Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie - it began as just another day at the gym until suddenly…
Damn! I'm putting on weight. I look like a big bloated whale. I need to loose some pounds now!
Actually Chuck, that's the thick down jacket you're wearing...
Silence you carbohydrate-loaded pastry queen! Quickly, chase me in a car while I jog down main street.
But sir...
Damn it! I know Richard Simmons. Don't force me to introduce you!
Yes sir.
(sound of running) Ah, this is better. I'll just take a short cut down this ally...(sound of machinery)...what...of course I know I just ran into a car wash. No, I DON'T want the Blue Coral cleaner on special!
Jack LaLaine, Susan Powter, Denise Austin and Helga the touchless masseuse star in..."Dante's Detour". Be there!
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Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie - it began as just another day shopping until suddenly...
Damn! My car has exploded into a million pieces. I some how have to assemble it again so I can drive home. Quickly, hand me that wrench while I hurry to gather the parts!
Uh, Chuck, nothing happened to your car. You're standing in a auto parts store.
Silence you roadie toadie! I've got a long task ahead.
But Chuck, if you just look outside...
Damn it! I used to pit crew in the Indy 500. Don't force me to change the gear ratio in your rear end!
Yes sir...
Hmmm, add a coil here...a spark plug there...air filter...now does the cash register go in the front or the back?
Henry Ford, Betty Ford, Betty Fjord and Shock the grease monkey star in..."Dante's Repair Manual". Be there!
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Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie - it began as just another day outside until suddenly...
Damn! The sun's going out. I'm going to freeze in the cold vacuum of space.
Actually Chuck, the sun's just setting. It happens every evening about this time...
Silence you astrophysicalcosmo noodle-head! Help me rewire my home tanning booth from 110 to 440 V.
Really Chuck, that's not a good idea...
Damn it! I've been to other planets. Don't force me to chart a course for my boot to your ASSteroids!
Yes sir...
There...last connection...done! Now at least I can bask in the warm glow of my own personal heat source. (flicking switch) Aaaiiiieeeee! Even my bones are getting tanned! And I smell bacon...
George Hamilton, Alexander Hamilton, Carl Sagan and Zeus the singing earthworm star in "Dante's Dimmer Switch". Be there!
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Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie...It began as just another day at home until suddenly...
Damn! There must be someone else living in my house I don't know about. I have all this mail addressed to someone named "Occupant".
Actually Chuck, everyone gets mail like that because...
Silence you male-order bride! I guess this "Occupant" guy has been moving around quite a bit. I need to set a trap for him in my house.
But sir...
Damn it, I've played the Postmaster General in a feature film. Don't force me to show you my Special Delivery! Now help me rig the refrigerator with this sleeping gas.
Yes sir. Say Chuck, aren't you thirsty?
I sure am. Let me reach in and get a...a...maybe something after my nap...ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
Key Luke, Luke Perry and William Perry as "The 'Fridge" star in "Dante Doesn't Live Here Anymore". Be there!
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Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster film...It began as just another day on the restaurant sketch until suddenly...
Damn! What do you mean "baked beans are off"? What am I going to do?
Well Mr. Heston, we don't have many choices...
Silence you feloneous monk! Now give me a substitution with my meal before I serve you MY "daily special".
Yes sir, you can have Spam instead.
That's it! I'll have Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam and will someone shut up those damn Vikings before I have to get my rifle!
Leif Garrett, Leif Erickson, Eric Idol and Patty the pressed spiced ham star in "Dante's Menu". Be there!
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A/N: If you've made it this far I guess I should throw in one last bit...
Later today on the Chuck Heston mini-disaster movie...It began as just another day at until suddenly...
Damn! All these people have read my story but no one has left any feedback.
Actually Chuck, you're looking at a telephone listing. None of...
Silence you poor excuse for a Dewey Decimal System! I've got to get them to leave a review somehow. Quickly, point me to the rated 'M' for magnificent stories.
But sir...
Damn it! I played a tortured author in a summer production in Buffalo! Don't force me to hire you as my 'Best Boy'!
If you insist...
That's better...let me favorite the first couple dozen stories, I can read them later...wait, what does slashOClemon...AU...BAMF...mean? FluffHurtAngst? Oh the jargon!
Stephen King Jr, Stephen Foster, Foster Brooks and Arnie the Bookbinder star in "Dante's Review". Be there!
A/N: To quote Tom Lehrer: "You've yourselves to blame if it's too long, you should never have let me begin."