"I think you're all already acquainted..." Juno said after a moment of intense silence.
"No. Whatever it is, if it has to do with him, no." Adam said, waving his hands in the air. Barbara nodded at her husbands statement.
"I agree with Adam. We won't have him in any way associated with Lydia-"
"That sadly isn't for you Maitlands to decide. This is the Deetz girl's business. Now quiet down while I get to business." Juno said.
"But Juno-" Barbara went to speak, but Juno made a motion with her hand, and Barbara and Adam's lips sealed shut. Betelgeuse snorted, earning glares from the couple.
"Best trick you ever taught me, granny."
"Shut up and sit down." Juno said.
"Yes'm." Betelgeuse sat down on one of the filing cabinets, since Adam and Barbara took up the visitor's chairs. He found Lydia, who was still staring, and smirked. "Oh boy, Lyds. You filled out nice since we saw each other last. Hot damn!" His eyes landed on her chest, and she crossed her arms and glowered at him. "Likin' the outfit to. Looks like I rubbed off on ya." he said. Lydia glanced at her attire, then to his. Each wore stripes. Damn.
"Sh-shut up, creep." she stammered, and looked away from him.
"Aw, so cold." 'Geuse said, and turned to Juno. "What're these losers doin' here anyways?" he asked.
"Those two are just along to make sure she's okay. She's the only one we have any real business with." Juno said.
"Lyds? What's she gonna do? Please say I get to play with her..."
"Shut up, you idiot, before you seal your fate." Juno warned, and turned the clunky computer in front of her to face him. "You'll want to see this too, dear." she said to Lydia, and the girl walked forward to view the screen. Juno pushed a button on the keyboard, and a video popped up. It was of her and Betelgeus's wedding, and she curled her lip at the red dress.
"Ew, I have to see this?"
"That hurts me, babes." 'Geuse said with mock sadness. Lydia rolled her eyes as the video went on. When it got to the point where Betelgeuse covered her mouth, her hands were balled to fists.
'My name is Lydia Deetz and I am of sound mind. The man next to me is the one I want. You asked me, I'm answering, yes I love that man of mine.' he said in the video.
"Insufferable..." she muttered as 'Geuse burst into laughs.
"Oooh, that was fun. We should do it again." he said. Lydia spun on him.
"No, a thousand times no. I don't want to be anywhere near you and your insanity!"
"No need to do it again, anyway." Juno said. "You're already hitched."
"Hmmm?!" Barbara and Adam attempted to speak in unison, their mouths still sealed. Lydia and Betelgeuse each looked to Juno, mouths agape.
"Say what now?" Betelgeuse asked.
"Listen." Juno upped the volume on the video. The little impish reverend was speaking.
'I now pronounce you man and wi-' the vice was cut off by the crashing of a large sandworm into the alter and swallowing 'Geuse whole. He shivered. Juno rewinded it. '-ronounce you man and wife-'
Man and wife.
Married.
"The fuck is this shit?" Lydia spat. Barbara growled sternly at the girl's language. 'Geuse cocked an eyebrow in interest. "The fuck is this!?" Lydia kicked a cabinet as hard as she could, making it crash to the ground. She'd been married for three years to this...slime, and she'd just been informed. Reason to freak out? She certainly thought so.
"Don't you go trying to break my office too!" Juno yelled. Lydia turned lividly to Juno.
"Why haven't I been told about this?" she asked.
"I just found it while looking for something to help 'Geuse's case."
"I want an annulment." Lydia replied.
"I second that statement." 'Geuse said.
"Now hold on." Juno said. "The fact that you two are married is the only thing that's going to keep him from being exorcised."
"I would like to retract my previous comment, counselor." 'Geuse said quickly, his eyes widened with new panic.
"I won't. I want an annulment!" Lydia pressed. 'Geuse jumped from the cabinet and dropped to his knees before her.
"Lyds. Babes. Wifey. Light of my life. You gotta help a guy out. This is a matter of life or death-"
"You're already dead!" she yelled down at him, almost feeling slight pity at his sad state. The monster who nearly screwed up her life so harshly years ago, now begging on his knees. Saddening.
"Not 'exorcised' dead!" he yelled, grabbing her arms. "You're my only shot in this, babes!" She wrenched her arms free in disgust.
"No!"
"What'd I ever do to you to deserve this? Wait, don't answer that!" he said when she went to answer. He turned to Juno. "Work your magic, granny! Make her see things my way-"
"Shut it and calm down, the lot of you!" Juno shouted, silencing them all. "Now, Lydia-"
"I want an annulment." Lydia repeated.
"And we can get one for you-"
"What?!" 'Geuse asked, nearly falling over from her statement. She couldn't be serious.
"But," Juno went on, "first, I'd like to try and get you to recount your decision. I completely understand why you would want to fix this up with some papers and leave without ever looking at him again. I just need you to understand some things."
"Please explain, then." Lydia said, crossing her arms. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't unhitch myself from this trash." she said, pointing to 'Geuse. The Maitlands nodded at her words and looked to Juno expectantly. Juno sighed and put out her cigarette.
"Because, he'd be exorcised, as he's mentioned before." she said. Lydia cocked her head to the side in mild curiosity.
"What does that mean? Hasn't he already been removed from my house?" she asked.
"This isn't the kind of exorcism you see in your movies. The ghost doesn't just leave the house a go back to whatever pit he came from." Juno said. "They're removed permanently from the worlds of the Living and the Dead." she pointed to the Maitlands. "Remember what happened when that fatass summoned them into your dining room years ago? Remember the pain they experienced as even their ghostly form aged and began to crumble away into nothingness?" she asked. The Maitlands shivered then, and Lydia's eyes darkened as they all remembered that horrific evening.
"Yes..." she said quietly, gripping her arms guiltily. Juno nodded.
"Do you know what was really going on?" she asked Lydia shook her head shyly. "They were being exorcised. They weren't just returning to Netherworld. They were dying a second time, their souls slowly being sent to a place of eternal misery. The courts use it only in extreme cases against particularly unruly spirits. It's the place that coined the phrase 'a fate worse than death'." Juno answered. Lydia gritted her teeth. They'd never told her how severe that situation truly was. They'd told her they were just being sent away. She looked to them, and they averted their eyes from her, guilt from not being truthful plain on their faces.
"You didn't tell me that..." she muttered. Barbara looked to Juno for permission to speak. Juno snapped her fingers, and the Maitlands took a thankful breath.
"We didn't want to scare you, dear." Barbara said. Adam nodded in agreement.
"Besides, we're fine now. That's all that matters." he said.
"And who exactly is to be thanked for that?" Juno asked. Adam and Barbara quieted then, glancing once at the ghoul who was still on the floor. 'Guese's eyes widened a bit and he smiled with yellow teeth as he pointed to himself.
"Oh! It's me! It's me, right?!" he said, jumping to his feet.
"Yes, 'Geuse, you idiot..." Juno muttered, massaging her temples with her forefingers. 'Geuse sniffed nonchalantly and patted his stomach.
"All in a days work, I'm guessin'." he said.
"But then he sent Barbara to Limbo and knocked Adam to the floor as he tried to marry me!" Lydia piped up. 'Geuse flinched, and Juno lit another cigarette.
"Yes, an action which he succeeded in doing." she said. "But that's not the point!" she yelled before Lydia could speak again. "The point is what happened to the Maitlands is what's going to happen to him if you don't agree to help us out here with his case."
"And why shouldn't I let him be exorcised?" Lydia said. "I'm sure he deserves it!" Juno waved her hand side to side.
"Eh, more or less." she said. 'Geuse dropped to the floor again.
"Yer killin' me, granny..." he mumbled, his face flat against the rotting wood.
"Shut up." she said to him, then turned back to Lydia. "Despite what you believe, Lydia, 'Geuse doesn't deserve to be exorcised. Yes, he deserves a good couple thousand years in a tiny box and an attitude adjustment, but nothing so bad as an eternity in a realm of nothingness." she leaned forward, her elbows resting on the dusty desk as her eyes became grave. "Try to imagine it for a sec, being confined to a place where there is only misery, constantly searching for a small light of comfort in the eternal damning darkness and finding none." her voice said hollowly. Lydia swallowed thickly, a shiver creeping up her spine as she attempted to understand something so awful. How could something such as that exist? She looked over to 'Guese, who had sat up from the floor, his hands propped behind him to keep him upright. His eyes were lightless as he stared downward. He must have been imagining it too, that fate which was so close to being his. And she was his only hope. Wonderful.
"H-how am I supposed to keep him from going there?" she asked. Juno quirked a grey brow. "It's not like I care or anything..." she said quickly. "But I'm just curious..." Juno regarded her and sighed.
"Since you are hitched, and you're the Breather of the two, his twisted little soul technically belongs to you." she said. 'Geuse's gaze snapped up to Juno then.
"What?!" he and Lydia both asked in complete bewilderment. Juno raised her hands.
"It's true. I don't make the rules here. Even though something as crazy as this never happens, there's still a rule for in in case it does." She pulled out a ragged green book labeled 'Netherworld Marriage and You: A Guide to Married Life After Death', and opened it to a bookmarked page to read. "If two souls are united in matrimony, and one soul still belongs to the Land of the Living, then the soul of the deceased spouse is henceforth placed under the strict responsibility and caring of the living spouse. It is then the living spouse's responsibility to keep the deceased spouse from outing the existing of the Netherworld, since the soul of the deceased spouse is now lawfully the living spouse's personal property until death takes him/her. Should the living spouse fail at their responsibility, the marriage will be considered void and the soul of the deceased spouse with no longer be under his/her care." Juno finished reading and looked up at Lydia and 'Geuse. Their faces were priceless, and she would have laughed if the situation wasn't so serious.
"So..." 'Geuse finally said, "My soul belongs to her?" he pointed to Lydia. Juno nodded.
"Yup. Your soul is henceforth on a short leash, hun." she said, and cracked a smile. Lydia looked to him, slight interest on her face. She pointed to the floor.
"Sit..." she said. He narrowed his eyes at her then.
"I ain't yer fuckin' dog, babes..." he said. "So don't go tryin' any stupid shit..." Lydia frowned at looked to Juno.
"You said I'm supposed to keep him from acting up and outing your world to mine?" she asked, and Juno nodded. "How am I supposed to do that when he does only what he wants? He's insane!" she said, and crossed her arms. "I don't want to have to deal with that. I have enough on my plate with school. I don't need him to distract me and embarrass me in front of the entire living and dead worlds." she said, and lowered her chin. "I'm not going to help him."
A dead silence filled the room. Nothing seemed to move as Juno stared hard at Lydia for several hard moments. She finally lifted her cigarette to her mouth and nodded sadly.
"Is that your final decision, Deetz?" she asked as smoke seeped from her throat. Lydia clenched her fists.
"Yes, yes that's my decision." she said. She didn't look as 'Geuse slumped against one of the many filing cabinets, his hands in his pants pockets as he stared at her. He twitched his lips into a tiny smile.
"You got some backbone, Lyds." he said weakly. "Kind of a turn on..." Lydia furrowed her brow and went for the door. The Maitlands got up to follow. As she gripped the door handle, she felt the world around her shift. In moments, she and her colleagues were once again in their home, the door handle she was gripping now belonging to the broom closet instead of Juno's office. She released it, and backed away, feeling a heavy weight on her shoulders. Was that guilt? Biting her lip, she crossed her arms and shook her head.
"He deserves it..." she said, and looked to Barbara and Adam. "Doesn't he?" she asked. They both looked to each other.
"It doesn't even matter, Lydia..." Barbara said, and walked forward to place a ghostly hand on the girl's shoulder. "We care only for your well-being. A responsibility such as keeping that ghoulish creep in line would do nothing but make you suffer."
"And we don't want that for you." Adam said as he wiped his glasses on his shirt. That wasn't the answer Lydia was hoping for, and she dropped her arms to her sides, the guilt rising.
"What did it feel like, being on that table, your souls being sent to that place Juno talked about?" she asked. Barbara took in a small sharp breath at the question, and shifted her gaze from the girl to the ground. Adam had stopped wiping his glasses, and stared blankfaced into nothingness as he appeared to be recalling the experience. Neither ghost provided an answer. "It was that bad, huh?" Lydia asked with a small voice. Snapping from her state, Barbara gave a hesitant smile and patted Lydia on the head as she always did when she wanted to change the subject.
"Let's not talk about the past, okay? Now I think you have some homework to catch up on. I'll go start on dinner." she said, and walked hurriedly through the wall that lead to the kitchen. Lydia turned to Adam, who froze when he realized he was left with her.
"I-uh...uh, appointment...uh...models...yeah..." he stammered before she could ask him more questions, and dropped through the floor, leaving her by herself with her thoughts.
"Suffer in silence, as they say..." she muttered, and turned to walk to her room. As she turned however, she came face to face with Juno, and her eyes widened in surprise. Juno huffed at Lydia's lack of a reaction.
"Used to scare the shit out of people like that. Must be losing my edge..." she said, and placed a fresh cigarette in her mouth. Lydia shrugged.
"Maybe it's just because I'm used to ghosts and ghouls sneaking up on me..." she said. Juno lit the cigarette and nodded, staring at the girl skeptically for several long silent minutes. Lydia cocked her head to the side. "Uh...did you need something?" she asked. Juno nodded slowly and took a drag from the cigarette, saying nothing. Lydia huffed. "Can you tell me what it is? If it's about 'Geuse-"
"Yeah it's about 'Geuse-"
"Then the answer is 'no', I already told you I want nothing to do with that freak-"
"What if I was to make a deal with ya?" Juno cut her off. Lydia paused, her brow furrowing.
"What?" she asked. What kind of deal could this woman possibly offer?
"If you agree to put up with the scumbag then I'll let you roam Netherworld freely." Juno said. Lydia was tunned by the statement.
"Wha...?" she muttered.
"You heard me. If you agree to keep 'Geuse from getting sent to that miserable place, then I'll let you roam the Land of the Dead as much as you wish. I know you love it there, kid. Don't ya wanna see how things work on the other side of the coin?" Juno asked. Lydia clenched her fists. To walk the Netherworld. She'd often dreamed of that since she'd found out about it. It was her ultimate wish to experience that place. To walk those streets. Were there even streets? Or did everyone float around? Juno was offering an answer, and Lydia too a long breath in an attempt to calm herself. She'd never felt this giddy.
'Would it be worth it, though?'
Her voice of reason brought her back down from her neon cloud as an image of who she'd be dealing with flashed in her mind. Her jaw set, and she shook her head.
"No. I can't do it. I'm sorry." she said. She looked up to Juno, expecting the woman's signature stony expression. She was surprised when she was presented with the smallest of smiles.
"Don't apologize. I understand." the ghost said quietly. Lydia frowned.
"Why, Juno? Why are you trying so hard for that...that..." Juno held up an aged hand to stop her.
"What can I say, kid? When you work with someone like 'Geuse for as long as I have, you can't help but grow a small attachment. Me and him, we've seen some shit, but that's another story for a different day. Like I said, he may deserve the beating of a deathtime, but nobody deserves the fate he's being dealt. So he knocked a few heads together and played a few unorthodox tricks. Does that really warrant him worthy of eternity in a closet?" she asked. Lydia couldn't help but feel a grandmother vibe coming from the caseworker. Hadn't he called her 'granny' before?
"I'm sorry that you may lose your friend, Juno." she said calmly. "But it's still no. Who knows what he could do next? There's a good reason for why he's being sent there, I'm sure. I won't protest."
"Yeah, I figured ya wouldn't budge." Juno dropped the cigarette and crushed it with her gray shoe. She clapped her hands together once and heaved a breath. "I'll leave ya to it then. See ya at the heiring." she said, and turned to leave.
"What?!" Lydia grabbed Juno's arm. "The heiring? I have to go to that?" she asked. Juno acted surprised at herself for forgetting and feigned a look of shock.
"Oh yes! I had forgotten. All of the 'victims' of 'Geuse's antics are going to be there to witness his exorcism should be be found guilty. Since you are considered a victim, the court is ordering your attendance. I'll see ya in a week! Buh-bye!" and with that, Juno disappeared before Lydia could blink. Lydia gritted her teeth and punched the air where Juno had previously stood before stomping off to her room.
Her homework was definitely not going to help her get her mind off of this.