A/N:
Disclaimer Warning: If uncomfortable with the reading the ideas of Self Harm / Suicidal Thoughts / Attempts please do not read.
This takes place after Chapter 6.
Italics with '...' are thoughts
Cas was so sure he could do it this time.
Just one slice through his now fragile arm and that was it, one less mouth to feed, more ammo all around, one less useless pathetic nobody to care about.
'Just get it over with. Dean is out, he won't catch us this time'
'Come on. He needs rid of your burden. His patience won't last forever'
'End your miserable life, Castiel!'
'Do it, Castiel. It isn't hard. How many times have you used a blade before?'
'It's simple, one dagger plus one wrist equals your dead corpse'
'Would Dean mourn?'
Cas inhaled a shuddered breath, Dean. The man he loved and could never have. Dean's rejection was clear and now the former Angel had come to terms with it. He wasn't doing this because Dean had said no, he just felt he was the ultimate burden to bare, dragging Dean down and he wasn't stopping until one of them was dead, Cas deemed himself the superior candidate for Death as Dean was needed - not him.
Cas must had completely zoned out with the knife still resting against his skin as his next thought was shock after receiving an exceedingly furious punch to the face.
"Cas! What the Hell are you doing?" Dean yanked Cas to hit feet and shook him hard "I told you; never again!" The Winchester's grip tensed further, it reminded Cas of raising Dean from Perdition.
"Cas!" Dean shook Cas again causing his head to bump against the wall "Do not make me put you on Personal Lockdown" His voice low and threatening, one Cas hadn't heard in such a long time "Do I make myself clear?!"
Cas finally woke up from his daze and nodded.
"I need a verbal answer, Cas" Dean wasn't aware he had petrified his best friend.
"Yes, Dean"
Dean's vice grip was released, the air thick and musky from adrenaline, fear, panic unrequited love, it could have been speared by the blade Cas was ready to use.
Dean backed away without another word, swiping the blade and confiscating Cas' weapons. Dean couldn't trust Cas with any form of instrument that could impose Death.
Another week had passed, Cas didn't step out of his cabin for anyone or anything. He only listened to his voices and previous life as the Angel of Thursday and Jimmy Novak bawl him with thoughts of how he was useless, pathetic, worthless, something to be rid of, nothing worth saving.
Cas was depressed. He knew the emotion well now but lacked any effort to care.
Dean had informed Chuck of Cas' derailing, the two decided it was best to first leave him alone, carefully peaking in the windows every so often and keeping each other updated.
Chuck found it easy to leave Cas' 'door' alone but Dean was fighting himself daily just to see his blue-eyed best friend.
He knew that his reaction to Cas' attempt on his live was totally wrong but he'd rather silent treatment - knowing there was a body to see - instead of a burial. The Winchester had had enough of it all. Dean couldn't lose the last person he cared about.
Swallowing all emotions - especially rage, anger and hatred Dear jogged into Cas' living space. Only to have it completely empty, strange. Cas was usually in his 'living room' conducting the disgusting orgies he'd started at this time. Dean realised he could of walked in on something mentally scaring and shuddered hard.
"Cas?" Dean wandered around the Cabin, searching every room, closets, under the bed or behind any small area Cas could potentially fit in but nothing.
"Cas, where-" Dean voice stopped at the sign of paper jacked up against the wall by a piece of splintered wood.
Dean.
I'm doing this so I don't weigh you down any further than I have.
I wish the circumstances were different.
For now, goodbye.
-Former Angel of the Lord, Castiel.
Panic mode inserted its way into Dean's chest. "Chuck!"
"What? What's going on?" Chuck always jumped at Dean's louder voices.
"Cas is gone. He left a note, where would he go?"
"I don't..."
"Chuck!" Dean interrupted.
"Follow me," Chuck quickly led Dean to a break in the gates, it was cut with pliers, it was discrete and small enough for Cas to fit through.
"He'd go to the lake at the edge of the forest and just sit there for hours. No-one knows but me, I thought maybe he told you"
"No," Dean wasn't sure what the 'No' was for as he slipped through the fence and dashed off to find Cas.
It had taken him nearly ten minutes of pure sprinting just to find the trail to the lake. Dean called out Cas' name several times, his echoes would draw attention if he wasn't careful but Dean's priorities weren't in line.
Cas was sitting on the rock pier, his handgun lay heavy on his lap, hr knew she'd stared at it for at least six minutes now. He could hear Dean call his name but dismissed the idea of Dean actually being able to save him this time.
Cas stood himself up and just stared out at what remained of his Father's most beautiful creation destroyed but his Brother Lucifer, emptiness shoved it's way into Cas' entire body. once again he checked the gun and clicked off the safety like had had done hundreds of times beforehand. It lay heavy in his hands, he knew he shouldn't be doing this, Dean would be furious at him if he pulled this off, Cas knew this would distract Dean from ever finding the Colt and stopping Lucifer but the idea of self-importance vanished as quickly as it came back.
"Father, I know you're not there for me but just do something for me, be there for them, be there for Dean and make sure he doesn't do anything beyond reckless" Cas took in what was suppose to be his last breath, "Goodbye Dean"
"No!" Dean tackled Cas causing the gun to bounce off the rock and fire out a shot.
The two stilled as the uncomfortably lay intertwined in another. Dean's panting was the only indication of breathing
Cas shoved Dean off of him and stood up "Why do you keep saving me?"
Dean continued to catch his breathe, he glared up at Cas "Because that's my job"
"No," Cas argued back "no, you're job is to find the Colt and kill Lucifer. I'm just-"
"The only friend I have left. What is wrong with you? You think you can just throw your life out like that? You don't think you should or deserve to be saved?"
The air turned cold around them, Cas stared at Dean, gears were shifting in his mind of how to respond but he couldn't until he whispered "That was one of the first things you and I spoke about all those years ago"
"Yeah, that light show really did make one Hell of an entrance"
"I resided in Heaven back then,"
"Yeah, Cas. I know. So... do you?"
"Think I deserve to be saved? No"
"Cas-"
"Let me finish. I don't deserve to be saved because I am just hopeless being like this-"
"Shut up, Cas!" Dean ordered "Now listen to me, how many times did you stick your neck out for me and Sammy all those years ago? Too many and did we thank you? Barely. Cas, you saved me and people in those camp countless times and they didn't even know it. So, I think you should be entitled to just a little bit of saving and it's not up for debate either"
While talking Dean hadn't realised how close he had posted himself in front of Cas, he also didn't notice he had taken Cas' wrist, covering Cas' hand with his own.
Cas absorbed what Dean was saying "OK, fine. If our Fearless Leader thinks I should stick around then I will"
"Good," Dean pulled him in for a quick man-hug "now enough of this, Dean gestured around himself
"You feel down, come and find me. If I'm out, leave a note and I'll find you here. Also," Dean picked up the forgotten gun and emptied the clip, pocketing it "If I ever catch you pulling this kind of crap again I will personally escort your ass into Lockdown and not let either of us out until you snap out of it. Clear?"
"Understood Dean"
"Come on,"
While walking back Dean folded his arm of Cas' left shoulder and squeezed it tight, reminding him of the scar that he imprinted on the Winchester years ago.
They knew they were each other's guardian 'Angels' despite their Mortality.
Extra Note: I'm going to focus on Nightmares or Hallucinations next.
Maybe one each.
Please let me know what you would like to see.