TW: DEPICTIONS OF PANIC ATTACKS AND SLIGHT MENTIONS OF SUICIDE

I feel light.

I slowly flutter my eyes open and I start to question why I'm on the ground.

Did I faint?

No, it was them again. They pushed me hard enough this time where I got knocked out.

It's getting worse.

Don't tell Pidge.

Or Matt.

Or Mama.

Get up and clean yourself up.

Don't let them see the weak parts of yourself.

I unstuck myself from the pavement. I was still at school when they got me.

I'm so stupid. Of course, they waited till I started walking home. Fuck.

I can't go home like this, so instead I make the walk of shame back into the school. The hallways were still brightly lit, but no one was in sight when I entered. No one was in the bathroom either, so I take the time to wash my face. I have a new cut on my cheek, but this isn't the first time.

Makeup is another best friend of mine.

After I finish applying the concealer, I take a closer look at myself.

Why can't I be normal?

BEEP BEEP BEEP

My heart thumps wildly as my eyes shot open wide. I feel sticky from sweat and my stomach wants to not exist. Why did I have that flashback? Why did I have that specific day come back at me? I feel my rib cage tighten as my body starts to shake with an oncoming sobbing session. With my head in my knees, I continue to cry quietly trying so hard to wipe away all the hot liquid pouring from my face.

Loud buzzing comes from the left of me, and I know it's Keith calling. I can't let him hear me like this, so I let it go to voicemail. I'm so sorry Keith, I'm so so sorry.

I have to call Pidge.

I grab my phone, and already Keith has texted me.

Special K to Baby Blue: Hey are you up?

I don't reply. I click on Pidge's contact and press the call button. After three rings Pidge answers.

"What the fuck Lance. I had like ten more minutes before I had to get up."

My throat feels so blocked, that when I tried to speak I just made a choking sound. I heard shuffling on Pidge's end.

"Lance? Lance are you okay?"

I try to inhale, but it's so hard to breathe that I end up breaking down into more tears.

"Lance I'll be there as fast as I can, okay? Just continue to cry and I will be there soon."

I somehow made a humming sound giving Pidge the okay, and they hung up. I put my phone down and I shove my face into my pillow sobbing again. I am so weak. It was only a dream, yet I'm reacting so badly to this. I thought I was over this?

My anxiety gets worse whenever my phone buzzes. I know its all Keith. It just is. I'm being a terrible fucking boyfriend and I don't deserve him. I never did deserve him.

I'm already on the bus ride to school with Hunk, and Lance still hasn't answered my texts or calls. Something is seriously wrong.

"Keith, I'm sure he is fine. Maybe he slept in by accident?"

"No, he couldn't have. He can barely sleep as it is and he is an extremely light sleeper. Something is wrong I can feel it Hunk. Do you think I should try calling Pidge?"

"Not a bad idea."

I find the conversation that Pidge and I have and I click the call button. I thought the phone would have gone to voicemail, but Pidge picked up at the last second.

"Hey, Keith. It's okay he's going to be fine."

Wait, so there was something wrong?

"What happened?"

"He woke up with a panic attack, but he's fine now. I calmed him down enough and I got Matt to call him in sick for today. Right now he is eating and watching cartoons."

A panic attack?

"Pidge, is panic attacks frequent with Lance?"

I know Pidge is hesitant with their answer, but they continue to explain.

"Not as frequent as before, but yes this does happen every once in a while. They aren't as bad as this one is though so I'm going to take care of him for the day. I put his phone away for now, but I'm sure once he feels better again he will call you. Also please don't push him to talk about his feelings. He will tell you everything once he's ready, okay?"

We exchanged a few more words before I clicked out of the call. If I could ask for absolutely anything it would be to be with Lance right now. Not here on a bus in Texas going to school.

I guess all I can do is wait for Lance to call me.

I feel exhausted.

That was probably one of my worst panic attacks ever and it was caused by a dream no less. The dream was a memory, specifically the last time I got beat up. My dream ended in the bathroom, but when I woke up my memory continued.

I remember when I got home my mom had already made chili. I sat with all my other siblings and both my parents as we talked about our day. I didn't say anything except that it was fine. Diego back then finally could speak proper words and never stopped talking, and Mariana was super into finger painting. Rex had finally saved up enough money to buy a motorcycle and Jonesy had just got fired from Culvers in our local mall.

We laughed throughout our eating, but I continued to pick around the meat in the chili and eat the beans instead while nodding my head. I just remember thinking in my head that I can continue like this and everything will be fine.

Obviously, it wasn't.

I went to my room that night and thought about... well, you know. I called Pidge and I decided to tell them everything. I remember crying a lot, and I remember how angry Pidge was.

Everything after that became such a blur. My life turned around so quickly when I told my family about who I am, and when my middle school bullies got what they deserved.

Things are better now.

I still have Pidge in my life. They are not going anywhere and Pidge's family is also my own family. I have four amazing siblings and two fantastic parents that have supported me since I came out. Finally, I have one heck of a beautiful boyfriend who cares about me.

Lance, you have come a long way and you will continue to be better and better.

Be proud of yourself.

"Hey Lance, how are you feeling?"

Pidge came back from their phone conversation, and I can tell Pidge is still a little freaked out from earlier. I was sorta on the floor in the fetal position.

"I'm doing a lot better now, thank you."

They sit next to me on the couch. All of my siblings are out either at school or their job (in Jonesy's case finding a job) and my parents are outside on the farm. Matt is also here, but he is helping outside as well.

"Well, I'm glad you're doing okay. Just to let you know though it was Keith who called me. I told him you were fine and that you will call him when you're ready."

"Thank you Pidge. I do feel shitty that I ignored him, but honestly, in the moment, I didn't trust him enough to see that side of me yet. I do care about him a lot, but I'm still not that close with him like I am with you. Maybe one day I will be, but this is all still new."

Pidge wraps their arms around me into a hug.

"Ya' know, I appreciate that you trust me more than someone you just met about a month ago."

"Yeah, I'm glad to... You know, Spring Break is coming up soon. We should plan something."

Every year Pidge and I do a Harry Potter marathon for Spring Break, but we also do something else on the side.

"Yeah, we should. How about a Lord of the Rings marathon?"

"Now we're talking. Maybe we should start early?"

Pidge laughs as they make their way to the large cabinet where my LOTR collection is.

Red_Red_Red: Waiting is one of my failed hobbies

I kept drumming my fingers on the desk as people continue to take their tests. I already turned mine in, thanks to Lance teaching me everything I know. I look down at the NASA hoodie that I'm currently wearing and I sigh.

All I want is to hear his voice. The only thing that's keeping me sane is the smell of chlorine and scrolling through Tumblr. There are no new posts from Lance, but I think he is doing okay right now.

I think I'm doing okay as well. Yes, I yearn for his voice, but I trust that Pidge is taking care of him and that Lance will contact me soon, if not sometime today.

Hunk was nice enough to invite me over to play some video games to take my mind off of everything and I happily accepted. I'm excited to beat him in Smash and Mario Kart after school. Maybe we could also bake something?

A person to the right of me shuffles out of their desk to turn in their test and it breaks me away from my current thought. It seems like everyone is done except for the ones who didn't study. I'm glad that I can fit that cookie cut of a smart Asian thanks to Lance. If only I could do better in History... Maybe Lance is good at History too?

The bell rings throughout the school, and I make my way out of the class andrush myself to the other side of the school for my Economics class.

It's well after 5:00 in the evening and Pidge and I are dying. We thirsted over Legolas practically all day. Once my siblings got home they all joined in on our little marathon and it got way too overcrowded, so Pidge and I called it. Pidge and Matt left shortly after, and I retreated into my room ready to call Keith.

The first thing I noticed was that there were no new texts from him. There was just the ones from this morning on my phone. The second thing I notice is that Keith posted a lot on Tumblr today and I can't wait to go through them all tonight before bed. I click the call button anxious to hear his voice again.

"...Lance?"

"Hey, babe. Sorry, I went AFK, but I'm back now."

I hear shuffling and words on Keith's end. It sounds like he is with Hunk at the moment.

"Oh did I interrupt you and Hunk?"

"No, you didn't. We just ended a Smash match it's okay."

Silence ensues.

"So um, are you feeling better?"

I wish Keith could see me smile.

"Yep! I'm doing a lot better. Honestly, though it was a bad panic attack, but after everything I had a kick ass day with my Pidgey, so everything is good."

"That's good... You know if you ever want to talk about that with me you can, but if you don't I understand."

I already know the answer to this.

"I have been thinking Keith, and as much as I would like to say I know everything about you I really don't."

"What do you mean?"

"What I mean is that when I was panicking you just so happen to start calling me. It scared the shit out of me and in that moment I wanted Pidge more than anything. It made me realize that you had no idea about the bad sides of me even if I verbally told you everything."

"Okay, I see what you're saying. I guess I haven't been sharing my bad points either..."

"Exactly! Like I know you've told me that you're quick to anger, but I've never seen you angry!"

"That's... Really true actually holy shit."

"Yeah, I don't think this is necessarily bad though. It just means that I get to look forward to unlocking more parts of you even if they are considered bad. Like I've been considered very annoying from time to time and I can't wait to annoy the shit out of you to where you get angry Now that's what I call bonding!"

Keith's laugh rings in my ear.

"You know, not only are you very smart but you're also very wise Lance."

"Meh I am only allowed to be wise two times a year and this was my second use. Back to being naive again."

Keith laughs again and I could hear that forever. We talk only a bit about how our days were before we both decided to hang up.

There is so much I need to learn about Keith, but I have all the time in the world so I don't mind one bit.

Friendly reminder that bros before hoes is real~

Sorry for legit being away for 5ever. College hit me like a bus and I was also said bus driver lmao. I am right now not doing my math homework so fight me.

Anyways, it's a short ass chapter I know, but the upcoming chapter will progress the story so much further and I can't wait to write it and for you guys to read it!

Until then enjoy!

Alexa10110- Miraculous Ladybug is my life *cough I totally made a crossover fic check it out*

Someone- Oh geez this is such a flip flopped review? Thanks for liking the fluff, as for my storytelling I haven't even gotten to the huge arc that I want so buckle up buttercup,,,

Wolf of the Demise- Huh I like the idea, who knows what I'll do in future chapters .

wiseowl99-YES I ALWAYS NEED HELP WITH MY SPANISH PLS MESSAGE ME

magicmady- HECK YEAH THANKS FOR THE LOVE,,, THERE WILL BE SO MUCH MORE FLUFF FOR YOU

The Best Guesst- Ayyeee finally I got an official title B) Master of Fluff I shall be

Seijiro Dazai- AHHH thanks for following my Tumblr! I followed you as well! (Also cute aggression is my middle name I stg)

Estella Hughes- BOI I WILL FIGHT FOR BOTH KIM AND DANNY THEY ARE MINE

Lindsey Winchester-*coughreadmycrossoverficcough*