It had been four years since Pain had kidnapped (or as he considered it 'adopted') Yahiko. Yahiko was still quite small, and everyone was at least twice his height (Kisame was three times his height). His life had been fun so far; he liked everyone in the Akatsuki, except Orochimaru, the creepy creep. All of them pretended they disliked him, except Konan, who had always wanted a child, but could not find anyone to fuck. But the truth was they all liked him, and showed their affections in different ways. Pain got him cake once a month, Kisame put on a shark show for him, Sasori put on a puppetry show for him (not with his actual puppets, that would give Orochimaru nightmares). Then it happened.

One day, a random man tried to stab Yahiko. It was one of Hanzo's 'buddies' aka slaves. The man swung his katana randomly and started chasing after Yahiko. Luckily Zetsu saw what was happening and ate the man while he was running. After the incident, all the Akatsuki unanimously agreed that Yahiko needed lessons.

They also decided that Yahiko was a stupid name, and he should be called something different.

"Dango." said Orochimaru. "Let's call him Dango."

"Bob." said Sasori, at which everyone looked at him. "What?" he said. "It is cool to say Bob."

"Money." said Kakuzu.

What the fuck are these idiots saying? though Konan.

"Maybe," said Zetsu. "We should call him what his parents named him. Naruto."

"Isn't Naruto a food?" asked Orochimaru's partner, who no one cares about.

He got ignored.

Naruto's training began the next day. First up was kenjutsu (sword stuff) with Kisame. Kisame picked up his sword Samehada, and said to Naruto. "This is a sword."

"No duh" commented Zetsu.

"Fuck off."

Kisame handed Naruto a long, thin, sword, which was twice his height.

"Kisame-sama, I think this is too big for me."

"No duh" commented Zetsu.

"Fuck off."

Kisame handed Naruto a shorter sword, and they began training. First, Kisame had Naruto swing the sword around in a circle for a half hour to improve his arm strength. After a bunch of stabbing Zetsu clone exercises, Kisame created a water clone, and said, "Naruto, fight this. Hit it once, and you win."

The water clone swung the fake Samehada at Naruto, who managed to duck just in time. He tried to stab the clone, but it blocked and kicked Naruto in the face. It slashed at Naruto in the air, who managed to block, then, he accidentally dropped his sword on the clone. The clone who did not expect that exploded in a spray of water. Kisame smiled (if you could call it that), and said, "Go see Sasori. He has a puppetry lesson for you."

Naruto proudly raced to see Sasori. Sasori was dying his floor red with the blood of White Zetsu clones.

"Hey, Satori niisan! What are you doing?"

"Hi Naruto. I'm doing a little interior decoration."

"Let's start the lesson."

"First things first. What do you know about puppets and puppeteers?" asked Sasori.

Naruto raised his hand.

Sasori sighed. "Naruto you don't need to raise your hand. You are the only student here."

"Oh! Okay, I know all the puppeteers come from the Hidden Sand, and you are the best."

"Correct!" smiled Sasori. "Now today, I will teach you how to make your own puppets. You must know how to this, because that is the only way your puppets will be personalized.

Naruto stuck a bunch of wood together, to make a shape that looked like a paper crane. He attached some wings to it, and stuck random swords and shuriken everywhere. He then stuck two kunai in the eyes.

"I call him…Tsuru!"

"Um… okay. Now battle my own invention, Tora."

Sasori attached strings to Tora, and sent it at Naruto. Naruto got tangled up in the strings, and Tsuru randomly spun, and sent kunai everywhere. Tora spat out shuriken that struck Tsuru in just the right areas, and the bird collapsed.

"Awwww!" said Naruto.

"Um… that was pretty good." said Sasori. "Now go along to Orochimaru for your ninjutsu training."

"But…Orochimaru is a creepy gay pervert." whined Naruto.

"I know, but he is the best at ninjutsu out of all of us."

Naruto slowly trudged along to Orochimaru's laboratory. On the wall, there were the hearts of random people, and Orochimaru was feeding someone's liver to his snakes.

"Ah, hello, Naruto-kun. Kukukukukukukukukuku…."

What the actual fuck is this guy? thought Naruto fearfully.

"NInjutsu is the strongest of the ninja arts, and it is none other than I, Orochimaru, the Snake Sage of the Sannin who will teach you. Kukukukukuku…."

Why does he end every sentence with Kukukukukuku? thought Naruto.

"First, we will practice chakra control, which is key to all techniques of ninjutsu. You will climb up that tree in the garden, using just your feet. You must maintain perfect constant chakra. Too much, and you will be rejected from the surface. To little, and you won't hang on. Kukukukukukukukuku…."

And so began Naruto's chakra control exercises. He spent about 45 minutes practicing the tree exercise, and finally completed it.

"Well done Naruto-kun." hissed Orochimaru, "Now, my snakes will pursue around this garden. Try and escape from them. Have fun! Kukukukukukukuku…"

Orochimaru left the garden and Naruto sighed in relief. His relief was however, short-lived. A large snake came out and hissed, "My name is Manda bitch, and I'm here to eat you."

"Fuck you Orochimaru!" screamed Naruto.