Chapter thirteen: Submit yourself to the taint

Morrigan lead us away through what she claimed was a short cut to our camp. However, to me it felt more like a way to confuse us on how to get back to her and her mother's hut. I shivered as I walked the chill of the wilds sinking into my bones. I thought I would be glad to be back at camp next to the fire by the Grey Warden's tents, but the closer we got to the encampment the colder I became. Just outside the gates, I turned to say farewell to Morrigan but she had melted back into the wildlands she called home. I was sad to see her go, it been nice to travel with a fellow female companion, even if it had only been for a short while.

Her disappearance seemed to alleviate some of the discomfort from Alistair's face but as we approached Duncan, Alistair's posture changed. I peered at him out of the corner of my vision; each step that brought us closer to the Joining shifted something in him. He stood taller, his shoulders straight and proud. His head rose, as he walked with purpose towards Duncan. You could see just how much the Grey Warden captain had come to mean to him.

It made me think of my own father, how many times had I done the same thing, stood taller, spoke clearer, just to make a good impression. Perhaps the former Templar thought of Duncan like that. It made me curious about his upbringing; he had only mentioned being trained as a templar and raised by the chantry, other than that I knew next to nothing about him. Once the Joining was over, I intended to change that, he looked so lonely, in need of a friend. And although I'd had some issues with humans before did not mean all of them were the same. My mother had taught me that humans could be just as good as they could be bad, that everyone should be given a chance first. Alistair caught me staring at him and raised his eyebrow questioningly; I blushed and gave him a small smile before averting my gaze.

Duncan stood motionless, watching our small party carefully his gaze almost fatherly as it followed Alistair. His deep voice cut through the noise of the camp, "Ah, so you have returned from the wilds. One can assume that you were successful."

We all nodded, not wishing to embellish upon the endeavor. The events of what we had seen and done in the wilds still fresh in our memories. Duncan collected our vials of darkspawn blood and passed them to a messenger. "This is good, I will have the circle mages finish the preparations, with the blood you have gathered, we can begin the Joining immediately."

Alistair pulled the treaties from his pack and handed them to Duncan. "We met a woman at the tower, her mother had the scrolls. They were both very...odd."

Duncan accepted the scrolls studying them over briefly. "Were they wilder folk?"

Alistair shook his head, his honey colored hair fluttering with the motion. "No, I don't think so. The daughter referred to her mother as Flemeth. I think they were both apostates; mages hiding from the chantry."

Duncan's eyes rose thoughtfully. "Flemeth," he repeated suspiciously, his hand scrubbing his beard thoughtfully. His eyes flicked to the fire, lost in a distant memory, I watched him curiously. Perhaps he had known this Flemeth. He blinked rapidly as if coming out of a dream his dark eyes settling on Alistair, "I know you were training to become a templar, but your duties no longer lie with the chantry. What matters now is we have the scrolls and should proceed with the Joining."

"Now will you tell us what the ritual is about?" Jory demanded.

Duncan spoke carefully, meeting each of our eyes, "I will not lie, we Grey Wardens pay a heavy price to become what we are. Fate may decree you pay that price sooner than later."

Daveth swallowed nervously, his fingers dancing along the hilt of his dagger. "So what you're saying is that this ritual can kill us."

Duncan inclined his head towards the thief his eyes watching the way Daveth caressed his blade. "This is war; you could be killed by darkspawn tomorrow. Those who survive the Joining become immune to the taint. We can sense it in the darkspawn and use it to slay the archdemon. A task only a Grey Warden can accomplish."

"Is that why it's so secret?" I wondered aloud.

He sighed, nodding. "If only such secrecy was unnecessary and everyone could understand the necessity of our sacrifice." he shook his head slowly. "Sadly that will never be so."

Jory coughed nervously, "and what if we have second thoughts?"

Duncan crossed his arms across his chest, his eyes narrowing on the knight. "Let me be very clear on this point. You are not volunteers, wither you were conscripted or recruited, you have been chosen because you are needed." his gaze pierced each of ours, punctuating the next words that spilled from his mouth, "there is no turning back."

Taking a shallow breath, mustering all my courage I stepped forward. "I have no problem facing what's to come." Duncan smiled at my bravado and I earned a grin from Alistair.

Daveth tapped his fingers one final time on the hilt of his blade then grinned stepping next to me. "Let's go then, I'm anxious to see this Joining now."

I slid a glance at ser Jory who shuffled nervously. "Fine then let's have it done with," he growled.

Duncan took a sweeping glance at his recruits and nodded solemnly, "then let us begin. Alistair, take them to the old temple. I will be a long shortly."

Alistair who had remained mostly silent through this exchange straightened and nodded to the warden, ushering us away from the tents towards the temple. I didn't expect it to be in a small alcove just north of where I had found him earlier in the day. It was barren save for a small round table decorated only with a simple blue and silver cloth. Though it was open, it was nestled back far enough away from anyone who may wander by. I leaned against the stone temple wall and scanned the area; to the south, a large table filled with soldiers ate what looked like bowls of stew. Elven and human servants bustled about removing dishes and filling tankards. I caught the glint of gold, my eyes seeking the flash and saw the king among them. Next to him, a large pale man sat his long black hair tied back away from his face. From the way he held himself, I could only surmise that this had to be Teirn Loghain.

Jory paced next to me, drawing my attention from the kings table, a dark scowl etched on his face. Daveth sat on the ground sharpening one of his daggers attempting to ignore the knight. Alistair stood apart from us looking to the north where the tower of Ishall sat, his eyes flicked to Jory then back to the tower.

"The more I hear about this Joining the less I like it," Jory complained.

Daveth stopped sharpening his blade and fixed Jory with a sharp stare. "Are you blubbering again?"

Jory grunted, "why all these damned tests? Have I not earned my place?"

"Maybe its tradition," Daveth drawled pulling himself up to stand. "Or maybe they are just trying to annoy you."

"I swear I am the bravest one here." I snorted rolling my eyes. "Look, I don't like this any more than you do but there is nothing we can do about it now.'tis safe to assume that our choice in the matter has already been made for us."

"I only know that my wife is in Highever with a child on the way, if they had warned me... it just doesn't seem fair." Jory sighed heavily shaking his head.

Daveth shrugged his shoulders facing the knight. "Would you have come if they'd warned you?" the thief crossed his arms across his chest tilting his head to watch the knight. "Maybe that's why they don't. The wardens do what they must right?"

Jory threw his hands in the air wildly. "Including sacrificing us!" he exclaimed loudly.

"I'd sacrifice a lot more if I knew it would end the blight," Daveth argued. "You saw those darkspawn, ser knight. Wouldn't you die to protect your pretty wife from them?

Jory paled. "I..."

The thief turned his back on the knight pacing. "Maybe you will die, hell maybe we all will, but if nobody stops the darkspawn, we will all die for sure."

I sighed, pushing away from the wall and stood between the two men. "We don't know what is going to happen with the ritual, so stop dwelling on what ifs."

Jory frowned at me, "I've just never faced a foe I could not engage with my blade."

The thief bit back a retort, his eyes flicking behind me. I turned to see Duncan and an elderly white haired mage join us; she carried a vial of something in her hands. Duncan carried a simple silver chalice in his that he placed in the center of the small table. She poured the contents of the vial into the chalice offering us a smile of encouragement before leaving the five of us alone.

"This was it," I thought nervously my heart pounding loudly in my chest, my eyes glued to the cup. A shiver of cold dread slipped down my spine.

Duncan cleared his throat as Alistair moved to the table his face a hard line. "At last we have come to the Joining." Duncan's eyes met each of ours. "The Grey Warden's were founded during the first Blight, when humanity stood on the verge of annihilation. So it was then that the first Grey Warden drank of darkspawn blood, and mastered their taint."

Jory recoiled backing away from the group. "We're... going to drink the blood of those... those creatures?" my stomach rolled nauseously at his words.

Duncan nodded flicking his hand to the chalice. "As the first Grey Warden's did before us and as we did before you. This is the source of our power and our victory."

Alistair spoke softly, "Those who survive the Joining become immune to the Taint. We can sense it in the darkspawn and use it to slay the archdemon."

Sadness slid into Duncan's eyes, "not all who drink the blood will survive and those who do are forever changed. This is why the Joining is a secret. It is the price we pay."

I felt the air leave my lungs, not only could we die but we would forever be tied to the darkspawn. No wonder the Grey Wardens were surrounded in such mystery if the truth ever got out no one would ever want to join them.

Daveth stepped forward. "Let's get on with it then. The longer we wait the twitchier I get."

I glanced at the thief, he was right we all knew we had no choice at this point. There was no use dragging it out any longer. I took a deep steadying breath and nodded to Duncan, "I agree, let's get this over with." Jory stood back from us, sullen and silent.

Duncan picked up the cup holding it between his calloused palms. "We speak only a few words prior to the Joining, but they have been said since the beginning. Alistair, if you would."

Alistair smiled sheepishly, tightening our circle. He bowed his head, as in prayer. "Join us, brothers and sisters. Join us in the shadows where we stand, vigilant. Join us as we carry the duty that cannot be forsworn. And should you perish, know that your sacrifice will not be forgotten and that one day we to shall join you."

"Daveth, step forward," Duncan called offering the cup to the thief.

He accepted the chalice from the warden and drank, passing it back to Duncan. I held my breath as we waited unsure of what was going to happen. Almost instantly, Daveth screamed in pain, doubling over to the ground clutching his head. Blood poured like water from his eyes, nose and mouth. I gasped taking a step towards him as he collapsed on the ground. Duncan held up a hand warding me back and I stopped moving.

"Makers breath," Jory whispered.

Duncan knelt pressing a finger to the thief's throat, searching for a pulse. He shook his head sorrowfully, "I'm sorry Daveth, go in peace," he whispered as he closed Daveth's eyes and crossed his arms. I watched sadly, as two wardens appeared and carried the thief's body away. Once they were gone, Duncan turned his attention to the knight, "step forward Jory."

Jory stepped back his hand going for his sword, his eyes wild. "But, I have a wife. A Child! Had I known..."

Duncan sat the goblet down reaching for his own blades. "There is no turning back."

Jory backed even further away his sword drawn. "No you ask too much. There is no glory in this!"

Duncan stalked the knight closely. Alistair grabbed me by the arm pulling me into his arms away from the two men. I fought against him, trying to see what was happening. Jory swung at Duncan his blade seeking the warden wildly. Duncan was fast for his age, dodging the blade and meeting it with his own. They traded blows furiously, but in the end Jory was no match for Duncan's experience, I buried my face in Alistair's chest sobbing in horror as Duncan sunk his blade in to the knight's stomach. He pulled his blade free and Jory slid to the stone ground the light going out of his eyes. Two more Grey Wardens appeared lifting the fallen knight in their arms and carrying him away. "I'm sorry," Duncan whispered to the corpse sheathing his weapons. His eye searching for me, "Fiera, step forward."

I faltered as I tried to walk, my legs giving out unwillingly under me, the memory of the two recruits deaths too fresh in my mind. Duncan spoke softly, beckoning me forward. "The Joining is not yet complete. You are called upon to submit yourself to the taint for the greater good."

I clung to Alistair, trying to move but my legs would not cooperate. He looked down and sensing my difficulty, helped guide me to Duncan's side. Alistair's arms held me up as I met the wardens' gaze; I took several deep breaths, reaching for the cup. I tipped my head back swallowing a large mouthful quickly and handed the chalice back to Duncan. It burned as it slid down my throat, I lurched forward and Alistair released me letting me fall to the stone on my knees. My head and ears pounded as a thousand voices screeched at once. I pressed my hands to my ears trying to block out the noise, screaming wordlessly as my vision darkened. I could hear Duncan's soft words before I slid into unconsciousness.

"Welcome Fiera, you are now a Grey Warden."

Duncan and Alistair stood vigilant waiting for me to awaken. I did not know how long I had been out, but I could sense them before I opened my eyes. I groaned softly, my hands reaching to cup my head the remaining fragments of my dream fading away. Duncan offered me a hand, which I accepted, pulling me to my feet. "How do you feel?" he asked.

I took a moment, listening to my body trying to feel the change that he had said would happen. I shook my head. "I don't feel any different."

"Did you have bad dreams?" Alistair asked gently.

I blinked at him, "I think so, but it's all very blurry and confusing right now."

He nodded. "I had terrible dreams after my Joining."

"Such things come as you begin to sense the darkspawn, as all Grey Wardens do. The dreams as well as other things will be explained in the months to come," Duncan addressed us both, his eyes flicking back and forth between us.

I shrugged my shoulders anxious to be left alone, "alright."

Alistair cleared his throat, taking my hand in his and I shivered at the touch. There is one other thing before I forget, a last part to your Joining." I looked down at our hands and saw he had slipped a small pendant into my palm. Bringing it close to my face, I saw a small vial attached to a leather string. "We take some of that blood and put it into a pendant. Something to remind us... of those who didn't make it this far."

I placed a small palm on his forearm smiling gently, "thank you Alistair." he blushed lightly at my touch.

Duncan chuckled lightly at Alistair's reaction, turning his attention towards me. "Take some time to yourself and when you're ready please join us in the camp." He inclined his head at Alistair and retreated from the temple. I clenched the pendant tightly in my fist, and leaned against what once was a window, staring out into the night sky, I could feel the tears bubbling below the surface. I had witnessed so much death since my wedding day; I let out a quiet sob. I felt Alistair approach, and I wiped a fallen tear quickly from my cheek.

"In my Joining, only one of us died, but it was...horrible," his voice soft and full of sympathy. he placed a warm comforting hand on my shoulder. "For what it's worth, I'm glad you survived."

I turned, offering him a small kind smile. "I appreciate it Alistair, but I would really like to be alone for a little while."

He pulled his hand away awkwardly, giving a little laugh. "Uh, yes, I mean, no problem. I'll leave you be, and will be at the pyre with Duncan if you need to talk or anything."

I nodded and watched him fall back to the camp. I stood there silently for a long time after he had gone, listening to the rustling of the world around me. My heart hurt and my eyes burned, I dug into one of the pouches at my hip and pulled the wedding band from Nelarous out. I carefully undid the knot in the leather cord and added the ring to the pendant, tying it around my neck, and slipping it under my leather armor. No matter what had brought me to this moment, I was alive when they were not and I would never forget them. There was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, of all the death I had seen already, I sensed it was only the beginning.