APRIL

"Mama, another piece of candy? One more? Please?"

I'm sitting on the couch in the living room, surrounded by our family and friends. It's New Year's Eve, and tonight is the one night of the year that the kids have no bedtime.

Right now, Tessa is at my side, lips already coated with chocolate as she asks for more for the thousandth time tonight.

"Honey, you'll never go to sleep if you have more," I say.

"I never wanna go to sleep!" she cheers, hands in the air.

Jackson walks in the room, charming everyone on his way in. He catches my eye and comes over, then sits next to me.

"What's the harm?" he asks, rubbing my thigh. "Come on, babe. It's New Year's."

"Daddy said yes, Daddy said yes!" Tessa sings, and runs off with a huge handful of Lindor truffles.

"It'll be your fault when she slips into a sugar coma," I mutter.

"Mama! Treats!"

I look over and see Tybie close on Tessa's heels, opening her palms as Tessa shares with her younger sister.

"Good lord," I grumble, and let my head fall to rest on Jackson's shoulder.

"Want me to take little man?" he asks. "Take some weight off you?"

I smile down at baby Tristan, who's 15 months old now, deeply asleep on my chest. His head is turned to one side, cheek squished against my collarbone, one chubby fist wrapped tight around my necklace.

"No," I say. "This one's mine. He's the only one not giving me an ulcer."

Jackson chuckles. "Speaking of trouble, where's Big T?"

"Playing with his friends in the basement," I say. "Just Dance, I think."

"I'm gonna go check on them," Jackson says. "He was talking about the ball drop all day, and it's five 'til."

"Alright," I say, and pet the baby's hair.

I make small talk with friends from both mine and Jackson's work, which mostly consists of talking about the kids nonstop. They're who everyone asks about - no one can believe I'm not even thirty and have four kids. One who's ten years old, no less.

It's hard not to ramble about them, though. Theo is the best reader in his entire elementary school, having claimed that title since second grade. He won the science fair this past fall for an experiment involving plants and what kinds of music they prefer. Tessa just started cheerleading, inspired after seeing old pictures of me, and everyone loves to fawn over that. We got rid of Tybie's last pacifier, which is a feat in itself, and she just learned how to get dressed by herself. And Tristan - well, it doesn't matter what Tristan does at this point. He's the baby, and that's enough.

A few minutes after he goes to the basement, Jackson comes up smiling and carrying Theo, who's sound asleep.

"Oh, my big baby," I say, as Jackson walks over. The person next to me vacates the spot on the couch so Jackson can sit, our firstborn limp as a ragdoll on his lap.

"Passed out on the couch down there," he says. "His friends all found their moms. The game was going on loop, loud as hell. I'm surprised he could sleep through it."

I lean over to kiss Theo's forehead while keeping a hand on Tristan's back. "He sleeps through everything," I say.

"Should we wake him up for the ball drop?" Jackson asks.

"Yeah," I say. "If we don't, we're in big trouble. Here, leave him with me and go get the girls. It's almost time."

Theo leans heavily against me, and I wrap an arm around his shoulders and jostle him gently.

"Theo, baby," I say. "It's almost midnight. You wanna wake up and ring in the new year with us?"

He makes a soft sound, snuggling against my arm instead of opening his eyes. I laugh and press my nose to the top of his head, then Jackson comes back - Tessa trotting at his side while he carries Tybie like a football under one arm.

"Here we go!" he bellows, and Theo flinches awake.

"Did I miss it?" he asks, rubbing his eyes and looking at me.

"Nope, you're just in time," I say. "Look!"

The countdown begins in our living room, and when the ball drops into the new year, everyone cheers. Miraculously, Tristan doesn't bat an eye throughout the entire thing.

A while later, after mostly everyone has left, we're all gathered saying our goodbyes by the front door.

"You guys have big plans in a few days, don't you?" Addison asks Tessa as she gets her coat on. She's the last guest to leave.

"We're gonna watch Daddy play football!" she cheers.

"Daddy play ball," Tybie says, leaning against Jackson's leg and looking up at Addison with sleepy eyes. "See Daddy play ball."

"You must be so excited," Addison continues, and looks between Jackson and me. Before she leaves, she comes over and strokes Tristan's wily curls, then gives me a kiss on the cheek. "If you need any help on that day, don't hesitate to call. I'd love to lend a hand."

"Oh, I've got it under control," I say. "If anyone knows how to handle these monsters, it's me."

"And me," Theo says.

I smile warmly at him and hug his shoulders. "Right. I got this one to help me out, too."

"I'm not a monster, mommy!" Tessa insists, tugging on my sweater. "I'm not! I'm a girl!"

"It's a figure of speech," Theo says, eyes wide.

Addison laughs. "Alright, I'll let you guys get to bed. It's late!"

She walks out the door, and Jackson and I corral our kids upstairs.

"Mama, I'm not even tired," Tessa says, brushing her teeth as she stands in her Moana nightgown. "I think I'm gonna stay up all night."

"Oh, no you're not," I say, peeking out from where I've walked into Tristan's nursery. Luckily, he was already in pajamas, so all I have to do is lay him down and turn the mobile on.

"I won't wake up Ty-Ty," Tessa assures me.

I glance around her, where Tybie is sitting on the toilet, polka-dotted PJ pants around her ankles, head lolled to her chest. I chuckle to myself and walk into the bathroom, ruffling Tessa's hair as I pass, and lift up Tybie's chin.

"You done?" I ask her.

"Yeah," she rasps. "I goed potty, mama."

"I know you did," I say. "That's very good. How about you wipe, and I'll take you to bed."

When her pants are up, I lift her onto my hip and she rests her head on my shoulder, already falling back to sleep.

"Finishing brushing, sissy," I say, kissing the top of Tessa's head. "Then come to bed."

I take Tybie into the room she shares with her older sister and lay her down, tucking her in without even being asked for a story. When Tessa skips in, she sees that her little sister is asleep and immediately crawls into bed much quieter.

"Ty-Ty's sleepy," she says. "Mama, where's my brother?"

"Theo or Tristan?" I ask, lying down next to her.

"Baby T," she says, playing with my hair as one arm rests on top of my head.

"In his crib," I say, voice growing slurred. "He's been asleep for a long time. Just like you should be."

"But I'm not tired," she says. "And I have a question. Why is your hair red, but all our hairs is black like Daddy's?"

I open my mouth to answer, but find my brain too cloudy to come up with something worthwhile. "Long story, honey," I mumble.

"Mama, are you fallin' asleep?" Tessa asks, peering into my face. "Are you going night-night, mama? In my bed?"

I turn on my side to face her, and feel her soft lips on my forehead, kissing me in the way I kiss her as I wish her goodnight.

"Sweet dreams, mama," she whispers. "I take care of you. You're in my bed."

What must be a while later, I feel a soft hand on my shoulder.

"Peach," I hear, and blink my eyes open slowly. "Peachy, baby, wake up. Let's go to bed. You're about to push our kid onto the floor."

Jackson comes into view as I blink harder, then I realize where I am. I never left Tessa's bed, and she's almost hanging off it from how much room I'm taking up.

"Okay," I groan, and stand up as gently as I can. Jackson rearranges our daughter so she's tucked in with enough room, and flicks off the light between she and Tybie's beds.

I brush my teeth and hair, then lie down with my arms strewn above my head.

"I could sleep for a year," I mumble, eyelids heavy.

The mattress pushes down as Jackson crawls in, and he pulls me flush to his side. With his arm under my neck to use as a pillow, I curl into him and wind my foot between his ankles, right where I like it. I rub his bare chest and kiss the skin I can reach, and he gives me a subtle squeeze.

"Happy New Year, baby mama," he says, kissing my hairline.

"Back at you, babe," I say. "And tomorrow morning, unless there's a natural disaster, don't even think about waking me up."

…

A couple days later, before I open my eyes, I feel lips on my neck. Knowing it's Jackson, I pretend to still be asleep just to see what he'll do.

It must be early, because there's no light shining in from the windows and no babies crying for attention.

From my neck, he travels to my sternum, ghosts his hands over my breasts before pushing the covers down and messing with the drawstring of my shorts. He kisses my thighs slowly, and when he grabs the waistband of my shorts in attempt to pull them down, I choose that moment to make my wakefulness known.

"Is there a fire?" I ask, jokingly.

"Hmm?" he says.

"A fire," I say. "Is our house on fire?"

"No…" he says.

"Then why are you waking me up?"

He laughs, and I can't help but join in. "Shush," he says. "I wanted to wake you up with a surprise."

He'd tried last night, but I was exhausted and Tristan kept waking up and crying every five minutes. We're in the process of breaking him from co-sleeping with us, and it hasn't been easy.

I spread my knees and Jackson situates a pillow under my hips to prop them up. After removing my shorts, he eats me out with a passion he's never lost and I let myself get caught up in the way he makes me feel. Admittedly, we don't have as much sex as we used to. It seems there's always a little human in our bed, or one who's crying, or one who's demanding attention way too early in the morning. So, when we do get a chance, we cherish it.

After it's over, I'm lying there spent, chest heaving as I try to catch my breath. My fingers ghost over his nearly-shaved head, and he's smiling from between my thighs, licking his lips.

"You're amazing," I pant, still pulsing. I glance at the alarm clock, which tells me at least one of our little monsters will be up within minutes. "And if you wanna finish, we better make this fast."

He slips inside me, no condom as after Tristan was born I started taking the pill religiously. We're done with kids now - four is a good number, and if we had any more, we might have to go live on a farm. Even with this house, which is big in itself, in order to fit all of them we had to put Tessa and Tybie in a room together. They don't mind right now, but in the future we'll have some figuring out to do.

I moan to the rhythm of Jackson's thrusts, watching his concentrated face as it's inches from mine. He kisses my neck with an open mouth, slowing his hips to push deeper, more gracefully, and I wrap my legs around the back of his thighs.

"Come, baby," I whimper, gritting my teeth as he fills me. The sensation is something I've never gotten used to, and I don't want to. I love that every time still feels like the first time, though we've been having sex for more than a decade now - with a break in between, of course.

"Are you close?" he asks.

I nod desperately, lifting my hips to match him. I'm anxious to find my orgasm, because we've had more than our fair share of kids walking in and interrupting us in the past. Those awkward explanations are far from my favorite activity.

"Touch me," I beg, and he tucks his hand between our bodies and rubs insistent circles over my clit until I can't control myself anymore. With him still working at me, I writhe and lift my back from the mattress, tightening around him as he gets closer and closer.

"Fuck, you feel amazing," he says, pumping harder. With one final, powerful thrust, he comes and bucks against me, shooting off hot and steady.

"I love you," I whisper, clinging tight to his neck while he softens in my body. I press my face to the crook of his shoulder and leave wet, open-mouthed kisses in my wake.

"Mama!" I hear, right on cue. "Mama, mama, mama, ma! Mama!"

It's Tristan.

I lock eyes with my husband, who's smiling. "Want me to get him?" he asks.

"No," I say. "You know what he wants."

"Same thing I want," he says, dropping his lips to my chest and getting handsy.

"Don't be gross," I say, but can't help my grin. I climb out of bed, put on a different pair of pajamas, and cross the hall to the nursery. "Hi, sunshine," I say, and my baby smiles from where he stands in his crib. "Good morning."

I lift him out, change his diaper, and carry him into mine and Jackson's room. I sit on the bed and set the baby on Jackson's bare torso, but all he does is make his way back to me and tug gently on the collar of my shirt.

"Okay," I say, warning tone. "But we're gonna be done with this soon. You're getting too big for Mama, Tristy."

I hold him close and he nurses quietly, content with our morning routine. This only happens in the morning and at night now; I've been trying my best to break him. But it's hard, because if I don't let him nurse, he screams his head off and won't stop. He's stubborn, just like his parents. Weaning him has been harder than it was with any of my other kids - Jackson claims it's because he's the youngest and I'm softest with him.

Jackson kisses the back of his son's head, then me on the mouth.

"You're so beautiful," he says.

I smiled tiredly, running my fingers absentmindedly through my baby's curls. "Stop," I say.

"You stop," he says. "I mean it. You're beautiful."

I roll my eyes. "As I sit here nursing your baby, of course you think I'm beautiful," I say, eyes twinkling.

He kisses me again, slower this time. "I think you're beautiful all the time," he says. "And you know that. So, be quiet."

As he finishes, I flinch with pain as Tristan's eight teeth dig into my sensitive skin. "Ouch!" I say, and pull him off. I readjust my shirt and hold my breast, which still stings.

"Did he bite you?" Jackson asks.

"He didn't mean to," I say. "But we gotta be done soon. Or else, he's gonna bite my nipple right off one of these days."

"And that can't happen," Jackson says, playfully scolding our son.

"Mommy!"

I look towards the door to see Theo and Tybie coming inside, rubbing their eyes. Seeing the baby on the bed, Tybie jumps on and immediately hugs him.

"My baby!" she says, squishing his cheeks.

"Gentle," I say, and widen my arms for Theo. "Morning, teddy," I say.

"Hi, mama," he says, and sits next to me.

"Ty-Ty, where's Tess?" Jackson asks.

"Night-night," Tybie says, still playing with Tristan.

"Such a lazybones," Jackson says, and Theo laughs.

"Well, she better get up soon," I say. "Because we need to get ready to go to Daddy's game."

"Daddy game!" Tybie gasps. "See Daddy play football."

"Are we gonna sit in the box?" Theo asks.

"Of course," Jackson says. "Royalty, like always."

Theo helps Tybie get dressed, Jackson takes Tristan, and I sit on the edge of Tessa's bed as she's still dead to the world. Wearing the same Moana nightgown as always, her curls are a mess on the pillow, arms thrown to either side of her body.

"Wake up, pretty baby," I say, finger-combing her hair. "It's time to get ready."

She stirs, inhaling softly as her eyelashes flutter. "Mama…" she rasps.

"Hi, honey," I say, pressing a gentle kiss to her round cheek. "I'm right here. Wanna get up and I'll help you pick an outfit for today?"

She opens her eyes - sea glass like her siblings' - and smiles at me. "Carry me?" she asks, extending her arms.

I pick her up and rest her slight weight on my chest as we go to her closet and pick out clothes. By the time we're all dressed, everyone is wearing shades of navy blue, orange and white - Jackson's team's colors - and we're ready to go. He left before us so he could be with his team before the game started, so it's my job to get everyone loaded in the van and to the stadium.

When we get there, we're escorted into the box where we always sit. I'm thankful that we're allowed this privilege, because sitting with four young kids in the bleachers would be too much for me. This way, they're all contained and I know where they are at all times.

Tessa, of course, attacks the snacks immediately. Tybie stands with her little palms pressed to the glass, watching for her daddy. Theo lingers by where I sit in an armchair, holding Tristan on my lap while he plays with my necklace.

When the game starts, the box erupts in loud cheers as we all see Jackson come out.

"Look," I say excitedly, holding Tristan on my hip as we stand behind the other three kids who are plastered to the glass. "There he is!"

"Daddy! There Daddy!" Tybie shrieks, banging on the glass and leaving handprints behind.

"I want him to wave back!" Tessa says, waving both arms around crazily. "Did he sawl us, mommy?"

"I don't think he can see us," Theo says. "Only we can see him."

"But he knows where we are," I say. "And he might be able to. I'm not sure."

While I was pregnant with Tessa, Theo and I had gotten into the habit of coming to Jackson's games. Back then, it was easier. We sat in the bleachers and cheered for our favorite player, faces painted with Bears colors.

Almost as if reading my mind, Theo pipes up.

"I've been watching Daddy the longest," he says, taunting Tessa. Tybie looks up and listens, but doesn't catch her brother's snideness.

"Nuh-uh," Tessa says indignantly, crossing her arms and lifting her chin. "Me."

"That's not even possible," Theo says. "I'm six years older. Daddy knew me before you were even alive."

"He knowed me!" Tessa insists, stomping her foot. "Stop being mean!"

"I'm not being mean," Theo says. "I'm just telling the truth. Daddy's known me the longest time. And I've seen him play football the most."

"He doesn't like you best!" Tessa insists, fists bunched.

"Okay, you two," I say, sternly. "Enough. That's enough. Theo, stop taunting your sister. You're not being kind, and you know it. And Tessa, don't raise your voice. You know better."

She hurries over and buries her face in my stomach, clinging tight around my waist.

"You're okay," I say, using one hand to pat her back.

"He's bein' mean to me," she mumbles, voice muffled by my shirt.

I raise my eyes and give Theo a pointed look. "Apologize," I say.

"But mom," he says, shoulders slumping.

"Theo," I reply. "She's little. Apologize."

"Sorry, sissy," he says, and I thank him.

A while later after the excitement dies down, I sit in one armchair and Theo sits in the other. He sits alone, and I have both girls and the baby on my lap when it happens.

The announcer says, "Oh, #12, Jackson Avery, is down for the count!"

"Daddy?" Theo says, a worried look crossing his face.

I sit up straighter, although struggling a bit with both Tybie and Tristan heavily asleep. I look back at Jackson's manager, Carl, who's made his way inside our box.

"What happened?" I ask.

His phone rings just as I speak, and he answers. He talks in low tones for a couple minutes, then hangs up. "Looks like something happened with his knee," he says.

It's always his knee. When Jackson gets hurt, it's always something with his knee.

"Is it bad?" I ask.

"They're pulling him out," Carl says. "Taking him off on a stretcher."

"Oh, god," I say, nervous energy rising.

"Mama, what is it?" Theo asks, and Tessa turns to look at my face.

"Is Daddy hurted?" she asks.

"I have to go to him," I say, mostly to myself but a bit to Carl. "We have to… where is he?"

"Locker room," Carl says.

"Mom, I can go," Theo says, standing up with confidence. "Ty-Ty and Tristy are asleep, and it'll just scare Tessa if Dad's hurt. I can go see. I can do it, I promise. And I can tell him anything you want me to, and I won't be scared. I can do it."

I look at the face of this little boy, who I'm realizing is no longer my tiny, helpless baby. Instead, he's a young man who knows when I need help and is ready to take it upon himself to give it. He's grown up before my eyes. At age 10, he's already on his way to being a wonderful man.

"Can I, mom?" he asks, prompting me.

"Go with Carl," I say. "Ask Daddy if he's okay, and if he needs us. If he wants us all there, we'll make it work. Just make sure he's comfortable, and don't forget to tell him how much we love him."

He nods surely, taking his task very seriously.

"Carl, will you take Theo down to see Jackson?" I ask, turning my head.

"I wanna go!" Tessa insists, standing up from my lap.

"No, no, honey," I say, taking her hand and guiding her back. "You need to stay here with Mama and keep me company."

"Keep you safe?" she asks, eyes wide. "Like T goes to keep Daddy safe?"

"Exactly," I say, smoothing her hair and kissing her forehead. I watch Carl and Theo as they walk out, waving slightly and saying, "Call me when you know."

I keep Tessa busy while they're gone, and make sure my two little ones stay asleep. When I get the call from Carl, he says that Jackson is hurt pretty bad but in good spirits, and wants all of us with him.

Without help, I tell Tessa to stay right by my side as I hold the two babies in my arms, and we walk through back hallways to the locker room.

"Daddy?" Tessa calls, once we get close. She tips her head to look at me, eyes worried. "Does he hear me, mama?"

"Just a little bit further, babe," I say.

When we get to the locker room, I hear Jackson, Carl and Theo talking in hushed tones, and Tessa runs ahead.

"Daddy!" she shouts.

"I hear you, Tess," he replies, and I can't help but smile. As we get closer, Tybie wakes up and runs after her sister, but Tristan stays asleep.

I see Jackson lying on a mobile hospital bed, knee wrapped up and elevated. From what I can see, it's badly swollen, but he's wearing his usual smile and has Theo on the bed next to him, curled into his side.

"Hey," Jackson says, once I come in.

"What did you do?" I ask, leaning to kiss him before he can answer. When I pull away, Tessa and Tybie climb on the bed with him, too. "Careful of Daddy's knee," I tell them.

"Daddy boo-boo," Tybie says, and as gentle as she can, she leans to kiss the wrap around Jackson's leg.

"Thank you, baby," he says, ruffling her curls. "That helped."

"Daddy got hurted," Tessa says, holding his cheeks while looking back at me. "Mama can make it better."

"Doctor Mommy!" Tybie shrieks, remembering her favorite game we play at home when I'm still in my scrubs from the chiropractor's. "Mommy fix."

"We need a little bit of a different doctor," I say, but smile at my girls anyway. "But maybe I can help once they put Daddy back together." I look at him. "What happened?"

"Popped it out," he says.

"Aren't you in pain?" I ask. "How aren't you screaming right now?"

"I'm just that tough," he says, then winks. "Nah. They gave me something for it. I can't feel a damn thing."

I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose while closing my eyes. "You scared me," I say.

"Peach," he says, reaching out to take my hand. "I'm here. You got me. I'm all good."

I let out a long breath. "Okay," I say.

"Okay?" he asks, eyebrows up.

"Okay," I repeat, then bend to kiss him after sitting on the edge of the bed next to Tessa. Just as I do, Tristan opens his eyes and reaches for Jackson, which is something he never does when he first wakes up. I smile to myself, coming to the conclusion that it must be a baby sixth sense.

"Come here, baby boy," Jackson says, and holds Tristan close. "Hey, and now I'll get to be home more."

"Daddy stay home!" Tybie cheers, and everyone else joins in, too.

"We can play princess all day!" Tessa says, and Jackson rolls his eyes playfully.

"Big T here did a good job, coming to check on me," he says, tightening his arm around Theo. "He's gonna beat me out for man of the house pretty soon."

Theo grows bashful, fighting a smirk. He doesn't say anything, but I know he's grateful for the recognition.

"What do you say, you guys?" Jackson asks, and by his tone I can tell he's going to joke. "Should I go back out there and finish the game?"

"No!" everyone choruses, including me. Tristan giggles, claps and repeats the word in a shrill voice, too.

"Alright, alright," Jackson concedes, pulling his kids closer and taking my hand. "You got me. I'll stay here."

I catch his eye and smile, and he strokes my skin with his thumb. As I lean forward and kiss his stubbly cheek, I say, "Right here."