After a gruelling session of evading Orochimaru's goddamn snake, Naruto was ready to collapse. Luckily, lunch was next, and Naruto was hangry (angry because of a snake lover, and hungry because of the said snake lover's pet snake).

Naruto sat down at the long table reserved for members of the Akatsuki. Others came in, Kisame swinging his sword, Konan riding a really big paper crane, Orochimaru popping out of a snake's mouth, Sasori riding a puppet banana (why a banana? I don't know).

"Dinner is served." said White Zetsu, singing as he placed platters of food on the table.

"Um, White Zetsu, it's fucking lunch time, bitch! Stop embarrassing us!" screamed Black Zetsu.

"I like dango." said Kakuzu randomly. Then, he blushed when he realised everyone was looking at him.

Pain cleared his throat. "Let us beg-" He stopped when he noticed Sasori already eating.

Sasori looked up. "What?"

Pain shook his head, and finished his speech "There is a time for conversation, but it is not now. Tuck in!"

"Um, Pain" began Kisame. "You're not motherfucking Dumbledore."

Pain began crying "Harry Potter was so good! But then Dumbledore died!"

Why are these people so weird? thought Samehada to itself.

"Hey Pain!" screamed Naruto. "What is my next lesson?"

Pain glowered at Naruto. "History of the shinobi world. I'm the teacher."

"Let's go!"

"Before the creation of the shinobi villages, all clans were separate factions. Daimyos and lords hired clans to fight their enemies. Of these clans, two were the strongest. The Senju clan of the Forest, and the Uchiha Clan of the Mirror Wheel Eye. Whenever one lord hired one of those clans, the rival lord hired the other clan. There was great bloodshed between the two clans. But a friendship ended all of that. The two friends were Hashirama Senju, Shodai Hokage, and Uchiha Madara. …Their friendship led to an alliance between Senju and Uchiha, which led to the formation of the village hidden in the leaves, Konohagakure."

Pain said the word "Konohagakure" with distaste in his voice. But it was understandable. His life had been destroyed by a war waged by the Hidden Leaf. Of course, since Naruto was a kid, he didn't realise Pain's pain.

"Next class, you will have a quiz." said Pain.

Naruto's face fell, and he said "Fuck."

"Run along to Orochimaru. He will teach you taijutsu."

"Double fuck."

"Ah, Naruto-kun. Good to see you again. Kukukukukuku…"

Naruto just glared at him.

"Now, I will be teaching you taijutsu. Specifically, the Hebi style, also known as the Serpent style. Let me demonstrate. Zetsu clone, come at me, bitch. Kukukukukukuku…."

Zetsu clone 1 charged at Orochimaru from the front, Zetsu clone 2 came from the back, and Zetsu clone 3 charged from his right flank.

Orochimaru sort of wrapped his body around their weapons resulting in two clones to stab each other. Then, he took down the last clone with a quick kick to the face.

"The Hebi style involves snaking yourself around weapons and attacks, and with quick kicks and jabs. Kukukukukukukuku…"

Orochimaru corrected Naruto's stance, and Naruto shuddered at the snakefucker's touch. Eventually, he got the stance, and began practicing his punches and kicks as fast and as lethal as he could.

At the end of the lesson, Orochimaru set a Zetsu clone after Naruto. The clone came at him with a right handed hand chop. Naruto blocked, and kicked the clone in the balls. Immediately, he fell to the ground roaring in pain.

Orochimaru laughed, then dismissed Naruto for his lesson with Konan. Which was origami. Since she said, "A little boy shouldn't be exposed to so much violence, assholes! Origami will let him embrace his inner paper."

I'm not going to explain that lesson, so sorry if you wanted to learn to fold a paper crane.

Two years later…. at an Akatsuki meeting…

Pain cleared his throat "Attention fellow S-rank criminals! We are here to welcome a new member, and also have some good news. All the Uchiha clan have been slaughtered! Now Konoha is powerless!"

"But before we celebrate, let's introduce ourselves to our new member. Hi, I'm Pain, and I like causing pain."

"Hi, I'm Orochimaru, and I like experimenting on people. Kukukukukuku…"

"Hi, I'm Sasori, and I like dying the sand red with my enemy's blood."

"Hi, I'm Kakuzu, and I like money."

"Hi, I'm Kisame, and I like slice people to bits with my friend Samehada. Also I will be your new partner."

"Hi, I'm Konan, and I like origami."

"Hi, I'm Zetsu, and I like eating people."

Pain asked, "What's your name, kid?"

"Uchiha. Itachi."