Chapter 2: A Long Night of Self-Loathing
He knew he'd never sleep now, so he went back and started from the beginning of the playlist. The first few videos confirmed his suspicions about their mother's intentions, but convinced him that Jane and Lizzie would never truly listen to her strictures. By the fifth video Darcy was sure that Jane was honestly as smitten with Bing as he was with her. By the sixth he was equally sure that Lizzie Bennet hated him. Aside from the deaths of his parents and Gigi's heartbreak the previous summer, he'd never experienced anything quite as painful as the woman he loved ranting for over a minute about all of his faults. That is, at least, until he realized that he'd just admitted to himself that he loved her only after he'd ruined all chances of her ever returning those feelings.
In the next video she donned a flatcap and a bowtie in an approximation of his attire for the Gibson wedding and spat out in a stiff, robotic voice: "You're dancing with the only tolerable girl in the room, so stop wasting your time with me. Sure, Lizzie's decent enough, but why would I continue to dance with her when no one else does?" And there it was, the pain and insecurity in her eyes after she'd removed the hat and bow tie. He'd insulted her. He'd hurt her. What's worse, he hadn't even meant it. He'd avoided dancing with her again because he was nervous, she made him nervous. She was so witty, and beautiful, and charming and succeeded in making him the opposite of each of those qualities because his higher brain functions seemed to shut down when she was near. So he said whatever he could think of to get Bing off his back and leave him alone in the shadows.
He had to take a break to process that episode, so he rose to take a quick shower. He was exhausted and angry at himself. He'd never been easy in company, but his own discomfort was no reason to be rude to other people. He dressed for the day, made coffee, and settled with his laptop on the couch to continue the torment of watching Lizzie's videos. He sat through hours of Mrs. Bennet's schemes, Lydia's crazy — although she could be rather sweet as well — Jane and Charlotte's attempts to redeem his character, the infuriating appearance of Wickham. Lizzie's presence was stamped across it all: her personality, her smile, her wit, her sarcasm, and her hatred of him.
The episodes shot at Netherfield were particularly painful. His disbelief that Caroline would stage Jane's 'indiscretion' faded with every appearance she made on the videos. She had clearly discerned Darcy's attraction to Lizzie and was using her appearances on the videos to fuel Lizzie's hatred. The day of the wine tasting, she sat next to Lizzie berating him and accusing him of being all but incapable of friendship then not five minutes later she was seated beside him in the convertible insulting Lizzie for the entire drive. He had suggested the town car because he wanted Lizzie there, and Caroline had neatly ruined that as well.
To some extent, he was angry at Lizzie for not seeing through it all. True, in the beginning she had every right to be angry over his insult, but they had spent a month together at Netherfield. She had time to get to know him and she persisted in her resentment. The voice in his head arguing that he hadn't allowed her to get to know him, that he'd intentionally closed himself off to hide his feelings was increasingly difficult to ignore.
Through all of her anger and insults, he watched on in stony silence, unable to help himself from falling deeper in love with her in spite of everything. His anger would slowly rise, but then she would smile, or laugh, or hug her sisters and he would be caught again.
It wasn't until Wickham reappeared and told his fabricated story that Darcy smashed his empty coffee mug in an uncharacteristic bout of anger. He had looked forward to spending time with Lizzie at that party, to dancing with her, to indulging his crush just a little before he had to leave. But then Wickham had gone and ruined even that for him. After the exorbitant amount of money he had convinced Darcy to hand over then squandered! After the belligerent appeals for more money that bordered on threats! After what he had done to Gigi! After every slimy, greedy, grasping ploy Wickham had pulled, he was somehow still able to waltz back into Darcy's life and ruin everything!
Wickham had somehow twisted things to such an extent that Lizzie even blamed Darcy for making Wickham stand her up! Darcy had been rather proud of himself when he ran into that cretin at Carters because he'd forced himself to leave before Wickham ended with the same fate as his coffee mug had. He hadn't even spoken to him, it had taken all of his willpower to turn sedately and walk away without making a scene. But of course Lizzie Bennet, ever eager to find his faults, had blamed him even for that. Darcy had never liked Lydia more than when she pointed out that it was Wickham who stood her up and hadn't called to explain himself.
Jane's confusion and sadness at the end of that episode when she saw Bing's tweet merged into the next — which he forced himself to watch again. Her pain was even more poignant after watching the previous forty-seven episodes of Jane's smiles and shy references to her feelings for Bing — feelings that were never evident to Darcy in their personal interactions. The outro music had played and his screen had faded to black by the time Darcy roused himself to action.
It was 8:30 on a Friday morning, and Darcy had just spent months working from home. He'd initially scheduled his return to the LA office for next Monday, but since they'd left early he'd been in yesterday and was expected today as well. Luckily, that hadn't been enough notice to fill his schedule, so his assistant was able to reschedule any meetings for the following week. He then walked past the broken shards of his coffee mug out of his apartment. He had an unpleasant meeting with Bing to get through.