Haunted-Taylor Swift
Dream-Imagine Dragons
"She was my whole world!" He bellowed, but the fight drained from him alarmingly fast, "Can you understand that?"
Tears spilled over and down her cheeks, and all she managed was a quiet, shaky, "Yes. Completely." She swiped at her face quickly to remove the pitiful wet tracks.
It was a little hard to breathe. Or maybe a lot hard, like the air in the room was simply gone and she was more than human enough to suffer right away from it. Maybe that was why Lana and Lex felt in the water. Or, wait, no, she seemed to remember Lex saying the car wrapped around the rail, so no water was involved but the helplessness of humanity still was an element.
The first time she had been human she had not appreciated it so keenly even though working on the farm meant she was dead tired all the time. Maybe it was because she was younger then and things did not strike her as easily. Her former self seemed so very young to her now, so incompetently inexperienced in life and the world that never offered happy endings. She used to think the mutants would be her biggest problems in life, before her alien father began to really tamper or other Kryptonians bent on revenge made themselves a staple. Looking back she could think of those days as easy. The pain of seeing Pete look longingly at Chloe seemed very trivial now that she knew what real heartbreak felt. Things had been. so. simple.
Lex studied her intently, his molten, shining eyes intense as he lifted his chin. He must have seen a reflection of his own sorrow in her because he nearly softened, "How does that differ in your little world?"
"It doesn't. People I love get hurt in my world too. Lana... was hurt in an accident where I'm from too."
"No." He stated, confusing her for a moment, "What have you lost?"
Clair's intake was shaky, "Many things. If I really did invent another world... you would think I'd make it a happier place than this one. They say I invented a place to make me feel safe but that can't be right because I never felt safe. It wasn't perfect and I wasn't as happy as I should have been if I made it all up. The only thing that made me really happy was you."
"But in your world, you still have your father?"
That nearly gagged her, "Yes."
"He died a little before my accident, you know? Everyone said that was what pushed you over the edge."
She nodded, shutting her eyes, "So my mother tried to tell me. I could see that, if it was true. I almost lost him once, in my world, and you... I've lost you several times, but you always manage to fight your way back."
"Me? You've lost me?" She got the feeling he was fighting not to scoff. "That's your guilt, you know? Subconscious guilt trying to tell you the truth. All the bad things that happen in your world are projections. Don't you see that?"
Clair slapped her hand against her thigh, surprised by how it stung, "I like my world better! At least there I have you and my father, two of the only men in the world I love more than anything!"
Lex didn't react, he just linked his slender, pianist fingers and looked at her, "So we're lovers? I suppose you make me happy there? Give my life meaning?"
"You give your own life meaning, you don't need me for that." She struggled not to hiss at him.
"And what do I give you?" His question threw her and took all the wind from her sails.
He should have asked what hadn't he given her. He gave her the moon, the world, his all. For all the secrets he was still the one she trusted more than anything and she knew he trusted her. She was a fallen angel if she was an angel at all but he still looked at her like she could fly. He believed in her when she couldn't believe in herself. He was the realist to her fancy; iron will to her avoidance; graceful to her blundering; strategic stop to her thoughtless rush; Sageeth to her Naman; they were balance; they were together in their isolation. God, she loved him! He was the missing half of her, she really thought he was.
"You made me feel safe. I'd never felt that with anyone before. I felt like you were there and if I fell, you'd catch me. You were-" Her voice cracked and broke, enough that she had to take a minute, "You were my whole world too. I knew, for a long time, that without you I wouldn't have a reason to wake up in the morning. When you were taken from me not long ago I understood that I might be invincible, but I would fade without you. I loved you so much I could barely breathe when I was with you and I couldn't breathe at all if you were gone. Immortality was utterly meaningless. Wherever you went, I wanted to go with you."
Lex was quiet, just staring at her, for a long time, then he sniffed and said with a nod; "I understand that. I felt that too, about Lana, only I had no way to follow her. She wasn't dead, she was just gone. If I died and she woke up I'd never forgive myself for leaving her, so all I could do was keep existing. I still am, just waiting for the day she takes the lead and either wakes up or gives me a place to follow her to." He looked away from her as if looking at her was too painful, "I guess we both lost everything to your fantasy world, one way or the other. Ironically, we both lost it to each other. I'll never be able to love you and Lana's condition may never change. Neither of us get to have our world." He still knew exactly what to say, but this time it was to twist the knife.
Clair's body wavered in place from the blow of his words. It would be easier if he beat her to death.
"I'm sorry." She whispered, because she was.
Lex turned his eyes back to her, "I believe you. And... I think I could forgive you if it was just my legs, if you hadn't taken her from me." And they were both silent a very long time before he broke in softly, "You should have that treatment. Maybe you still have a chance, if it makes your reality go away, to have a life. You have someone that loves you. You have a chance to start over if you break with your reality." He smiled sadly, like a broken man facing medieval beheading, "I wish I could hate you enough not to give you that advice, but when you look at me like that... with those puppy eyes... I like this version of you better, you remind me of Lana this way."
"If you can't have Lana... I shouldn't have Alic. I would follow you, even into sorrow, as long as I could share it with you."
The fine muscles in his jaw worked visibly, "Poetic, but foolish. You could have a life. One of us should actually live."
Clair frowned as hard as her face was capable, willing him to understand, "I don't want Alic, I want you."
"You can't have that. You want a man that doesn't exist outside your mind. Your Lex doesn't exist!" His eyes hardened a bit, his voice gaining the usual command, "You said you always listened to me, made choices based on my advice, so listen now."
She snatched his hand into hers, desperate to make him understand, "I can't! Not that! I don't want to forget you!" She shook her head, fighting to blink away the tears, "I can't... not have you."
He let her keep his hand and he squeezed hard on her fingers, "You already lost me. I'm not yours, I never was."
Her breathing turned harsh with her herculean effort not to sob but it was obvious he saw it for what it was, and how could he not. His touch gentled to something kind and comforting, "If it's fake," she gasped, "why do I know so much about you? Where you live, what color you like, what you drink?"
"It's nothing you could not read, Clair." He told her, non pulsed.
"What about Julien? I know what really happened to him."
"Julien?" He arched a brow, shifting into interest, "Who is Julien?"
Her jaw dropped slack, because his expression was unguarded the way it always was when he was offered a puzzle, his interest was forward and ignited. It wasn't his look of avoidance the way it would have been had he recognized the name and lied. They lied to each other enough for her to see the difference. There were times he lied well enough to make her wonder if he was telling partial truth, but she always knew a bold face lie, even if she occasionally wished to believe him anyway. Her body recoiled, pulled back and away from him, suddenly aware on some level that more was wrong than she first supposed, like it recognized him no more and saw a stranger. She could not touch him because he wasn't real, she didn't believe it. She tried to swallow but her mouth was dry. If he didn't know that name what should that tell her? Either he was right or someone went to a lot of trouble to make him forget things.
A click at the front door shook her attention and pulled it away from the man in the chair. Like he had been summoned by the earlier mention of his name, Alic was there, moving in through the front door, a key in hand like he had known where to find it. When he saw her, the tension faded from his face and a gentle smile replaced it. Thank goodness she had moved back when she did or she would still be holding Lex's hand. Clair stared at him, unable to move, but then she glanced wide eyed between Alic and Lex, feeling like she had betrayed them both at the same time.
"Lionel called me, thought I might be able to talk you into leaving peacefully." Alic told her softly.
"What?" Clair choked, suddenly feeling a lot more trapped. "I-" there was nothing she could even say.
Lex hadn't called anyone, at least. He had offered her that token of monumental kindness but the older Luthor would never show such mercy. It swelled her affection for this Lex and her hatred of Lionel. Though when had she become so full of anger? It didn't feel normal, all that rage even though she thought it was justly earned. Her ire was for good reasons but lately she had mentally been using hate in her vocabulary and meaning it.
"Come with me, Clair?" Alic pleaded, still softly, extending his hand to her like she was a dog he wanted to come to him.
"Lionel sent you?" Clair asked because she just needed to be sure, "He's here?"
"He's not here." Alic shook his head, "but he did send me, but I wanted to come. I want you to come back with me. I know this is hard for you and it's confusing, but we want to help you. We want you to have your life back. I want us to have our life back, Clair."
Clair laughed, she couldn't help it, even though tears pooled in her eyes, "I don't have a life! There is no us. That's what you don't seem to get! I don't even know you, Alic. I met you on an elevator in high school as far as I remember. Nothing you've told me, not that vending machine ring, not the promises, nothing was real. What I remember is that you once tried to kill me." She laughed again, unable to stop, "We almost got married when you drugged me though, so there is that. The you I remember broke a promise to keep my secret and tried to get my story in the paper. And we did date... but you, the you in this world, I don't remember. I don't know anyone here, not even myself."
"Oh, Clair..." Alic looked at her with such sympathy in his perfect face it hurt and she allowed him to pull her stiff form into his arms, though she never noticed him getting that close. "Sweet Clair. It's going to be all right. You're gonna get better."
"Get away from her! She doesn't need to get better!" A new though familiar voice commanded from the door. "I told you, Clair, you couldn't trust them."
All eyes turned on Chloe and her gun. At first it was hard to make that idea stick in her brain because there should be no gun in her friend's hand. What was that going to solve? Why would she threaten any of them? But maybe she knew things Clair didn't. This new, alternate world did seem a lot more dangerous than theirs. Things were confusing and terrifying.
"Wait," Lex seemed to decide now was the time to step in again, "there is no need for guns. We're alone here, no guards."
"Sure," Chloe spat, "Luthor's always tell the truth. I'm just here to get Clair back, away from you people before you hurt her more than you already have."
"Don't listen to Chloe, Clair! She's not stable, she was in Fairview with you." Alic told her. "You can't go anywhere with her, you need to stay with me!"
Trust Alic over Chloe? That would never happen, not so long as she could still remember everything they had gone through. She could never bring herself to trust Alic again. Lex on the other hand, she would have a hard time convincing herself not to follow him blindly. But Chloe was right, none of this was right, not for them. This couldn't be their world. It might be someone's, but not theirs.
"Shut up!" Chloe snarled. "Don't listen to him, we're not crazy, we're just the only two that know the truth."
Clair nodded a bit absently, her hands shaking a little.
"Let's all stay calm..." Lex put in with a soothing voice like he could hypnotize.
That noise was louder again, like it responded to distress, droning on in the foreground of sound. Instinct took over and Clair shoved Alic behind her while she stepped in the direct path of any bullets. Having either man in the path of a bullet, whether she knew this incantation of them or not, was not anything she was comfortable with.
Chloe arched a brow and cocked her head, "Clair, your powers are on the fritz, you can't stop bullets right now, you need to move."
Clair shook her head, not sure of anything but the need to keep everyone safe, "I know, but listen, this is a bad idea. No one needs to get hurt!"
"Their after us, Clair! I'm protecting you!" Chloe half yelled.
Clair stepped closer, getting more agitated the more tightly wound her friend seemed, "I know, but let's just go. We can still get away. We'll just slip away, we don't need to use a gun. Please?"
She lowered the gun, radiating annoyance, "Yeah, fine, let's go before we're trapped here in Luthor hell." Chloe waved the barrel at the air, "But I'm keeping it. You're never willing to do what it takes to defend yourself, so I have to do it for you."
There wasn't much she could say, though she nearly apologized, because it was true. It must be a lot of pressure on her friend, even more so in a world where nothing was as it should be. Clair rushed forward, taking Chloe's hand, pulling her for the back stairs, or, well, ramp and hopefully freedom. They just needed to run away, cool off, and clear their heads. That was all they needed. That and to get home, obviously.
They could work things out like they always did. This was nothing more than another Wall-of-Weird episode they needed to get out off in some highly clever twist of genius and internet searching.
The rain was over but the streets were drenched. She was glad at least, that they would not drown on the way to wherever they planned to go. Rain was needed for things to grow but somehow she hated it. The water clung to everything, sending out a spray as Clair brushed against a tree branch on the way around the side of the ramp.
Chloe jerked to attention first, but Clair saw the men a second later. They were coming out of the cars on the street. Maybe they'd been waiting a while. They should have considered that. Should have expected Lionel to send more than a friendly face.
"Just relax." One of them said, but the other was already pulling his gun.
They were not going to get away.
Panic started to fire up in Clair's brain while the world began to move in slow motion. Chloe was moving, moving to aim in return, and before any logic could be spoken a single shot had been fired. Chloe gasped, stumbling back and Clair had her arms around her, easing her down, whispering denials like they would make it all go away. She watched, helpless, unable to stop it as life fled from her best friend. It was worse than when she held Lana because she had to watch it drain away and there was nowhere to put her hands that would stop it from leaving.
She rocked her gently, still whispering futile denial of the situation until they pulled her off by the arms. It really was an awful feeling, being unable to resist the hands and arms pulling at her, removing her from the person she wanted to stay near, removing her ability of choice; until this world she never felt it so keenly, the helpless inability of weakness. Weakness was the worst of feelings, helplessness a pain too keen to endure. Their fingers dug into the flesh of her arms and it felt draining, much more than it had when she had been in the asylum.
She screamed, screamed so loud it hurt and made her voice crack surprisingly fast, but they ignored it all. They ignored the pleas and protests and loud demands. They ignored the blood and the body like they had nothing to do with it. Humanity could be cold, more so an the AI that should have far less range of emotion.
She didn't put up a fight after the initial first few moments, everything went numb and she retreated into the feeling, leaving her body on autopilot and pliant with shock. She only mildly noticed Lex watching from the window. There was pity in his eyes but not love, which made it all the worse. She let herself shut down completely.
Bizarro was smiling at him from her perch on the edge of his desk. He kept waiting for the glass to break under her but it was surprisingly resilient, more than he ever would have given it credit for before. Lex diligently pretended to be doing important things, pulling up complicated paperwork he hoped she would not feel the motivation to read or look over. Ultimately he was stalling at absolutely every turn, waiting for something to offer him the chance to run back to that barn. There were a few plans bouncing around in his head about what he might do once he got there, but he had to actually get there. So far she had not left his side. He was beginning to be desperate enough to pretend to go to the bathroom and then slip out the window.
If he could think of something to keep her occupied and away from kill-able humans he probably would do exactly that. Letting her go, letting her kill would mean Clair would be blamed. He could not let that happen.
He had come to an understanding, a self awareness of the sheer intensity of his feelings for Clair during the time he spent with her double. Lex cared about nothing more than he did Clair; not power or money; not the lives of his enemies in his palm; not his life; he did not even care if all the world burned. Obsession so intense and consuming that he would willingly walk to his death for it should have terrified him but he could not bring himself to care. There was noting he would not do for her, no lengths too extreme. No lines existed when it involved her. He would sell the world for her, destroy anything without hesitation. It was hard to draw the line when you were protecting someone, he always knew that, but now he understood how limitless his definition of a line was in just this one case.
Ultimately, he had murdered one of Clair's friends, watched her die a clearly painful death, and yet all he could think about was the girl he loved and what he learned from that. There had been a great many universe travelers in Smallville of late, and they all seemed a bit different. One of his plans involved taking a bit of that green rock to that barn and toying with what it could do to that monster trying to hurt her. By now it might have taken over her body but that was of no consequence. Zod was proof enough that killing the alien freed the host. All he had to do was kill the alien, find its weakness, and it's hold would fail. Simple enough.
It seemed unfair that the last alien they had to deal with had only been a month prior. One month that he spent desperately trying to reestablish his place with Clair so she felt safe with him. She loved him, she trusted him, but there had been a distinct setback in their forward motion.
Clair was his world, his treasure, his salvation or damnation; the other half of a whole, the flip side of his soul, the balance. He could not exist without her and had no desire to.
A breath against his ear scraped him back to himself very quickly, just like the hand smoothing down his chest had him tensing. The lips mouthing at his neck, just behind his ear were very much a shock to his system because it was not fair they she knew about that. Clair knew about that, that place that made him shiver, but this girl shouldn't know exactly where to go on the map of his body. She should not be touching him with Claire's hand or Clair's mouth.
His mind recoiled when she kissed him square on the mouth, but his body leaned into it, not seeming to grasp that the object of his fantasy life, his every daydream, was not actually here. She looked the same but there was such a grave difference. His mind and body battled when a tongue dabbed at his lower lip, and to his absolute horror, his teeth unclenched and allowed her entry to lick and probe the warm cavity of his mouth. His body was not at all caught up with the current events, all it noticed was the right, familiar body sliding onto his lap very gracefully. The press of her thighs over his hips had him gasping, but he was pushing back into the chair to escape all the same.
"Lex" she said, and it was Clair's voice.
He gasped again, fighting his reactions when she was pressed against him and kissing him like she knew all about him. She rocked against the tightness in his pants and he was panting, clawing for some control. His hands were a vice on the chair, not touching her, afraid if he tried to push her away he might involuntarily pull her closer. Luthor's were all about the moment just the way they were about the long game. They could be very patient but they also had a limit of restraint and a pension for anything that made them high. The forbidden held an allure they could hardly escape. The more forbidden it was the greater the draw. Clair was forbidden, had been since the day he met her and Jonathan all but threw him back into the river. Bizaro was also forbidden for very, very different reasons. The Luthor in him was enticed but Lex was appalled.
A sudden flash of the picture of his father with Victoria was all he really needed to find it in himself to slide out from under her, "This is not... the best time." He told her, a little surprised she let him go at all.
She unfurled in his vacated chair, looking disturbingly at home in a seat of power, "Is this because of Raia? Trust me, she was nothing special! All she was..." and there was a sly smirk, "was Clair's daddy's toy. She was so loyal, and she was loyal to Clair only because she had daddy's eyes. Clair is from the stuck up, self-righteous, insane family. Clair's uncle? Even nuttier than her old man, trust me. You don't want to procreate with crazy blood like that. I'm crazy, but I'm the kind that knows it, not the kind that denies ."
Wow, just wow. Procreate? They had never gone far past first or second base! He was not ready, not mentally ready to hear words like that thrown around. "I'm not sure you're aware, but people don't speak too highly of Luthor blood either."
"Don't you even want me to tell you about her family?" Bizarro purred, leaning forward, animal and somehow prowling while she sat still.
"Why would you tell me?"
"Because, like I told you, I'm willing to give you what she won't. I can offer you everything! All your questions, answered, no strings attached."
Lex was shaking, fighting with himself with all his might, because he wanted to accept, wanted her to tell him every single thing, but it was so wrong. He wanted the truth from Clair, not this thing wearing her face, even so, the words that came out were not planned and they were not a no. "Did I hit her with my car?" Predictable question, something in him screamed.
Bizarro leaned back, linking her fingers languidly along the chair arms, triumph written all over every line of her body, "Yes, you did. You're the reason she found out what she really is. Without you and that care, she never would have found out the whole truth. Or maybe just until Daddy dearest decided he wanted her to be his perfect little toy doll. You probably saved her in the long run, from what he would have had planned."
Oxygen, did he need that, because he wasn't getting any. "I was? I did?" He always believed it yet never wanted to believe it since that would mean he almost killed her, would have killed her and died with her had she been anyone else. Cold chills ran up his spine and he felt the need to sit down.
"You shot her once too. She had bruises for weeks, ugly ones. But don't feel too bad, Jonathan Kent shot her once too." She examined her fingernails like they were more interesting than that revelation.
"What?" He sounded like he had been smoking for days on end without pause, "When?"
She smirked, playfully amused, "You were under a pretty powerful influence. You also exploded your on car around the same time, trying desperately to kill her and... Kyle, was it? Kent was under flower power." and she giggled like it was the best joke she ever heard. "Amazing what people do under the right suggestions, conditions. Humans... they aren't all that loyal, are they? They turn on you, all those evil thoughts coming out. Like... I wonder what he must have been thinking when he shot her? Like, all the times she didn't clean her room? Fell asleep during a lecture?" She laughed again, lower, shifting out of Clair's voice marginally.
"I... need to go to the plant. Stay here until I come back. Food is in the fridge, there's TV, games, movies, whatever you want." Lex was moving for the door, desperate to just run.
"Truth is a little hard to hear, huh?"
"I just need to go to the plant." He insisted, still moving hazily for the door.
"Don't you want to hear why she didn't get you out of Bell Reve in time? She did come for you, you know. Broke in even though they might have caught her and learned her precious secrets. But she didn't make it too far. Don't you want to know who stopped her, stopped both of you from getting out?" He could hear her stand from his chair, casual, "You were such a good, loyal friend, screaming and fighting to help her while they dragged her away. You were still desperate to save her when you came around again, trying to help her more than you were trying to escape. She watched the tapes before she edited herself out of them. She left evidence for you, just cut herself out. I think she always expected you to remember eventually."
"Later, just stay here and relax for now. We can... do something when I finish."
"Oh, I hope that means we get to finish up what we started!" Bizarro purred, too low, to different from Clair.
He forced a smile but that was all he could manage.
"If you're going to see her, I wouldn't bother, by the way. I'm all there is of her and you will see that I'm actually much better."
Lex ran, shutting the door behind him and getting to his fastest car. Maybe he wanted to know, but not like that, not like that. He compartmentalized, boxing up everything he just heard and shoving it as far back in his mind as he could. He didn't have any rock with him but he knew where to get some. There was no time to think about anything else and since she was not following him yet, now was the best time to run. He drove, drove fast in the Lamborghini, drove to the dam and found the biggest chunk he could get his hands on before he raced back to the farm.
When he skidded to a stop, dust flying in a thick spray, he almost expected to find Bizarro waiting, smirking knowingly, but she wasn't. He knew she could be at any moment so he didn't slow down, just jumped out and keyed to a run the second his feet hit the ground. The dog was barking, menacing and worried, he could hear it even before he got inside.
Bizarro might not have been there, but someone else was. Glowing red eyes, a long and dark coat. Fatherly the way he was hovering over Clair, striking in a menacing way, cut a little like the first visitors from he unknown, smooth chocolate skin, reflective for those red eyes. Just a little closer and Clair began to jerk on the ground where she had been still before. The man's expression turned to a frown but he did not react more than turning his eyes frighteningly to focus on Lex. If he did not plan to stop him, Lex did not plan to stay away. The closer he came the more violent her convulsions seemed to be. When he crouched beside her he noticed the black veins coming to the surface, the black spreading like blood flow. It looked familiar but it took him a minute to place the response. It was like Raia's.
It felt like being hit with a car when he realized he was killing her too. He dug in his pockets urgently, forgetting where he put the rock. When he finally found it he jerked it out and reeled back to throw it out the door.
"No!" The voice was smooth but edged, deep, "Don't! It's working, put it on her chest."
Lex obeyed even though he protested, "It's hurting her!"
"There's no choice, I'm about to loose my hold on her. The phantom will have to leave her if it intends to live. We can't let it take her body."
Clair's teeth ground together so hard he could hear it, her back arching, eyes rolling, body jerking like a seizure. The dog kept barking, displaying the desperation Lex himself was feeling as it pawed at her. Something dark began to rise up from her chest before a red light shot out from somewhere, catching it a dragging it out of her with a shriek of sound. The red glow was gone when Lex looked back and even the glow of the stranger's eyes was gone. The man scooped up the rock and did what Lex initially planned to, throwing it out the door, just missing the car parked haphazardly.
Clair jolted up, clawing the dirt and screaming, eyes completely wild. The dog licked at her face to comfort her but she hardly noticed, didn't notice when Lex curled his whole body around her either.
"What's wrong with her? Why is she..." Lex did not really know what to say but he needed answers, so he asked the only person that might know why she was crawling away, fighting to get somewhere.
"I... tried to hold onto her, but I had lost hold of all but a strand of her. If you have not come along I'm not sure she... would still be here. It will take her a little time to recollect her mind, regain herself. She will be all right." He said it calmly, like she wasn't rolling on the floor, screams turned to whimpers, eyes lost and so very far away.
"She doesn't look all right!" Lex snapped.
"She will be, given time. She is still herself, it worked, that's all that matters. You should be proud of yourself."
Proud? Proud did not even enter into it! "What the hell did that thing do to her?" Lex rasped, holding her head in his lap like he could will her back together. "What do we do? How do we help her?"
"Get her into the house. She needs rest more than anything." The man turned, actually leaving them with nothing but a parting word of, "I need to deal with Bizarro before she hurts anyone else."
"But... how do I fix her?" Lex asked the vacant, open air where a man used to be. "How..."
It took... some time before she was quiet. He whispered assurances, promises, he begged, and eventually her eyes closed. That did not put him overly at ease but he hoped it was a good sign. She was so still, a little too much like she had been on the hospital beg. He promised her that he would never let one of those things get to her again. He would take care of everything from now on.
Scooping her up, surprised by how limp she was and how heavy, he got her into the house. He decided against taking her to her room so he could keep an easier, closer eye on her. He lined the couch with pillows and covered her shaking body. The Kent's were gone and he dearly wished that they were there. He did not know how to deal with this, not any of it. They should be home, they should be by her side for something like this. Would he tell them about it? Would Clair? Probably not, probably never.
A few hours later and she blinked awake, looking lost, afraid, haunted, vacant, as so very, very young, younger than when he first met her. She just looked... utterly lost. Small, and small was not something he expected to equate with her. She might try to make herself small, intentionally taking up as little space as possible, but she was a presence that could never be ignored. She should not look so fragile, like a strong wind might shatter her. He hit her with his car once and left no mark, but it was the marks no one saw that destroyed people, wasn't it?
He could understand Jonathan a little better and his walls, his protective stances. A father like that just wanted to protect someone as precious as this. Had he been Clair's father he might have locked her in a tower with pillow walls and as many security measures as were in existence just so he would never see her like that.
When he got up the nerve to ask her what happened, she simply said, "Everything." And later, much later, when he took her to her room to sleep in a more fitting place, she asked him, "Is this the dream, the place I run away to? Or was that the nightmare? I can't tell which one is real. How do you tell when they both feel real? Do you just pick the reality you like and pretend the other was the dream?"
"This is real, Clair, this!" He took her hand in his carefully, "This is real. You're here, with me."
She smiled, sharp and unlike herself, "They said that too."
Lex did not leave that night, nor did he leave for the next two days. They mostly stayed curled up on her little bed, the silence covering them like a blanket they were afraid to lift away. When he looked into her eyes he wondered what happened, what wrecked her like this. She said very little, only told him the oddest things, mentioning soap and magazines. She mentioned Lana but he couldn't understand what she was trying to explain. It sounded like gibberish some of the time. She told him her father was dead and she made him wrap around a pole. He assured her that was untrue, her father was a US senator and he was perfectly healthy. She laughed, laughed like she didn't believe him. When she told him that she liked this world better it sent a cold chill down his spine.
Once, the second night, he woke to find her gone. Terror was a mild word for the feeling, the frantic dash he made in order to find her. He had not even bothered to put on shoes, stumbling whenever his foot found a large rock, but not letting it stop him. Eventually he found her. He missed seeing her at first, but on the second pass around the barn he saw her, staring at the moon, perched over the doors of the loft, seated on the edge of the roof. He hoped to God she was as indestructible as evidence indicated because a fall like that would kill any normal person. Up in the loft he managed to get her inside and they sent that night curled together very, very tightly on the couch. He curled his arms and legs around her, afraid she might slip away if he was not exceptionally careful. He did not sleep at all that night.
After the three days he had moved her into the castle with him. The Kent's could not object if they did not know about it. A call to his doctor got Clair a note excusing her from classes, naming some sickness or other that was highly contagious. He kept her in a guest room but he slept right beside her, afraid not to, not wanting to leave her alone. Chloe visited and the first visit had gone rather poorly, resulting in a fresh breakdown and Clair refusing to let the girl go for hours, telling her over and over that she would not let them kill her this time. Chloe had been as shaken as Lex even though she hid it well. Chloe stayed over that night too.
On Chloe's second visit Clair told them that she was fine, it had all been a guilt induced dream. It was nothing, she said, just guilt. She said guilt like a confession, like it was hiding a multitude of sins. Her eyes had aged far beyond her years, like she grew up over night, like nothing would ever be the same again.
They Killed Chloe. Lex hated her. Her mother was... and her father was dead. Lana was in a coma. Lex didn't love her. This world sucked! About the only good thing about it was that Jor-El was soap. Well, and Alic had not been murdered, though she was not sure she could bring herself to love him again. Maybe she could if she could forget her own world, the only world that was real to her. Maybe it would hurt less, the hole in her heart and soul would go away if she didn't remember it was there. Maybe she could go on living if she did not remember any of the things she loved.
It might be worth it if she could forget everything, maybe forget what she had done and forget that her most faithful friend was dead and her once lover wished she was dead. If she could forget then maybe she could be happy with Alic rather than dread seeing him in all his devotion. Or maybe not happy but at least content. Content was better than existing in a world where she had nothing to live for.
Clair was raised on Nancy Drew and home spun values that had farm applicable euphemisms to go along with the life lesson. The good guys always won. There was a reason for everything. Nothing was cut and dry but it also was; black and white and no one talked about the gray area.
A lie was wrong unless it was for the greater good. Everyone deserved a second chance unless they were evil. There was good in everyone with a few exceptions. Every problem could be solved over a cup of coffee unless it was Clair's ability to float. Taking a life was always wrong unless it was accidental, unless it was poison rocks falling from the sky or she was defending someone from a meteor freak.
Life was nothing like it was in books and farm wisdom did not cover everything. In real life Nancy Drew would have died, or one of her friends would have, leaving her with nothing but guilt to live with and keep her company.
Life was full of sad truth and there weren't very many happy endings out there.
When she was ten she tired to bake her parents a cake for their anniversary. Flowed the cookbook to the letter, did exactly what it told her to. It looked fine on top when she pulled it out of the over, even using over mitts just in case that helped the cooking process. They got home and she tried to cut them a piece, realizing then that she hadn't thought of making frosting, and the knife revealed the gel under the seeming cooked part. Heating it longer didn't help.
When she was nearly in tears, feeling totally inferior since nothing her mother made ever failed; Martha Kent could say she used to be a bad cook all she wanted but it would never sound true; Jonathan took down three coffee cups, scooped the puddingized-cake into them and handed out spoons. He declared he was in the mood for something softer than cake anyway. He told her it was just as good even if it hadn't set right, made it sound like it was the cakes fault.
Silly to remember that, of all things. Frightening to begin to wonder if it was a real memory or not.
She was still in the straight jacket when the doctor left her despondent on the bed. He had told her all about what she knew, what she was wrong about. He listed her every secret like it was nothing. He also asked her if that was the life she really wanted; "A place where your very existence causes pain to everyone around you? From the moment you came to earth you were nothing but a killer. Since then there were countless people mutated, people that turned into killers, all because of you. Is that what you really want? Would you honestly doom everyone to such a fate, if you could change it?"
It was that thing she never wanted to admit feeling but she felt it. She was responsible for all of that. Nothing she could ever do would fix that, change it. No matter how many lives she saved she had cost at least as many.
"The people you love only get hurt around you, Clair. How can you really want to live like that? Here, you could be normal." He told her.
"I've hurt people here too." She said blandly, leaning her head against the wall.
"Yes, you have. But here you could still atone for that the way you never could in your reality. To violence will never stop in your world. You are nothing but a magnet for all manner of horrors there. You will never live a peaceful life. You could have that with your family, with Alic. He loves you."
"So does Lex."
"Does he? In your world he is rather manipulative. In time I'm sure he would exploit you. From what you've told me, the two of you have been manipulating each other since you met. Honestly, that is not love. If anything, what you are doing to him is cruel, unconscionable. Trying to turn him into a good man by pretending to love him, a man so desperate for love that he would go to a college student for it? Surely you see the problems with that?"
She did, she supposed. It did sound rather bad when put that way, unrealistic too, if she were honest. Maybe they were right, it all did sound a bit too crazy.
"Anyway, how many women has he been with since he met you? If you were in a relationship, how healthy do you expect t could be? And your family would not be accepting. As I recall, your father, in the reality, has a bad heart because of his fight to protect you. If you keep that farce of a relationship up, you might loose him there too, and then what will you have?"
Lex, she would have Lex, she supposed. If he still wanted her.
Clair thought things would not get much worse, but she was wrong. She knew it the moment Lionel walked into the room, trailed by Lex in his chair. For a moment she thought her mother might be with them but the door shut without anyone else coming in. Chills ran all over her body when Lionel settled on the bed beside her.
Hitting the floor was stark relief and she was thankful enough to kiss the floor of the castle, knowing she was back. Things were better in the place where Lex could walk and he slept beside her. Peeking over the bed, the light caught at his bald head, his eyes flickering with worry.
"It's nothing," she told him, "just a dream." It was, she reminded herself, it was a dream. Of course it was. She ignored the way her hands shook when she crawled back into Lex's arms.