At Akatsuki headquarters, there was an uproar at the fact that Naruto had wrecked Gato and friends, and at the same time had managed to move fast enough to constrain Maito Gai.

"Unbelievable!" screamed Konan. "How the fuck did you not faint at the sight of the caterpillars on his face!"

"How in the name of the boobs of Tsunade did you hurt Gato? He's fatter than an Akimichi! Shouldn't your attacks have bounced off him?!" yelled Pain.

"How did none of you notice that Naruto's not here?!" asked Sasori.

"He isn't?" asked Kisame as he looked around.

"What's going on?" asked Itachi, as he returned from the bathroom.

"Naruto's missing." replied Pain, worry clouding his face.

"Ah, Naruto. I was not expecting you here. Kukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukuku…" laughed Orochimaru.

Naruto was restrained to a bed, with a gag over his mouth. He had known Orochimaru was a no good snakefucker….wait. Perhaps Orochimaru wasn't a snakefucker as everyone thought he was. Perhaps, he was gay. That would make sense of all the perverted things he did, like washing himself in a male snake's saliva. Or maybe he wasn't gay. Maybe he was a girl, all this time. He hid it, otherwise he wouldn't be able to see men naked in the changing rooms. That would explain the long hair. Either way, he/she was going to do something to Naruto.

"You see Naruto, my goal is to learn all the jutsu in the world. But no man, even a sexy man like me can't live forever. However, there is one jutsu which can help me survive. The catch is that I need a body to survive. And luck you, I chose you, for your skills in pretty much everything. I'll have a strong young to live in. Kukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukukuku…"

That was when all hell broke fucking loose. A creepy human puppet rose out of the ground, and Orochimaru crapped his pants. Then, he nearly dodged a sword strike from Samehada. Then, he heard someone asking, "How much money do I get by killing him?", before a creepy black creature shot flames at him. Konan burst through the door with her angel wings of paper. Then, Itachi popped out of the ground, and kicked him in the testes.

Orochimaru fell to the ground whimpering in pain, gripping his balls. "H-How did you know where the testes where? Kukukukukukukukukuku…"

"I used my Sharingan. By the way everyone, he's a boy, except his penis is so small, the Byakugan would not be able to detect it."

Orochimaru hissed at Itachi.

Then, Pain popped into the room, and roared, "OROCHIMARU! YOU HURT MY FAMILY, NOW PAY THE PRICE! SHINRA TENSEI!"

Orochimaru went flying through the ceiling, and kept going, until all anyone could see was a glint.

"Now that that fucking snake bastard is gone, we need someone else to be your partner, Sasori." said Pain.

Zetsu cleared his throat. "I've found an S-rank nukenin from Iwagakure. He has the kekkei genkai of Blast Release. But from what I know, he wants to live alone."

"Perhaps we could persuade him." said Pain. "Itachi, Naruto, Kisame, Sasori. I want you four to go and get this nukenin."

"So this is the place." muttered Sasori.

"Let's enter!" said Kisame.

The foursome walked into the random old shrine, and saw a bunch of weird white things. Some were shaped like birds, and others like fish. There was even one spider. In the middle of all this was a blonde man with a badass ponytail thing (I don't know anything about hairstyles, so sorry if it isn't a ponytail).

"Who the fuck are you, yeah?" screamed the man.

Itachi nominated himself as the speaker. "We are from Akatsuki, and we want to recruit you because of your skills."

"Forget it. Deidara works alone, yeah!"

"Because you have no friends?" asked Itachi.

"Oooooooooooooooooooh roasted!" screamed Sasori as he kept reading Icha Icha.

Deidara turned bright red. "Why can't you guys just leave me alone? All I want to do is live by myself blowing up shit! Yeah!"

Itachi intervened. "How about this? You fight Naruto over here and win, we will leave you to be a loner. If Naruto wins, then you join Akatsuki?"

Deidara pondered the offer, and said "I'll fight him. He'll get wrecked! Yeah!"

Kisame said, "The rules are that however gets incapacitated first loses. Try not to kill each other."

"Let's go! Yeah!"

Itachi screamed at the top of his lungs, "MOTHERFUCKING BEGIN!"

Naruto and Deidara carefully studied each other. Despite Deidara pretending to be an idiot, he knew Naruto must have been powerful, if he was fighting him. Naruto knew that as Deidara was an S-rank nukenin, he was extremely powerful. Blast Release, huh. Naruto thought to himself.

Spending a few years with Itachi learning ninjutsu had also included being taught about different kekkei genkai. Naruto knew that Blast Release was created by combining Raiton (lightning techniques) and Doton (Earth Techniques). Luckily, Naruto knew Futon (wind style) and Raiton techniques that could help him counter Deidara's kekkei genkai.

The two stared at each other for a moment, then they both exploded into action. Deidara shot forth twenty explosive birds, screaming "ART IS A FUCKING EXPLOSION BITCHES!" as Naruto formed two shadow clones. They both went through a set of hand seals, and one doppleganger yelled "Futon: Daitoppa (Wind Style: Great Breakthrough)", sending the bombs back towards their owner. The other doppleganger formed a personalised version of the lightning armour, and charged at Deidara, who didn't move. The birds exploded, but Deidara was gone. Then all of a sudden, the nukenin popped out behind the real Naruto, and tried to stab him, only to see his kunai pass through Naruto. Genjutsu! realized Deidara. That was when Naruto body flickered in front of his fellow blonde, and kicked him. Deidara turned into clay, and Naruto realised he had made a mistake, as the real Deidara was somewhere else.

Now, a bunch of clay monster things charged at Naruto, and he was forced to battle them. He formed shadow clones, which charged at the monsters, and performed Bunshin Daibakuha (Doppleganger Explosion). The clay monsters were unaffected, and Naruto realised that they were not explosive. He ran Futon (Wind Style) chakra through his blade, and began chopping the monsters in half. He saw the real Deidara a few hundred meters away, and body flickered towards him. "You lose." said Naruto, as he put his blade to Deidara's neck.

"The fight is over." said Itachi. "You lost, so you must join Akatsuki."

"Fuck. Yeah!"

A few years later…

Iruka Umino called out the next team at Ninja Academy. "Uchiha Sasuke, Haruno Sakura, and Sarutobi Konohamaru. Your jonin instructor will be Hatake Kakashi!

For once, Kakashi was on time. He looked over his team. The last Uchiha, the stupid fangirl, and the Sarutobi clan's prodigy, who had graduated at 8.

Konohamaru was glad he had gotten such a powerful sensei. He would train hard and take revenge on the man who had killed his grandfather, Sandaime Hokage!

"That I swear, on the Will of Fire." said Konohamaru, as he looked up at the mountain with the Hokage's faces carved on it.

"Well", said Pain. "Happy twelfth birthday Naruto!"

Konan said, "We are going to be giving you your presents now. Here you go!"

Konan gave Naruto the Hiraishin scroll, and Pain gave him the Rasengan scroll. Kakuzu gave him Zabuza's head, and his sword, Kukuribouchou. Itachi handed Naruto a summoning scroll for crows, and Kisame gave him one for sharks. Sasori gave Naruto a puppet he had made himself, and Deidara gave him bombs he could explode by himself. Zetsu made fifty different types of ramen, which Naruto began devouring. Pain cleared his throat, and began telling a secret.

"Naruto. Twelve years ago, the Nine Tailed Demon Fox attacked the Village hidden in the motherfucking leaf. One man, the Yondaime Hokage asshole defeated the fox. But he didn't kill it like everyone thought. He sealed it away into a newborn child. That child was you. You are the jinchuriki of the Kyuubi. And the son of Konoha's Yellow Flash."