We were supposed to be studying muggle politics. Immersing ourselves in the day to day working of their ministry. Instead I found herself speaking to a boy who looked around my age. Well, speaking might have been misleading verbiage. We were flirting. I couldn't remember ever giggling like this. I probably would have made fun of a girl who was doing the same- in fact, I probably had, probably one of the girls fawning over bloody Malfoy.
This boy was named Lucas and he was a muggle and his father had gotten him the internship with the Minister's office. His father was apparently a very important person. Lucas did a funny impression of his father's haughtiness.
"So you don't want to go into politics then?" I asked, leaning even closer to look into his eyes, eyes that were warm and a magnificent shade of green. I studied his handsome features, committing the curve of his nose and the length of his eyelashes. He laughed easily. In a muggle romantic comedy, I'm sure that his laugh would have been perfect but I couldn't help but note that it was a little breathy, even nasally. If he wasn't so damn charming, it might have been annoying.
"No, it will kill my pop but it's just never been in the cards for me- wait, you have an eyelash." Lucas paused and leaned in close. I blushed furiously. My heart was thumping in my ears. Usually only Malfoy gets this reaction for me, much aided by anger. But this time it was all sweetness and butterflies. Lucas lightly brushed his thumb along my cheek and then held it in front of me, his thumb pad adorned by my eyelash. "Make a wish, sunshine." I closed her eyes and blew lightly. SIhe didn't wish for anything- my mind too occupied with the nickname he'd given me. When I opened my eyes, I felt a little dazed but he continued on with the discussion of his career plans.
"What about you, Rose? What's your big dream?" He asked with a sincerity that made my stomach swoop. I did have one. Of course. But it wasn't like I could explain the concept of charms to a muggle. Sensing my reluctance, he urged me, "Oh I promise I won't laugh. Besides, I know I've only known you a short while but.. I'm positive you could do whatever you set your mind to. You, you are brilliant, Rose Weasley."
"Miss Weasley!" I was snapped out of my reverie. I was left with a cold feeling, an empty feeling, a feeling of what-if. "Miss Weasley, do I need to repeat the question?" Professor Scola asked me. I looked nervously down at my textbook. I hadn't been paying attention for the entirety of Ancient Runes.
"Er, I'm sorry, Professor." I blushed furiously. Not from butterflies like the daydream. From embarrassment, made all that much worse by Malfoy attempting to cover his laughter as a cough.
"What was Yuri Bilshen's primary contribution to the study of Ancient Runes?" Professor Scola asked without amusement or any other seemingly human emotion. I'd always wondered why she taught. She did not seem to like students very much. And that's coming from me! I get along with every teacher! I answered her easily. I had done the assigned reading weeks ago, my fourth reading of it as I had read the whole book once during the summer, another read through the first few chapters on the train to refresh, and twice the assigned sections to prepare for today's class. Much use my preparation was if I was going to be hopelessly distracted during class.
I had been like this for the past week and a half. It did not make for a good start to the semester. But every time I looked down at a textbook my mind transformed the letters to his handwriting, forcing me to think about the envelope awaiting me in my room. Nothing had gone beyond platonic in physical terms- I'm not that terrible. I wouldn't cheat on Miles. You cheated on him with your heart, you bitch. I sighed. That voice in my head was getting more insistent. And correct. I was pretty sure I had fallen in love with Lucas. I was pretty sure he at least felt something for me. But we could never be together. And we shouldn't. He had a life that was fun and lighthearted and he had big dreams and a big heart. A witch with a temper and a perfection complex did not fit into that life. Besides, I had Miles. Miles was good! He was patient and he got me flowers like a boyfriend is supposed to. You hate flowers! Okay, that voice was getting seriously annoying.
"Uh, Weasley? Hello?" Malfoy's disparaging voice interrupted my stream of consciousness. We were now in the charms classroom but class did not start for another ten minutes. There was only a few students sprinkled throughout the room so far.
"What Malfoy!?" I snapped, annoyed at him, my thoughts, and if I was being totally honest, at Miles and Lucas for being too good for me.
"I said, you obtuse woman, we should get the word out about the prefect's meeting tomorrow." Malfoy replied. Ugh. What an absolute git. An absolute git you'd like to bend you over and- Oh, fuck off.
"We should do it tonight." I told Malfoy. We then had an argument about whether or not tonight was enough notice and why a day mattered that much. At least I could count on Malfoy to distract me with his extreme talent of burrowing under my skin and making every argument that opposed my own.
"Fine! Let's compromise! We will hold two meeting to give people the option. You run tomorrow's, I will run tonight's." I finally conceded. We were head students after all. We had to live up to some standards of working alongside one another.
"That's horribly inefficient but by all means, create more work for yourself." Malfoy commented before walking over to his desk next to Holly Trace who practically threw herself at him as he sat down. That's probably exactly what you looked like this summer. I, Rose Granger Weasley, was officially losing it. At this discomforting thought, I decided that enough was enough. I had spent too much time wondering what that letter contained; out of fear, out of excitement, out of immaturity surely.
I had made that decision Thursday afternoon. But Thursday night when I returned to my dorm, Scorpius and Albus were in the common room along with some other Slytherin guys. They were too loud for me to have this moment, I told myself. Friday morning I couldn't because I woke up a few minutes late and needed to rush through my normal routine. I sat in Herbology almost twenty minutes early, realizing that I was yet again making excuses. Friday night I had promised Roxy and Natalie Chapman (a Ravenclaw girl who Roxy was quite good friends with and by extension I was as well) that I would have a girl's night with them to get a break from the already overbearing NEWT level work. Saturday had been spent doing Heads' work with Malfoy that took an excruciatingly long amount of time due to our difficulty cooperating (rather his ability to compromise). Sunday was spent preparing for the onslaught of this week's classes.
So it was now Monday morning. I lay in bed with my eyes still closed but my hands strumming the envelope that lays on my chest, feeling ten times heavier than it should. I could hear Malfoy rustling around in the common room and my annoyance hiked up for a second as it always does when it comes to Malfoy. I took a couple deep breaths to refocus on the task at hand- or rather the letter on hand.
In that moment, I really had to wonder if the Sorting Hat had gone looney. Gryffindors were brave. I was having to scrape up the bravery to open a letter from a boy I fancy. I heard voices outside in the common room. Before curiosity got the better of me to go figure out what was going on, there was a swift knock on my door.
"Weasel, your boy toy is out here. I'm not your butler, you let him in." Malfoy said from behind my door. I huffed and stuck the envelope under my pillow. After the wave of frustration rolled over me I let out a laugh at my predicament, one without much humor. Right now Lucas' letter lay behind me, Malfoy was right outside my door, and Miles, my boyfriend, the only one who should matter, was waiting to come inside.
I recovered and opened my door where an ever-so-casual Malfoy was laying on the couch, thumbing through the Prophet. I rolled my eyes at him before meeting Miles at the portrait. My stomach dropped when I saw he had roses for me. Miles was always finding reasons to celebrate little things in our relationship. I had forgotten our one year anniversary- I used the pressure of end of year exams but really I was just lousy at remembering those details.
"Good morning Rosie! I just wanted to pop in and see if you wanted to get breakfast." He offered, I furrowed my brow. We did usually eat together after all. "And I wanted to give you these. You know, it's been a year since you said you loved me back!" He handed the bouquet over to me. I smiled at him.
"Miles, you're so great!" I hugged him with one arm, my other being occupied. He returned the affection with enthusiasm. It was the first time since coming back that I felt a little flutter in my stomach. And I felt a little better knowing that. Maybe I still had a chance of that nice little life with the white picket fence and watching my little boys on kid broomsticks as Miles and I chuckled together. With that thought in mind, I pulled his face towards mine and kissed him with purpose. His lips moved against mine hesitantly, a little more than usual. I realized why when Malfoy let out a low wolf whistle. I had forgotten we had a bloody audience. I detached myself from Miles' lips and had my wand at my Malfoy quicker than you can say Blushing Weasley. Unfortunately, Malfoy had a quick reaction time and was up in a second with his wand pointing at me.
"Really, Weasley, you have a bedroom. I don't need to see the two of you lip fucking." Malfoy said.
"You absolute snake! I am so tired of your vulgarity!" I exclaimed, whipping around to face the Slytherin. Behind my anger, I heard Miles sigh.
"I mean, can't you all just do whatever it is you two do in your bedroom? So you don't infect our shared living space!" Malfoy shot back.
"Bloody hell, as if you don't have a new slag in here every weekend. We're not the ones infecting anything! You ought to get checked." My reply was met with a snort.
"Jealous, are we?" Malfoy said. I pretended to gag in response. "Weasley, tut tut. That's not very ladylike." Hex him. Hex him right in his pretty face. But instead of pulling out my wand, my body reacted before my brain and slapped him. And then I felt Miles' arms pull me back. All I could focus on was the swing of Malfoy's face to the side and his eyes that seemed like rocks but on fire. He was pissed and I couldn't help the satisfaction rising in me. It wasn't all that often that I was able to knock Malfoy of his pedestal of calm cockiness. I wanted to revel in it but Malfoy was all too talented at pulling back his emotions. We were the opposite in every way.
"What's goin' on in here?" A familiar voice said, climbing through the open portrait hole. I turned to see Albus. And in the next moment, I felt myself careening forward to the floor. Malfoy had cast the Leg Locker curse on me! I pulled my wand from my back pocket and shot a Sponge Knees curse at him which he blocked as I performed the counterspell to the leg locking curse.
Ten minutes and several well-aimed and well-blocked curses later, Albus was in quite a mood as he pulled Malfoy out of the common room. Apparently Miles had stood there "uselessly" while Albus had performed expelliarmus on the two of us. Once they were gone, Miles was looking towards something on the floor.
"Rose, I really wish you wouldn't do this anymore." He said quietly. My anger was still sizzling inside me so I fought to keep it down even though I thought he was being absurd.
"I am not doing anything, it's him! He goads me on purpose! I can't help it. He just, he is just the worst person I think I've ever come across!" I really didn't have any control over my temper. I blame my genes.
"Rose, you are the smartest person I know. He shouldn't be able to provoke you that easily." Miles' voice was gentle as usual but there was a certain edge to it that I rarely heard. "You know why everyone thinks you guys are at each other's throats so much?" He waited for me response but I was shocked by the edge in his voice that seemed to be taking over. "Everyone thinks you guys are screwing behind my back. Richard Macmillan's words- not mine! Rose, do you know how much that hurts me? You pay more attention to him, the person you claim to hate, than me, the person you claim to love." His eyes bored down in to mine, a question clear in his own.
My words stuck in my throat. Tell him you love him! Lie if you have to! I screamed internally. Do you love him? Do you love him? Can you love him?
"Rose, I'm going to go to breakfast." Miles said flatly, all the edge drained from his voice. I felt my heart break. Surely if my heart could break for him that meant I loved him?
"Wait, I can still come with you-" I stumbled after him, feeling like everything had been spun on its axis twelve times and somehow winded up upside down.
"No. I'm sorry. I'd like to eat separately. I need time to think." Miles whispered. He leaned down to kiss my forehead. Tears leapt from my eyes as the portrait swung shut again. I don't know how long I stared at it. But at some point my watch vibrated. I had cast a spell on it to vibrate when I needed to leave where ever I was to make it to my classes in time. And in time meant early. I tried to fit all my feelings into a little wrapped box in my brain while I rushed around to get ready. All my efforts were for not when my eyes settled on the ivory rectangle, nearly indented by my fingerprints. In a burst of sudden determination, I ripped it open and pulled the unevenly folded parchment from the envelope. As I read, my mouth trembled between a frown and a smile.
Dear Rose,
Was that too formal? Sorry. I'm not sure how to do this. I know you said that getting in contact would be difficult and if I really needed to, I could send it here. I hope I didn't worry you into thinking it was an emergency. But I know you so you probably were already worried. (imagine me winkin' here)
I miss you. I miss the way you talk about things that fill you with passion and I miss how your brows quirk together when you are confused. I miss that time we skipped lunch and snuck into that playground. I miss the time I made that rude remark to Mr. Hughs and you were the only one who caught it. And you couldn't keep your laugh in. I hope you remember the fun we had this summer as fondly as I do. I think about these memories more often than my pride may let me admit.
Rose, I wish I had had the balls to tell you this in person. Don't bother to respond if you don't feel the same way. It'll be easier that way- I don't mean to sound rude. It'd just be easier for both of us. But if you also feel like we had something, if you also feel like being with me makes it easier to live in our parents' shadows (and perhaps even escape them because you make me feel like sunshine) (sorry that was cheesy), if you also feel like you want to press your lips to mine and not disconnect those lips until we run out of air… Just let me know please.
I don't want to make you feel rushed but I do need to know soon. I know I told you I wouldn't give into my dad pressuring me about Holly. But my resolve is waning. I don't feel like there is anyone right for me if you aren't and Holly and I could have a good life together. Maybe the adult me would be happier with her. God dammit, sorry I know this was supposed to be my love letter to you but Rose, I'm scared. I don't know who I am and being with you makes me just… be. If I sound crazy to you, trust me- I've told myself this a million times.
Despite anything else, I think you should know that you are beautiful. I want you. In so many ways.
Hope to hear from you soon,
Luke
AN thanks for reading! please review, it really helps me when writing for like inspiration and to see what you liked which helps me make decisions about what to write!