Chapter 4: Chapter 4 The conversation

Sherlock was on his way back to his flat being alone in the home of a stranger felt wrong. He was so done with running away, Baker Street was his home. John and he hadn´t spoken a word since John left and he hated it, it was his own fault how John choose to leave and now he had it.
Since they were both too stubborn to call or text he didn´t even know if John was back. If he was Sherlock knew he was in deep troubles. He sighed before unlocking the big black door heading upstairs inside his flat he slipped out his coat and scarf. He felt a hand on his shoulder and before he knew it he was slammed up against the wall

"Now where the hell have you been" John hissed
"Ohh you are back, since when?" He gasped
"Since yesterday, now that you ask" His hand held Sherlock´s neck roughly, his cheek plastered to the wall.
"I see, do you mind to let me go? He snapped, struggling to get lose from John´s firm grip.
"No! At least not yet, now where have you been?" He bit
"I am not telling you as long as you have me plastered to the wall" He bit back
"Of cause, you won´t talk what did I expect from you"
" Why don´t you tell me, John, because quite frankly I don´t know what you were expecting from me"
"Shut the fuck up! You left without a note for me" He stepped away from him
" Yeah I did, because I needed to get away" He fixed his suit
"I see, you needed to get away. You just left without thinking about me and when I got back" He huffed
"I did John. I couldn´t stand being here but that doesn´t necessarily mean I wasn´t thinking about you" He sighed. The guilt hit him hard he should have left a note or at least send a text.
"I find it very hard to believe now I haven´t heard from you" he sat down in his chair watching Sherlock.
"Hmmm…well you been so very quiet yourself. It´s nice to be back" He sat down but he stood up again "Want a cuppa?" He asked trying to ease the tension, what a dull attempt. The truth would be so much better but he didn´t know how to tell.
" A Cuppa? Sure why not, we do have some issues that we need to solve" He glared at him you are not getting away this time. I heard you late at night. He saw how smoothly Sherlock went to the kitchen "Are you seeing someone?" He blurted out. Fuck John did you forget how to think?
In the kitchen John´s word had him freeze, seeing someone no not exactly. Why did he ask such a question anyway? He trudged back to the living room with the tray placing it on the coffee table. John was there the same second he took a mug.
"So tell me, Sherlock, why did you leave? Don´t lie to me I want the truth"
"Why is it so important to you? I mean you left because of me and my behavior. So why leave a note?"
"Why it´s important to me, Hmmm…why leave a note because that´s what friends do! He almost yelled.
Those words made Sherlock shiver, not that Jim´s words had been the same but pretty close "I´m sorry for being so inconsiderate John"
"Yeah, and you should be! We are bloody friends or that´s what I thought" He huffed
"Stop it, off cause we are friends, we are both here aren't we? He sipped his tea
"Yes we are, but the way you were acting before I left, does tell me you are hiding something from me"
"I am not hiding anything, why would I do that?"
"You tell me because that´s how it feels like"
"Why did you ask if I´m seeing someone? You very well know how it´s not my area" he tried to change the subject
Damnit why did he have to blurt out like that, are you trying to avoid the issue by changing the subject, I believe so, John narrowed his eyes was it time to confront Sherlock?
"I very well know that Sherlock you told me more than once. Yet time has changed so perhaps your view on that particular area changed too, but what do I know about what goes on inside your head" He sighed
"I can assure you I´m not seeing anyone if I did you would have known as the very first. Hence you are living here"
"Hmmm…indeed I am, indeed" But who is that J then, John thought to place his mug on the table, he leaned forward. "Tell me who J is then. Don´t lie to me and deny everything. I heard you Sherlock late at night" He was paying attention to him
"I have no idea what you implying here John, could you be a bit more specific?" He became nervous now and very nervous, John heard him obviously, stay calm Sherlock
"I was sort of expecting such an answer from you, now you are lying to me. I heard you Sherlock" He snarled
"Now why are you eavesdropping on me late at night, it does make me think if it´s done on purpose or by a coincidence"
"I am not standing outside your bedroom door listening if that´s what you are implying. It was a coincidence when I was up and couldn´t sleep. But you moaned the letter J in your sleep or…
"Or what John can you tell me that?" He watched him
"Well…those moans were filled with lust, so I assumed you…erhmm… could, in fact, be pleasuring yourself having this J on your mind" He blushed
"Are you jealous John?" He watched him. John knew something was up and he couldn´t keep on denying it
"Jealous? Now why would I be jealous that is absurd" He hissed
"Is it now? You do sound like you are, it doesn´t suit you"
"Is that really so? Now, who is J, can you be so honest and tell me. You did say we are friends" He glared at him, his comment about him being jealous did hit him harder than he expected. He was so deeply hurt and not a man is jealous. He did not have any feelings towards Sherlock.
"Sometimes it does happen friends are keeping issues to themselves. Did you consider this J is no one? Yes, you heard me moan the letter J, but it was a dream, John. There´s no one in my life"
"Hmm…well I still don´t believe you not this time. I heard it more than once"
"As I figured, a coincidence all the time off cause as you told me. So what if I have been pleasing myself do you have a problem with that, do you to want to please me, John?"
"No, I do not could you just stop it! Now that you are asking it had me think an awful lot, first one coming to mind was Janine. If you could be dating or started to talk again I mean you could be" he stood up starting to pace the floor.
"I even had myself as one how stupid is that we are friends and there´s nothing more to it. Then another person hit me it´s horrible to even think it" He sat down again having a sip of his tea.
"No, I am not seeing or talking to Janine. So you were thinking about if it could be you I dreamt and fantasizing about? Hmmm interesting"
"You find it interesting how I have been thinking about myself, that you were pleasing yourself while having me on your mind. You did please yourself didn´t you?"
"Erhmmm…yes I did now that you are so eager to know"
"But fact is that I was never on your mind or in those dreams. We are talking about someone else, could be someone I don´t even know"
"Yes, it could be but it´s not" He sipped his tea he knew he had to tell.
"I did have someone else on my mind, the worst ever" He lowered his eyes
"Who is that person John can you tell me who the worst are for you?"
No way out, not a chance Sherlock would be so honest to tell it. John took a long deep breath "James, Sherlock." He couldn´t say more not at this point anyway, the ball was passed on to Sherlock.
He stared at John knowing very well he had to come up with something a lie or be honest."James? But he is dead" He stood up pacing the floor how to tell such a horrible thing, he went to the window "Unless his death been a hoax John, if so James is very much a life. The reason why I left"
"Did you leave because of James and not knowing if he is a live or not. How much do you know?" John stared at him
"No I do not know anything John. Those dreams…me pleasuring myself was about him, or better say they are about him"
"So you are still having them?"
Sherlock kept standing by the window "Yes I do John and they are getting more intense more intimate"
"Do I have to listen to this? I want to help you the best way that I can" he sighed
"I only have you to talk to John. I have this sinister feeling how he is out there somewhere. He is waiting John, waiting for the right moment to show up or do whatever he planned. He could be waiting for me to contact him" he sighed
"Could you sit down please?"
"Yes off cause I can" He sat down again
"Honestly I feel the same way. James is in fact a live and like you say he is waiting"
"Waiting for me, at some point we will be face to face again, the question is when"
"So do you want to meet him again?"
"I have to John, unfinished business. We do have some issues here and I have no other choice than talk to him"
"But why Sherlock? You owe him nothing at all" He leaned forward "Are you saying there´s more to those dreams than you have been sharing with me now. Do I even dare to ask you this question?
"Ask me what? Ask away now we are talking I might as well be honest"
"Might as well? I cannot believe it you still want to keep it a secret?"
"I certainly do not, now that is nonsense John"
"All right fine then, I will go on and ask you and you better be honest"
"Go on" he connected his fingers under his chin penetrating John with his eyes
"So I take you do enjoy having the dreams, you are a little to calm about us having this conversation, which I never thought we should have"
"Just get to the point before I change my mind"
"Ok fine" He cleared his throat "Are you in love with James?"
"What if I am?" he didn´t care about anything right now "and wanted the dreams to be happen?"
"What if, I can´t use that one Sherlock. Are you in love and do you really want James?" He almost yelled
"I this particular case, I have to say yes"
"I cannot believe this is actually happening. You love James and want him to fuck you" John rose again he had to breath.
"You do find it very hard and I understand, but you did ask and now you know"
"You gone completely out of your freaking mind, you are insane. You don´t even know what he wants if he is even a live"
"You don´t know what he wants, he could in fact feel the very same thing. He is waiting for it to happen, just as I am"
"You don´t know what you are talking about. One thing I know now is how much you want James" John felt dizzy "You are in love, in a dead man if he is dead"
"I am certain he is a live and I can´t tell you why. You just told me how you feel the same"
"Yeah, that is true I can´t explain it but something tells me he is a live"
"You must hate me for my confession, I don´t know why it´s happening now"
"Hate you. Ohhh Sherlock I could never hate you. Perhaps you fell for him when you first met him or the feelings started to grow but you been in denial all the time"
"I never knew I had feelings towards anyone, I´m always busy and being in love never been my area as you know"
"Yeah I know, well I guess you won´t sit here and wait for something to happen but investigate the whole situation. You do have your eyes and ears around London"
"They are already on it John, but he is hiding very well. I don´t know anything yet but I will. I even considered to call or text him while I been away but I didn't" He sighed
"It´s absurd, you can have anyone but you want Jim" John could see it in his eyes, the love and need for Jim. You better be a live and want Sherlock as much. He shivered by thinking it
"I can´t John you know how I am. I don´t want anyone John"
"You can Sherlock don´t argue with me. You really do love him"
"Yeah I do. If I had known or paid attention the situation might have been different same if Jim had been honest, if he feels anything at all"
"You know what, you could text or call. I mean if there is anything at all, he will get back to you"
"Do you think so? Hmm..perhaps I should" He glares at the phone but he can´t do it "No, the time is wrong I can feel it.
"Well then you wait until it feels right"
"I have to none of us are ready yet. I have to unpack so will you excuse me"
"Yeah sure, you never got the chance because I attacked you"
"Yeah you did" He smiled lightly
"Now leave then I will make some dinner for us" He smiled and watched Sherlock leave to unpack.