"So, now people, we will welcome new members to Akatsuki." yelled Pain.

"First up, Jiraiya of the motherfucking Sannin! Also, my and Konan's sensei."

"Hey, why is Konan the only girl in this group? I wanted more women who could join my harem."

"SHUT UP YOU FUCKING PERVERT! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A HAREM!"

As Jiraiya was propelled into the dining table, Tsunade walked in.

Jiraiya screamed (no one was sure if it was in pain, surprise, or the thought of marrying Tsunade). "Tsunade, you're here too?!"

Pain sighed. "You two…will be partners. But, first, Tsunade, please heal me."

After the healing and the long convoluted explanation…

"Our next member… is this fucking religious fanatic!"

"My name is Hidan, and my goal is to kill everyone and sacrifice them to Jashin the great god!"

Pain (the Nagato Uzumaki guy all healed and stuff) said "No, I'm god."

"Die!"

At that moment, TSunade bitch-slapped Hidan, and he got stuck in the wall, screaming about how much he loved pain.

Pain said, "You are in love with me?"

"No!"

"Anyway, our final new member is….. Uzumaki Naruto!"

"Really? Sweet!"

"YOu will be partners with Deidara. Sasori, you and Kakuzu will be partners. Hidan, you are alone, so you can kill people by yourself!"

"Yay!"

"Anyway, our goal is AKatsuki is to give the jinchurikki a better life. They are mistreated in their villages. We must save them!"

Hidan yelled, "Can I go on missions to kill people?"

"Uh… sure. You can go to Otogakure and massacre the pedophile and his friends."

"Team 7. You receive a C-rank mission to take this drunk, alcoholic, asshole back to his country and guard him while he makes some stupid bridge."

Sasuke scowled, as they set off from the village.

"Hey, hey." said Tazuna. "Why do I get a kid with a duck ass hairstyle and a pink banshee fangirl for bodyguards? The only guys who look tough are you, grandpa, and that midget over there."

Kakashi face-palmed. "Um…I'm only 25."

"Wow. The ninja world sure puts a lot of strain on its people."

Nothing much happened on Team 7's first C-rank mission. Konohamaru and Kakashi had a contest to see who could wreck more bandits. Kakashi clearly won. In the ambush, Sasuke tried to do a fireball, but he was so oblivious to everything else, that a random bandit hit him on the back of the head, and he was down for the count. Sakura hid somewhere behind a tree screaming for absolutely no reason, instead of protecting Tazuna. Tazuna sighed, and took down three bandits with an enormous hammer.

At the house, Inari, training to be a runner raced against Sasuke, and won by two hours. Sakura said Inari cheated, and then Konohamaru told her to shut the fuck up and that Sasuke wasn't so great. Sasuke tried to attack Konohamaru, but he tripped over a chair Konohamaru shoved at him. Kakashi sighed.

Back home at Konoha…

"Hey, my cute little students. I've nominated you for the chunin exams. Have fun!"

Kakashi ran away laughing manically. He could read Icha Icha! With full concentration!

The next day, Team 7 entered the chunin exam place. As the walked up the stairs (after even Sakura figured out the obvious genjutsu which Pakkun could break while skateboarding down Mt. Everest), a random bowl cut kid came up. It was Mini-Gai!

"I WOULD LIKE TO FIGHT AGAINST YOU KONOHAMARU SARUTOBI, TO TEST THE FLAMES OF MY YOUTH!"

"Hah, another weakling." smirked Sasuke.

"Yeah, Sasuke-kun could wreck you." said Sakura.

Sasuke charged at Lee, ready to use his Uchiha Intercepting Fist, even thought it was ineffective without the Sharingan.

With a quick blur, Lee had launched SAsuke to the other side of the room with one kick.

Then, he charged at Konohamaru, who flipped over the kick. Lee then attempted a punch, which Konohamaru sidestepped. Then, Konohamaru tried to spearhandd Lee, but Lee grabbed his arm and threw him towards the wall. Konohamaru flipped in midair, and landed on the wall, beginning to form some hand signs. Just then, they realised the time, and headed towards the examination room. Lee smiled. He had found a tough opponent!

Team 7 noticed the other teams around them. There was team 10 of Choji, Ino, and Shikamaru, led by Shizune. Then, there was team 9 of Hinata, Shino, and Kiba, led by Gekko Hayate. Finally, there was Neji, Lee, and Tenten. There were some other teams as well, including a team from Sand, with some weird redhead, a guy trying to be a cat, and a girl who looked like she was thinking of the best way to kill you. The team from Sound had a mummy, a smug looking goblin, and a smirking girl.

After the first exam…

Team 7 charged into the forest, with Konohamaru at the lead. They dodged through several animals, but then, as the ran into a clearing, something ambushed them. It was a girl, but Konohamaru knew who it really was. Orochimaru.

"Ah, it seems the Sarutobi prodigy knows my true identity. Kukukukukukukukuku…"

Konohamaru formed some quick hand seals. He shot a stream of fire into the air, which formed the word, "Orochimaru".

Orochimaru grimaced. The brat had just signalled to everyone. He needed to finish his work quickly.

From his office, Danzo, narrowed his eyes, then smashed through the window, like a boss.

Gai charged out over the treetops, and Jiraiya and Tsunade ran into the forest. The stupid snakefucker needed to be stopped.

Danzo snapped down next to Orochimaru, with Jiraiya and Tsunade popping up next. The last to come was Gai.

Jiraiya took charge. "Genin, leave."

As the three ninja left, Naruto popped in. Along with S-rank missing nin, Itachi Uchiha.

"'Sup Orochimaru."

"Ah, Naruto-kun. Kukukukukukukukukuku…"

Itachi stood next to Naruto, glaring at Danzo Shimura.

They all stood for a second, seven super ninja. Then, they charged.

Orochimaru formed some seals, and yelled, "Kuchiyose Edotensei (Impure World Summoning)!"

Three coffins rose out of the ground, and out came the first three Hokage.

Jiraiya yelled, "I know this technique. Destroy the heads, and then the souls will be released! I'll take sensei."

Tsunade charged at her grandfather, Hashirama Senju, and Gai screamed "MOST YOUTHFUL NIDAIME! I SHALL BE YOUR OPPONENT!"

Naruto charged at Orochimaru, while Danzo prepared for his fight against Itachi.

With the Shodai and Tsunade

Tsunade sighed. Even dead, her grandpa was a tough cookie (lol- that makes me sound like some creepy old guy). His punches were sending trees flying. But she wasn't a Sannin for nothing. She jumped out of the way as he attempted to stab her, the blade sailing past her neck. She grabbed his arm, and broke it at the elbow, then was sent back flying, as he stamped the ground. She cursed, as she saw the arm already rehealing.

Then, the first went on the offensive. He moved fast, body flickering around her, as she blocked his attacks. Then, he cut the tendons in her right arm, and it went limp. She retreated back a little, and quickly healed herself. Then, she yelled, "TSuchi bunshin no jutsu (Earth doppleganger technique)"

One clone punched him in the stomach, disrupting his nerve signals, and while he was disoriented, the other two grabbed him. She charged forwards as he used Mokuton to destroy the clones, and as he got free, she kicked his head off, and hit it with an exploding kunai in midair. One down.

With Nidaime and Gai

Gai was enjoying his battle with the Nidaime.

"Suiton: Suiryuudan no Jutsu (Water Style: Water Dragon)" A roaring dragon charged at Gai. He dodged, but it followed him, because of the Nidaime's excellent water manipulation. Finally, Gai let a tree take the impact. Then, the two ninja charged at each other. The Nidaime was fast, giving no time for Gai to counterattack. Gai ducked under a kick, than narrowly dodged a headbutt. Unfortunately, the old Hokage grabbed him, and tossed him at a tree. Then, he charged slicing through the tree with a sword. Gai sprang back, realising he needed to open the gates.

He roared and opened three of the eight inner gates. He was flooded with power, and kicked the Nidaime, who turned into a log. But Gai then hit the man with a vicious uppercut, sending him soaring into the air. As he jumped up, the man teleported behind Gai, and kicked him into a tree. The green beast nimbly pushed off a tree, and pulled of the Hiraishin tag on his back. This time, he was ready. As the Nidaime teleported, Gai grabbed his arm, and Forward Lotused him into the ground, shattering his back. Swiftly cutting of his head, it was kicked into the sun. Two down.

Author Rant

You know all that awesome medical ninjutsu? Like the nerve disrupting thing and Shizune's poison mist, or cutting tendons. How come SAkura, who is Tsunade's disciple, for fucking three years, doesn't learn that badass shit? I mean, that would have been fucking useful in the ninja war, or against the Akatsuki!