italic text = Personal thought
: Kunlun Mountain ::
Bai Qian drew a shaky, uneven breath as the tightness in her chest increased.
He knew about the affairs between her and his younger brother.
How much did he knew? How did that happened?
Did Ye Hua tell him?
There was a slight possibility that he might. Perhaps. But why? Without knowing she regained the memories from her previous incarnation, what advantages imparting that truth would give Ye Hua? It did not make any senses to her.
But if it is not him, then who?
Who else knew about her obscured past life? It can not be one of her family, nor the old Phoenix. She had never fully revealed the sufferings of Su Su's lifetime to him. Not even before she drank his Oblivion Potion.
The Goddess could feel the throbbing headache, fuelled by her furiously-working mind, renewed its vigor. She rubbed circles around her temples to soothe the pain.
But how were her secrets revealed?
Clearly she was missing something here. That would not do at all. She needed to know everything that had transpired when she was sleeping. Only then she could figure out the predicament she found herself in. She supposed she could ask Mo Yuan directly. But she would be ill-prepared to face the consequences, had her suspicions proven true.
Zhe Yan spoke of her eyes exchange so casually. The Goddess frowned. She would like to think that only Mo Yuan and the Phoenix knew about her past. But what if she was wrong and someone else knew? Her eyes snapped open; an idea suddenly occurred to her. If there was one person aware of all things going on in Kunlun Mountain, certainly it would be him.
Bai Qian dragged her feet and stumbled into the Cauldron room. She propped herself unceremoniously down on the nearest chair with her eyes closed; completely ignoring the other occupant of the room. She did not get to see how her sudden appearance unnerved him; not until the ladle in his hand slipped and hit the floor in a loud clunk. The Goddess visibly shuddered at the loud noise and let out a hapless groan. "Nggg.."
"Seventeenth! You .. you wake up." He stammered.
Bai Qian rubbed her eyes and eyebrows furiously; her discomfort plain in her pale face. "Not so loud, senior."
"Ah, you still have a hangover, I see." He was almost sympathetic with her pain. Almost. "Serves you right. You shouldn't have drunk so much," he scolded her. "Master had to feed you like three or four cups of sobering potion."
"Lay it off, senior." She shot back, her voice irritated. "If I have my way, I am still going to get myself drunk again."
"Seventeenth, why would you do that? You are just awake from your comatose state. You should be grateful you are still alive and well enough after your latest idiotic exploit." Chang Shan shook his head; almost exasperated with her devil-may-care attitude. She made all of them fret and worry over her for months!
"Tell me, senior, if you wake up from your oblivion and found out everyone suddenly gain an insight into your deep, dark secrets and most humiliated moments of your past life . Can you still be cheery and grateful?" She snarked at him.
"What … what nonsense are you talking about?" Although his face remained neutral, the dilated eyes and slight tremor in his voice gave him away.
Bingo.
"Don't be like that, you know what I am talking about, senior. How long do you honestly think Zhe Yan can keep any secrets from me?" The Goddess snorted derisively. "If anything, don't try to spare my feelings. You can stop pretending to be clueless. Seriously, I don't even care anymore. Who else don't know how far the Goddess has fallen,right?" She drawled on.
"Qing Qiu's Bai Qian was bullied and bested by a nobody Celestial. I must really become such a laughing stock to the whole world." Her weak chuckles were dark and full of bitterness.
"Seventeenth." Her second senior's hesitant and concerned eyes fell on her face.
"Don't look at me like that. I don't want your pity," she chided him. "And you wonder why I prefer to be inebriated."
If Chang Shan was wary of her pulling her specialty brand of bull-shitting over him again - he got a lot of those back in the days - he no longer was. True, their mentor had cautioned them not to reveal the confrontation to her just yet; this was different. Seventeenth had drank the water from Oblivion River. There is no way she could remember those details on her own; unless being told by someone. And considering how close she was with the elusive Phoenix God, it was quite plausible that he was her unwilling informant.
The second disciple of Kunlun completely dropped his guard down. He stepped closer to the chair she currently occupied and dropped down to his knees. "It is not pity, I ... we feel for you, Seventeenth. If anything, we were disappointed with ourselves. You are our youngest junior. You have done so much for Master and for us; we all but failed you. None of us was there for you in your desperate time."
"First senior is inconsolable. He was there the day the Crown Prince brought you up here. In his ignorance of your true identity, which of course no fault of his, he let you slipped past him unaware. He blamed himself the most, do you know? Saying had he stopped you that day, you wouldn't have suffered so much."
"He is being too hard on himself again," she blinked her long lashes in quick succession. "Truthfully, I don't think anyone can save me, I failed to save myself too."
"Please don't joke about this, Seventeenth," he murmured sadly.
"Hey, at least I got my eyes back. You have no idea how hard it was to live with that replacement eyes." Bai Qian said almost forlornly. "I forgot when I last watched a decent sun rise or fireworks."
"I still can't believe the Crown Prince is capable of such cruelty. We got him all wrong all this time. I mean, you were his wife, the mother of his child." Disapproval laden his voice. A latent fury burned behind his eyes at her obvious misery. "Then again, seeing how dishonourable the Sky Lord became, I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. Celestial's royal family are all disgraceful and hypocrite."
"That they are, senior. That they are. "Right down to every single one of them," she agreed. A self-depreciation smile on her lips. "I never like his 'I am all high and mighty Lord' attitude anyway. Who would have known he was destined to become the bane of my existence, huh?"
Her senior said gravely. "I am really glad your father and Emperor Dong Hua taught him a lesson. You should have seen it."
Her heart quickened with anticipation. What did they do to him?
"The Fox Emperor really lives up to his name. Your mother and brother too." Chang Shan continued to voice his admiration. "They really presented a formidable, united front against the family that day. Even your niece; she is so brazen, fearless just like you,."
Bai Qian immediately played along. "I am not surprised. The Emperor is always through with his punishment. If only I was awake, I would make him taste the same humiliation I suffered ten folds." She scowled, for real.
Chang Shan pat her shoulder gingerly. "Both the Sky Lord and Consort Su Jin have their very own version of punishment now. They can't bother you anymore, Seventeenth. Even the Crown Prince can't reach to you now; not with Master's decision to cut all ties between Kunlun Mountain and Celestial Clan."
The Goddess had to bit the inner cheek of her mouth to stop the gasp from coming out. He did whaaat!?
"Actually, between filling in on the Sky Lord's duties and fixing the vacuum of power left behind his abrupt departure, I am certain the Crown Prince will be tied to the Ninth Heaven until next century comes." Chang Shan snickered. "I don't want to think how will he salvage his relationship with Qing Qiu. Your son is his only saving grace now. If not for Prince Ali's sake, I bet your family will be actively out for his blood."
Under the cover of her long sleeve dress, the knuckles of her tightly-fisted hands turned white. "Father has his moment with temper," she responded half-heartedly.
"Temper?" The second senior choked. "He overwhelmed the Sky Lord in a fight despite being poisoned. Now, I know why Ninth was so taken with him."
Bai Qian forced as much teasing as she could muster into her tone. "How easily impressionable you have became."
Chang Shan chose to ignore her taunt. Just then he remembered what she said when she stumbled into the room.
"Celestials are busying themselves with the shift of power. They are also struggling to balance their forces; now that they no longer have the support from Kunlun Mountain. I doubt they will have anytime to pry into your life, Seventeenth." He tried to reassure her. "Just ignore the bunch of them and concentrate on getting better. All right?"
"That is quite optimistic of you, senior. Perhaps, we will see." She replied non-committal. "But seriously, what I would give to be there and see the retribution with my own eyes. Senior, you must describe to me how it played out step-by-step. The Phoenix was stinky with his details as usual," she faked a long, insufferable sigh.
After giving her a deadpanned look that almost read as: ' Of course, he had better things to do than satisfying your odd quirks.' Chang Shan fulfilled her request to the extent. In the end, Bai Qian got more truth out of her senior than she bargained for. She dismissed his outcry for her to take another cup of sobering potion, stumbled out of the room and fled to the solitude of her room.
The overloaded of information swarmed her head, making her even more befuddled than when she first woke up. The Goddess swayed dangerously with dizziness; she rested her back on the closed door and closed her eyes. She put together everything she learned so far, with little guesswork it was enough to figure out the rest on her own.
By some design of fate, Mo Yuan re-lived that life of hers. He knew every sordid detail that ever happened.
Was he bothered that she married his brother? That she bore another man's child?
Her thought drifted back to their recently shared kiss. How silly of her. Of course, he was not unaffected despite his usual impassiveness. His kiss proved it. He never kissed her like that; forceful as if he wanted to punish her. And she thought he was returning her affection with equal fervor. How laughable.
When he implied that 'it wouldn't be as easy for him to survive her supposed death'. Was he merely humoring her so not to hurt her feelings?His proposition for them to talk came as a surprise. Whether it was partly his way of probing into her head or simply because he really expected them to. But the fact remained; she had tainted their love.
Is it really possible for them to pick up where they left off?
The Goddess was drowning in despair. She needed an out; somewhere she could mourn her loss. She could not stay here; not without his celestial aura rebuffing against hers every now and then and reminded her how she had wronged him.
Bai Qian paused mid-stride and looked up at the towering building behind her. Indecision warred over her delicate feature.
Was she making a mistake by leaving?
But she needed this, desperately. She needed to be by herself and think.
Her mouth tightened grimly. "Forgive me," she whispered. "But I need to do this."
Before she had the chance to leave; a voice so achingly familiar stopped her. "Shouldn't you take a warmer cloth with you? Your body is still weak and not suitable for the cold during the travel."
Bai Qian did a total turn-around. Her eyes rounded when her gaze fell on the tall form stepping out of the shadow. "How did…?"
No sooner than she finished that thought, he reached her and dropped a warm, thick overcoat over her shoulders and proceeded to tie the strings at her neck.
The Goddess looked at him, aghast. "If you know I intend to leave, why didn't you say something earlier?"
"Would it made a difference?"
She gripped his hands tightly, stopping him from finishing his task. She sputtered. "Does it not bother you? That I am leaving?"
"Is that what you really think?" Mo Yuan asked in his deceptive soft voice.
For some reasons, his question rubbed something deep inside her the wrong way and she snapped. "Then you won't mind if I am going to look for him ? Or even go back to him ?" A tense moment of palpable silence hung between them. Bai Qian dropped his hands and took a step back; once she belatedly realized her outburst.
"Despite what you may believe, Bai Qian, this is not easy for me." He broke the silence first. "For all I know you might already regret this relationship we are having. How do I know you don't want to go back to your husband and child? I offer you a chance to talk but you prefer to run. What should I think?"
"So it is my fault now? Then why didn't you say something earlier. You were content to leave it be." She covered her eyes with the back of her hands and tried not to let out a strangled sob. "Do you even care, anymore? Or you will just accept it and send me back to him on a golden platter, if he asks?"
"My feeling for you, do you take it so lightly?"
His bluntness stopped her short. The Goddess lift her head up; really, truly looked at him. The pitch black eyes that gazed back at her drew her in; she was lost for words in their dark, stormy depth. The muffled sound of protest died in her throat. There was a hidden anguish flashing in those beautiful eyes she so loved; one that she had missed and did not know better to look for, so blinded by her own pain and heartaches. Bai Qian wanted to cry. For once, she forgot the bitterness that plagued her mind.
"Also you were wrong."
It seemed Mo Yuan had something more to say to her.
"The me from seventy thousands of years ago was in love with the idea of being with you. Yet he did not entirely submitted himself to your love and your passion. You may be right in that regard; he would give you up and let you be happy with your choice."
Bai Qian looked at him sharply.
"That option isn't available for me anymore."
The Goddess was half in awe and half disbelief. His off-hand admission of desperately wanting her, enough to go against her wish, floored her.
"Are you saying …. that you are willing to fight for me?"
Those words barely spilled out of her mouth and she realized the futility and absurdity of her own questioning. Suddenly, she was thrown back in time to the moment the two of them standing so close together and gazing into each other eyes just like this.
:: flashback ::
"At first, it was actually because of the Jade Purity Fan of Kunlun. It chose you as its master. I could not allow it to fall into an outsider's hands. So you became my disciple that day," he explained. "But it was also fate that brought you to me."
He gently lifted her chin up and sought her eyes with his, "Zhe Yan told me that you pierced your heart to feed me your blood for seventy thousands years. Is that true?"
She nodded and lowered her lashes, suddenly feeling very shy. "Master had shown such kindness to me. You even took on those Heavenly blazes for me. I think that it was totally worthwhile to offer blood from my heart to keep Master intact."
"These years you have suffered so much for me."
She shook her head lightly, "No hardship. I am glad I was able to do something for you. Even if I have to sacrifice my life for you, I will," she said.
He seemed pleased at her conviction. "Seventeenth, do you know why I worked unceasingly for seventy thousands years to repair my spirit?"
"I do," she touched his hand lightly.
"Zhe Yan said you would never disappoint those you care about. Back at Ruoshui River, Master told all the disciples of Kunlun Mountain that you would return. We knew that you will. You have worked so hard for us."
"I have never disappointed those I cared about…," he trailed off. "That is true."
"But I did it for the one I cared about the most. Do you understand what I am saying?" He gently coaxed her to look up at him. "Little seventeenth, it was all for you."
Bai Qian clutched his hand tightly in her own and looked deeply into his eyes. Her eyes misted at the finality of his confession, she felt inexplicably warmth at those words. A sweet smile broke across her face.
:: end of flashback ::
How did she forget that? Why did she ever doubt him?
For the first time since she found herself back in Kunlun Mountain again, Bai Qian felt a veil lift from her eyes, revealing crystal-clear clarity. She realized her distrust of his feelings, of his acceptance of her past mistake and their future together was never an issue. It was merely the excuses she used to justify her needs to flee.
Truth is she was too scared to find out what Su Su's love for Ye Hua meant for her (and him). She was fearful of his reception of her past life; a lifetime where she loved and devoted herself wholly to another man who was not him. She had allowed her own guilt, insecurities and shame of inadequacy to set a rift between them rather than confront her own demon. It was not him who was at fault here, but her. And she had hurt him with her thoughtlessness.
"I am sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
"No, you are not. You meant what you said." Mo Yuan said matter-of-factly.
Bai Qian fisted her hand into his clothing and clung to it like a lifeline; as if the connection would gave her strength to go had bared his most vulnerable thoughts to her. She owed him at least the truth. "I was scared and confused. I didn't really think." She offered it as some sort of explanation and apology for her unfair treatment toward him.
Her head bowed low to hide her distress. "I never want to leave your side. I just don't know what to do if you really wish to have nothing to do with me anymore. The thought of you letting me go, or being disappointed with my past suffocate me," she confided in him. "It is just easier to not be here and see it happen. I am sorry I am such a coward."
"You said once that despite not knowing your heart; you are already in love with me. If you still have your memories, tell me, Bai Qian, would be ever give your heart to another?"
Her whole body stilled; every muscle in her body was drawn tight.
"Would you?" he repeated.
Bai Qian shook her head furiously. Even after seventy thousand years, the longing for his presence still weighed heavily in her heart. That was why there was no one else for her; despite the loneliness she felt so keenly but denied to ever exist.
"Then your trial did not have to mean anything, if you do not want it to be."
He held her gaze, full of incredulity and doubt, with his.
A sigh. Then he drew her closer and guided her head to settle against the crook of his neck. "I was and am never disappointed in you, Seventeenth. There are times I might disagree with some decisions or oversights you made in my regard. But never disappointment."
"Your fear of rejection is understandable but misplaced. You said earlier you wouldn't stand a chance of survival had I die. No truer words has ever been said." He tightened the arm that encircled her waist. His voice became solemn. "Our hearts and souls are too entwined to be apart. How could I ever let you go now?"
"Your trial," If he felt her body tensed up against him, he ignored it. "is of the far past. A fated hindrance that you could not foresee or escape until it was done. All I see now is us, in the present. If you wish to sort out your feelings or find some semblance of closure; then go ahead. Make peace with the ghost of your past. Then come back to me, so that we will never have to look back at it again."
"Even if it means I will be seeing Ye Hua?" She asked in a small voice.
"Especially that." He sighed again. "You can not avoid him forever, Seventeenth. He is still the father of your child. Like it or not, there will always be a connection between the two of you."
"I am not really going to see him. Honestly, I would rather not to." Bai Qian wrinkled her nose. "It won't be wise. Who knows, I might end up maiming him."
"No cripples, please. It would look bad if the new Sky Lord lost a limb or two before his coronation." He said drily.
"I am serious." She slapped her hand against his chest. "If I had my way, I will make him suffer a fate worse than death!"
"Seventeenth, what Ye Hua did to you is inexcusable. But he already paid the price and has his own pain and sufferings to endure. Certainly, you knew that. Perhaps if you give him a chance to explain himself; you would find that answer which you seek."
Bai Qian was then reminded how she was robbed of her righteous justice. She raised her head and locked her eyes with him. "Why did you do it?"
When she saw his quirking eyebrow, she quickly clarified. "I knew what you and my family have done. The only thing I didn't get is why going to such great length? Surely, there are other ways to properly get back at him. Them."
"Honestly? It was not just for you or about you." Mo Yuan gave her a wry smile.
"Hao De becomes too enamored with power. He always sought to defeat and conquer other clans, then added them and their territories to his seat of power. The prestige and leverages he got blind-sighted him to trails of dead bodies left by his greed. Before long, dissenters will rise. When they united and rebelled against him, it will be an all-out war."
Bai Qian gaped and looked at him in askance.
"It is my wish to retreat from the affairs of the Immortal world and live the rest of my days with you." Mo Yuan explained. "For that, a new reign of peace and some changes for the better must happen. Dong Hua had suggested once before to remove Hao De and his power-base but I resisted the idea. I wish to maintain the status quo until Ye Hua is equipped enough to reign all aspects in his hands."
"So, you robbed my chance of vengeance and use it to further your scheming. Unbelievable." She complained, loudly.
"Your father fought for your honor; as his every right to do so. Those who wronged you were exposed of their crimes and punished accordingly. You gained your eyesight back. I believe it is fair enough."
However the Goddess kind of disagree and sulked in silence.
Despite her great reluctance to leave - now that she made things right between them again - Mo Yuan accompanied her down to the lower gate of Kunlun Mountain.
"I still can't believe you made me leave," she grouched.
"You were leaving on your own before that," He pointed out drily.
She pulled at their entwined hands. "That is different and I changed my mind."
It was time like this she reminded him of young Ali. "Seventeenth."
Heaven forbid, she hated it when he slanted his eyes and looked at her like that. "I know. I promise to listen to him." Just a little and very reluctantly. She added the last part in the silence of her mind.
"If nothing else, consider you are doing it for Ali." He suggested another incentive that may strengthen her resolve to see the meeting through to its end.
The Goddess's head snapped up, startled. "You have met him? Already?"
"Ye Hua allowed him to spend time here at his insistence to see you. The Ninth Heaven must not a very favorable place for him right now. Your parents also demanded him to stay over with them for the next three months."
"Do not worry. He is a delightful child, full of spirit and curiosity. Not much different from you when you were still young, I guess." He said fondly.
"So you do like him. Is it .. not weird?" She pried tentatively.
"Well, he is your son and my nephew."
"Which is a weird combination, considering." She bit her lips, worried.
Mo Yuan did not even bat his eyelashes. "Weird is but a relative term."
"You are taking this easier than I do," she grumbled; envious that he was seemingly very accepting of the tumultuous times they were going through.
"Does it make that much differences knowing he is of your blood?"
Bai Qian paused and pondered his question carefully; then shrugged. "No, I guess not. I am very fond of him from the first moment we met. It is just...this is awkward?" She revealed her troubled sentiment. "I have no inkling how to deal with him."
"There is no rush, Seventeenth. You have all the time you want to figure it out."
The Goddess hummed and acquiesced to his wisdom, albeit dubiously.
"This is where we part." Mo Yuan touched the side of her head, encourage her to go on.
Bai Qian bit her lips and clung to his front. "What really happened at the Roushui River? Zhe Yan hinted something but he won't say. He said I should ask you instead."
"That story will have to wait." The Master of Kunlun stiffened almost imperceptibly. Had Bai Qian paid close attention to him, rather than dwelling on her reluctance to see Ye Hua, she would have picked up on it. "But he said …."
"You are stalling, Seventeenth. This is unlike you." Mo Yuan chided her. "Where is your usual determination? Are you that scared to face him?"
"But you have talked to him, don't you? No, I know you definitely did. You could just tell me whatever you learned right now."
"This is something you have to do on your own." He insisted. "The sooner you deal with it, the quicker you can put all behind you."
Bai Qian huffed. "Fine. I will see him." She agreed but not without letting her displeasure be known.. "Don't blame me when I damage your brother. Because I would say 'I told you so'."
Mo Yuan gave her an enigmatic smile as if he knew that would never happened. It was rather unnerving to the Goddess that he always knew things about her even before she realizing it by herself. Nevertheless, that was one smile she could not resist.
The Goddess leaned on his chest and kissed him full on the lips. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. A promise of much more to come. The world fell away and there were just the two of them. His hand rested just below her sensitive ear; his thumb caressing her soft cheek as their breaths mingled. She ran her fingers down his spine, pulling him closer until there was no space left between them and she could feel the beating of his heart against her chest.
She pulled apart not really wanting to let go as he lean in a little closer; their foreheads touching. "Wait for me," she asked breathlessly.
"Always."
Note : As usual, my thanks to Noitratoxin, loreinacadis0412 and my other lovely reviewers for sharing your opinion/comment to me. It's always fun to read your feedback. ╭( ･ㅂ･)و ̑̑ ＂
PS. To my new reader from Denmark, did you really binge read the whole story over night (/day)? Wow. I noticed you by chance, since the stat reset at the beginning of each month. Aaanyway, hope you find the story enjoyable so far. :)