Sorrow

Shayera watched fearfully as John stepped into the room. Five years of dreaming, fantasizing, and hoping have never prepared her for this. The fear and the near panic attack was not something Shayera wished to be feeling right now, especially with John in front of her. Shayera silently watched John as he cautiously approached her, his own eyes glowing emerald. Shayera shuddered when she saw them. It reminded her of the last time she had seen John, when he was personally escorting her to prison. His cold and glowing eyes had honestly brought fear to Shayera, who at the time had been trying to convince him that she didn't murder the five World Leaders. Looking away, Shayera glanced down at her hands in her lap to avoid showing him her tears. She was afraid of how he might react, what kind of person he might have changed into after five years.

John was feeling so much joy and regret crash down on him in waves. He can finally talk with Shayera after so long after her rescue. He had completely broken down into guilt when she had been placed in her second coma by Bruce, needing to be medicated in order to have a good rest and function properly in the outside world. His breakdown was actually seen by several staffers in the Watchtower that the news spread through the Watchtower. He had to be placed in a mandatory 'vacation' to avoid the concerned and pities stares that he was receiving in the Watchtower/ John looked at Shayera and it was like taking a breath of fresh air after staying too long inside.

Shayera looked a thousand times healthier since her rescue. No longer sporting a skeletal frame, she was slowly gaining back her weight while her wings had grown back their beautiful grey feathers. It had frightened John immensely to see her wings so featherless and near bones. It scared him to think that she almost lived a life without flight. Her hair was no longer knotted and matted where it was to the point of no return that Diana and Canary having given her a haircut while she had been in her coma. They had cut her hair short, almost bald, but it grew back some length during her eleven weeks in her coma. It was shoulder length but John didn't really care much of it. Just the sight of seeing her breathing and alive is enough to ease his burdened heart.

It still continued to haunt John in his dreams that they had almost been too late. She had been beaten to near death by the Gordanians and to think, if the surveillance footage didn't turn up when it did then Shayera truly would have been lost to them forever. John and the others would have continued to live their lives, ignoring the one being in the entire universe that desperately needed them to save her. How many years would have passed by before they thought about her again? To think about what she might have gone through for the last five years brought horror to his heart. He knew of POWs from past wars that never recovered from their PTSD and didn't doubt J'onn's words about Shayera's trauma.

It sickened John to think about it and it was why he remained frozen in front of her, unsure what to say or do. When she shuddered and looked away from him, John felt a frown come across his face. What was she afraid of? Looking at himself in the reflective medical tray near her bed, John saw the cold glow of his powers and instantly powered down. The memory of the last time he had seen her came back to him, where he used his powers to hide behind as he escorted Shayera to prison.

He walked towards Shayera slowly and sat down next to her. She stiffened at the contact but John paid no attention to it, instead he tried to find the right words to say. How do you tell someone who has been wrongly imprisoned by you that you still love her? That you hope that at least a friendship was still possible despite the obvious damage that has been handed out? John hesitantly reached his hand out and placed it on top of Shayera's hands. She flinched at the contact and John pulled back quickly, terrified that he might have harmed her. Looking over quickly, he realized that he only frightened her. John sighed and said, "Shayera… I…"

Unsure what to say, John sighed again and looked away, trying to gather courage but failing. It was almost painful to see this timid version of Shayera. John really was stupid to believe that Shayera would be the same Shayera she was five years ago. That she would have remained headstrong, abrasive, and passionate. John can now see that Shayera was broken in spirit and he had to do whatever it takes to bring her back. John sighed deeply and gathered his courage.

"Shayera, I'm sorry," he began, "I was a failure."

Shayera continued to gaze at her lap, not wanting to look at John in case she starts crying again. How she yearned to be the headstrong warrior that she used to be five years ago. John sighed as Shayera continued to avoid his gaze and he looked out towards the window, trying to figure out words to say. It is incredibly difficult to try and reconnect with someone whom you initially rejected to avoid fate? John looked at Shayera and decided to lay his cards on the table now so that they can have at least an idea of where to go.

Reaching for her he ignored her flinch and cupped her face with his hands, gently forcing her to look up at him. Shayera's emerald eyes were watery and John gently brushed aside the tears before saying, "Shay, I failed you. I failed you in every way possible. I want to start over."

Shayera wasn't expecting that. She wasn't expecting it all. Why? Shayera could feel her eyes blink in surprise and swallowed nervously before asking, "M-Mari?"

"The past," explained John, "Shayera, I know it's asking a lot but I… I want to start over."

Shayera could feel her heart lift in joy and shatter in despair at the same time. Start over? It was everything that she had ever dreamed of but feared at the same time. His discovery of Rex was what prompted him to reject her love and continue with his relationship with Mari. Did he only want to start over because he was now no longer in a relationship with Mari? Did he even have any feelings for her? She needed to tell him now, to see if he even had any feelings for her. Otherwise, she'll be living a lie.

"J… John," said Shayera, clearing her throat and steeling her nerves. She needed to be calm for at least five seconds before her emotions got the best of her, "I… I… they..."

She couldn't get the words out. She couldn't say out loud how she can never carry a child. How Rex will never exist in their lives. John moved her so she was seated in his lap and he was hugging her very tightly to himself. The feeling of it brought up nostalgia to her, the many nights before the invasion that they had spent just cuddling up to each other. Shayera hesitantly rested her head on his shoulder and felt his hand stroke her feathers, just the way they did long ago.

"John," said Shayera, deciding that she really needed to do this now, "I… can't have… children." Her voice cracked on the last word. John stopped his stroking and pulled Shayera back to see her face. His heart plummeted to the bottom of his stomach as her words echoed in his head. He knew it.

He knew it.

He knew that he had ruined her life, but this? This just confirmed it. He annihilated any chance of happiness she could have had. He ruined her. It's his entire fault. John felt tears run down his face as tears also ran down Shayera's face. Unable to see the broken look on her face, he wiped her tears away before hugging her tightly against him, wrapping his arm around her wings to keep her against him. He felt her tears wet his uniform but he didn't care. He'll gladly let her do whatever she wants if only to bring her happiness. He remembered the conversation he had with Batman two days after revealing to Shayera that he had met their son in the future all those years ago.

Batman had caught on quickly what Shayera's hidden desire was: to be a mother. John had always thought that if it really was fate then all he had to do was do nothing as he continued his relationship with Mari. He was a fool. He ruined it all, not just for himself but for Shayera.

He kissed the top of her head, wanting to show her that he still cared. He couldn't find any words though. All he could do was hug her tightly to him as she continued to cry. It would be ten minutes later that John finally found the words, "It's ok. You're ok."

Shayera automatically shook her head, knowing that John was only trying to ease his guilt. She never knew Rex, so she wouldn't know how much it must be hurting John to know about a son that will never exist. John placed his hand behind Shayera's head and pulled her back before looking into her eyes. Her beautiful emerald eyes had a hollow look and he asked, "H...How?"

Shayera swallowed as she recalled the many times she had been medically stabbed by the Gordanians, She swallowed her tears and said, "They knew where to open me. They liked to… they knew where to cut me open to make me bleed more without killing me. They… liked to pretend that they were killing generations of Thanagarians… they already wiped out a whole planet after all."

She choked on her sob, as she recalled the torture they had put her through by watching the live feed of Thanagar's destruction. She was a destroyer and perhaps it would be better if she didn't have any children. John though was horrified to hear about it. She was the last? No more Thanagarians? All because she chose them in the end. The devastation of this news hit John hard. How much it must have haunted her, to have all that guilt and misery wallow up inside and have no one to talk to about? No one to relate it to. John hugged her again, this time more to comfort himself rather than her. He couldn't handle the information. He is a Green Lantern, for God's sake. His job is to protect and to shield all from horrors and he knew that Thanagar was losing in the war. He knew. He just didn't know the endgame.

Shayera though held on to John tightly to comfort herself, not knowing if this would be the last time John would ever want her. He knows now, he knows that she can no longer give him Rex. He was free of her and she decided to tell him that so to spare them the heartache if they ever tried to lie between themselves about it, "You don't have to be with me anymore John. You can find someone else now that can give you a family."

Her words were like ice to John. Cold ice that gripped his heart and his throat. How could she believe that? That he only wanted to be with her just for the convenience? He realized that he should have explained earlier a little better at his request to start over. Having a family would have been nice, but having Shayera with him by his side will always bring happiness in his life.

"Shayera," said John, "having a family would have been nice, but I want you. You, who I have wronged for the last five years. You, who made the ultimate sacrifice for us even when we didn't see it in the beginning. You, who hasn't even tried to knock us into next Tuesday even as we deserve it. All I want is you."

Shayera sniffed back her sobs and hugged him tightly, feeling for the first time pure happiness. He wanted her. Her. It saddened Shayera that she will never know Rex, but she took comfort that perhaps for once she might be able to have happiness. The newly formed couple were unaware of the spy camera that was recording them, sending the live feed back to its source, who watched the two heroes with a violent rage and overwhelming jealousy.

Hey readers, happy Leap Day. I'm so sorry I'm not updating as much, but I promise I will try to get more chapters up for Spring Break. Thanks for reading and leave reviews :)