After leaving Kunlun Mountain, Bai Qian did not immediately set to seek Ye Hua out. She did not feel like stepping into the Nine Heaven; so she wandered off aimlessly for a while then decided to visit the Mortal Realms. She descended to the Far East where she and her sixteenth senior usually frequented all those years.
Lost in her thoughts, her feet slowly took her from busiest streets of Laoyang into the suburb. The more she walked, the less human she encountered along the way. Before she knew, the Goddess found herself somewhere in a mountainous area. She squinted her eyes looking for clues of her current whereabout. It seemed she lost her way again; not that it was anything new to her. She should really bring Mi Gu's stick with her. The Goddess pondered shifting into her animal form to spend the night out in the wild, only to decide against it. The risk of running into hunters was too high.
As she was about to turn around and find a semblance of shelter for the night, something caught her eyes. A lone swing, big enough for two adults, nestled among the bough of trees just ahead of her. The Goddess stood rooted to the spot. Flashes of old memories came to her, her heart began to pound furiously.
She started off with a quick pace that turned into a run. A quick turn to the left around a small roadside shrine, another turn at the end of the path leading her from thick trees into yet another clearing. She stood there for the longest time, looking at the small, wooden hut at the end of the path. Her eyes widened in recognition. A hesitant step forward, then two. She walked toward the familiar hut as if hypnotized. Her fingers dragged across the square-wooden table situated next to the steps leading into the hut.
With each sweep of her hand, she remembered the beginning of her mortal life. She had found this abandoned hut by chance after waking up on a small, beaten path that seen better days.
:: Flashback ::
The amnesiac female trudged along, her stiff legs throbbed in protest for the lengthy distance she had covered. Earlier that day, she had woken up with a blank state of mind and empty hand; not knowing who she was and what was she doing there in the middle of nowhere. She had been walking and walking and walking all over the place, hoping to find someone. Anyone. Her stomach continued to growl viciously. The day was almost over and she had yet to meet any human settlements in sight.
She jumped in fright when the sky rumbled with thunder. Her gaze observed the dark cloud rushing in her direction. Her footsteps quickened. Her eyes frantically sought out for a place she could huddle in, a hollow in the tree, anything to escape the angry rain that was coming. Her thin, tattered cloth would not offer much protection against the chill. It seemed luck was still on her side. She came upon a failing, barely stand hut. It stood slightly off-track, from where she stopped earlier. Since no one seemed to occupy it; she made it her temporarily shelter.
At first, she planned to leave and sought a more suitable lodge to live in. Who knew what perilous encounters would find a lone female living in the forest. Yet, as if fate was against her idea. On the same day she decided to leave, she had a horrible run-in with forest scavengers. Those three men she met and asked for directions to the nearest town openly leered at her bare calves and made a lot of rude suggestions.
She started backing off when they began discussing among themselves about their lucky find. One with bushy eyebrows almost unclothed her with his hungry eyes as he convinced the others to save the troubles and just enjoy their prize right then. Despite her inexperience in the world of men; foreboding feelings crept up her spine and her instinct took over.
She remembered being chased all through the woods then stumbled over a tree root. Her hard collision with the ground knocked the air out of her and bruised her side. She could only laid there in heap and gasped in pain. With her now sprain ankle; she could not even get back up. It took less than a blink of an eye for them to catch up with her. She saw lust and ill-intent as clear as day in those ravenous eyes as they came closer and loomed over her prone form.
Now they were arguing among themselves. The bulkier one who started the chase backhanded one of his companion, the shorter one with crooked teeth, and trashed him to the ground. The other one with shifty eyes was a true coward. He backed off and immediately bowed out of the challenge. Her would-be offender threw his wooden basket filled of games and his bow and stacks of arrows to them. They scurried and made themselves scarce, leaving the hapless female to deal with the amorous man. They chance would come later, they knew.
The Bushy Eyebrows made a grab at her injured ankle and immobilized her movement with his strength. She whimpered in pain and protested. Her offender began to rid himself of the knives he carried on his person. She was scared witless when he untied the sash around his waist and the string of his legging. Even with her face turned to the side, she could see from the corner of her eyes pieces of clothes being tossed to the ground.
Her body shook like a leaf when he crouched down next to her and pulled her by her injured ankle toward him. He loomed over her; his rough hands tore her tattered robe to pieces and push her thighs apart. She squeezed her eye tightly shut and struggled to get away with renewed vigor. Nothing worked; he barely budged. Then she heard screams; screams that should belong to hers, yet not.
Her saving grace came in the form of roaring voices and trembling ground. The frightening howls, akin to that of a mindless beast, became louder and more maddening. The earth shook at every steps it took. Something large, heavy and dangerous was definitely going to be upon them very soon. Faster than any of them could finish that thought; a fire-billowing, lion-like creature stomped its way in and towered over them. Thick saliva dripped from his lolling tongue. The unclad man's scream barely left his throat; the beast's glistening fangs already found its mark. A fountain of blood sprayed from his pierced neck, followed by sickening munching sounds.
When the rest of the men finally caught on with the slaughter that was happening; they did not bother with her anymore. Weapons and games were left forgotten on the ground as the duo ran for their lives. When the creature bared its mouth, full of sharp teeth at her; she knew the real end had come. She huddled herself into a tight ball, her head buried between her knees and chest. There was no escape from this harbinger of the death.
She failed to see how the beast flinched from the golden ray of light that came out of nowhere. When the pain never came and the sound of footsteps hitting the ground got farther away; she stretched her back and crane her neck to look around. There was no living beings there, save for her. She warily glanced around again before deeming it was safe enough for her to move away. As she struggled to regain her footing; she stepped on something hard and almost tumbled down again. It was a white fan with jade laden on both sides. She bend down and gingerly picked it up and flipped it open. Curious, her fingers traced the unfolded fan before pocketing it into her robe. The almost crystal-white jade ornament was invaluable; she knew that much. Perhaps, she could pawn it off and earn herself decent meals and nights at some inns. Now she had to figure out how to drag the discarded games and weapons back to her shelter.
Ever since that day the beast did not return, not even once. She no longer had bouts of unsavory encounter with other mountain inhabitants. Everything was quiet as if the whole population of the mountain suddenly vanished. When her bruises were healed and she could walk around again without using a cane stick; she had abandoned her idea of seeking a new home. If those crude men were any indication; the world outside might be a place to be wary of far more than she first suspected. At least here, in this forsaken forest, she would not be disturbed and left relatively in peace.
:: End of flashback ::
:: Mount Junji ::
The Goddess padded around the small hut and relived her days as a mortal with crystal clarity; a cursory courtesy of the broken Soul Lamp and her never-ending dreamscape. Her eyelids dropped halfway as she inhaled the familiar fragrance of the old house. Touching the wooden shelves and sitting at the table made her distant past became more solid, real and touchable than ever.
For over two human years, she lived her life here. Alone, save for occasional strays she picked up: a fallen little bird here, a trapped rabbit there. A few times she found a wounded game that escaped the hunters' arrows and sought refuge in her forbidden mountain. All it took to bring her cursed life to full circle was a black serpent-shape creature.
At first, the Goddess suspected Su Su suffered head injuries while being tossed off heaven and down to Mortal Realms. A lone man, bloody and injured suddenly appeared in the midst of deserted forest and stumbled into the only house someone actually lived. If that in itself was not suspicious already; his reluctance to leave after being healed should made her stopped and took notice. But no; what did she do? She let him stay.
What about the mysterious voice at the back of her mind that whispered 'he will never hurt her'? Or how surreal she developed a strange rapport with him in no time? After her unfortunate encounter with males with questionable actions, it should be impossible. Instead of being averse of his presence, she welcomed him wholeheartedly.
The Goddess decided, she was a hapless victim of circumstances-predestined. There was simply no other explanations for all those dubious decisions she made in that lifetime.
When he offered his body and himself to repay her kindness; she just accepted it without questions, again. It appalled the Goddess that Su Su failed to see through his proposal. It was obviously 'not normal'. Whom in their right mind was willing to wed an acquaintance who was always tight-lipped about his shrouded past? It was clear as days that he had something to hide. His secrets were indeed devastating and life-threatening, as she came to realize and experience them in person later on.
The Goddess snorted. Things kept getting better and better from there. Thanks to her obliviousness, or divine-predestined in this case, she never questioned his intention when he disappeared for years only to come back one day. She acted as if nothing had changed. Unbelievable! How had she not realize the severity of her abandonment; the first of many more to come. The accounts of her foolishness only kept piling up as years gone by. It should have come as no surprise that her ridiculously blind faith in him led her to the ultimatum.
Circumstances-predestined indeed. The Goddess wondered had she not hit the bottom line, would she wise up after all?
:: Nine Heaven ::
Ye Hua felt it the moment the barrier protecting his dwelling in the Mortal Realm was breached. Whoever trespassed must be exceptionally strong in spiritual power to pass through his intricately-woven shield unhindered.
The Crown Prince put down his quilt and stood up abruptly. "I have urgent matters to attend to. Leave the rest of the documents here, I will take a look at them later." He passed the finished parchments to Jia Yun and made a grab for his outer robe.
Ye Hua immediately halted his personal guard, Tian Shu, from following him. "Stay here, I will only drop by real quick to check up on the hut. If I failed to come back after the incense stick burned over, you can come look for me then." Then he swooped past the guard; his dark robes billowing.
Tian Shu could only bowed down to his order and let the Crown Prince leaved unattended. He turned around and quirked his brow at the other side-aide and got a clueless shrug for an answer. The suddenly jobless bodyguard sighed and went back to sorting the stacks of unread documents.
:: Mount Junji ::
Ye Hua could not believe his own eyes when he came upon an illusion of Qian Qian sitting in their family hut. His thoughts raced at an alarmingly speed. Had his own subconsciousness tricked him yet again? It would not be the first time. He saw figments of his own imagination welcomed him into their home often enough. How many times he ran to catch her, only to grab at the thin air?
However an apparition could never fake an immortal essence; much less one so refine and ancient like hers. But if this was really Qian Qian, what was she doing here? And how did she know to find this place? The barrier he renewed after Ali's accident not only hide the whole vicinity from sights but was also imbued with compelling spells. Anyone approaching the hut would feel a strong urge to turn around and steer away. It was nearly impossible to find this place; unless he or she already knew the hut was here.
Ye Hua swallowed thickly at the implication of what her presence here could be. Did it mean she remember her past and their life together? Perhaps, she came back for him? He felt his ruined hope soaring again. He closed up the distance between them, slowly, cautiously, one silent footstep after the next; until she was an arm length away from him.
"Qian Qian," he whispered with all of his pent-up longing for her. His arms secured tightly around her shoulders. Her reaction was instantaneous but not one he was hoping for. Her shoulders tensed up; before he knew he skidded and backed a good distance from where he stood before.
Bai Qian stared at his kicked expression non-pulsed and refused to say anything. She promised Mo Yuan she would at the least listen to what his brother may have to say to her. She did not promise to be civil.
"Qian Qian." His eyes and voice pleaded with her frozen demeanors; the condemnation so blatantly clear in her eyes confirmed his suspicion. "You remembered. You really remembered." He both hoped and feared this very moment. It could bring them back together or severe whatever remaining ties they had once and for all.
"I am sorry, I am so sorry, Qian Qian. I knew nothing could ever justified all the wrongs I have done to you. I was foolish. I failed to realize my struggles to keep you by my side only jeopardized our love and irrevocably pushed you away. I hurt you when I never ever meant to."
His sorrowful eyes tried to capture and hold hers. "I thought I won the day I secured our imperial wedding and your position as my legitimate consort; truth is I lost everything I ever had with you."
It seemed as if he was talking to a stone wall, save for flickers of light from her eyes, all he heard was his own voice.
"Are you punishing me with your silence? Please say something, Qian Qian. Scream, hurl your insults at me. Hit me, anything." He reached his hand out for her again but she merely-sidestepped. Her distrustful stare was like a blunt dagger stabbing into his chest.
He decided to change the tactics, perhaps reminding her of their better time together may soften her enough to open up to him.
"Remember, we were so happy together. You really enjoyed my cooking and liked to pose for me to draw. Then there was our evening stroll in the fields of blooming flowers. You barely can wait to go back there. We could have that again, Qian Qian. You like to spend time at the PeachTree Groove, do you not? We could visit there as often as we want."
"Give me a chance to prove myself to you again. I know I am asking too much from you but please. I promise to spend the rest of my life making up to you." He pleaded with her. "If not for us, then think about our son. He needs you. Six hundred years without you is hard enough for him. You have no idea how much he made a fuss for his mother when he was a toddler."
"Come back to us, Qian Qian. Let us be a family again"
Bai Qian looked upon the one-time love of her life. After all that came to pass; he was still so confident that they could be reconnected again. Did he even bother to ask for her opinion? No. This was not about her but what he wanted. If there was one thing Bai Qian detested the most; it was people who tried to manipulate her, to bend her to their bidding. For him to use her own son against her was just too much. Then again she should not be surprised, he had sent Ali to her Fox Den for that very same purpose in mind.
How her mortal counterpart ever believed the sincerity of this man? What did Su Su ever see in him? Yes, he was handsome, good-looking and charming when he wanted to be. But so was her Mo Yuan. They wore the same face after all. Bai Qian could never called that facial feature otherwise. Appearance aside, they were different as nights and days. Mo Yuan, under all his feigned indifference, was genuinely kind and caring. He always thought of others and put them before himself. That was what made all those close to him willing to help and support him in whatever he decided, even at the cost of their own life. He inspired admiration, loyalty and dedication into everyone he met.
A thought then occurred to her. The Goddess began to study his profile seriously. What if she was wrong? What if it was not only the divine-predestined that guided her actions? From her first life, Bai Qian was secretly and deeply in love with her mentor. Why else she was willing to sacrifice everything for him without any regards for her own? During her time in Kunlun Mountain, she got to see this very same face for twenty thousand of years. And hundred thousands more while he rested in Yanhua Cave.
Who could confirm that an amnesiac person really forgot everything they experienced? Names, places and past occurrences can be forgotten. What about deep-seated feelings and emotion?Subconsciousness was a powerful drive. What if Su Su associated Ye Hua's presence with the one her head had forgotten but never her heart? If her subconsciousness recognized Ye Hua as her beloved mentor, would she not placed her absolute trust in him and followed him without questions? Would she not sacrifice yet again anything to be by his side?
Bai Qian already knew the answer. It was as simple as that; she was so blind to never realize the truth until now.
Her unwavering heated gaze unnerved him. Ye Hua found he could not figure out the meanings in its hidden depth. When her lips twisted into a mirthless smile; his heart sunk.
"You really never change, do you?" She said at long last. "All these years, you still have no ideas where you went wrong. Mo Yuan was right. Again, when he was not? The answer that I sought is in front of me the whole time yet I failed to see it until now."
"I am not your Su Su," she announced proudly; her eyes bright with resolute acceptance. Without her vast memories and experiences as an immortal, her hard-earned lessons of life and regret and her absolute commitment to Mo Yuan, she and Su Su were different person. Despite them sharing certain temperament and instinctual habits; their rational thinking differed, thus their choices in life.
Bai Qian would never choose the same paths Su Su did. She was too proud and practical to lay down and simply accept what others planned for her. Therefore there should never be a beginning between Ye Hua and her, had she had her memories. The only thing that drew her to him, like a moth to the flame, was her lingering affection for another who share his appearances. Their meeting was an unfortunate accident spurred by her heavenly trial; nothing more, nothing less.
"You also assume much to think that Su Su still love you after all that happened. Let me tell you one thing, Ye Hua. The reason she left is not because she hated you." Bai Qian waited until that sentence registered in his mind before she finished the rest. "She left because she no longer felt anything for you. Be love or hatred."
When his face lost its parlor and he stumbled back from the blow of her merciless words, she watched on with morbid satisfaction.
"In the beginning, she was perturbed because you never trusted her enough to explain your reasons for treating her like that. But she always placed her faith in you, did you know that? Almost until the end. However blind and utterly foolish that was." There was a hint of wistfulness in Bai Qian's voice.
"Her steadfast resolve was shaken and tested every time you ignored her silent pleas to listen to her. If her voice never truly reached you; what was that said about her love for you? Did she even matter in your eyes anymore?" She continued, almost disinterested.
"It is so sad, really. How she grieved for her loving husband who became a total stranger. You became someone she could touch but never reach. In the end, she was tired of those nasty feelings that ate her up and left her empty and raw. Is it such a surprise that she chose to let go?"
Su Su's decision to completely let go of him was what fulfilled her heavenly trials. The killing energy of Zhexian Terrace merely paved the way and made it possible for her transition. If her mortal counterpart did it, Bai Qian could do it as well. She refused to let skeletons of the past to interfere with the life she had yearned for half of her lifetime.
"You do not really mean that, Qian Qian," his voice shook. "You said that because you merely want to hurt me back. How could you not love me? Our love is meant to be; it is fated! Why else did we meet in Kunlun Mountain then here and again in the Eastern Sea? You are always meant for me."
Bai Qian looked at him with pity. "She did not love you, not at the beginning. Only after months of living together as husband and wife, she began to fall in love with you."
"That can not be true. You allowed me into your heart and your home. Why would you do that unless it was for love? You are too cruel, Qian Qian." When Bai Qian did not outright refute his claim, Ye Hua thought he finally reached out to her.
With or without her memories, Bai Qian knew her true-self yearned for Mo Yuan alone, as she always did for over seventy thousand years. No spells, no curses would ever take away that deeply engraved affection she had for him.
"You wore his face," she whispered barely loud enough to be heard but he heard it along with the hidden meaning loud and clear. After all, he also found Su Su's ghost in her.
"Please, say no more." Ye Hea's broken voice pleaded. Her honesty was too brutal. She was hinting their relationship was a mistake from the very beginning because he was the wrong person.
"It is the truth that you have to learn to live with. A wise man once told me: 'There was no greater shame than deluding yourself into false beliefs. It is a sign of weakness.'
"And that wise man is Mo Yuan?" he laughed bitterly, his voice hoarse. "Were you ever mine, Qian Qian?"
The Goddess met his eyes, her lips pressed grimly. "Cherish the good memories you and Su Su once have together, Ye Hua. Because that is all you will ever have of me."
"For you, it has always been him, is not it?"
It was more of a statement; rather than a question. Bai Qian did not bother to confirm or deny it. Not when both of them recognized it for what it stood.
"Even if you claim to love another, I refuse to believe that you felt nothing for me, Qian Qian. I know you did. I can taste your love in every kiss we share; every time we make love."
The Goddess could see he was grasping at the last straw. "Let the past lies in the past Ye Hua, only then you could move on with your life."
"What if I do not want to? How can I forget our life together, you are my wife, the mother of my child! You mean everything to me."
"Then you live a futile life; pining on the same old pain that takes you nowhere. But again who am I to convince you otherwise?"
Ye Hua's dark eyes swept across her face; so familiar and yet so different. He had expected a hysteric Qian Qian crying or throwing insults or angry words at him. Qian Qian who stood now before him did no such thing. She was accepting to the point of indifference and fully confident in her one, true love for another man.
"You really are not her, are you? My Su Su would never be so harsh with me. She might be angry at me at times but she never held my failure against me. She cares for me deeply; that is why I know she would forgive me."
Bai Qian wriggled her eyebrow. She already said the part that Su Su already let go of everything. If he chose to hold on his belief, then it was his choice. His logic was flawed though, forgive and forget were entirely different matters. Su Su might have a bigger heart than her to be able to forgive Ye Hua completely. But falling back in love and in relationship with him again? Hardly.
The Goddess decided her errand here was finished. She had found what she was looking for. She glanced at Ye Hua's bow head as she headed straight for the door. Once there, she paused as if uncertain of what she was about to impart.
"Even if it is not really my place to say it, I would like you to reconsider one thing."
"Despite what happened between us, Mo Yuan is still your brother. The same one who painstakingly took care of your spirit for over hundred thousands of years," she stated matter-of-factly. "That could never been easy for him, consider the time of conflicts and disturbances he lived through. Who know how many times he fell and sustained injuries, how many life threatening those were. But still he always watched over you."
"You might not even know but Mo Yuan asked Lord Lingbao Tianzun to take care of you, in case he perished in the last Ghost War. That is how much he cares about you. Whatever happens from here on, please have a care, Ye Hua." the Goddess reminded him. "Do not take it out on the hands that nurtured you. Blame me, be angry with me, if you must. He did nothing to deserve your contempt and alienation."
"Farewell, Ye Hua," was the last words she said to him before leaving without a single glance back.
Note: This is a my take on what happened at the beginning of BQ's life as a mortal. I always wonder why she chose to stay in a hut so far away from others. Comments & feedback are highly appreciated and welcome; chitchatting is also nice. There are times I feel like I am blabbering non-sense alone and on my own here.