Thanks to brittpage21 for her help with this chapter!
Warning this chapter contains some bad language
Sleep still causes me trouble. I find it harder and harder to cope with the never ending nightmares, exhaustion is gonna kill me but I'm too afraid to sleep.
It's was almost dawn, the sun was beginning to rejuvenate the dull sky and I was wide awake. I had been awake since four forty-five and it was now six. In order to keep myself busy, I swallowed down a mug of disgusting coffee and began drawing in my sketchbook.
My gaze traveled over to the slumbering giants, my brothers, worn out due to a recent battle with a Shtriga. The Shtriga was making kids fall into comas but with our interference, the creature was destroyed and the kids were saved.
Boy, I wish I could be such deep sleepers like them. Honestly I'm surprised that they haven't noticed my erratic sleep patterns, or should I say lack of sleep. Headaches keep annoying me but I choose to suffer in silence. Also I haven't had a seizure in a while, which is a good thing but I'm assuming that one is just laying dormant. I'm more alert now than before, as my head whips around at the slightest movement or noise. Yet I only express this behavior when I'm alone, because if I acted up in front of Goose and Hen then I would have blown my cover.
Everything is weighing on my mind; Dad and his quest on hunting the demon that killed Mom and Sam's girlfriend, my visions and nightmares, and now my recent sleazy affair with a demon. With the way this is all eating away at my brain like a cancer, I'm gonna end up in a psychiatric hospital by the time I'm sixteen. I just now it, and if it comes true then I'll laugh myself into a cardiac arrest.
The caricature I'm drawing is just completely random. Thick lines and dark scoring makes up the large wings that erupt from his back, and a messy scribble makes up his scruffy hair. The lead tip of the pencil gently sketches out the strange man's eyes. Why does this person seem so familiar? Weird.
My ears detect movement from one of the beds. The pencil in my grip became inanimate. Uh oh. The Hen was waking up. Sam yawned, wiping the sleep from his eyes, before noticing me. Frowning in curiosity, he quietly ventured over and sat down beside me.
"Hey baby girl," he whispered. "What are you doing up so early?"
Best solution to this situation. Lie through my teeth.
"Nothing," I replied. "Only been awake for about five minutes."
I placed my sketchbook and pencil on the coffee table. Sam sighed. He better believe this lie as I ain't in the mood for a lecture.
"You still shouldn't be up this early," he answered. "Not after what happened with Jared. You could really use some sleep."
Well, I think otherwise. My hands curled into fists and I looked up at my brother.
"What have I said about mentioning his name!" I snapped, my voice quiet in order to avoid waking the Goose.
Why do my brothers constantly bring him up? I've told them not too, the very mention of him brings back the memories that I would rather forget than remember. I spent four hours in a health centre the following morning after the confrontation with him, getting tested in my downstairs region, making sure I was disease free. Getting reminded just pissed me off.
"Now just a minute young lady," hissed Sam irritably. "What's with that attitude?"
I rolled my eyes at my older brother. The last thing I wanted was my renowned bad temper to flare up. The anger meter had been rising for some time and now it was bubbling away at the top, ready to explode into a tantrum.
"Like you don't know," I scoffed. "I always thought you were the brains of the family."
Repressing things in your mind and wearing a mask is very helpful in coping with difficult situations, but it eventually wears thin and everything starts to dissolve. Sam's eyes softened as he caught scent of my hidden misery.
"Why then? Don't tell me it's because of Jared," replied Sam, taking hold of my white knuckled hand. "You didn't know."
Snatching my hand back, I simply shook my head. It had been over two weeks since the incident, yet Jared's image and the sound on his voice still lingered in my mind.
"That's what makes it worse," I said. "I was so stupid. I let a demon get the better of me."
Rising from the couch, I began to pace up and down the room, arms folded across my chest. I wasn't gonna break, not over something like this. It was all my fault, I couldn't ignore that fact and nobody could convince me otherwise.
"Chris," said Sam, still parked on the couch. "Please."
He was wanting me to talk about it. Hell, I wasn't wanting to talk about. Not now. Not ever.
"No!" I hissed, pinning on my bare heels, facing his direction. "I don't wanna talk about, so why the hell do you?"
My cheeks began to flush with all the emotions brewing inside me, making me look like a damn tomato.
"If it's hurting you that bad, then yes we need to talk about," Sam answered. "Get it out in the open."
If something is bothering them, my brothers clam up inside. They don't talk about the shit that bothers them. Oh no, their big macho men and they have reputations to hold onto. Remaining silent, I turned my back on my brother.
"Chrissie, please," begged Sam, leaning over the back of the couch in an attempt to reach out to me. "We need to talk."
Oh will he just drop it already! I know he is only trying to help but I'm not in the mood.
"Why?" I barked, twisting my body around to face him again.
Stress makes me moody, or I can put the blame on puberty. Or maybe it's both.
"Because we have too" argued Sam, getting annoyed at my stubborn attitude.
No, we don't. Shaking my head, I avoided his gaze. I wasn't gonna break down. It would be stupid. My head drooped down, a wavering sigh escaped my throat.
"Chris, please," said Sam. "At least just come back over here and sit down."
Now I was pissed. The meter had overflowed and anger had been unleashed.
"I don't wanna sit down!" I yelled.
Perfect timing for my loud voice to waken the Goose. Oh the joy of that, now I have two over protective brothers to deal with. Sensing trouble, the Goose tumbled out of bed and made his way over towards me.
"What's goin' on?" he asked, kneeling down in front of me, concern evident in his eyes. "What's wrong?"
Throwing my arms in the air like a mad scarecrow, I glared at my brothers.
"Nothing is wrong!" I yelled defensively.
At that moment, the rage inside me took control of my legs and made me storm into the bathroom, slamming the door in fury. Once I locked the door, I leaned against it for support. The wooden door began to rattle due to the beating fist of my eldest brother.
"Chrissie, please come out," he begged. "I know something's wrong, you can't hide that from me."
Oh how I've missed the arguments and conversations via locked doors. A common pastime for me.
"Please, just back off " I implored.
When I have an episode, moments like this are common. I sighed as I pressed my forehead against the door once the knocking stopped.
"Chris, please just talk to me" pleaded my eldest sibling.
Sorrow has now replaced the anger. This is what I was dreading, the waterworks.
"I'm sorry" I croaked out, sounding ultra pathetic and childish.
I ran a hand across my face, and so far I found no tear drops escaping. It was only a matter of time though, I couldn't keep them back forever.
"Sorry for what Chris?" said Dean, his tone slightly shocked.
Oh God, here we go. Better face the Hen and Goose now, since there was no point in hiding anymore. Sighing, I opened the door and exited the bathroom. Goose kneeled down in front of me again, but I avoided his gaze. It's so unfair on how I pulled the short straw outta the gene pool. At least he had a shirt on now.
"C'mon Chris," said Goose. "I know something is wrong. Now, what is it?"
Dammit! The waterworks had defeated my army of mind minions. My jaw began to tremble as my face finally crumpled. Goose took command of his big brother duties and guided me over to the bed we shared. Yeah, I'm fourteen and I share a bed with my twenty-seven year old brother. I never tell anyone that as they would assume that incest goes on within our small family, and if they said that in front of me then I'd punch their teeth out.
I lay on my front, resting the side of my face on the musty pillow, Goose sitting by my side. Not a single tear had been spilt but I knew I was seconds away from breaking down completely. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. The tears began to slip down my cheeks. I buried my face into the lumpy pillow, inhaling the stale odor. After two weeks, the barricades in my mind had fallen, allowing every ounce of mental strength I had to dissolve. The mask I had been wearing had disappeared and this is what was hiding underneath. It was a pitiful sight.
"Chrissie, I don't care if you don't want to," said Goose. "Tell us what's bothering you right this minute."
Next time their upset about something, I should continuously pester them like this.
"Then I'll remember everything" I uttered, my face crumpling in anguish and sorrow.
Then the penny dropped for them. It took them long enough, probably because it was so early in the morning and their brains weren't regenerated enough. At this point I had just given up and cried like a small child. Rib rattling sobs sounded from my constricted voice box, my shoulders convulsed as the memories flooded back, polluting my fragile mind.
"Baby, please talk to us" pleaded Sam, his tone filled with angst and desperation.
My arms wrapped around the pillow as I shook my head out of desolation.
"N-n-n-o-o," I sobbed miserably, tears streaking down my cheeks as my voice caught in my throat. "P-p-pl-leas-se. N-n-o."
I was heartbroken. The first boy I had lost my virginity to was in fact a demon. A demon who just used me for sex, his main agenda was to use me as a breeding tool. My brothers don't know what it's like to feel violated. I've heard songs going on about a broken heart, assuming it was just a figure of speech, but my heart really did ache as if it was spilt in two halves.
"Sssssh, it's okay," hushed Dean, rubbing my back as if I was a little girl again. "You don't have to talk about it right now if you don't wanna."
Unable to stand the smell of the pillow anymore, I brought my face away from it, turning on my side to face my brothers. I'm guessing the sight of my misery broke my brothers hearts also. Goose ruffled my hair in a gentle manner.
"Whenever you're ready we'll be here for you," he said, giving me a small sad smile. He then glanced up at Hen. "Ain't that right Sam?"
Sam nodded in agreement as he took my left hand, giving it a comforting squeeze and kiss.
"We sure will" replied Sam, giving me an identical sad smile, his eyes glazed with sorrow also.
With my free hand, I swatted away several escaping tears but it was in vain as more continued to stream down my cheeks.
"I j-just wanna f-forget" I sniffled.
My voice cracked with emotion and my face crumpled yet again as sobs overpowered me once more.
"Oh baby," hushed Dean, pulling me into a hug. "Don't cry."
I don't wanna cry. It makes me feel weak, and on top of that it makes my eyes bloodshot and sticky. This is my punishment for being reckless and betraying my brothers. I deserve to suffer.
"I'm-m s-s-so sor-r-ry," I sobbed, my breath hitching as I clung onto my eldest brother like a koala bear. "For e-everything-g tha-at I've d-d-done w-wrong-g. I'm so s-s-sorry."
I reckon I'd need to sew and staple my shattered heart together again. The pain wasn't letting up.
"Shhh, don't worry about it," soothed Goose, rocking me gently in his arms. "No more crying, it's killin' me."
I can turn a renowned badass male into a care bear, now that's talent. Just like my ability to trip over whilst going up a flight of stairs. It took several more minutes to settle me and both my siblings and I were glad when it was over. Pulling away from the embrace I gazed up at my brothers, my eyes puffy and red rimmed due to crying. Goose stroked the side of my face.
"Please don't cry anymore sweetheart" he begged, his tone soft as he leaned down and planted a kiss on my forehead.
I gave him a tiny nod in agreement whilst sniffing and wiping my sticky eyes.
My gaze then drifted towards the nearby window, the sun was now fully risen in the sky and I could detect the very faint sound of birdsong. Well, at least the cute little birds are happy. Rising to my feet, I walked towards the bathroom, grabbing a bag, containing my clean clothes, underwear and toiletries.
"I'm gonna go in the shower," I said in a raw voice as I entered the bathroom. "I won't use any hot water."
The icy cold beads sting at they rain onto my bare back. My hands scrub at my body furiously, almost in a clawing like motion. Soap made my skin bubble and glisten as I continued to lather it on in layers. After another two minutes or so, I exit the shower.
Once I finished drying off, I yanked on clean underwear and the rest of my garments. The only clothes available was my denim shorts and blue and gray checked shirt with matching dark blue t-shirt. I then shoved a pair of socks on before stuffing my feet into my old laced up boots. Using my skill with a hairbrush, I put my brown hair into a simple yet messy ponytail before returning to my brothers.
Dean was resting against the headboard of the bed like some slob, his attention on some auto mechanic show that was flickering on the TV set. He then noticed me and my appearance, and after a slight roll of his eyes he went back to watching the TV.
Another hour or two later, whilst I was perched on the arm of the couch, the Goose returned from his round in the bathroom.
"Well, I don't know about you two but I'm starving," he said, throwing down his bag at the side of the bathroom door. "How about we all go out for some breakfast. Huh?"
I sniffed as I craned my head upwards to look at him.
"You're always hungry" I said in a deadpan expression.
Sam sniggered from his location at the kitchenette table. He then peered over his laptop.
"That's true" smirked Sam.
As long as I gulped down several mugs of coffee then I'll be fine. Food wasn't really my main concern now. It was keeping my mind stable that was important.
"Hey," said Dean, lacing his boots. "I'm a growing boy."
Pfft, whatever. I simply shook my head and rolled my eyes at him. Regardless to my brothers being little rays of sunshine today, I had a dark cloud hanging over me. Damn thing wouldn't move.
"Well, you two comin'?" questioned Goose, grabbing the key card whilst making his way to the door.
Sam and I both nodded in unison and followed him out the door.
Metallica blared on the radio as I sat in the backseat of the car, my fingers twirling my amulet around.
"Dude, really?" complained Sam. "Metallica this early. Can't we listen to some real music for a change."
Dean then started his monologue about how it was his car and therefore he was in charge of what was played on the radio, and that the person sitting in shotgun had to shut up and live with it. The pair began squabbling about music. Insults like; "At least I don't listen to ABBA when I'm blind drunk, Dean " and " Just because you have a crush on Dolly Parton, you overgrown Sasquatch! "
During the argument, I wandered off into the only part in my mind in where I found sanctuary. My own planet, filled with snowy mountains and desert badlands. I was Queen of All. My subjects respected me and for those who disobeyed, I had them either banished to my own recreation of the Tower of London, or exiled to Saturn. Yeah, I'm crazy I know, but that's what happens when your childhood diet was mainly high in fat and sugar.
The diner I found myself sitting in with my brothers was just as busy as Times Square on New Years Eve. I called dibs on a window seat, our booth was right at the back of the diner and several short minutes later a waitress, maybe three years older than me appeared.
"Hi, I'm Amy. I'll be your waitress," she chirped happily. "What can I get you guys to drink?"
I felt envious of her happiness and glee, but the one thing I didn't envy was the fact that she worked in a diner and probably earned a peanuts wage at the end of the week.
"Black coffee, please" I mumbled, skimming my eyes over the menu without any interest.
Amy blinked and cocked her head at me, glancing at my brothers for approval.
"Your serious?" she questioned, raising a curious eyebrow at me. "You really want black coffee?"
Should I say it in Japanese? I glanced up at her, still holding the laminated menu in my hands. After giving her a very brief nod, the waitress then exchanged a glance with my brothers, as if to say Is she okay? The waitress then took my brothers drink orders and departed for the time being.
Ugh, I really wasn't in the mood for being out in public today. Hunched in the corner seat of the booth with my legs dangling meaning my feet couldn't touch the tiled floor, which mocked my short stature. I fiddled with my amulet whilst my brothers scanned over their menus.
"Look Chris, they've got your favorite breakfast here," said Dean, giving me a nudge with his arm. He then pointed at a very ugly picture on the menu. "Bacon, sausage, and eggs. I know you've loved eggs since you were a baby."
Oh God, gimme strength! The image of the dish looked very unattractive. Huge fatty sausages which was splitting at the skin. The bacon looked ultra greasy and chewy and the eggs looked like a puss filled yellow spots with white edges. Hmm, very appetizing.
"Fine," I shrugged. "Whatever."
I've felt down in the dumps before but this was different than usual. The dark clouds continued to gather around me. To be honest, I just wanted to cry again. That was my plan, have a good cry later. I felt like I could cry the Pacific Ocean. I'm such a loser, I know.
"Sweetie," said Goose as he gazed down at me, a concerned frown on his face. "What's wrong?"
Where is my coffee! I hate the damn stuff but it is the only thing I crave nowadays.
"What do you think is wrong?" I challenged my eldest brother, my gaze admiring the design of my amulet.
Do they really think I'm okay after what happened to me? I know they are just trying to help but the stress is making me grouchy.
"Let's not think about that right now," Goose replied, keeping his voice low in order to avoid attention. "Let's have a nice normal everyday breakfast and then we can maybe go and have some fun?"
A scoff escaped my throat as my hands landed on the table with a minor thump.
"Nice, normal," I hissed, glaring up at him. "Ha! Don't make me laugh."
Bad mood on the horizon with chances of sarcasm and high risk of tears later.
"Now look here, young lady…" started Goose, trying to keep his cool as he glowered down at me.
Oh crap, word vomit was coming out. This was gonna add more tension to the boiling cauldron.
"I know that you've been pissed at me for weeks now," I interrupted, my tone a harsh whisper. "You know what, fuck it! If you wanna talk, then we'll do it later. So just shut up!"
Goose's feather ruffled in annoyance, yet since we were in a public environment he knew better than to starting screaming the odds at me because of my attitude.
"Chris, you hold your tongue," he scolded. "I will not have that kind of language come out of your mouth."
That's a very hypocritical thing to tell me, because it was him that was my main influence in using bad language. I recall telling a third grade teacher to "Piss off!" and landing up in the Principal's office, all because I heard my brothers arguing with each other.
An hour of awkward silence passed. The food was just as greasy as the deep fat fryer in the kitchen, and I merely picked at it. The tension between my eldest brother and I was growing, and it reached boiling point when we confronted each other in the parking lot.
"Dammit kid," growled my eldest brother. "How many freakin' times have I told you about that attitude of yours. It stinks. Now hold that acid tongue."
I actually took hold of my tongue with my index and thumb, highlighting how much of a sarcastic brat I am sometimes.
"Now is not the time to get on Dean's bad side," Sam warned me, standing between us both. "Don't start trouble."
Funny, I seem to be a professional in causing trouble as it seems to be the only thing I do nowadays.
"You don't think I already know that," I snapped. "Am I really that stupid!"
Yes, I am stupid. I could feel my evil doppelganger who controls my dark side, lurking around in the shadows of my mind.
"No of course not," replied Sam. "Just lay off of the wise cracks for awhile. Okay?"
Pfft, me not cracking a smart ass comment is like asking the Pope to convert to Islam. The wall inside my head is cracking, threatening to fall down. Sooner or later, I'm gonna go insane. Things are going from bad to worse.
Stay tuned!
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