4
"If you dare leave my side, I'll claw your ears off personally," hissed Tallear at her sons, her tail sweeping back and forth.
Blacktuft leaned over to Blackpaw and Grousepaw, warning them, "She means it, you know."
The waning moon was high in the sky. The silver light wasn't as strong as it would be if it was full, but, even in the night, the area was decently lit. Luckily, none of the cats among them were fully white, though Tallear had smeared mud onto her pale pelt to keep her from being noticed so easily. She'd done the same to Grousepaw, bearing with the sounds of his complaints and protests throughout the process. Blacktuft was jealous of her stubbornness, he knew that for sure.
Blackpaw moved closer to his father's side, seeming pleased that the deputy was near to them instead of running ahead with Trenchstar. Blacktuft had warned them that he'd have to advance to the front soon enough, but he would walk most of the way beside them. The cats crept through the heather, the Horseplace coming into sight from the rise they were crouched upon. They slipped through the shadows, ducking into a rut. The barn grew larger before their eyes, the wind blowing from the lake causing the huge doors to creak eerily.
Blacktuft sensed Blackpaw shudder slightly, and Blacktuft whispered to him, "Don't worry. Just stay back with Tallear, and you'll be fine." Blackpaw nodded, and Blacktuft weaved his way past the other cats, soon coming to Trenchstar's flank. The dark brown tabby exchanged a glance with his deputy, then peered at the barn.
The leader unsheathed his claws and Blacktuft followed his lead, and the pair of them broke over the crest, bounding across the open distance between them and the barn. A flash of ginger fur slammed into Trenchstar, the she-cat from before snapping and spitting furiously. Blacktuft let out a battle cry as Eric flew from the darkness, his white pelt catching the light of the moon. Blacktuft dodged to the side as Eric soared past him, the rogue's claws merely brushing through his fur. Other cats leaped out from the barn, rushing the Clan cats and trying to defend their home.
Yowls filled the air, and Blacktuft was reminded of his dream of the blazing sun. He was distracted momentarily by the thought, and it was enough for Eric to land on his back, toppling him over. Blacktuft rolled, crushing him under his weight, though as he gained his paws he was startled. Eric swiped his claws across Blacktuft's whiskers, and Blacktuft hissed when he tore some clean from his muzzle.
Blacktuft backed up, his ears twitching and swivelling as he heard his Clanmates fighting, but all his focus was on Eric. The white cat circled with him, his eyes not straying away from the WindClan deputy for a single instant. Then, they lunged forward, body crashing against body. Blacktuft twisted on his hind paws, pushing Eric down as he gained a hold on the tom's scruff. Eric scrabbled at him, battering Blacktuft's shoulder and forcing the black cat to rear back. Luckily for Blacktuft, he was able to pull away before Eric could slash his vulnerable underbelly.
Blacktuft panted, already beginning to feel the effects of his starvation. His paws trembled under him, but he sank his claws into the ground, desperate to hold himself together. He lashed his tail back and forth, crouching low as he remained rooted on the spot. Eric bared his teeth in a snarl, his nose wrinkling and his pupils contracting. Eric was the first to lunge, this time, and Blacktuft rushed forward, using his smaller, thinner body to slide under him. When Eric landed on the other side, confused, Blacktuft spun, slashing his claws against Eric's back leg and feeling a flash of satisfaction when he saw droplets of blood wet his claws. Eric stumbled, though he turned back toward Blacktuft, determined to keep up with the fight.
Again, they hit each other, and Blacktuft could hear Eric's heavy breathing as the white cat snapped at his ear. All that existed was the pair of them as they tangled, trying to gain superiority in the fight. However, Eric had been eating better, and Blacktuft suddenly realized that he was weakening faster than the other tom. Blacktuft leaped back, his cheek stinging from where claws had scraped against his skin. Blood trickled into his eye from a scratch on his forehead, and he shook his head, blinking rapidly to try to clear it. Eric, too, was injured, but neither of them were finished.
That is, until Blacktuft heard a cry of terror that sounded far too familiar for his comfort.
He spun, locating the source, and saw Blackpaw backing away from a gray she-cat, cornered by the Horseplace fence. Blacktuft spat when Eric caught him on the flank, and he kicked at him with new strength. Eric, stunned by Blacktuft's sudden energy, was forced to release him, and Blacktuft ran. He ran through the thick of the fighting, ducking past Trenchstar and Gorsenose as they fought the ginger she-cat. He scraped by getting knocked over by Torntail as he struggled with a tabby. Blacktuft dug his claws into the ground with each step, sprinting with all the energy left within him.
The gray she-cat lunged, her claws outstretching, and Blacktuft watched with horror as she bowled over his son, her claws digging for his neck. Then, the WindClan deputy surged forward, crashing into her flank. He let out a ferocious snarl, swiping and clawing. Red flashed in his vision, and he wanted nothing more than to bring harm upon his son's attacker. A yowl ripped from his throat with a fierceness he never thought he could muster. The gray she-cat was wailing, but she was like prey under his claws. She couldn't escape him, and Blacktuft felt pleased at the blood gushing from the scrapes he'd inflicted upon her.
He was surprised by himself, inwardly. So much within him was screaming at this gray she-cat. No emotion -not even his love for Tallear- had been so passionate and so intense. It was powered by the stir within him that was aware that he might have been too late. It was powered by his frustration toward the RiverClan cats, with their upturned noses and smirking mouths. It was powered by his sense of helplessness toward the dead and dying in ThunderClan and ShadowClan. It was powered by how much he missed Patchtail and his mother and his mentor. He refused to lose one more. Not one more, not one more.
He was finally ripped from a few moments that had seemed like hours when paws shoved into his flank. They were sheathed, however, and as he stumbled back and his vision cleared, he recognized that it was Tallear who had stopped him. "Blacktuft, stop!" she had been crying, and only now did he realize so. He flattened his ears at her wide eyes and bristling fur, and he looked at the gray she-cat, who was wheezing on the ground, unable to draw in another breath. He backed away, painfully aware of the sticky, warm liquid coating his paws.
Blacktuft couldn't pull his gaze away from the rogue as her eyes glazed over and she went limp forever. All the energy and intensity had been taken from him by his mate. He was robbed of the passion, but he didn't miss it. His body felt as if frozen in ice, and his paws felt too heavy to lift. He swallowed, but his throat was too dry. He was vaguely aware of Tallear helping Blackpaw to his paws, but the relief within Blacktuft was bittersweet.
His kit had been saved at the cost of another's.
The attack on Horseplace was a success. The WindClan warriors had driven off the rogues who lived in the barn, though it was at the cost of several injuries. They limped their way back to camp after visiting the stream to wash off their pelts, and Blacktuft trailed at the back of them, watching the cats disappear into the hollow ahead. He lingered on the edge of the hollow's declining slope, his tail-tip twitching.
The other warriors were settling in the clearing, helping each other lick wounds while Redbird ran among them, tending to them. He saw Blackpaw, first, making sure that the youth of the Clan was cared for. Blacktuft saw the white tom's shoulders fall with relief when he gave the verdict that the apprentice was going to be okay. Redbird glanced over at Blacktuft, trying to send the deputy a reassuring look, but Blacktuft didn't meet his gaze from where he stood.
Blacktuft's chest felt like it was full of burning coals; heavy and aflame. It stirred a restlessness within him. He wished he could go running across the moor, and his paws even itched for him to do so. He was exhausted, and his whole body trembled slightly, but he wanted to expel the negative sparks within him. Instead, he simply stood there, taking in the cats as Redbird travelled from one to the next, applying herbs and granting advice.
No one had spoken to Blacktuft on the way back, a fact that Blacktuft was grateful for. He had broken the warrior code, and he despised himself for it. He despised himself for setting a bad example for his Clanmates by acting so emotionally… How could he lead a Clan if he was shaken in battle like that? Sure, Blackpaw mattered deeply to him. He was proud of his son, and he didn't mind that he loved him, but he wished he had saved him and stopped there. Instead, his actions were soured by the murder he had committed that night.
At the same time, Blacktuft also felt terribly lonely. Standing on the crest of the hollow, he was aware that no one would come to see him because they all didn't know what to say. Not even Trenchstar was sure how to handle the black tom. Blacktuft had ostracized himself from his Clanmates. Finally, he limped away from the ridge, padding to a clump of heather some ways from the camp. He settled in the midst of the plant, curling up in a ball and flattening his ears to hide them from the frigidity. The cold was cutting into his scratches and scrapes like an icicle was being dragged through them. He shuddered, fluffing up his fur in attempt to warm himself up, but little changed for the cat.
He lifted his head when he saw a white flake drift down in front of his nose. He tipped his head, then looked up at the sky for the first time since the battle, noticing how rapidly the clouds had gathered. The snowflakes were multiplying, tracing swirls in the night air and landing down in the crisp grass. Blacktuft tucked his tail against his side, though his eyes were wide as he observed. In the morning, he imagined, the world would be turned white. He was witnessing it as it began… A fierce, icy wind brushed past the heather clump, and he was glad that he had hidden in its midst. The other cats in the WindClan camp would be gathering in the little badger sets within it, he imagined.
"Blacktuft?" called a cat, and the black tom perked his ears. He shuffled to the side, fluffing up his fur again and swishing his tail back and forth as a silver muzzle poked into the bush.
"Lostear?" Blacktuft called his father's name in surprise, startled when he recognized that it was the dark gray tom who had come to visit him.
Lostear studied Blacktuft, asking him softly, "Should I go? Or can I stay with you?"
"You can stay," Blacktuft replied, dipping his head and shuffling to the side to let the elder settle down beside him. Lostear lied down and Blacktuft huddled against him, grateful for his warmth and his reassuring company.
The pair sat in silence for a while, steeled against the wind by the shelter of each other within the heather. Blacktuft and Lostear watched the snowflakes swirl down in cascades, and Blacktuft tried to empty his mind so he wouldn't become tense. He felt comfortable with his father, but he figured that thinking about what had happened at all would make him tense around anyone.
"When your mother died from the sickness, I was miserable," Lostear murmured to the cat, his gravelly voice grim. "I thought I'd lost everything. My hope, my future… I could've been in your position now, Blacktuft, but Trenchstar saw that I was ruined… and old." He gave a small chuckle to add some levity, but Blacktuft couldn't muster his own laugh. He was reminded of the own pit in his stomach that had formed when his mother had passed. He burrowed his nose into Lostear's shoulder, screwing his eyes shut. "I know you're scared, Blacktuft, and you didn't mean what you did back there."
"Tallear told you?" Blacktuft croaked, shivering as he sensed his eyes try to shimmer. He kept his muzzle in Lostear's fur, not pulling it out. He hoped Lostear had heard him properly…
Considering how many times Blacktuft had pushed his face into his father's fur, Lostear seemed to translate the muffled sounds perfectly. "Yes, she told me," he answered, stroking his tail along Blacktuft's spine a few times. "But not until I asked what had happened."
Blacktuft felt a small splash of relief. "No one is spreading rumors?" he asked hopefully, his ears tucking back and raising his head so his eyes could search Lostear's.
Lostear smiled at him gently and responded, "I think this Clan is too small for any tales to go around. The real story's already out, I think. Tallear and Blackpaw are making sure it isn't misconstrued." Blacktuft relaxed and dug his nose back into Lostear's fur again, shivering.
"I feel so awful," the deputy whispered to his father. "I w-was trying to save Blackpaw… I didn't mean to lose control like that. I was just so scared. I thought I'd lose him, l-like so many others."
"It doesn't justify a murder," Lostear warned him. "Warriors don't kill to win their battles."
Blacktuft nodded quickly, removing his muzzle and turning his head away. He stared out at the landscape, watching the snowflakes swirl as they planted themselves into the grass. He sucked in a deep breath, then let it out slowly. "I know," he murmured. "I've made a fool of myself, and I've been an awful example to the Clan. I don't know how I can face them again, Lostear… Wh-What have I done? I took the life of another cat! I… I killed her! I killed her…"
Lostear nuzzled him gently and whispered, "Listen, Blacktuft. You killed her, yes. This is true. You made a big mistake, and you feel guilty for it. What matters now is what you do in response to that. How will you make up for it to your Clan and to yourself?" He let that sit with the black tom for a moment, then went on, "The warrior code is what guides our Clans. Even through the horrible tragedies we've experienced in the Clans, we must stay strong and follow it. So make up for how you broke it. Show StarClan that you are faithful."
"What if StarClan isn't there?" Blacktuft questioned, lifting his muzzle slowly to glimpse the silver dots glimmering in the sky. He was hesitant to speak each word. "RiverClan seemed so certain. Even Trenchstar turned his back on them…"
"And look what he got for it," Lostear reminded him, running his tail along Blacktuft's flank another time. "StarClan is our way. Our ancestors. We must look to them for guidance. StarClan is what makes us into Clans in the first place, otherwise, we'd be groups of rogues, and we would have left this sacred place long ago."
Blacktuft glanced at him, asking in a croaking voice, "Should we have…? Maybe StarClan wants us to leave… Maybe StarClan wants us to run away from this place. Maybe they're waiting for us in a different place…"
"Last time we left our home, in the times of Firestar, StarClan granted the quest to a group of cats who paved the way. Those cats received a prophecy from our ancestors," Lostear told the tale.
Blacktuft nodded and mumbled, "I remember that story from the elders…" He painfully remembered his apprenticeship days, when cats were beginning to become sick. There had been a number of elders, then, though only two of them had been deemed safe for the apprentices to tend: Hareflight and Crowtail. Both had passed in the coming moons. He wished he could remember their faces more vividly. What were the colors of their eyes again?
Lostear continued, "The group of cats were from each Clan. The cat from our Clan was Crowfeather. While the RiverClan and ThunderClan and ShadowClan cats had a brother, sister, or friend on the journey, Crowfeather was on his own. They each received the same dream, referring to a new land. They travelled on this path and met a badger named Midnight who showed them the way. They returned to the Clans, bringing them across unknown lands and to their new home: the lake. And here we are. Until StarClan ordains a cat and sends them a dream, we won't be going anywhere."
"I'm amazed RiverClan has stayed where they are," Blacktuft admitted, remembering how Cloudstar had tested the WindClan leader so boldly against StarClan's testament. "I would've expected them to leave by now."
"It's good that they've stayed," Lostear murmured. "We wouldn't be able to handle both ThunderClan and ShadowClan without them." He let out a small sigh. "But I think they're afraid to go on their own."
Blacktuft rested his chin back down on the ground, and the two toms fell silent. Blacktuft let his mind wander back to the battle and his dream, remembering the scorching sun and the yowling of the cats. He must have been worrying about what would happen in the battle, too, he supposed. He frowned to himself, then shifted his thoughts, trying to find something else to ponder over. His mind drew back to Patchtail and the conversation he'd had with Tallear. Maybe… Maybe Lostear could tell him something about it. "I saw Patchtail," he spoke up tentatively, frightened that Lostear would think he was crazy or assume Patchtail was from StarClan. Strangely, Blacktuft wasn't sure which one he was more afraid of.
Lostear blinked in surprise, then looked over at Blacktuft. For once, the dark gray tom didn't seem sure about what to say. "How do you feel about that…?" he questioned cautiously. Maybe he was afraid to say what he had on his mind, Blacktuft figured.
Blacktuft pressed harder against Lostear, telling himself it was because he was cold and needed the warmth. The wind was starting to pick up, after all. It was stirring the heather fronds more fiercely, whipping through Blacktuft's ear fur on occasion. He worked his jaw for a moment as if the words would spill out from his tongue on their own. Then, he found the words to respond, "Tallear thinks Patchtail's in StarClan. Th-That scares me. I don't want him to be in StarClan, Lostear. I want to see him come home. He's my closest friend… but he's missing. But if Tallear's wrong, then maybe all of this is getting to me. Maybe I'm going crazy. Maybe that's why I murdered that cat. Maybe that's why I assumed Troutclaw was a friend…"
"You're not crazy," Lostear denied sternly, surprising Blacktuft with the intensity in his voice.
Blacktuft felt his fur begin to lift and he stood up, crying out, "Then why did I see him? If I'm not crazy, then he's dead!" He backed away from Lostear, even though the icy wind bit at his skin, painful with how cold it was.
Lostear stood up slowly, his limbs trembling slightly. Blacktuft winced, realizing that the tom's legs must have been stiff from lying there like that. Lostear turned toward Blacktuft and replied, "We don't know if he's in StarClan. You long to see him so badly, Blacktuft, that you might have conjured him up. You're not crazy. You're not. But maybe the starvation is making it hard on you. What you need to do is rest, Blacktuft."
Blacktuft suddenly realized he was breathing quickly, his own legs shaking. His scratches stung from the battle earlier. He worked to even his breathing again, allowing his tail to droop. He kept his fur fluffed up for the sake of the cold, but the fire left him. "I'm sorry," he apologized, guilt rising in his chest. "I shouldn't have snapped…"
"It's been a long night," Lostear meowed softly, his shoulders relaxing when he sensed he wasn't going to find any more fight from his son. "Let's go back to camp, where it's warm. You need your wounds treated."
The WindClan deputy smiled sheepishly. Lostear must have seen his pain. Blacktuft nodded, following the dark gray tom back toward the safety and warmth of camp. He sucked in a breath of freezing air, stepping into the hollow and moving toward one of the badger sets the other cats in camp had retreated to. When they slipped in, Blacktuft felt the warm air blow back at him, eyes peering at the two newcomers from the darkness. "Blacktuft!" Redbird called to the dark-furred tom, and Blacktuft made a beeline for the medicine cat and Springfeather.
Herbs lay beside Redbird, even though he had been pressed against Springfeather's side only a moment ago. He stood up, stepping over his mate's tail with exceeding caution before grabbing some of the leaves. Blacktuft halted by the white tom, watching him as he began to chew up a poultice. "I'm sorry," Blacktuft apologized to Springfeather. "I didn't mean to take him away from you."
Springfeather gave a small shrug, eyeing him with care, and Blacktuft felt a stab of anxiety in his heart. He was so focused on her that he didn't notice Redbird preparing to dab herbs on his scratches until his flank started stinging, and he looked over quickly as if he couldn't have anticipated it was about to happen. Redbird laughed weakly and reassured him, "It's chasing away the infection. Your wound will feel better soon, I promise."
"Thank you, Redbird," Blacktuft whispered to the tom, sweeping his tail across the ground and dipping his head to him. He stood still, allowing the white cat to finish mending his wounds, and then he stepped away. He walked over to Tallear, his ears flattening against his head as he approached her. "Tallear?"
The pale gray she-cat looked up in surprise. She had been grooming Blackpaw's fur as the young cat slept, likely wary of the fact that she had nearly lost him, this night. "Yes, Blacktuft…?" she called back cautiously, studying him through shiny blue eyes.
"I'm sorry," the deputy whispered to her, settling down carefully by Grousepaw. He gazed at her, then looked at Blackpaw, sighing and letting his shoulders droop. "I'm sorry, Blackpaw… Grousepaw…"
Tallear nuzzled Blacktuft gingerly, then issued a caveat, "Things will be harder, now, Blacktuft… Cats won't want to listen to you because of this."
Blacktuft curled his tail up against his side tightly, murmuring sadly, "I know… I'll do everything within my power to make it up to them all. I swear it." He rested his chin on his paws, screwing his eyes shut. He felt Tallear's tongue rasping between his ears slowly, relishing in the comfort she granted him. He let himself drift off into sleep, his heart breaking for the gray she-cat who had lost her life that night.