Fourteen

A few hours later, Tina closed the book. Once she'd started reading, she hadn't been able to stop, and she hadn't wanted to. The book was everything that she'd hoped it would be; no, it exceeded all of her expectations and hopes. Newt had succeeded in what he'd set out to do with this book, both in what his publisher had asked for and his own wishes about portraying the creatures that he loved. And she couldn't have been prouder of him.

Reverently, she set the beautiful little book down on her bedside table, knowing that this would be far from the last time that she would read it. Then, with a deep breath, Tina turned to the remaining item in front of her on the bedspread: Newt's letter.

Tina wouldn't deny it: she was terrified of what it would hold. An apology and an explanation, most likely, but what else? A request to completely forget their weekend in London, both the good and the bad? A wish for them to go back to a purely distant and platonic relationship? Or, worst of all, could it hold a final goodbye?

Well, whatever it held, Tina only knew that she needed to know. Only then would she know how to move forward, which was something she hadn't known how to do this past month.

Picking up the full envelope, Tina handled it as if it were a No-Maj explosive rather than a letter. With equal care, she opened it and pulled out the folded pieces of parchment that had been sealed inside. There were at least six pages, all covered in Newt's handwriting. Making sure to take deep and even breaths, Tina unfolded the pages of parchment and began to read what Newt had written her…

Dearest Tina,

This will be the most important letter that I have ever written in my life, yet I hardly know where to begin. I hadn't planned on doing this in a letter; you deserve to hear everything that you need to hear from me, face to face. However, as you know, oration is not my strong suit under even the best of circumstances, and this is something that I cannot afford to bugger up. If I have not made anything clear in this letter, please do not hesitate to tell me and I will do the best I can to clarify what I can.

I suppose as good a place to start as any is the morning after we last saw each other. As you can well imagine, I woke up late in the morning feeling absolutely sick to my stomach. It was a mountainous effort just to climb out of my case in one piece. Once outside the case, I barely registered that I was back in my own flat. I didn't even notice Theseus until he shoved a vial into my hand and ordered me to drink its contents.

The potion that he gave me turned out to be a cure for the after-effects of alcohol. This wasn't the pleasant, sweet-tasting kind that erased all unwanted memories, either. This was the kind that tasted like a mixture of garlic and vinegar, and the kind that restores all memories of the intoxication period in your mind in very vivid detail.

Once I comprehended all that had happened the previous night, I was horrified to the point of nearly having a panic attack. Had Theseus not been there, I may well have succumbed to that first impulse. My second impulse was to run straight back to the Leaky Cauldron and beg for your forgiveness on my knees. However, it was nearly noon by the time I had woken up, so you were long gone from the country by then. So, my third impulse was to go to the Ministry or the docks, whichever would give me passage to America first. But Theseus stopped me with a legitimate reason: after what happened the last time I was abroad, there was no way I would be given permission to leave this country in a day. Besides, he said that the two of us were not going to go anywhere or do anything else until we'd had a serious talk about what had to be talked about.

He was right, of course. What happened at the restaurant that evening showed plainly enough that some crucial things needed to be talked about and sorted out. We spent the rest of the day in my flat talking, between lots of biscuits and several pots of tea.

Now, I must pause and go back, Tina. I must go back to where this all started. You deserve to know what lay at the root of what happened last month.

When I was at Hogwarts, I was an outsider. Besides being extremely shy and self-conscious, my interest in magical creatures far exceeded any other student's, and this was seen as strange, even among my fellow Hufflepuffs. I had only one friend, and that was Leta. Though she was of Slytherin house, she too had a deep interest in magical creatures, and she too was an outsider – though for a different reason than myself.

Her reason was because of her family name: Lestrange. I know that you and Queenie know something of her family's history. By the time she came to Hogwarts, her family name was already well known in England. However, while Leta was at school, members of her family made the headlines by spear-heading a campaign in the ministry that would bar all muggle-borns from attending Hogwarts. Though this was hardly the first time a group had tried to do this, it certainly made Leta's name the equivalent of mud at school.

As for Leta herself…well, I was so grateful not to be alone that, for years, I tended to look the other way when it came to some of her…less than desirable qualities. Though she didn't share in the mania that her family was going through about muggle-borns, she still believed that they were less-deserving of any kind of consideration than those of pure-blooded families. She also could be very sensitive, and have a volatile temper. Anybody who disagreed with her was, not only wrong, but her enemy. And considering the way that most students assumed the worst of her because of her name and house, I couldn't blame her sometimes.

You have to understand, Tina, that I was just so happy to find another person who didn't mind my company and was interested in what I was interested in. The only other person like that in my life was my mother. As we got older, we would start sneaking out to the grounds, even the Forbidden Forest, at night, in order to see the creatures native to the grounds. Leta made it seem fun to break the rules, and we were never caught (though I think Dumbledore may have suspected once or twice).

As for the nature of our relationship, the best way to describe it is that we were close friends. In our sixth year, we did sometimes…experiment physically. That's also the best way that I can describe it. While she was never in danger of falling pregnant, we did sometimes go far beyond innocent kisses. There was never a romantic declaration or intention between us, though; Leta would always say that we were just close friends, and I didn't want to lose the only companion that I had.

I'm not proud of this, Tina. All I can say is, we were teenagers, we were curious – at least, Leta was curious, and I thought that I was in love. I hope that you can understand that, though I wouldn't blame you if you thought less of me for this. I certainly did, especially when it all collapsed.

Near the middle of our seventh year, a jarvey that Leta was keeping and trying to train escaped, and it attacked another student. The girl, a first year, got some nasty bites, but she made a full recovery. Nevertheless, it was a serious violation, and the school knew that we were the only two who would even try to keep and train a jarvey. Before we were summoned to see the headmaster, Leta came to me in tears. She told me what would happen if she were expelled, and how badly her family would react. Considering their reputation, and the stories that she had told me of how harshly they punished her and her siblings at home, I believed her. She didn't ask me to take the blame, but she begged me not to say that it was her.

When we saw the headmaster, and he asked if either of us had kept this creature against school rules, I took the blame. I knew where Leta had kept the jarvey, so I claimed that was where I myself kept it. Considering my reputation for loving all creatures, no matter how dangerous, it was not hard for the headmaster to believe me.

I took the blame because she was my only friend, and I knew that my family would not be nearly as horrible to me as hers would have been, had she been expelled. Yes, my father would be furious, but I'd never lived up to his expectations and never expected to. I honestly thought at the time that it was the right thing to do.

The matter was investigated and discussed as to my punishment, which could very well have been expulsion. Professor Dumbledore, whom you know was my Transfiguration professor, was my advocate from the beginning. Some of this he told me later, but here is what happened. Apparently, one of Leta's hairclips was found at the site where she kept the jarvey, but I still adamently took the blame. Dumbledore, though, still stood by me and argued against full expulsion; he has the ability to see through to the true nature of anybody. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a gift for Legilimency, whether through birth (like Queenie) or by learning (which he is certainly clever enough to do).

Eventually, a compromise was come to. The presence of Leta's hairclip at the site meant that she at least had knowledge of it being kept illegally, but since I had confessed and Leta came from a powerful pure-blood family that had donated a lot to Hogwarts in the past, I was kicked out of school. However, Dumbledore must have convinced the headmaster that I was, if not innocent then not the ring-leader, because I was allowed to keep my wand. Since I was in my final year and an excellent student up until this point, I would be allowed to complete my N.E.W.T. courses through correspondence courses and independent study; Dumbledore was appointed as a school guardian to oversee that. In the summer after my class graduated, I was able to sit for my exams alone and walk away with a complete education.

But in one way, the only way that mattered to me at the time, I had failed in what I'd hoped to accomplish by confessing: I still lost my closest friend. Throughout the whole process, Leta never said anything, to the school or to me. She ceased talking to me, and never contacted me after I'd left. I wrote her a few letters, but she never responded. By the time I'd finished school, I knew that it must be over.

I was heartbroken, to say the least. But my heart hardened after it broke, though I didn't let myself think about it consciously. I decided that my work would be enough, and so that is what I made my life about. As I got older and more years passed, I convinced myself that I would be perfectly content on my own. I kept a picture of Leta in my case all these years because I still had moments when I was lonely and I missed her friendship. I also had a small hope of someday seeing her again and reconciling – or maybe that was just fooling myself.

When I saw her entering the restaurant on Theseus's arm, it was the first time that I'd seen her since I'd left school; not once in between did she ever contact me.

That is the whole story, and until recently, Theseus knew none of it. That may surprise you, but let me explain.

As you know, Theseus is five years older than me. Because of that, and that we were in different school houses, we didn't interact a lot at school. After that, we would exchange the occasional letter and see each other on the holidays, but it was minimal. Theseus was going through his studies and eventual training as an auror; you know that that is not an easy or short process. Besides that, we were so different and had so little in common; it wasn't until we were both adults well into our careers that we started to become closer. For a long time, all Theseus knew about my relationship with Leta was that she was my best friend at school. That is because, ever since I left Hogwarts, I refused to talk about what happened and never confided in anybody about it.

That changed after you left, and I told Theseus everything that day in my flat. It was difficult to get through it all, but I was determined not to leave anything out. Nothing is ever settled until it is settled right, you know? Theseus listened, but he got more and more agitated as I went on, pacing by the end of it. Clearly, Leta hadn't told him anything, either. It was some time before he calmed down.

Now, it was Theseus's turn to tell me his own story. He had met Leta for the first time several years ago at a Ministry function. From there, they would often run into each other at various functions, parties and social gatherings. They would chat, sometimes flirt, in passing. It wasn't until this past autumn that they decided to date, and they've been a couple since the Christmas holidays.

During their courtship, I inevitably came up in conversation, since I was something the two had in common. Apparently, Leta told Theseus that, while we were good friends at Hogwarts, we 'parted on unfortunate terms,' we 'drifted apart' and hadn't spoken for years. She also said that our parting was through 'no fault of my own.' I was glad to hear that she was honest about that, at least. Two weeks before you arrived, Leta found out that she was pregnant and told Theseus. It was an unplanned surprise, but Theseus offered his hand in marriage. Apparently, he'd already been contemplating it for a few weeks.

Theseus apologized to me then; he said that he'd had a strong feeling that Leta wasn't telling him everything, therefore neither was I, but he'd never pushed either of us for the whole truth. I suppose my brother and I have more in common than I thought: we've both been guilty of ignoring the warning signs in order to preserve our idea of happiness.

Honestly, Tina, if he had asked me to tell him the truth, I don't know that I would have. I had never spoken of this to anybody – even Queenie, because she got it from my mind, not my mouth – and I would probably have retreated. Perhaps that horrible dinner had a silver lining: it was the only way that all of this would have come to the surface.

Well, now a month has passed. Theseus and Leta are still engaged; they have a baby on the way, and I think there is real love between them. However, they've decided not to rush the wedding, scandal be damned. Theseus is still quite angry that Leta hadn't been honest with him about her history with me, and Leta seems willing to do whatever Theseus is comfortable with.

I spoke with her the day after Theseus and I talked in the Leaky Cauldron. It was so strange…she's a complete stranger to me now. Perhaps she always was, and I only saw what I wanted to see in her when we were teenagers. Now we are adults, and everything has changed. She seems to have matured and calmed somewhat, though I still recognize the fiery nature still inside her. But she fully admitted to me that her actions, both in the past and recently, all boiled down to pure cowardice. I had no trouble believing that, but I was glad that she was able to admit it to the both of us. She also seems to genuinely love my brother, and wants to be worthy of him and their child.

I truly hope that she is genuine, for my brother's sake and for the sake of my future niece or nephew. It may be a long time before I can ever truly trust Leta again, or have any kind of easy relationship with her. But we must move on, for the sake of my family – soon to be our family. So, I accepted her apology and said I hoped I could forgive her someday.

This past month, I have worked almost without stopping to finish my book. But my primary motivation had nothing to do with meeting the deadlines: the sooner that I finished my book, the sooner that I could keep my promise and come back to you. While I worked, so did Theseus in making it possible for me to return to the United States. I'm extremely grateful for that, because he managed it in the end. I am writing this the evening before my portkey departs just after three o'clock in the afternoon. If the weather is fine in the city tomorrow, I will see if you will follow your tradition of walking to your favorite spot in the park after work.

Tina…I have no right to ask anything of you, not after the way that I've behaved. Not just after my family dinner, but not telling you anything about Leta until now. All I can say is that it was a part of my life that I wanted to lock away and never open up about to anybody. But I've recently learned that you can't move on from anything unless you've faced it head-on.

Ever since I took that potion hours after you left, I've been haunted by what I said to you, how I must have appeared to you…and how much I hurt you. I know I did, because I've come to know you. But even with that, you took care of me. You had every right to throw me out with the trash, but you didn't. You put me back into my case and made sure that I was taken care of before you left. A giver, through and through…and I don't deserve you.

There is something I must finish. The last thing I said to you was a statement that I didn't finish, so please allow me to finish it now:

I swore to myself after Leta that I'd never let myself fall so far again…and then I met you…and I'm so glad that I did. Merlin knows that we had an awkard start, swept up in a dangerous adventure that nearly killed us both. But I couldn't have asked for a better companion at my side.

You, Queenie and Jacob became the first true friends that I've ever had. None of you used me or manipulated me to your advantage. In the hands of so many, the power of a Legilimens would be used to trick, trap and blackmail; Queenie, though, has a pure heart and uses that power to help and understand. Jacob had every reason to fear and distrust us from the start; instead, he put his trust in us and let magic into his heart, in more ways than one.

And you…you wonderful, amazing, lovely, selfless witch…where can I begin with you? I can't begin, because I don't want this, us, to end. I don't want to lose you, Tina. I also don't only want you in my life as a friend, pen-pal, and confidante. That day we spent together in London was the best day I've had in a long time, perhaps ever. Do you know why? Because, with you, I feel safe, at ease, free to be myself, as I never have with anybody else. Even with Leta, I always held back at least a little, still afraid that she wouldn't be my friend anymore.

But you never made me feel afraid. Not once. When I saw you in Theseus's office that day, I thought that my heart would lift me right off the ground. I knew what I was doing when we kissed in that booth. I'd known how I felt for some time, and I won't deny that it frightened me, which is why I never said anything in my letters. But seeing you again chased that fear away, because this was you, Tina. I don't know how better to say it. I have no reason to fear when I am with you.

If my senseless actions of that night have driven you away for good, I will understand, and I will do whatever you want me to do. If you are still reading this letter, then I am already getting more than I deserve. There only remains one thing to tell you now.

Losing you would be the greatest regret of my life, Tina. Because I love you, very much. You may not believe me, and I wouldn't blame you, but it's the truth and it always will be.

Yours,

Newt

…By the time Tina was finished, her tears had fallen on the pages just as Newt's had when he'd written it; the smudges that had littered them intermittently could be explained no other way.

It took Tina less than thirty seconds of silence to tuck the letter into her blazer's inner pocket, get up from her bed, and disapparate from her flat.