over his shoulder, and found Legolas gazing stubbornly downward.

So here it was. Haldir took a deep breath. "Did you truly wish to tell the orcs your identity and make yourself an interterritorial pawn?" he said, gentle. "Or was that a choice you were willing to make to save my life?"

Fingers jerked against the gauze, squeezing the breath from Haldir's lungs. "Legolas, it had always been my choice."

"Choices shouldn't be like that." His voice was tight. "They should be what you want."

"You're right." Haldir smiled a little. "And sometimes, even when we know what we want, we make foolish choices."

Legolas looked away. "I know." The hands fell away. "I'll be back in two days."

"Orophin's right, you know." Haldir looked up to find Legolas halfway on his feet, frozen. "I was afraid that you'd leave again."

Legolas opened his mouth, and no sound came out.

"I was afraid you'd leave before I had a chance to make it up to you." Haldir turned, and reached out a hand. Legolas caught it, seemingly without thinking. "I thought you wouldn't say goodbye this time. And Valar knows I don't deserve one."

Legolas stared down at their hands. His lips moved faintly. "You think so little of me."

"You're right. You have taken pains to know me. And yet I-" his throat closed when he saw Legolas look up at last, eyes lit with terrible hope. Haldir's stomach churned, his chest thumping with rapid heat. "Allow me another chance," he managed. "Let me start over."

The silence held for a trembling moment. Then Legolas swallowed, and a fragile smile unfurled like sunlight. "I'm a busy prince, but I'll think about it."

Haldir breathed at last, the heat in his chest flowing into his limbs and tickling his skin. He didn't deserve this happiness, but Valar curse him if he let it slip through his fingers again. He reached for a goodbye, and Legolas gripped his hand with a steadier grasp. Haldir smiled, and then turned grim. "Maybe next time, we could talk about your unfortunate judgment of undoing all my good work by revealing your identity to the enemy?"

Legolas pouted. "Don't tell me what to do."

Haldir's shoulders shook with a silent laugh. Little Thranduilion never ceased to be brave.

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Haldir turned out to be a difficult patient once outside his squadron's view. He'd be caught fumbling with his bandages, and when faced with a lecture from his guest, retaliate by reciting the "I am the prince of Greenwood, take me prisoner instead of this filthy commoner" speech, resulting in an indignant princeling who made to leave and a laughing Warden holding him back.

Days turned into weeks, and fallen leaves stiffened with the chill. Legolas appeared at Haldir's talan one day, much later than his usual hour. Haldir rose from beside his great mallorn chest, noting that Legolas was too distracted to scold him for being on the floor.

"My father sends for me," Legolas said, unseeing gaze fixed on the chest. "Our woods grow dark. I am to return as soon as winter passes."

Haldir stood very still.

Legolas shifted. "I'm sorry, Haldir. It's sudden." His eyes finally focused on the carving knife on Haldir's hand, a block of wood in another. His face crumpled. "We won't have time," he said, voice breaking with despair. "The hidden glade will be frozen by the time you're well, and then I must leave."

Haldir slowly bent down, put the knife and wood into the chest. "Why not?" he closed the lid and straightened. "Let's go right now." He walked past a stunned Legolas. "Then we can finish the song before you leave."

"But you can't -" Legolas poked his head outside. "Haldir, no! You can't walk that far without hurting yourself!"

Haldir was already on the forest floor when Legolas spotted him. "Come, little Leaf," he called, moving rapidly away. "The sun is falling."

It was no use to protest. Legolas glided down the tree and hurried after.

The walk was long. Yellowed grass brushed against their ears as they waded off the beaten path. Legolas glanced back to see the city diminish behind them. "Haldir, if you walk much farther your wound will open again. And then I will have to carry you."

"The day I make little Thranduilion carry me is the day I marry a troll."

"Hey, I am not going to be little forever!"

"That is absolutely the wrong thing to say, innocent Thranduilion."

"What-"

Haldir gently nudged Legolas forward, where a sweeping glade opened amid a circle of towering trees. Engulfed in their shadow was a small pond encased in reeds. A flock of birds flew overhead, cutting across the circular horizon.

Legolas held his breath. "It's beautiful." He looked up at the brushed blue sky. "Haldir, this really is worthy of songs."

"It is." Haldir watched Legolas spin, laughing into the wind. "This is where we first met, your mother and I."

Legolas stopped spinning.

"She was praying in the waters for Greenwood's safe return." Haldir looked away into the towering trees. "She was so young, but we didn't – well. Rumil doesn't remember what our parents looked like. She was all he had."

Rumil. Kind, patient Rumil, who always knew what to say. He had told Legolas how Haldir had grown over the years, but no one spoke of how the years had treated Rumil.

"When she went away," Haldir said, hushed, "Rumil…cried a lot."

Legolas stared at Haldir, who stood blocking the slant of the afternoon sun, his face unreadable in its shadow. "Haldir-"

"When I said I hated you, little Leaf," Haldir cleared his throat. "My hatred was true. But it was hatred for myself, not you." He smiled, deprecating. "I had failed everyone, but I wanted forgiveness. Valar, I wanted it – enough to put the blame on you instead. So I stayed away to prevent that, except I ended up doing it, didn't I? When it was convenient." Haldir squared his shoulders. "I am sorry, Legolas," he said quietly. "I have been a coward. I should have said this from the beginning. I am sorry for everything."

Legolas blinked slowly. "There is nothing to forgive, Haldir. There is nothing you could have done. You weren't even there."

"I was meant to be."

The winds felt chill.

"When your mother left for Greenwood, she asked me to join her. I was to be her private guard."

Legolas swallowed. "You…said no."

"I said yes." On his shadowed face, there was an outline of a smile. "I never showed."

The rustling of the reeds grew louder. Legolas tried to breathe. "I…don't understand."

Haldir suddenly moved, wading through the tall grass. "You know that your parents were childhood friends," he said as he passed Legolas.

Legolas followed numbly. "She was among the Silvan orphans raised in my grandfather's court." He thought back to the weaver at the loom, caressing the tapestry that would adorn the Hall of Histories. You are a child of harmony, Prince, she had said, patting his head as he dozed on her lap. In more ways than one.

Haldir turned then, and Legolas stopped walking. Facing the blaze of dying sunlight, Haldir was unrecognizably young.

"It was said that if you were lost in the darkest pits of Greenwood, the elf who guided you back to light was Prince Thranduil. If you fell in battle, the captain that came running to your aid was Prince Thranduil. If your daughter refused to marry, it was because Prince Thranduil was a bachlelor."

"Haldir-"

"I never showed," Haldir said, "because I found out that your mother was in love with Prince Thranduil."

Legolas breathed slowly.

"My brothers grew up without the only mother figure they have known. She died thinking she had failed us somehow. You lost your mother, Thranduil his queen." Haldir smiled, sharp as a knife. "All because of a child's petty jealousy."

The winds screamed through the reeds.

"Do your brothers know?" Legolas whispered.

"No. And they would look upon me quite differently if they did." Haldir's smile broke. His eyes were a tumbling blue, daring and vulnerable. "Not so perfect now, am I?"

The shadows were leaning into Haldir, who stood alone under the narrowing skies, precarious at the water's edge. Legolas dug his heels into the ground. "It's in the past," he said with difficulty.

"Yet it still pains us, doesn't it?"

"You don't know that you could have saved her."

"If there had been anyone there at all – she could have had a chance. And I would have been there."

"Stop it," Legolas hissed. "Stop it, Haldir. Why are you doing this?"

The winds whispered morosely between them. The shadows were growing.

"Do you know how Rumil cries?" Haldir said quietly. He was knee deep in shadow, eyes lit by the amber sun. "He hides, and never makes a sound. I did that to him." He chuckled, hard and brittle. "I threatened – that she would be ashamed of him if she knew that he cried for her like a baby."

"Valar, Haldir-"

"He was such a kind, considerate child." Haldir's eyes glittered like shattered glass. "Always offering to share his toys. Taking care of baby Orophin with those little hands. He had such plump cheeks." He reached up to touch his cheekbone. "He never wailed like that before, or after. His cheeks thinned out. He cried for months." He laughed, soft and jagged. "And I silenced him."

"Haldir, please-"

"His tears," Haldir whispered, "are a brand on my heart." The sun burned down his eyes, streaks of liquid light. "And I will live and relive it, as long as I draw breath."

Legolas swiftly crossed into the shadow and clutched at Haldir's tunic. "Please," he breathed, head bowed against Haldir's chest. "Please."

Haldir wordlessly gathered Legolas into his arms. Legolas clung, exhausted.

The shadows had swallowed them both by the time Haldir pulled away. "Forgive me," he murmured. "I speak too much when I am with you."

Legolas put their bowed foreheads together. "What can I do, Haldir?" he whispered, hot and desperate. "What can I do?"

"Nothing. This is my burden to bear."

The reeds had fallen quiet.

"One thing," Haldir said haltingly.

"Anything."

"Just know-" Haldir paused, and squeezed out a breath. "That I always have loved you, little Leaf."

Legolas nodded. Haldir closed his eyes, spent.

The sky was bleeding pink into blue when Legolas at last tugged at his hand. "Let's go home, Haldir."

The walk was longer than before. Haldir panted, looking as if to collapse if not for Legolas leading him with a determined grip.

"Was that why you never visited?" Legolas said suddenly. "And that's the real reason you avoided me too, wasn't it? Because Ada and I would forgive you, and all those years of guilt and sacrifice would go away. You wouldn't know what to do." He slowed. "You didn't want to be forgiven," he said, realizing as he went. "You didn't want to be happy."

And how inevitable it was, that this child would so clearly see what the Lady had been waiting for Haldir to see all these years, what had been breaking his brothers' hearts all their lives. Haldir looked up at the darkening sky, wondering if the Valar were watching.

The sky was dark when they reached the rocky outlines of the city. Legolas stopped and deposited them both in a nook between tall boulders, where Haldir leaned with a heavy pant.

"I was near that age, you know, when she died." Legolas was gazing downward, his hands caressing Haldir's wound with a healing prayer. "It was my fault. But of course it was, wasn't it? She died for me." He looked up, with hardened eyes older than his years. "It took Gandalf and Ada and a near-death experience to learn to let it go. To choose the good memories. To embrace the love instead of guilt. And even now, sometimes I wonder." He smiled, grim. "Some days are harder than others, to make that choice."

Withdrawing, Legolas straightened. "You were a child too." His touched Haldir's cheek. "You were a child too, although you forgot." His eyes turned tender. "Oh, Haldir, someone should have told you it's all right to cry."

Haldir closed his eyes. Decades of bone-dry grief surged within, crashing into a wave, and he clutched Legolas's hand like a lifeline.

Legolas drew himself up on his toes, and placed a kiss on Haldir's bowed forehead. "Even if you never manage to forgive yourself," he whispered, "I am honored to know you, Haldir of Lorien."

Above them both, the darkness slowly gave way to quiet, gentle stars.

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To Be Continued