20

Anathema

"Hey, this is actually working."

Twilight, Spike, Starlight, Sunburst, and Luna busied themselves with repairing the castle. Each had a bucket filled to the brim with violet fragments of various shades and sizes. Spike's idea of using the shards to patch up the structure had slowly but surely worked.

Spike grabbed and examined a hefty chunk, rolling his eyes. "You sound surprised, Twilight." He slotted it into a similarly shaped hole in the floor, and, with a glow, it became one with it.

"I didn't mean it like that," Twilight said. "I just didn't expect crystal to be so..." she tapped the wall she was working on, "organic? Living?"

"Well, it did come from a tree," Starlight said, "right?" Twilight scoffed.

"Yeah," Spike nodded, "and not just any tree. A magic, crystal tree that has the Elements in it. Huh, kinda forgot about those."

"Still," Twilight said, shaking her head, "it's... it's crystal. A rock. A formation of minerals. It shouldn't, well, grow, meld, heal, like this."

Spike shrugged. "Meh. I just see that it's magic-related and leave it at that." He started placing smaller fragments into fissures in the ground, each one emitting a glow as it took its place. "How do phoenixes get born again?" He shrugged. "Magic. How do sticks and rocks and leaves stay together to make a timberwolf?" He shrugged again, picking up another piece. "Magic. How did a crystal box grow into a crystal tree?" He smiled smugly at Twilight as he placed another piece in a crevasse. It glowed brightly. "Magic. It's just easier for me not to think about it."

"Well," Sunburst chimed in, "I could explain two of those things to you."

Spike laughed. "Nah, I'm good."

Luna fitted a sizable hunk into the ceiling with a glow. Her leg was now freed from its cast, and she reveled in the thought of walking with four legs once again. She looked down to the others. "Twilight? When shall we fix the spire?"

Twilight set her bucket down. "Uh... well, I was thinking about waiting until more ponies were available to help, but we could do it right now, I guess. Why, are you going to sleep soon or something?"

"That, and the sooner it gets done, the less we have to worry about later." She flew down from the ceiling and landed on the floor. "It could also give hope to those who need it, seeing the castle quickly being repaired. I could levitate the structure whilst you and Starlight placed the shards around it."

"And me?" Spike said.

"You and Sunburst can be on the inside," Twilight said, "fixing the walls and ceilings from there."

He shrugged, tossing a shard into the bucket and picking it up. "Guess I got nothing better to do."

Ponyville was bustling with energy. Outside, ponies hustled from place to place, gathering wood, stucco, and tiling, bringing it all back to their ruined homes. Many public buildings, such as the train station and town hall, were left alone in favor of repairing the various residences. Twilight, Starlight, and Luna looked at the castle spire, which had dug itself into the ground for a good few yards.

Sunburst scratched his head. "Huh. Should we, uh, dig it up? I'm not sure we can do that ourselves before nightfall."

Twilight pursed her lips. "Hmph. You're right." She tilted her head, looking at the spire. "Maybe this should wait, at least until more ponies are available."

Luna chuckled. "You two act like you have not magic." She lit her horn. "Let us pull the spire from its crater, and then I shall be able to hold it up myself for you."

Starlight and Sunburst looked at each other. Twilight shrugged, and the three turned to the spire and lit their horns as well. They slowly lifted the giant structure, gaining the attention of passersby. After some effort, they were able to fully unearth it, leaving behind a peculiar, almost cavelike hole in the grass and dirt. The star had collapsed near the top, and much of it still lay in the hole. Luna was fine under the load, but the other three were sweating.

"You," Twilight said, panting, "you sure you got this?"

"Yes," Luna replied. "You can let go now."

Almost immediately, the three relinquished their control of the structure. It fell a few feet, kissing the ground. Luna's head bent down with it. Onlookers retreated a few paces, and the other three had their horns lit again.

"That was... heh," Luna looked at them. "That was a bit heavier than I expected."

"You're sure you can handle it?" Starlight asked. "I mean, one of us could stay and—"

"No, no, no, I am quite capable." She heaved it skyward. "Just go up and get started."

The two nodded. Twilight flew upwards, and Starlight surrounded herself in a cyan bubble and followed. Sunburst ran inside to help Spike at the top. Luna focused and lifted the crystal cylinder upwards. She herself began to fly up, to better see how to manipulate it. She gazed at the small halves of the holes which were punched through it, and looked up to see the other halves in the castle. She shook her head. How could such a small thing break two castle walls?

She arrived and found the four talking to one another. Spike pointed behind them and handed them each a large bucket of shards. Luna carefully positioned the spire into place, using the small holes as a sort of guide. It didn't quite fall into place, so Luna had to keep it aloft. The four immediately began their work, little glows flashing every few seconds.

Luna looked down and wasn't surprised to see a small crowd gathered, staring up at them. She shook her head, chucking. "Have ye not homes to rebuild?" she called down to them. She laughed as some ponies left immediately and others slowly backed away.

"Hey, Twilight!" Spike called from the small hole.

Twilight flew over to him. "Yeah? What's up, Spike?"

"I know this probably isn't the best time to ask, but, I'm just curious. What're our plans for tomorrow?"

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Tomorrow...?"

Spike shook his head. Luna flew a bit closer, glad for a diversion. "Well," he said, a bit mockingly, "today's the twentieth, so tomorrow is...?"

"The twenty-first?" She shrugged. "What're you saying?"

Luna understood all at once. "The Summer Sun Celebration." Without thinking, she started losing control of the spire. It fell down, hitting the section it was being reattached to.

"Look out!" Twilight yelled. She and Starlight flew out of the way, and Spike and Sunburst ducked down the stairs. Luna was stunned momentarily as the newly placed pieces of crystal shattered under the immense weight of the structure and scattered everywhere. The spire began to fall back down to the earth.

Snapping out of her stupor, Luna dove down. "Damn it!" She focused all of her magic into catching it. The other two joined her, eventually slowing its descent. The ponies who didn't leave before were galloping away now. The spire wasn't able to get halfway to the ground, and Luna breathed a sigh of relief.

"What the hell, Luna?!" Twilight yelled, giving a side glance at Luna. Starlight kept her eyes on the spire, muttering something. "You could've gotten us killed! Are you that tired?!"

"I-I-I am so sorry, Twilight!" Luna said, carefully descending. The other two followed suit. "I-it is just I had forgotten about the..." Her ears folded back. "Celebration."

"Oh." Twilight facehoofed. "Right. Sorry. I, uh, I forgot about it too." The three lowered it slowly to the ground. Spike and Sunburst were already outside, and they started having a very animated discussion with Starlight. Twilight turned back to Luna. "Well, what are we going to do for the celebration?"

Luna's ears now fell flat to her head. She looked down at her reflection in a puddle, and who she saw was almost a stranger. Her mane and tail had long since stopped shimmering and waving, both now dragging along the ground when she walked. She had grown noticeably thinner over the last three months, her now pale indigo coat more taught on her body. Her eyes, even though she was looking directly at them, didn't seem to look back, but instead focused on something in the distance. The faint sense of happiness she had felt earlier was gone, and once again her entire countenance was broken, beaten.

Luna remembered Twilight and cleared her throat. "We cannot cancel it," she said finally, head still down. "It would be too much to ask of the ponies. They need this."

"But will you be okay?" Twilight asked. "It's just... I mean..." She sighed. "It's you. You're going to be the one raising the sun."

Luna winced and closed her eyes. "I know." Her voice was barely above a whisper.

"Will you be okay, Luna?" Twilight asked again, more earnestly.

Luna looked back at the castle. She said nothing for a time. Twilight began to speak when Luna looked at her. "Let us finish the spire later." She slowly walked back inside, past the other three, who paid her no mind.

Luna slowly paced around her old castle in the Everfree. The emptiness didn't help her spirits, but it was the only place where she could think clearly. Doubts and worries had popped into her mind the moment she remembered the celebration. She didn't want to do it. She knew it had to be done, but she wished it could be done by somepony else, anypony other than her. She didn't want to take her sister's place. She grew frustrated with herself. She didn't know how to describe her own feelings. She felt dirty in a way, as if she would tarnish the day or make it less special. The only reassurance she could fathom was she had been raising and setting the sun on her own ever since the funeral.

The thought of sleep never occurred to Luna. Even after lowering the sun and raising the moon, she felt no better. She moved the sun and moon every day simply because she had to. The celebration was her sister's, not hers. She thought of ways to explain to the ponies why she called to cancel it, but she couldn't bear to think of the hundreds of crestfallen countenances. They needed this, needed something happy, needed something to reassure them. But why did it have to be this? Why now? Why her?

The sky began to lighten, and Luna realized she hadn't even laid down in the past dozen or so hours. She thought of just raising the sun from the castle but chided her cowardice. Flying over the forest's edge, she groggily made her way toward the center of town. Even though it had to have been at least five in the morning, hundreds of ponies had already gathered around the main fountain, and Luna had to fly high above as to not be seen.

She landed behind the fountain, where Twilight, Fluttershy, and Rarity were. She peeked around to the other side of the fountain and saw a makeshift rickety platform made of old boards of wood. She made an audible whimper.

"Luna, you'll be fine," Twilight said. "The ponies here look up to you. They love you. You've been doing this every day already. You can do this."

Luna simply nodded. She took a shaky breath and walked to the front of the fountain. Cheers erupted from the crowd gathered there. She stepped on the platform and faced them, utterly horrified. They were all so happy, so excited—everything she wasn't. She could feel beads of sweat roll past her eyes, her heart attempting to jump out of her chest, her knees threatening to disappear altogether. She took a few more deep breaths, trying to steady herself, getting a bit lightheaded instead. Doubts resurfaced, and she made no attempt to clear them away. Shaking her head, she closed her eyes, lit her horn, and focused her mind on the sun behind her.

Her eyes flew open. It wasn't budging. Frantically, she concentrated harder and tried physically pulling the sun along. It felt as though her horn were a tooth she was trying to pull out. The strain pulled on her skull, threatening to snap her horn off. Luna bit her lip to stem the pain. She doubled and tripled her efforts to no avail. "What is happening?" she muttered through grit teeth. She looked at the crowd, who seemed more worried now than excited.

The doubts reared their heads again, louder, more persistent. She wasn't supposed to do this. It wasn't her place to. Twilight should have done this, not her. No, she thought. She couldn't keep thinking like this. She had to raise the sun. Ponies were counting on her to do it for them. Luna remembered Twilight's words. She was the only one who could do this.

Taking another deep breath, she pulled again on the sun. Sparks shot out of her horn as it grew brighter and hotter. She closed her eyes, putting all of her might into her head. She thought she felt the sun begin to move. She began slowly flapping her wings. As soon as her hooves left the ground, she opened her eyes. Unicorns had their horns lit in case she needed help, but one by one extinguished them. Ponies were cheering for her. They were wide-eyed, looking at each other and the sun. Her heart soared. She could do this.

A single doubt fluttered into her mind. Was she worthy? She faltered. She stopped her ascent, and the sun seemed to go back down a ways, pulling her with it. Was she really, truly worthy? The floodgates opened. She really wasn't, she knew that. How could she be? She couldn't do it. She couldn't because she wasn't good enough. She wasn't perfect like her sister was. How could she ever be like her? How could she ever make up for what she had done? There was no way she would ever be like her sister. She kept trying to fly up but started choking up. Was she trying to replace her sister? She abruptly lowered again. Was this whole thing some foolish attempt to take her sister's place in the ponies' minds? She whimpered. She could not do this.

Luna let go of the sun. She fell, slamming hard on the makeshift platform. The sky turned back to a soft twilight. The ponies in the crowd gasped. Luna covered her face with her wings, wracked in sobs. Doubts bounced around in her mind, seemingly magnifying with each echo. She started muttering her thoughts aloud.

"I am a wretched being for even thinking of replacing her. There cannot be anyone like her, much less me. How could I be?" Her heart beat slowly, heavily, thudding loudly against her chest.

"Cowardly, stupid, ignorant, impatient, jealous, childish, foolish..." More and more words popped into her head, and she agreed with them all. "How could I have dared to act in her place? How could I ever think myself worthy? There is no way I could come close to even the dirt she walked on." Luna wanted to stop existing, to be free of this vileness.

Luna peeked over her trembling hooves at the crowd. Many were shocked, staring at her with mouths ajar. Some looked disappointed. A few were shaking their heads. More tears blurred Luna's vision, and she ducked down again. "I let them all down. They looked up to me, and I cannot so much as raise the sun this one time. She never would have messed up like this. She never would have doubted herself. She never would have disappointed anypony. She never would have failed."

She heard hoovesteps to her side. She peeked one eye and saw a purple pony with an outstretched hoof. She stared at it, unsure at first who it was; then, recognizing Twilight, she took her hoof, despising herself even more. She couldn't even stand up to walk on her own now. Twilight guided her off of the platform to her two friends, who watched Luna with abated breath. Luna could hear the crowd murmuring, whispering. She kept eye contact with the ground, her wings dragging along the dew-covered grass. She heard Fluttershy and Rarity trying to comfort her without really listening to them.

Suddenly, the sky became brighter, and the ponies gasped. Luna looked up and saw Twilight in the air, her horn aglow. Nearly every unicorn she could see in the crowd had their horns alight. The entire crowd roared, stomping their hooves, whistling, cheering; happy. Luna couldn't bear any more of it. She teleported to a patch of clouds, leaving behind a startled group of ponies.

Luna buried her face in the clouds and screamed. She screamed as much as her lungs allowed. The clouds quickly shifted from a snowy white to a sooty black. She caught her breath and screamed again until she felt her throat tear. After a few more trembling breaths, she was wracked in sobs. Three months of pent-up remorse crashed into her mind and spilt from her eyes. Images of her sister's face and mangled, bloody body flashed in her mind. She couldn't escape it. She cried until she no longer could, for what felt like hours, yet when she opened her eyes, the sun had barely moved. She took more unsteady breaths and trembled on the dark cloud.

"I..." she muttered, "I j-just want to die..."

"Luna?"

Luna quickly looked up and saw Twilight hovering in front of her. She looked horrified. Her pupils were little more than dots in her eyes. Luna looked down and saw she was no more than a few dozen yards away from the crowd. They all gazed up at her, fearful and concerned, quietly whispering to one another. Luna looked back at Twilight, who cautiously flew closer.

"Luna..." She spoke softly as to not let others hear. "Do... do you really...?"

Luna sniffed and looked down. "I-I do not know," she choked out. She continued crying softly. "I just want to sleep. I j-just want to forget, to not feel this awful bitterness inside me." She took a few quivering breaths. "I feel as though I t-tried to replace my sister, but how could I do that? How dare I? I-I am nowhere near her. And now... now I am supposed to be the... the strong one, the hope, t-the one to whom ponies look up." She stared at Twilight. "But how can I do that? What am I supposed to do? H-how can I face them now? I am—no." She looked down. "No. I n-never was worthy. I failed them. I..." her voice broke. "I failed... Celestia." It hurt her to say her name, and she cried again.

"Luna," Twilight flew over to her and hugged her. Luna felt a sliver of warmth return to her. Twilight hovered back a little. "You already do so much for everypony, and not just the war. You've been doing my job for the past three months now. Everypony here supports you. The fact they're here proves it. Don't ever think you're not needed. Don't ever think you're unimportant." She started tearing up. "Don't ever think we don't love you. That includes Celestia." Luna doubtfully glanced at Twilight.

Twilight's face contorted in pain. "You think she doesn't love you? How... how couldn't she? You're her sister. You picked up her mantle and are leading Equestria through its darkest time. She loves you every bit right now as she did then. Nothing's going to change that." She offered a hoof, and Luna stared at it. After a moment, she grabbed it, and Twilight helped her up. "And here, with this," Twilight gestured to the crowd, "you're not replacing her, you're honoring her. You're trying to keep her memory alive with this ceremony."

Luna knew somewhere in her mind Twilight was right. She felt better knowing Twilight was on her side now, but she still had to bite back a plague of questions from escaping. How could she explain what a lack of hope feels like? How regret had festered and grown to the point where that's all she could think about? How she hated her very heart for incessantly beating? Why she refused to eat or sleep for days if she could stand it? How she knew, she knew, she shouldn't be there? Perhaps she could get better now. Somehow. The sliver of warmth grew, and she held onto it. She had to get better. For Celestia's sake.

"I understand now what you meant by pillars," Twilight said, smiling at Luna. "I'm... I'm so, so sorry for not being there for you. I'm sorry I was a hothead and hurt you and how I wasn't supporting you. I was a truly awful pony." She nudged Luna. "Now I think you need a pillar."

Luna smiled weakly. She hugged Twilight tightly. "Thank you. Really, I thank you. I... I needed that. I really did."

"Hey!" a voice called from below. "Three cheers for Princess Luna!" Luna looked over the clouds and saw an ocean of ponies, all looking at her with admiration. "Hip hip!" the pony cried. A shout of hurrah erupted from the crowd. "Hip hip!" The shout was louder this time. Luna shakily spread her wings. "Hip hip!" A near deafening shout. The crowd below cheered and whistled again for her. The sliver of warmth engulfed her heart, and for a moment, Luna truly smiled.